Why the Baudelaire Orphans Live with Very Distant Family Members

As you may have noticed, the Baudelaire's are strangely a never taken in by close family. It's usually a third cousin 4 times removed, (or was it a forth cousin 3 times removed?) or a village of people who have an obsession with birds, or a father's cousin's wife's brother. I am one of the few people who know why this is. All of their close relatives have had something just as disturbingly awful as the passage that follows happen to them. Here it goes:

Once a long time ago the Baudelaire's uncle Phillip was taking his family on vacation to New York to see the Statue of Liberty. They got up to the very top, and the view was marvelous. So marvelous, that they marveled at it. In fact, this particular view was so incredibly marvelous that Uncle Phil lost his balance marveling at the view and fell. From the top of Lady Liberty's crown, down down down he fell. His son saw it happen. The rest of his family was still marveling, but he had turned around, only to marvel at his dad. Falling. He quickly spread them word to the rest of the family and the all sped down the stairs in effort to see if their father/ husband was dead. At the bottom, they were overjoyed to see that their father was still alive. He had fallen into the ocean and lived. His son (who happened to be named Jimmy) was especially relieved, and ran up to hug his dad. He hugged him so hard, that Jimmy knocked his father over. It just so happens that a very big, long, sharp rock was lying on the ground, right were his fathers head happened to land. Uncle Phil was killed instantly.

This story has a moral: HAPPINESS KILLS.