Double Trouble
"Good morning, South Park, it's seven a.m. and time to wake up for another great day!"
Stan opened his eyes and leapt out of bed. Today was going to be the best day of his life, since the South Park formal Winter Carnival was taking place today. And Wendy was going to be there...
He smiled as he thought of her. She was so beautiful, with the blackest hair, the whitest teeth, the sweetest-
The phone rang, ending his thoughts abruptly.
"Dammit," he muttered and walked over and picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Dude, are you going to the dance tonight?" It was Kyle. Stan rolled his eyes.
"No, I'm going on a road trip to Vermont," he said sarcastically to his friend. "Of course I'm going to the dance!"
"I was just asking, jeez," Kyle said. "Are you going with your girlfriend..."
"Shut the hell up, dick," Stan said. "She's not my girlfriend!" Kyle laughed on the other end.
"Whatever, dude. Anyway, I gotta get ready for school. See you in ten minutes."
"Later." Stan hung up the phone and got dressed. He bounded down the stairs with a big grin on his face. His mom was out in the kitchen making pancakes. She looked over and smiled.
"Well, good morning, Stanley," she said. "You look happy this morning." Stan nodded.
"The big Winter Carnival Dance is tonight and I'm going to go! I'm going to see if I can get Wendy to go with me!" Sharon looked down at the stove, avoiding Stan's eyes.
"Well, uh, Stanley..." she said. Stan gazed at her and sighed frustrated.
"Oh, now what?" he said. "What is the reason that I can't go this time? I know, Dad can't get it up-"
"Stanley, don't be a smart ass!" Sharon said. "Your father is perfectly capable of getting an erection." Randy Marsh walked into the kitchen just then.
"What?" he said. Sharon turned back to the stove.
"Nothing dear," she said. "Stan, could you please get me some plates?" He nodded and grabbed four plates out of the cabinet.
"Here," he said. She took them and smiled.
"Thank you honey," she said. "Now, sit down and have some breakfast with all of us." Stan thought about it, and then nodded. He felt hungry this morning. She handed him a big plate of waffles and he sat down and started eating. He thought of the time when he was at Kenny's house and had to have frozen waffles for dinner. Now that had been the night from hell. He shuddered, remembering the rats. Oh, how he hated rats...
"Stanley," Randy said, knocking him out of his trance. "There's something your mother and I have to tell you." Stan looked back and forth between then two of them, horror etched across his face.
"Oh no, the cops found out that you killed Grandpa!" Stan cried. Randy slapped a hand over his son's mouth.
"Shh," he said. "Barbrady still doesn't know about that." Stan nodded his head and Randy removed his hand from his mouth.
"Well, then what is it?" he asked, placing a bite of waffle in his mouth. Sharon sighed.
"Stan, you can't go to the dance tonight," she said bluntly. He practically choked on his waffle.
"What?" he cried. "But I told Wendy that I would-"
"Stan, we have to go to Vermont," she said. Stan stared at her, stunned.
"Vermont?" he said. "Where the hell is Vermont? When I said that to Kyle this morning I thought I had made it up!"
"Stan, Vermont is one of the states in the US," Randy said. "Are telling me you don't even know all fifty states?" Stan shrugged.
"I know...Colorado," he said. "And...Nebraska." Randy shook his head.
"Never mind that, Stan," he said. "We have to leave right after school, so your mother and I are going to pick you up. Now, we know that missing the dance is going to be hard on you, we decided that you could bring one of your friends if you like."
"Okay, but why the hell are we going to Vermont?" Sharon sighed.
"You'll see when we get there, Stan," she said. "But I can tell you that there's a very big surprise for you when we do." Stan's face lit up again
.
"A surprise? Sweet!" he said. "I'm going to ask Kyle if he wants to come with me. See you guys after school!"
"Bye sweetie," Sharon called.
"Have a nice day, son," Randy said. Shelley grabbed him right before he was going to walk out the door.
"Get out of my way, turd," she said and chucked him out into the lawn. He landed on his side roughly.
"Ow," he muttered as he got up, rubbing where he landed. He walked towards the bus stop where Kyle was standing along with Kenny and Cartman.
"Oh, hey Stan," Kyle said. "You're late." He lowered his head.
"I know," he said. "My parents had to talk to me before I could leave." Kenny laughed hysterically. The other three stared at him.
"What?" Stan asked annoyed. Kenny fell to the ground, rolling in hysterics.
"Awww," he said sweetly. "Did your mommy and daddy finally tell you how babies were made? How sweet..." Kyle and Cartman started laughing too. Stan leaned over and punched him.
"Shut up, you asshole, I know how babies are made!" he shouted.
"Oh really?" Kenny challenged. "Then how?" Stan was silent, thinking.
"Uh...well...there's this big..." He looked over at Cartman. "Fat guy! And this fat guy takes baby out of heaven and puts them on their chosen parent's front steps!" Kenny started laughing again, tears streaming down his face.
"Oh...my..." he gasped, trying to control himself. "That...that..."
"Jesus, Stan, do you honestly believe that?" Kyle said. Stan nodded his head furiously.
"That's what my mom and dad said, so they can't be lying!" he proclaimed.
"Dude, babies are made when a man sticks his penis into a woman's vagina, ejaculating millions of sperm into her system where they travel to the uterus where the ovum has been deposited and one fertilizes the egg. Nine months later, the baby is born." Kyle stated.
"Dude, where the hell do you learn all this stuff?" Cartman asked. Kyle shrugged.
"I heard some of that when Kenny was watching Playboy," he said. Kenny giggled.
"How come your family has no money for food but they have money for alcohol and porno?" Stan said. Kenny shrugged.
"I don't know," he said. "What the fuck makes you think I know anything about my parents?"
"Well, you think you know everything-" Kyle started.
"Guys, guys, stop it!" Stan said. "You almost made me forget! I can't go to the dance tonight." The others stared at him, shocked.
"You can't go the dance?" Kyle said.
"Why the fuck not?" Cartman asked.
"What the fuck did you do now, Stan? Light another puppy on fire-"
"Fuck you Kenny, that was an accident and you know it! Anyway, I have to go to Vermont."
"Where the hell's Vermont?" Cartman asked. Stan shrugged.
"Beats the shit out of me," he said. "Anyway-"
"Hey, isn't that what you said on the phone this morning?" Kyle said. "That you had to go on a road trip to Vermont? I thought you were kidding!"
"I was," Stan said miserably. "But then, I walk into the kitchen and all of the sudden I have to go. It sucks major portions of ass, but my parent's said there's going to be a surprise for me when I get there and one of you can come."
"What kind of surprise?" Cartman asked.
"I don't know, but I bet it's super sweet!" Stan said. "Kyle, do you wanna come with me?" Kyle nodded his head.
"I just have to ask my mom," he said and pulled out a cell phone.
"Dude!" Stan cried. "Why the hell do you have a cell phone?"
"Incase I have an insulin emergency," he said. "Then my parents can come and give me a shot so I don't die."
"What the hell is insulin?" Cartman asked.
"Dude, Kyle's a diabetic, remember?" Stan said. "He needs insulin so that his...uh..."
"Blood sugar doesn't go out of whack," Kyle finished. "It sucks ass. I hate shots." He dialed his phone number.
"Hi Mom," he said. "No, please, I don't need any insulin, I'm okay. I need to ask you something. Stan wants me to go to Vermont with him after school. Can I go? Really? That's awesome! Can you drop me off some clothes? Okay, okay. I promise I'll take it. All right, Mom. Thanks." He hung up the phone and put it back in his pocket.
"All right, I can come," he said. Stan smiled. Cartman leaned over to Kenny.
"Looks like we're going to be left out of this again," he whispered.
"Uh huh," Kenny said.
"Well, we should do something while they're gone, too!"
"Yeah! But...what?" Cartman grinned.
"Oh, I have the best idea..." The bus pulled up and the four boys got on and bolted for the back of the bus.
"What do you think the surprise is, Stan?" Kyle said.
"I don't know, dude," he said. "Maybe it'll be a vacation!"
"Or lots of money!" Kyle said.
"Or Britney Spears!" Cartman said.
"Ew dude, Britney Spears is a skank. I hope that she isn't the surprise!" Stan cried.
"Yeah, she's nasty," Kyle added.
"But her boobs are big," Kenny said. "That's all that counts."
"Dude, sick, Kenny!" Stan said.
"You're such a pervert!" Kyle said. Cartman laughed and clapped him on the back.
"Exactly what I was thinking, Kenny," Cartman said. "You know what Kenny? I think I want you as my best friend!"
"Really? Cool!" Kenny said.
"I have no idea why anyone would want to be Cartman's friend at all, let alone his best friend," Stan said.
"Touché, Stan," Cartman retorted. "But, Kenny is my best friend, and we are going to something better while you're gone!"
"Cartman, nothing you think of ever turns out to be good," Kyle said. "You're too fat and stupid to think of anything."
"Maybe," he replied. "But Kenny isn't." Kenny giggled and nodded his head.
"Kenny will think of something for us to do and I am sure it will be more fun then you and Kyle on your trip to Vermont!"
"Hey..." Kenny said. "I heard about Vermont! Isn't it the only state that allows homosexual marriage? Maybe Stan and Kyle are going to get married." Cartman laughed hysterically.
"Yeah!" he said. "I always knew Stan took after his dog!"
"And aren't all Jews gay?" Kenny said. "I heard my dad say that all Jews were gay and should go back to Mongolia where they came from."
"All Jews aren't gay you idiot!" Kyle said. "I am so not gay!"
"Me too! We're not going to Vermont to get married, you assholes!" Stan cried.
"So you say," Cartman said as the bus stopped. "Show us the ring when you get back, Stan."
"Congratulations," Kenny said. "And best of luck for the future." They were both laughing as they walked off the bus and into the school.
"Oh my God I hate them," Stan said.
"You bastards," Kyle replied. Stan turned to his friend, suddenly remembering something.
"Kyle, what am I going to tell Wendy? I told her I'd go with her to the dance..."
"Tell her the truth, dude," Kyle said. "She'll understand and go with someone else."
"I don't want her to go with someone else!" Stan said. "I want her to go with me!" Kyle shrugged.
"Stan, just tell her and get on with life," he said. Stan sighed as he walked into the classroom. He saw her sitting at her desk and started feeling sick. He had known her all his life and he still had to puke when he talked to her.
"Hey Stan," Wendy said.
"Blaaagghh!" Stan moaned. He hated to puke more then anything.
"Gross!" Wendy exclaimed. "Are you still coming to the dance with me tonight?" She batted her eyelashes seductively. Stan lowered his head.
"Wendy...I can't," he said. "My parents are dragging me to someplace called Vermont right after school." She shrugged her shoulders.
"Oh well," she said. "Kenny! I'm free now!"
"Woo-hoo!" Kenny said. Stan turned furiously towards his friend.
"What?" he said incredulously. "You asked Wendy to the dance already?" Kenny grinned underneath his hood.
"Of course I did; she's hot," he said. Stan leapt over the desk onto him.
"You poor piece of shit, I am going to kick your ass!" Kenny laughed despite the situation.
"Stan, you too much of a girl to kick my ass," he said, and then added just to piss him off, "Kyle's waiting!"
"That does it you orange-faced mother fucker!" Stan cried. He swung for him but Kenny rolled out of the way, getting to his feet. Stan swung at him again and he ducked. The whole class had gathered in a circle around them, watching and cheering for who they thought should win.
"Come on, Kenny!" Cartman shouted. "You can kick Stan's ass, he's a little girl!"
"Don't listen to him, Stan," Kyle yelled. "You're bigger then Kenny! Do it!" Kenny laughed again.
"Your lover's calling," he said sarcastically. Stan went livid and leapt at him, taking him totally off guard. He grabbed onto his right arm and twisted it around his back. Kenny winced but stood his ground.
"I've got you now," Stan hissed into where his ear would be. Kenny laughed again.
"What the hell are you laughing about now?" he said.
"Oh Stan," Kenny chuckled. "I thought that with you being my friend for eight years you would have noticed that I am not right-handed," he said, and swung his left fist, scoring a direct hit in the side of the head. Stan crumpled to the ground instantly, sobbing.
"Stan!" Kyle called. Cartman ran over to Kenny.
"Kick ass, dude!" he said. "You practically knocked him out!" Kenny grinned.
"He should have thought about which hand he grabbed," Kenny said simply. The class was cheering rowdily for Kenny and they picked him up and carried him around the room. Stan looked up and rubbed his head miserably.
"I knew there was something I was forgetting about Kenny," Stan said. "How could I have been so stupid..."
"Dude, it's all right, the last kid Kenny was in a fight with did the same thing. Only, Kenny knocked him out. You got off lucky," Kyle said.
"Maybe it's because I am...or was, his friend," Stan said. He looked around at the other kids gathered around Kenny. Then, he saw something unthinkable. Wendy leaned over and kissed his cheek.
"That was wonderful, Kenny," she said. Kenny smiled and slipped an arm around her.
"Not as wonderful as I'm going to be tonight after the dance," he said. Wendy giggled. Stan pounded his fist into the ground.
"Dude, calm down," Kyle said. Stan stared at him, totally blown away.
"Calm down?" he screeched. "Calm down? How the fuck can I calm down when in one fell swoop one of my best friends steals my girlfriend and practically punches me out?" Mr. Garrison walked into the room then, right as Stan was screaming.
"You are a mother fucking shit head, Kenny McCormick!" he yelled. " I hope you go to-"
"Stanley Marsh, what did you just say?" Mr. Garrison asked. Stan lowered his head.
"I said I have a brother who lives in a tool shed," he covered. Mr. Garrison nodded his head.
"All right then," he said. "Okay class, please take your seats. Today, we're going to be learning about the profound effect that white rappers like Vanilla Ice have had on our modern music."
"Oh no, not this again," Stan muttered. "Yesterday it was how Diana Ross changed the modern prostitute values that fucking animals is okay!"
"Stanley Marsh, do you need to go to the office?" Mr. Garrison asked harshly.
"No," Stan muttered. The day dragged on miserably and even lunch wasn't fun. Wendy was sitting at her table with Kenny and they were talking about something. Stan could see her laughing. He was consumed with jealousy. He was so angry with Kenny and Cartman he couldn't even think. He just prayed for the day to be over so he could go with his parents and Kyle to Vermont.
It came soon enough. The bell for the end of the day rang and everyone bolted out of the school. Sheila was outside holding a bag for Kyle.
"Here you go, booby," she said. "I packed you some clothes and your toothbrush and some fun games for you and Stan to play." She handed him the bag and gave him a hug.
"Don't forget to take your insulin now, Kyle, and don't eat any candy for God's sake!" Kyle nodded his head.
"All right," he said. "Bye Mom." She walked off and the boys ran to Stan's car.
"Hop in, boys," Sharon said. "Hi Kyle."
"Hi," he replied.
"How was your day, Stan?" Randy asked. Stan sighed.
"Don't even get me started," he said.
"Well, Stan," Sharon said. "You're going to be going on your first airplane ride! Isn't that fun?" Kyle turned white and sat up rigid.
"Plane?" he whispered. "We're going on a plane?" Stan nodded.
"Sure, we have to if we want to get there before next week," Stan said. "Why?" Kyle paled even more.
"Dude," he said. "I...I can't stand planes. They-"
"Aww, don't worry, honey," Sharon said. "There's a bigger chance of winning the lottery three times then crashing in a plane." Kyle was silent and stiff for the rest of the ride no matter what Stan did to him. He even started to take off his clothes, starting with his hat.
"Dude, Kyle, I never knew you had red hair!" he said. "Cool!" Kyle finally snapped out of his trance as they pulled into the airport.
"Give me my hat, you moron," he said and slapped it back on his head. Stan grinned.
"Finally! It's about time, dude!" Kyle shrugged.
"I figured that if we crash, then maybe my family will win the lottery three times," he said. "That would be worth it." Stan thought about it, and then nodded.
"Yeah," he said. "That would be sweet!" They walked into the large airport terminal to the ticket booth.
"Yes?" the fat lady behind the counter said. Kyle sniggered.
"Dude, that looks like it could be Cartman's mom," he said.
"Yeah," Stan said. "Maybe it is Cartman's mom!"
"Five tickets to Burlington, please," Randy said. The fat lady snorted and pulled out five tickets.
"Here ya go," she said and then hawked up a wad of mucus. She spat it seemingly onto the ground.
"Dude, sick!" Stan shouted.
"Gross!" Kyle cried. They all walked off as fast as they could to where their plane was departing from: Gate F-69. Sharon handed their tickets to the guy in line and they walked on the plane. Kyle immediately got scared again. He stood at the entrance, hesitating.
"Dude, come on," Stan said and dragged him in. He sat him down in the seat next to him and strapped him in.
"Stan, I really don't like this..." Kyle moaned.
"Dude, shut up. It's going to be fine," Stan said.
He was right. The plane ride went smoothly and they landed without a hitch into the airport in Burlington. Kyle was the first one off the plane and when Stan's family caught up with him he was outside kissing the ground.
"Oh, thank God," he said. "Thank you thank you thank you..."
"Man, dude, you have a problem," Stan said. Kyle got up and brushed himself off.
"I just don't like planes," he said. Stan shrugged.
"Whatever, Kyle," Stan said. "Mom, where are we going?" She smiled down at him.
"We have to meet people here first," she said.
"Huh?" Stan said. "What people?" Sharon smiled and patted her son's head.
"You'll see, Stan," she said. They pushed through the crowd of people until Sharon spotted someone. She waved frantically.
"Lynn! Lynn, over here!" she said. A pretty blonde lady walked over to her then and smiled.
"Oh, hello Sharon," she said warmly. She looked down at Stan and Kyle.
"Oh, look...I can tell which one's yours," she said. "Hi Stan," she said, leaning down and hugging him. "I'm your Aunt Lynn. Who's your friend?"
"I'm Kyle," Kyle said. She smiled.
"Nice to meet you, Kyle," she said. "And Randy...how are you?"
"All right, Lynn," he said. "Just tired. Planes take a lot out of me." He looked around. "What time is it here?"
"It's seven and you're just in time for dinner if we hurry," she said. "Come on, I'll take you to my car." They followed the blonde out into the parking lot, where a blue van was parked.
"Hop in," she said. "We don't live very far from here." Kyle leaned over to Stan.
"She's nice," Kyle said. "Have you ever met her before?" Stan shook his head.
"I had no idea I had an aunt besides Aunt Flo," he said. "And she's dead."
They drove for about five minutes and then pulled into the driveway of a large, white, house.
"Home sweet home," Lynn said. "Come on in and make yourselves at home." They walked into the house and took in their surroundings.
"Stan! Come look at this!" Kyle cried. "Look, it's the biggest TV I've ever seen!" Stan ran out into the living room.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "It's bigger then Cartman's ass!"
"Yeah," Kyle said, laughing. "And they have a DVD player too!"
"Cool!" Stan cried. "We should watch some!" The adults came out into the room next, forcing the two boys to sit down and behave.
"Stan, could you please sit down," Lynn said kindly. "You too, Kyle. We have a surprise for your friend." They both sat down on the plush sofa, staring at the others. A girl wandered into the room then, about their age. Kyle's eyes widened and followed her until she sat down. Stan watched her with guarded interest, also.
"Wow," Kyle said. "She's cute!" Stan grinned.
"Yeah," he said. "I wonder who she is?" Kyle looked at her and then back at Stan.
"Hey," he said. "She looks kind of like you, Stan." Stan raised an eyebrow.
"No she doesn't," he shot back. "I'm a guy, she's a girl-"
"Boys, please, could you pay attention now?" Sharon said. Stan and Kyle shut up and gazed at the older people.
"Well?" Stan said. "What is it?" Sharon swallowed and then looked around nervously.
"Well, Stanley," she said. "You're going to be very surprised, all right? You may even be mad; actually, I am sure you are going to be mad. But you have to promise to hear me out, all right?" Stan nodded.
"All right," he said. "What is it?"
"Stan..." she said. "When I was pregnant with you I went to get an ultrasound to see what you were and I discovered something very shocking. Stan...you weren't alone."
"What the hell do you mean I wasn't alone?" he said. "Of course I was alone, there was no one in there with me-"
"No Stan, there was someone in there with you..." she said softly. "You have a twin sister, Stanley." No one spoke in the room for five seconds. Then, Stan broke the silence.
"What?" he cried. "I have a...what?" Sharon lowered her head.
"You have a twin sister, Stan," she said. "When I found out, I was so shocked. I didn't want to have to deal with two infants. So, I decided to give one of you up. I kept you since we already had a girl."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Stan shouted. "I've had a twin sister all my life that I've never met or seen and you...you..." He broke down, weeping in anger and frustration.
"I...am...so...pissed...off!" he said. Kyle put an arm around his friend.
"Aw man, Stan, what a mess this is," he said softly. "I'm sorry, dude." Sharon looked down at the ground.
"Stan..." she said. "That's why we're here. Oh...this is going to be hard..." She leaned over and whispered something in her sister's ear, and she shook her head. Sharon sighed and then continued.
"When I put my little girl up for adoption, she was taken by...my sister..." The girl who was sitting on the loveseat's eyes widened in shock. Sharon looked over at the poor girl.
"I'm not your aunt, Lily," she said softly. "I'm your mother." The girl, named Lily, stared at Lynn in shock. Stan looked over at her and she caught his eye. He turned back to his mother.
"That's her?" he said softly. "That's my sister?" Sharon nodded her head.
"That's the surprise," she said. "That's what it is, Stan," she said. Lily was staring at Lynn.
"You lied to me," she hissed. Her voice was low and pretty, even talking. Stan found himself wishing they weren't related.
"Why did you do this to me?" she cried out. "Why did you do this to my brother?" She turned towards Stan furiously.
"Aren't you mad about this?" she asked him. Stan nodded his head.
"Furious," he replied. Lily turned back to Lynn.
"All of my life I have been calling you mother," she said. "I loved you and trusted you and I thought this is where I was supposed to be. And now..." She started to cry, pounding her fist into the couch cushions. Stan looked over helplessly at Kyle, and then slowly got up and sat down next to his sister.
"Hey," Stan whispered. "Don't cry, Lily, please. It's going to all work out." She raised her head up slowly and gazed into his face.
"You think so?" she asked softly. He nodded.
"Yeah," he said. "I think it's going to work out fine." She gave him a small smile through her tears and hugged him tightly.
"Boy, am I glad to see you," she said. Stan allowed himself to be hugged and he even hugged her back.
"I know," he said. "Nice to meet you, sis." She smiled and hugged him tighter.
"Even better to meet you, bro," she replied.
"Good morning, South Park, it's seven a.m. and time to wake up for another great day!"
Stan opened his eyes and leapt out of bed. Today was going to be the best day of his life, since the South Park formal Winter Carnival was taking place today. And Wendy was going to be there...
He smiled as he thought of her. She was so beautiful, with the blackest hair, the whitest teeth, the sweetest-
The phone rang, ending his thoughts abruptly.
"Dammit," he muttered and walked over and picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Dude, are you going to the dance tonight?" It was Kyle. Stan rolled his eyes.
"No, I'm going on a road trip to Vermont," he said sarcastically to his friend. "Of course I'm going to the dance!"
"I was just asking, jeez," Kyle said. "Are you going with your girlfriend..."
"Shut the hell up, dick," Stan said. "She's not my girlfriend!" Kyle laughed on the other end.
"Whatever, dude. Anyway, I gotta get ready for school. See you in ten minutes."
"Later." Stan hung up the phone and got dressed. He bounded down the stairs with a big grin on his face. His mom was out in the kitchen making pancakes. She looked over and smiled.
"Well, good morning, Stanley," she said. "You look happy this morning." Stan nodded.
"The big Winter Carnival Dance is tonight and I'm going to go! I'm going to see if I can get Wendy to go with me!" Sharon looked down at the stove, avoiding Stan's eyes.
"Well, uh, Stanley..." she said. Stan gazed at her and sighed frustrated.
"Oh, now what?" he said. "What is the reason that I can't go this time? I know, Dad can't get it up-"
"Stanley, don't be a smart ass!" Sharon said. "Your father is perfectly capable of getting an erection." Randy Marsh walked into the kitchen just then.
"What?" he said. Sharon turned back to the stove.
"Nothing dear," she said. "Stan, could you please get me some plates?" He nodded and grabbed four plates out of the cabinet.
"Here," he said. She took them and smiled.
"Thank you honey," she said. "Now, sit down and have some breakfast with all of us." Stan thought about it, and then nodded. He felt hungry this morning. She handed him a big plate of waffles and he sat down and started eating. He thought of the time when he was at Kenny's house and had to have frozen waffles for dinner. Now that had been the night from hell. He shuddered, remembering the rats. Oh, how he hated rats...
"Stanley," Randy said, knocking him out of his trance. "There's something your mother and I have to tell you." Stan looked back and forth between then two of them, horror etched across his face.
"Oh no, the cops found out that you killed Grandpa!" Stan cried. Randy slapped a hand over his son's mouth.
"Shh," he said. "Barbrady still doesn't know about that." Stan nodded his head and Randy removed his hand from his mouth.
"Well, then what is it?" he asked, placing a bite of waffle in his mouth. Sharon sighed.
"Stan, you can't go to the dance tonight," she said bluntly. He practically choked on his waffle.
"What?" he cried. "But I told Wendy that I would-"
"Stan, we have to go to Vermont," she said. Stan stared at her, stunned.
"Vermont?" he said. "Where the hell is Vermont? When I said that to Kyle this morning I thought I had made it up!"
"Stan, Vermont is one of the states in the US," Randy said. "Are telling me you don't even know all fifty states?" Stan shrugged.
"I know...Colorado," he said. "And...Nebraska." Randy shook his head.
"Never mind that, Stan," he said. "We have to leave right after school, so your mother and I are going to pick you up. Now, we know that missing the dance is going to be hard on you, we decided that you could bring one of your friends if you like."
"Okay, but why the hell are we going to Vermont?" Sharon sighed.
"You'll see when we get there, Stan," she said. "But I can tell you that there's a very big surprise for you when we do." Stan's face lit up again
.
"A surprise? Sweet!" he said. "I'm going to ask Kyle if he wants to come with me. See you guys after school!"
"Bye sweetie," Sharon called.
"Have a nice day, son," Randy said. Shelley grabbed him right before he was going to walk out the door.
"Get out of my way, turd," she said and chucked him out into the lawn. He landed on his side roughly.
"Ow," he muttered as he got up, rubbing where he landed. He walked towards the bus stop where Kyle was standing along with Kenny and Cartman.
"Oh, hey Stan," Kyle said. "You're late." He lowered his head.
"I know," he said. "My parents had to talk to me before I could leave." Kenny laughed hysterically. The other three stared at him.
"What?" Stan asked annoyed. Kenny fell to the ground, rolling in hysterics.
"Awww," he said sweetly. "Did your mommy and daddy finally tell you how babies were made? How sweet..." Kyle and Cartman started laughing too. Stan leaned over and punched him.
"Shut up, you asshole, I know how babies are made!" he shouted.
"Oh really?" Kenny challenged. "Then how?" Stan was silent, thinking.
"Uh...well...there's this big..." He looked over at Cartman. "Fat guy! And this fat guy takes baby out of heaven and puts them on their chosen parent's front steps!" Kenny started laughing again, tears streaming down his face.
"Oh...my..." he gasped, trying to control himself. "That...that..."
"Jesus, Stan, do you honestly believe that?" Kyle said. Stan nodded his head furiously.
"That's what my mom and dad said, so they can't be lying!" he proclaimed.
"Dude, babies are made when a man sticks his penis into a woman's vagina, ejaculating millions of sperm into her system where they travel to the uterus where the ovum has been deposited and one fertilizes the egg. Nine months later, the baby is born." Kyle stated.
"Dude, where the hell do you learn all this stuff?" Cartman asked. Kyle shrugged.
"I heard some of that when Kenny was watching Playboy," he said. Kenny giggled.
"How come your family has no money for food but they have money for alcohol and porno?" Stan said. Kenny shrugged.
"I don't know," he said. "What the fuck makes you think I know anything about my parents?"
"Well, you think you know everything-" Kyle started.
"Guys, guys, stop it!" Stan said. "You almost made me forget! I can't go to the dance tonight." The others stared at him, shocked.
"You can't go the dance?" Kyle said.
"Why the fuck not?" Cartman asked.
"What the fuck did you do now, Stan? Light another puppy on fire-"
"Fuck you Kenny, that was an accident and you know it! Anyway, I have to go to Vermont."
"Where the hell's Vermont?" Cartman asked. Stan shrugged.
"Beats the shit out of me," he said. "Anyway-"
"Hey, isn't that what you said on the phone this morning?" Kyle said. "That you had to go on a road trip to Vermont? I thought you were kidding!"
"I was," Stan said miserably. "But then, I walk into the kitchen and all of the sudden I have to go. It sucks major portions of ass, but my parent's said there's going to be a surprise for me when I get there and one of you can come."
"What kind of surprise?" Cartman asked.
"I don't know, but I bet it's super sweet!" Stan said. "Kyle, do you wanna come with me?" Kyle nodded his head.
"I just have to ask my mom," he said and pulled out a cell phone.
"Dude!" Stan cried. "Why the hell do you have a cell phone?"
"Incase I have an insulin emergency," he said. "Then my parents can come and give me a shot so I don't die."
"What the hell is insulin?" Cartman asked.
"Dude, Kyle's a diabetic, remember?" Stan said. "He needs insulin so that his...uh..."
"Blood sugar doesn't go out of whack," Kyle finished. "It sucks ass. I hate shots." He dialed his phone number.
"Hi Mom," he said. "No, please, I don't need any insulin, I'm okay. I need to ask you something. Stan wants me to go to Vermont with him after school. Can I go? Really? That's awesome! Can you drop me off some clothes? Okay, okay. I promise I'll take it. All right, Mom. Thanks." He hung up the phone and put it back in his pocket.
"All right, I can come," he said. Stan smiled. Cartman leaned over to Kenny.
"Looks like we're going to be left out of this again," he whispered.
"Uh huh," Kenny said.
"Well, we should do something while they're gone, too!"
"Yeah! But...what?" Cartman grinned.
"Oh, I have the best idea..." The bus pulled up and the four boys got on and bolted for the back of the bus.
"What do you think the surprise is, Stan?" Kyle said.
"I don't know, dude," he said. "Maybe it'll be a vacation!"
"Or lots of money!" Kyle said.
"Or Britney Spears!" Cartman said.
"Ew dude, Britney Spears is a skank. I hope that she isn't the surprise!" Stan cried.
"Yeah, she's nasty," Kyle added.
"But her boobs are big," Kenny said. "That's all that counts."
"Dude, sick, Kenny!" Stan said.
"You're such a pervert!" Kyle said. Cartman laughed and clapped him on the back.
"Exactly what I was thinking, Kenny," Cartman said. "You know what Kenny? I think I want you as my best friend!"
"Really? Cool!" Kenny said.
"I have no idea why anyone would want to be Cartman's friend at all, let alone his best friend," Stan said.
"Touché, Stan," Cartman retorted. "But, Kenny is my best friend, and we are going to something better while you're gone!"
"Cartman, nothing you think of ever turns out to be good," Kyle said. "You're too fat and stupid to think of anything."
"Maybe," he replied. "But Kenny isn't." Kenny giggled and nodded his head.
"Kenny will think of something for us to do and I am sure it will be more fun then you and Kyle on your trip to Vermont!"
"Hey..." Kenny said. "I heard about Vermont! Isn't it the only state that allows homosexual marriage? Maybe Stan and Kyle are going to get married." Cartman laughed hysterically.
"Yeah!" he said. "I always knew Stan took after his dog!"
"And aren't all Jews gay?" Kenny said. "I heard my dad say that all Jews were gay and should go back to Mongolia where they came from."
"All Jews aren't gay you idiot!" Kyle said. "I am so not gay!"
"Me too! We're not going to Vermont to get married, you assholes!" Stan cried.
"So you say," Cartman said as the bus stopped. "Show us the ring when you get back, Stan."
"Congratulations," Kenny said. "And best of luck for the future." They were both laughing as they walked off the bus and into the school.
"Oh my God I hate them," Stan said.
"You bastards," Kyle replied. Stan turned to his friend, suddenly remembering something.
"Kyle, what am I going to tell Wendy? I told her I'd go with her to the dance..."
"Tell her the truth, dude," Kyle said. "She'll understand and go with someone else."
"I don't want her to go with someone else!" Stan said. "I want her to go with me!" Kyle shrugged.
"Stan, just tell her and get on with life," he said. Stan sighed as he walked into the classroom. He saw her sitting at her desk and started feeling sick. He had known her all his life and he still had to puke when he talked to her.
"Hey Stan," Wendy said.
"Blaaagghh!" Stan moaned. He hated to puke more then anything.
"Gross!" Wendy exclaimed. "Are you still coming to the dance with me tonight?" She batted her eyelashes seductively. Stan lowered his head.
"Wendy...I can't," he said. "My parents are dragging me to someplace called Vermont right after school." She shrugged her shoulders.
"Oh well," she said. "Kenny! I'm free now!"
"Woo-hoo!" Kenny said. Stan turned furiously towards his friend.
"What?" he said incredulously. "You asked Wendy to the dance already?" Kenny grinned underneath his hood.
"Of course I did; she's hot," he said. Stan leapt over the desk onto him.
"You poor piece of shit, I am going to kick your ass!" Kenny laughed despite the situation.
"Stan, you too much of a girl to kick my ass," he said, and then added just to piss him off, "Kyle's waiting!"
"That does it you orange-faced mother fucker!" Stan cried. He swung for him but Kenny rolled out of the way, getting to his feet. Stan swung at him again and he ducked. The whole class had gathered in a circle around them, watching and cheering for who they thought should win.
"Come on, Kenny!" Cartman shouted. "You can kick Stan's ass, he's a little girl!"
"Don't listen to him, Stan," Kyle yelled. "You're bigger then Kenny! Do it!" Kenny laughed again.
"Your lover's calling," he said sarcastically. Stan went livid and leapt at him, taking him totally off guard. He grabbed onto his right arm and twisted it around his back. Kenny winced but stood his ground.
"I've got you now," Stan hissed into where his ear would be. Kenny laughed again.
"What the hell are you laughing about now?" he said.
"Oh Stan," Kenny chuckled. "I thought that with you being my friend for eight years you would have noticed that I am not right-handed," he said, and swung his left fist, scoring a direct hit in the side of the head. Stan crumpled to the ground instantly, sobbing.
"Stan!" Kyle called. Cartman ran over to Kenny.
"Kick ass, dude!" he said. "You practically knocked him out!" Kenny grinned.
"He should have thought about which hand he grabbed," Kenny said simply. The class was cheering rowdily for Kenny and they picked him up and carried him around the room. Stan looked up and rubbed his head miserably.
"I knew there was something I was forgetting about Kenny," Stan said. "How could I have been so stupid..."
"Dude, it's all right, the last kid Kenny was in a fight with did the same thing. Only, Kenny knocked him out. You got off lucky," Kyle said.
"Maybe it's because I am...or was, his friend," Stan said. He looked around at the other kids gathered around Kenny. Then, he saw something unthinkable. Wendy leaned over and kissed his cheek.
"That was wonderful, Kenny," she said. Kenny smiled and slipped an arm around her.
"Not as wonderful as I'm going to be tonight after the dance," he said. Wendy giggled. Stan pounded his fist into the ground.
"Dude, calm down," Kyle said. Stan stared at him, totally blown away.
"Calm down?" he screeched. "Calm down? How the fuck can I calm down when in one fell swoop one of my best friends steals my girlfriend and practically punches me out?" Mr. Garrison walked into the room then, right as Stan was screaming.
"You are a mother fucking shit head, Kenny McCormick!" he yelled. " I hope you go to-"
"Stanley Marsh, what did you just say?" Mr. Garrison asked. Stan lowered his head.
"I said I have a brother who lives in a tool shed," he covered. Mr. Garrison nodded his head.
"All right then," he said. "Okay class, please take your seats. Today, we're going to be learning about the profound effect that white rappers like Vanilla Ice have had on our modern music."
"Oh no, not this again," Stan muttered. "Yesterday it was how Diana Ross changed the modern prostitute values that fucking animals is okay!"
"Stanley Marsh, do you need to go to the office?" Mr. Garrison asked harshly.
"No," Stan muttered. The day dragged on miserably and even lunch wasn't fun. Wendy was sitting at her table with Kenny and they were talking about something. Stan could see her laughing. He was consumed with jealousy. He was so angry with Kenny and Cartman he couldn't even think. He just prayed for the day to be over so he could go with his parents and Kyle to Vermont.
It came soon enough. The bell for the end of the day rang and everyone bolted out of the school. Sheila was outside holding a bag for Kyle.
"Here you go, booby," she said. "I packed you some clothes and your toothbrush and some fun games for you and Stan to play." She handed him the bag and gave him a hug.
"Don't forget to take your insulin now, Kyle, and don't eat any candy for God's sake!" Kyle nodded his head.
"All right," he said. "Bye Mom." She walked off and the boys ran to Stan's car.
"Hop in, boys," Sharon said. "Hi Kyle."
"Hi," he replied.
"How was your day, Stan?" Randy asked. Stan sighed.
"Don't even get me started," he said.
"Well, Stan," Sharon said. "You're going to be going on your first airplane ride! Isn't that fun?" Kyle turned white and sat up rigid.
"Plane?" he whispered. "We're going on a plane?" Stan nodded.
"Sure, we have to if we want to get there before next week," Stan said. "Why?" Kyle paled even more.
"Dude," he said. "I...I can't stand planes. They-"
"Aww, don't worry, honey," Sharon said. "There's a bigger chance of winning the lottery three times then crashing in a plane." Kyle was silent and stiff for the rest of the ride no matter what Stan did to him. He even started to take off his clothes, starting with his hat.
"Dude, Kyle, I never knew you had red hair!" he said. "Cool!" Kyle finally snapped out of his trance as they pulled into the airport.
"Give me my hat, you moron," he said and slapped it back on his head. Stan grinned.
"Finally! It's about time, dude!" Kyle shrugged.
"I figured that if we crash, then maybe my family will win the lottery three times," he said. "That would be worth it." Stan thought about it, and then nodded.
"Yeah," he said. "That would be sweet!" They walked into the large airport terminal to the ticket booth.
"Yes?" the fat lady behind the counter said. Kyle sniggered.
"Dude, that looks like it could be Cartman's mom," he said.
"Yeah," Stan said. "Maybe it is Cartman's mom!"
"Five tickets to Burlington, please," Randy said. The fat lady snorted and pulled out five tickets.
"Here ya go," she said and then hawked up a wad of mucus. She spat it seemingly onto the ground.
"Dude, sick!" Stan shouted.
"Gross!" Kyle cried. They all walked off as fast as they could to where their plane was departing from: Gate F-69. Sharon handed their tickets to the guy in line and they walked on the plane. Kyle immediately got scared again. He stood at the entrance, hesitating.
"Dude, come on," Stan said and dragged him in. He sat him down in the seat next to him and strapped him in.
"Stan, I really don't like this..." Kyle moaned.
"Dude, shut up. It's going to be fine," Stan said.
He was right. The plane ride went smoothly and they landed without a hitch into the airport in Burlington. Kyle was the first one off the plane and when Stan's family caught up with him he was outside kissing the ground.
"Oh, thank God," he said. "Thank you thank you thank you..."
"Man, dude, you have a problem," Stan said. Kyle got up and brushed himself off.
"I just don't like planes," he said. Stan shrugged.
"Whatever, Kyle," Stan said. "Mom, where are we going?" She smiled down at him.
"We have to meet people here first," she said.
"Huh?" Stan said. "What people?" Sharon smiled and patted her son's head.
"You'll see, Stan," she said. They pushed through the crowd of people until Sharon spotted someone. She waved frantically.
"Lynn! Lynn, over here!" she said. A pretty blonde lady walked over to her then and smiled.
"Oh, hello Sharon," she said warmly. She looked down at Stan and Kyle.
"Oh, look...I can tell which one's yours," she said. "Hi Stan," she said, leaning down and hugging him. "I'm your Aunt Lynn. Who's your friend?"
"I'm Kyle," Kyle said. She smiled.
"Nice to meet you, Kyle," she said. "And Randy...how are you?"
"All right, Lynn," he said. "Just tired. Planes take a lot out of me." He looked around. "What time is it here?"
"It's seven and you're just in time for dinner if we hurry," she said. "Come on, I'll take you to my car." They followed the blonde out into the parking lot, where a blue van was parked.
"Hop in," she said. "We don't live very far from here." Kyle leaned over to Stan.
"She's nice," Kyle said. "Have you ever met her before?" Stan shook his head.
"I had no idea I had an aunt besides Aunt Flo," he said. "And she's dead."
They drove for about five minutes and then pulled into the driveway of a large, white, house.
"Home sweet home," Lynn said. "Come on in and make yourselves at home." They walked into the house and took in their surroundings.
"Stan! Come look at this!" Kyle cried. "Look, it's the biggest TV I've ever seen!" Stan ran out into the living room.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "It's bigger then Cartman's ass!"
"Yeah," Kyle said, laughing. "And they have a DVD player too!"
"Cool!" Stan cried. "We should watch some!" The adults came out into the room next, forcing the two boys to sit down and behave.
"Stan, could you please sit down," Lynn said kindly. "You too, Kyle. We have a surprise for your friend." They both sat down on the plush sofa, staring at the others. A girl wandered into the room then, about their age. Kyle's eyes widened and followed her until she sat down. Stan watched her with guarded interest, also.
"Wow," Kyle said. "She's cute!" Stan grinned.
"Yeah," he said. "I wonder who she is?" Kyle looked at her and then back at Stan.
"Hey," he said. "She looks kind of like you, Stan." Stan raised an eyebrow.
"No she doesn't," he shot back. "I'm a guy, she's a girl-"
"Boys, please, could you pay attention now?" Sharon said. Stan and Kyle shut up and gazed at the older people.
"Well?" Stan said. "What is it?" Sharon swallowed and then looked around nervously.
"Well, Stanley," she said. "You're going to be very surprised, all right? You may even be mad; actually, I am sure you are going to be mad. But you have to promise to hear me out, all right?" Stan nodded.
"All right," he said. "What is it?"
"Stan..." she said. "When I was pregnant with you I went to get an ultrasound to see what you were and I discovered something very shocking. Stan...you weren't alone."
"What the hell do you mean I wasn't alone?" he said. "Of course I was alone, there was no one in there with me-"
"No Stan, there was someone in there with you..." she said softly. "You have a twin sister, Stanley." No one spoke in the room for five seconds. Then, Stan broke the silence.
"What?" he cried. "I have a...what?" Sharon lowered her head.
"You have a twin sister, Stan," she said. "When I found out, I was so shocked. I didn't want to have to deal with two infants. So, I decided to give one of you up. I kept you since we already had a girl."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Stan shouted. "I've had a twin sister all my life that I've never met or seen and you...you..." He broke down, weeping in anger and frustration.
"I...am...so...pissed...off!" he said. Kyle put an arm around his friend.
"Aw man, Stan, what a mess this is," he said softly. "I'm sorry, dude." Sharon looked down at the ground.
"Stan..." she said. "That's why we're here. Oh...this is going to be hard..." She leaned over and whispered something in her sister's ear, and she shook her head. Sharon sighed and then continued.
"When I put my little girl up for adoption, she was taken by...my sister..." The girl who was sitting on the loveseat's eyes widened in shock. Sharon looked over at the poor girl.
"I'm not your aunt, Lily," she said softly. "I'm your mother." The girl, named Lily, stared at Lynn in shock. Stan looked over at her and she caught his eye. He turned back to his mother.
"That's her?" he said softly. "That's my sister?" Sharon nodded her head.
"That's the surprise," she said. "That's what it is, Stan," she said. Lily was staring at Lynn.
"You lied to me," she hissed. Her voice was low and pretty, even talking. Stan found himself wishing they weren't related.
"Why did you do this to me?" she cried out. "Why did you do this to my brother?" She turned towards Stan furiously.
"Aren't you mad about this?" she asked him. Stan nodded his head.
"Furious," he replied. Lily turned back to Lynn.
"All of my life I have been calling you mother," she said. "I loved you and trusted you and I thought this is where I was supposed to be. And now..." She started to cry, pounding her fist into the couch cushions. Stan looked over helplessly at Kyle, and then slowly got up and sat down next to his sister.
"Hey," Stan whispered. "Don't cry, Lily, please. It's going to all work out." She raised her head up slowly and gazed into his face.
"You think so?" she asked softly. He nodded.
"Yeah," he said. "I think it's going to work out fine." She gave him a small smile through her tears and hugged him tightly.
"Boy, am I glad to see you," she said. Stan allowed himself to be hugged and he even hugged her back.
"I know," he said. "Nice to meet you, sis." She smiled and hugged him tighter.
"Even better to meet you, bro," she replied.
