So... As i finished writing this, i read the updates of Bath Time
and Trouble Sleeping... Let me just say that i feel so horrible writing
this... But i did and i can't turn back time so...
I have no idea if i am going to continue this, or just leave it here. Just depends on if anybody actually reads this and if i feel like i actually could continue...
I had such a difficult time writing this.
I'm Always There With You
I looked up from my uncomfortable plastic chair that I had been sitting in for the past 3 hours when the doctors came over, I anticipated the worst but when it came, it wasn't exactly what I expected.
I only caught parts of his explanation, I heard something about his organs failing and that he won't recover.
It was such a harsh way of telling somebody that it was only a matter of time before they lost the love of their life, that his children were losing their father.
I asked the doctors if we could see him now, they simply nodded in response. We followed them into a private room that I swear must have been in another state judging by the amount time it took to get there.
As the door opened I just stood there, it was such an unsettling sight. Sandy had never been in a hospital in his life, he was rarely even sick. I didn't know what to do or say, I crossed the room and took his left hand, kissing his fourth finger where his ring should have been.
"Where's his wedding ring?" I asked so softly that I wasn't even sure if anybody actually heard me.
They must have heard though, because the taller doctor of the two walked over and handed me a small plastic bag which contained his wedding ring and his watch.
I didn't say thank you, I simply took the bag, fished out his ring and placed it where it belonged.
I just sat there looking at him, burning the image of him in my mind. Going over every inch of skin that I already knew too well.
As I sat there, taking in every physical aspect of him, the boys sat on the right side of him. I took my eyes of Sandy to look at each of them. Seth was sobbing with his face in his hands, while Ryan had hold and Sandy's hand and his other arm around Seth. At first I didn't think Ryan was crying, but a solitary tear ran down his cheek. I had to look away, I was feeling bad enough without looking at the boys and thinking about what a terrible mother I was being.
After a while of just sitting there with my head on his chest and his hand in mine, I sat up and I ran my fingers through Sandy's hair, it was still as soft as ever. I could tell you the number of grey hairs he had, although he still claimed to this day that they were just extremely blond highlights.
I was still running my fingers through his hair when the door opened behind me, I didn't turn around to see who it was but on the opposite side of the bed both Seth and Ryan, who had seemed to have stopped crying, stood up and walked over to the door.
My fingers dropped to Sandy's face as I listened to the boys greeting the visitor, it was The Nana. I hadn't even thought of her, I hadn't thought of anybody but myself and the boys. Thank god for the boys.
They shut the door behind them but it wasn't shut properly, so I heard their entire conversation. Sophie was asking what had happened, I heard her start to cry when the boys told her there was nothing anybody could do. Even if I didn't get along with Sophie, I would never minimise how devastated she was, I might be losing a husband, but she was losing a child. I never wanted to know what that felt like.
After a few minutes I heard Sophie ask how I was. This somewhat surprised me, to think that after everything, she might actually be concerned for me.
Seth lowered his voice at this point, I couldn't hear what he was saying, but then I heard Ryan say that he was surprised too.Surprised at what?
"Maybe she's stronger than we think, maybe rehab did knock it out of her," I heard Sophie say, suddenly well aware of what they were talking about. Truthfully I would have been drinking, but I knew I couldn't.
7 hours earlier
"Congratulations Mrs Cohen, you're pregnant," Dr Harris said.
I sat there with my mouth hanging open at a loss for words. Next to me I heard Sandy let out a soft "Wow."
He picked up my left hand and left a small kiss on it. I met his eyes and saw the excitement in them. I couldn't help but smile. Not that I wasn't happy. I was thrilled by the news, it was just rather unexpected.
"So Kirsten, I would like you to come back in the same time next week and we can go over everything and make your next appointments then," Dr Harris said, breaking me out of my Sandy induced trance.
"Okay, thank you," I said as I took Sandy's hand and walked out of the door.
As I stepped outside, I felt Sandy's arms wrap around my waist and his hands rest on my lower abdomen as he pressed his chest into my back. He left a kiss on my neck and whispered "I love you" into my ear.
I couldn't help but giggle as I turned around in his arms to smile up at him. I gave him a soft kiss on the lips and said "I love you too."
"Come on, lets go get some lunch," Sandy said as he took my hands and pulled me down the street.
"No, Sandy we should just head back home," I started to say.
"Baby come on, I didn't eat this morning, I'm staving!" He begged, "Please?"
"Urgh, fine then, lets go," I said, I could never deny him anything.
"Yes!" Sandy exclaimed, "Is there anything you feel like?"
"Umm… I could actually really go for some pizza," I found myself saying.
"Really?" Sandy asked, "Because you hardly ever eat pizza, you claim it's just bread with sauce."
"Well maybe I feel like a bit of saucy bread," I teased back, sticking my tongue out.
Sandy laughed, "You're so cute." He leaned in and took my lips with his in a soft, loving kiss.
I pulled back and smiled at him, "Well come on, lets go eat, I could really go for some of that saucy bread!"
Sandy took my hand and led the way down the long street.
After lunch at Bluewater Pizza, we walked back down the street back. As we walked past a bakery, I looked in the window and saw a simple sponge cake with pink icing. I suddenly really, really wanted a piece of that cake.
"Sandy, I want that cake," I stated, it wasn't open to discussion, I was getting that cake.
"What? Why?" he asked me, not understanding my sudden caving for it.
"Do I need a reason?" I asked him.
"Well no… But still why that cake?"
"I don't know, it just looks so appealing! And the icing is pink!" I explained.
"So, what does pink icing have to do with anything?"
"It's a sign." I told him.
He let out a chuckle, "And what kind of sign would that be love?"
"A sign that this baby is a girl."
He laughed once again as he leaned down and kissed my nose, "Whatever you think love."
"No, Sandy it is a girl!" I said, "I know it, it's going to be a girl."
"So I should start preparing my 'No you cannot date my daughter' speech now?"
"Well while you do that," I said as I let go of his hand, "I, am going to buy that cake!"
As I walked into the bakery, I heard Sandy groan behind me. But I knew he would follow, just as I could never deny him anything, he could never deny me either.
I stood behind a young man who was purchasing a pie from the elderly woman behind the counter. As he turned and left I stepped up to the counter.
"Hi, I was wondering if I could pie that cake with the pink icing in the window?" I asked her.
"Of course you could dear," the woman said, "Let me just get it for you."
I turned around and smiled at Sandy, he shook his head at me. I turned back to the counter where the elderly woman had was getting a box for my cake.
I felt Sandy's hand around my waist. I turned my head and kissed his cheek.
"Just so you know," I whispered to him, "I'm going to eat this entire cake myself."
Sandy just laughed, "I think I'm okay with that."
The elderly woman came back to the counter and put the box in front of me, "That will be Twelve Dollars dear."
I realised that I didn't have my wallet on me, so I turned to Sandy.
"What?" He said.
"I didn't bring my wallet," I told him, silently begging him to buy me this cake.
"Oh so not only will you not let me have any of it but now I have to pay for it too?"
"Yep, pretty much," I said offering him a sweet smile.
Sandy said nothing but pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and paid the lady.
"Thank you so much," I said to the lady, purposely not saying it to Sandy, just to see what he would say.
"Hey, what about me?" He said.
I just looked at him, not saying a word. Telling him silently that I would thank him later. He seemed to get the message as his hand found it's way around my waist as we walked out the door.
"So," Sandy said, "Do you really think it's a girl?"
"I'm positive it's a girl."
"And what makes you so positive?" He questioned.
"Honestly…" I started but then realised I had no answer. I stood there for a few seconds before I looked up at Sandy who had stopped when I did. "I really have no idea, I just have this feeling."
"Well that's good enough for me," he replied, moving towards me and placing a gentle kiss on my lips.
For a moment I considered taking the kiss farther but I was never one for such open displays of affection, especially in the middle of a busy street. I pulled back and smiled at him, "I love you, so much."
"Oh baby, I love you too," he whispered softly in my ear as he pulled me into a hug. "More than anything."
I buried my head in his neck and his hand ran through my hair as he left a loving kiss on the top of my head.
"Come on baby, let's get going otherwise we'll never get home," he said as he took my hand and let the way down the small amount of road we had left to walk.
I placed my head on his shoulder as we walked around the corner to head to the parking lot behind Doctor Harris' office, where we had parked the car that morning.
As we walked towards the car Sandy took my hand and led me towards my side of the car. He stopped and looked at me, "You know, I don't think that I've ever seen you look quite as beautiful as you do now."
"And why would that be Mr Cohen?" I said, blushing at his complement.
"Nothing is as beautiful as knowing that right now, you're carrying my child."
Why does he have to be so perfect? I thought to myself. I brushed my lips over his softly. It was thank you kiss.
Sandy smile and let go of me, heading to the other side of the car, but he didn't get far because as soon as he reached the rear of the car a middle aged man appeared.
"Can I help you?" Sandy said.
"I dunno, can you?" The man asked, not moving.
I looked down at my watch to check the time, it was 2:03p.m. I was thinking about how late it was getting when I heard it. The gunshots.
I looked up in fright, I saw the back of the man running and a whole lot of blood coming from Sandy.
"Oh my god! Sandy!" I scream as I dropped the cake I was still holding and ran towards him.
I sat on the ground next to him and lifted him into my arms. I pulled out my phone and dialled 911, stating my emergency.
"The ambulance is on it's way baby, just hold on," I told him.
He let out a long breath and looked up at me. "Kirsten," he let out in a pained sigh.
"I'm here baby, I'm here."
"I love you so much," he said, making the effort of lifting his hand to my cheek and softly stroking it with the back of his fingers. "And tell the boys I love them, and make sure they know how proud of them I am."
"Don't talk like that," I said quietly through my tears.
"And make sure that she knows I loved her too," He said, placing his hand on my stomach. "Make sure she has a perfect life."
I was bawling at this point. I couldn't sit here and listen to him talk about the life our daughter would have, one that didn't include him.
"Sandy don't talk like that, you're going to be okay."
"No Kirsten, I'm not," he said letting out a cough that included blood. "Just know, I love you more than anything."
"Sandy you can't leave me! I won't let you!"
"I
don't think you get a choice in the matter, baby," He said to me
with a mixture of pain and laughter in his eyes. "I'll always be with you."
It was only seconds later that the ambulance arrived, taking Sandy on a stretcher as I watched helplessly, climbing into the back once Sandy was in.
Present Time
I sat there staring at him, knowing that this would be the last time I ever saw him. I had tuned out Seth and Ryan's conversation with Sophie. I didn't need to hear anymore. I knew that I would have to tell them about the baby soon. But I didn't want it to come out while Sandy was laying here on his death bed.
It wasn't long before the door opened fully and the Boys and Sophie walked into the room. I felt someone's hand on my shoulder and looked up to see that it was Sophie's.
She didn't say anything and I was grateful, she simply stood me up and pulled me into a hug. I let my tears fall on her shoulder.
We stayed in the embrace for some time, until I pulled away saying "Thank you."
I offered her my seat, which she took and began saying her goodbyes.
I hadn't been able to say it yet. I didn't want to. How could I say goodbye to the man who changed my life? The man who loved me for me, the man that was my everything.
I just stood there until Ryan and Seth led me to one of the chairs on the other side of the bed. I sat down and looked back to Sandy. He didn't seem like Sandy, he didn't have the usual presence that Sandy possessed, even in his sleep.
He was now just a shell of the man he had been only hours before.
As I sat there staring at him, one of the doctors came back. I heard Seth, Ryan and Sophie all asking him questions. Each wanting to know things like Was there any chance of him recovering? Why were there no tubes or wires? Howlong would it be?
The doctor answered each of them, I didn't bother to listen after he said that his main organs had already started shutting down and there would be no chance of recovery.
I didn't need to listen to their reasoning. All I listened to now was the steady beeping of his heart monitor. Waiting for the moment that it would turn into that one long continuous beep.
We sat there for another two hours before anything happened.
First there was a soft cough from Sandy, then a deep breath that had a deathly rattle, which was closely followed by his eyes opening. At this point I had almost had a heart attack, but his eyes simply rolled into the back of his head and his eyelids shut again.
Those few seconds of silence that passed afterwards felt like hours, being broken by that one long continuous beep. The sound of death.
I heard all three people in the room break out into sobs. I just sat there. I took Sandy's hand in mine and buried my head, once again in his side.
The tears fell silently down my cheeks as the door opened and the doctors arrived. They didn't ask for me to move. They simply turned off the machine and said we could have a while.
I didn't move. I sat there for however long it was before the doctors came back.
As Seth helped me up, I looked back at Sandy.
I never said goodbye.
All four of us got in the car to go home. Although I don't know if I could ever call that place home again, home was always with Sandy. I looked at my watch and saw that it was 10p.m. It had been well over an hour since they had called his time on death; 8:47p.m.
As Ryan drove us out of the hospital's parking lot, I looked out the window. My mind was a blur, I heard Seth talking about something in the back seat, I wasn't listening until I heard my name.
"Huh?" was all I could manage.
"Kirsten, I said when we get home you should take a shower and we can get rid of those clothes," Sophie said to me with a look of concern.
"Uh yeah, of course," I mumbled, I looked down at the clothes I was wearing, I had forgotten about the blood. I didn't even know that his blood covered me until Seth and Ryan had arrived at the hospital and thought I was hurt too at the sight of fresh red fluid covering me.
It wasn't too much later that we pulled into the driveway. I got out of the car and led the way to the front door.
As I opened the front door I turned to Seth, Ryan and Sophie, "I'm just going to get in the shower."
"Okay mum," Seth said softly.
I walked down the few stairs that were there and continued down the hall, around the corner and up the stairs to our bedroom.
I took notice of the clothing that littered the floor. It was all his. The suit he wore to work the day before was strewn across the room, his shirt hanging over a lamp and his pants half thrown on a chair.
As I walked towards the bathroom I noticed the clock. It said 8:47.
I just stood there staring at it. Not knowing if it actually did say that or if I was hallucinating. Either way, I didn't want to know.
I pushed the clock out of my mind and walked into the bathroom.
So many mornings had been shared with Sandy in here. Just preparing for their days.
I opened the shower door, I turn on both taps, creating a warm mixture. I stepped out of the shower peeling off my clothes and throwing them in the corner of the bathroom. I stepped back into the shower allowing the water to stream over me.
As I watched the water turn red as Sandy's blood ran down my body onto the floor and down the drain, I started crying for the first time since leaving the hospital. In fact it had gone past the point of crying, I was sobbing.
I heard the bathroom door open and smiled. Thinking it was him I turned around, only to be met by the door. For that split second I forgot everything that had happened, like everything was back to normal. But it wasn't. Nothing would ever be the same again. I would always be waiting for him, and he would never be there
I sank to the shower floor pulling my legs up, wrapping my knees in my arms. I was at that point where the tears had stopped and I was gasping for air, forcing myself to breathe.
Each intake was like a knife plunging into my chest, the outtake not coming soon enough.
The water soon began to turn cold, but I let the cold water run over me. As I watched the blood that was still gently being stripped from me, I couldn't help but feel like I was losing him again. Which I told myself was stupid, he was already gone, his blood was nothing but his blood. A chemical product of his body. Nothing more, nothing less.
"Mum?"
I looked up and saw Seth standing just inside the door.
"Ryan and I want to talk to you," he said softly, "I laid your pajamas out on your bed for you and here's a towel."
"Thank you," I said softly.
He gave a small smile before turning around and shutting the door.
I got up and turned the water off. As I stepped out of the shower, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked terrible, but I didn't care.
I walked over and picked up the towel Seth had left for me. As I wrapped it around my body, I realised that this would be my only source of warmth in the future. That I would no longer have that warm body next to mind in bed, I would never feel his arms around me, warming every inch of me.
All I had left was the bitter cold.
I walked through the closet and into the bedroom, Seth had lain out my flannelette pajamas and my pink robe. I picked up the pajama bottoms and left the rest, walking back into the closet.
I went straight to Sandy's side. I knew what I wanted. I quickly found his grey Berkeley sweater and his blue robe.
I got dressed rather slowly as I was attempting to hold back a new set of tears that were threatening to fall.
I walked down the hallway towards the kitchen. A path that Sandy and I had walked so many times.
It actually felt sickening to walk into the kitchen alone, or walk in there and not see him waiting for me. I knew I would miss these little things.
Three pairs of eyes looked up at me when I walked in. Each pair portraying a look of concern that was evident even through their falling tears.
I sat down in the seat next to Seth. He put his arm around my shoulder and all I could think was how horrible a mother I was being. I hadn't offered any comfort to Seth or Ryan.
"I'm sorry," Came blubbering out of my mouth as I put my head in my hands to hide my tears from view.
"No."
"Why?"
"Don't be."
Came from the other three occupants of the kitchen at the same time.
I just sat there silently crying. I didn't know what else to do.
"It's going to be okay mum," Seth whispered into my ear.
"No it wont Seth," I told him.
"Yes, it will," He said in a strong voice, "We can all get through this together. You know Dad wouldn't want us to wallow in his loss."
I let out a sigh, I knew he was right, "I know."
Everybody was silent for a few moments until Seth, definitely his father's son, broke the silence.
"Hey, why don't we all go watch Grease in honour of Dad?"
"That sounds like a great idea," Sophie said.
Seth got up starting to walk towards the lounge room with Ryan and Sophie following.
I was about to get up when I stopped myself.
"Hey guys, there's something I need to tell you," I said rather quietly, part of me hoping none of them heard.
But they did, they all stopped and looked at me.
I took a deep breath, "I'm pregnant."
Ok so first I just want to say that I had a really difficult time, firstly finding a way to kill Sandy… And then actually writing it… I have no knowledge at all about gunshot wounds except from what has been on Grey's Anatomy lol so yeah that part probably makes no sense whatsoever so sorry lol.
Also I have no idea how long it would actually take for the organs to shut down… I also don't know how long a flight from Miami to Orange County would take, so yeah I just put the Nana arriving in anywhere lol.
But what I do know is the way it feels to be waiting in a hospital room having the knowledge that this will be the last time you will see a loved one. That's where the whole idea for this fic came from… I was feeling rather down and yeah I dunno… This just happened.
I really don't know what the purpose of this was, but please review… Tell me what you liked… Or what you hated. I don't mind lol.
And finally im cut as this did not come out looking the way i wanted it to... And i have no idea how to fix it.
