A/N: Post break up in 3x16 is a really intriguing time period for RM, so I'm writing various situations that I'd have either liked to see or thought was necessary to see (but didn't). They'll be varying in length and longer than traditional drabbles because these kids drive me crazy. This one takes place at the end of 3x17 when Marissa turned around and decided not to attend Ryan's party.

Title comes from "Humiliation" by The National.


She takes a long breath when she sees him at the end of the pier, and finds that her legs feel like jello. It'd been stupid to come to the Bait Shop, but she couldn't help herself.

Ryan's reading something from a piece of paper and his expression is blank. She isn't too far away, but she can see the crinkle of his eyes and a crease in his forehead.

With the mix cd she made him still in her hands, she comes close enough for the past to catch up with her. Go, he had said, and she did.

She stops in her tracks, a new wave of emotion coming over her. She thinks she'll set him free, once and for all. Give him the break he's needed for months now, solidify his words on the phone the other night.

And so she turns around, fingers gingerly holding the cd. It's about time she let him be. He doesn't need her in his life anymore, not after the year she's put him through. It's the thoughts she's been mulling around for awhile now.

Marissa hears the ocean waves and decides to visit the lifeguard stand, her second home. It isn't until she hears her name called once, twice that she realizes who it's from.

"Hey," Ryan says when he walks up to her, stuffing his mother's letter in his back pocket.

"Hi," she says small, and hates how her voice sounds.

He doesn't ask her where she was going because he knows where, and he knows she decided on not coming to the party. But still, she almost did.

Marissa eyes him warily, thinking back to the model home and the new boy who saw her for who she was. Even after all this time, the tumultuous year they had, she still feels so strongly for him. She thinks that probably won't ever change.

Running a hand up her arm, she remembers. "Oh – happy birthday."

She hands him the cd with her limp arm and winces when he spots her bandages.

His eyes widen and the idea that he still cares makes her ache. "What happened?"

Ryan's on alert now, and he notices her tired eyes and the bruise on the top of her forehead. He steps closer and she forces herself not to retreat.

"It's nothing," she says with a wave of her good hand. "I'm clumsy is all."

It's said carelessly and with her eyes averting his, which only makes him worry more.

"Marissa-"

"I'm fine, Ryan," she tells him, this time with a more defined voice. Her eyes reach his and she begs him to drop the topic. She won't tell him about the model home, won't drag him into more mess he wants nothing part of.

He nods reluctantly and turns over the cd in his hands. He won't tell her he saw it in the trailer earlier and was much more moved about this gift than anything the Cohens had planned. "Thank you."

"It's not a big deal. You wanted another copy."

Ryan's eyes meet hers again and they're both at a loss of what to say. So much and so little at the same time. Something in him wants to tell her about the letter from his mom, another Atwood to disappoint him yet again. But he doesn't, of course he doesn't. They're oceans apart and have been for weeks.

She feels like crying. It's all she's been doing for the past few days, it seems, and she's tired of it. That's why she turned around before he'd caught sight of her.

"I'm gonna go," she mutters, and watches his eyes lower slightly.

Ryan almost touches her but decides against it. "You don't have to."

"Yeah, I do."

It's an exchange of apology when their eyes meet and he wants to tell her to stay but no words come out. It's a goodbye and everything they should've said rolled into a shared glance, and Ryan facing a reality in which Marissa isn't there doesn't seem right.

Running a hand through her hair, she resigns herself to the idea she'll always feel something for him. It breaks her heart and it's painful, but at least they'll keep on pretending what they had wasn't the realest thing either of them had ever felt. She's done it before and she'll do it again.

She turns to leave and makes sure he doesn't see the tears that fall soon after.