Author's Note: Look it's a real fan fiction thing with eventual chapters and everything! AH, yes, here it is. Warning, it's a silly parody of course and if you don't like humor of any kind don't read this and expect to enjoy this. And here's our friendly disclaimer:
Of course I do NOT own Lord of the Rings or any of its attributes. If I did, I would be very rich and I would drink champagne with diamonds in the glass every day and I would own estates and such. In other words, I am NOT Tolkien and I'm not dead. Thank you, I am done now. This is my first Lord of the Rings fic.. so please go easy.
Frodo woke up that morning, yawning and getting slowly out of bed when he heard a strange ring. The ring seemed to form notes and even a song and come to think of it it was quite annoying. He clumsily stood all the way up, shaking his hair a bit before inching towards the noise. Where was it coming from? Oh yes… near the mantle. Just then Bilbo entered, whining about visitors and motioned to Frodo to hide away from the windows.
"I'm not at home!" he yelled outside angrily and locked the door behind him. The ring came again and Bilbo jumped, annoyed and startled at the same time. "Frodo, what is this madness?"
He shrugged, just as confused as his uncle. "I don't know. It only just started. Bilbo, do you know what's going on?"
Just then Gandalf knocked his staff on the door loudly, grumbling something about an annoying noise. "Will somebody answer the bloody door?!"
Bilbo ran to the door, confused to hear a frustrated Gandalf who had come to visit the Shire for his a hundred and eleventieth birthday. "Gandalf?"
"Oh, no doing that, Bilbo, I'm in rather of a rush right now." With that, the great wizard didn't even hesitate before coming in just as the elderly hobbit opened the small circular door. Gandalf had to duck in however as he rushed in, staff knocking on the chandelier above the doorway.
"Gandalf, what are you doing here besides smacking into our chandelier?" asked poor Frodo who was getting rather annoyed at the strange ringing and even more confused at the friendly wizard showing up at their doorstep of Bag End.
"Somebody answer that thing already!" Upset, the wizard finally found the source of the annoying ringing which just happened to be a small cell phone with the covering of the words Wizards Unite in yellow over it. "Yes, I'm here. Yes, I've found the hobbits. Yes, I CAN hear you now. What? Honestly, you just won't shut up, will you. Yes, I know my mission, all right? I've read the bloody script. Yes, are you going to be quiet now and let me talk to the confused hobbits? Well, thank you." Gandalf, more annoyed than ever, quickly ended the phone conversation, turned off the cell phone and stuffed it somewhere in his robes, where I do not exactly wish to describe. The two hobbits stared at him, thoroughly confused and now bothered at the new thing that the wizard had been using.
"Excuse me, what's going on? What was that? Gandalf, please explain what just happened. I'm so confused!" Bilbo let out a frustrated yelp at the end of his little speech.
"Well, that's what I'm here for to help you to understand what you need to do, my young hobbit." At this comment, he was looking directly at Frodo who was also looking quite confused for he was good at looking confused.
"But what is that, Gandalf? Is it a quest?"
"Ah, yes, boy, it is a quest. It involves one of your uncle's old possessions that you do not know of yet. He was going to give it to you once you had Bag End but now is a better time as your uncle is going to make a disappearing trick at the party tonight.
"That was supposed to be a surprise, you darn wizard! Honestly, can't I disappear when I want to?"
"Yes, you can, but not now. I don't have time to get this plot moving slowly. Anyways, you know of which I speak of, Bilbo. You found it in Smaug's cave so many years ago."
At this comment, the elderly hobbit turned pale and he backed away, not willing for what the wizard had just said. "No, no, Gandalf, I won't let you take it! Please, I've grown fond of it so. You can't take it away from me!"
"Honestly, how you got so attached to that thing is beyond me. Come on, Bilbo, we need to take it out of your room so Frodo can go destroy it. It's Eeeee-vil you know. Not just one e, lots of es evil. Bilbo, will you cooperate?"
"But, please, he's very special to me. It's my own, my precioussss!"
"Oh, save it, and get it… NOW."
Whimpering, the hobbit left the room leaving Frodo more confused than usual and Gandalf glaring after him. The wizard did not bother to explain himself and Bilbo came soon after, something hidden behind his voice but Gandalf grabbed it from him.
"Bilbo, don't try to toy with me. This is pure Eeeeee-vil!" He shook the thing in his hands and Frodo stared wide-eyed. What was this strange and terrible thing his mentor held?
"No, please, Gandalf, give him back. How I love his laugh…"
"BILBO!" The wizard shouted and squeezed the thing's stomach, a most terrible look in his eyes as he did so. Then the thing spoke… quite menacingly in his little voice.
"Oh, I am a little thing of doom look at me play! Look at me play! I will sing and dance for you! Look at me play! Look at me play!" And then the thing giggled and burst into song. He would have kept going if Gandalf had not smacked it on the head to keep it quiet.
"This is not right, Bilbo, you must understand! Look at it! It's a Tickle Me Elmo for goodness sakes!"
"Oh, but, honestly, isn't he adorable?"
"No, it's not. The thing bears the ability to bring back Lord Sauron, so I think not. No, we're throwing it into Mount Doom and that's final."
At this, Bilbo started whining incessantly, quite annoyed that Gandalf said his toy was evil and a thing of doom and that Frodo was looking quite embarrassed at this new discovery. He had always wondered what Bilbo had been doing behind closed doors and to discover he was busy giggling at an instrument of doom was quite a harsh reality. The young hobbit looked at his uncle and then the wizard, dumbfounded.
"What's going on exactly?"
"Your uncle is harboring a thing of eee-vil because he thinks it's cute and you must destroy it because Bilbo already has his book and you are a cute hobbit so it will make the fan girls happy. Is that clear?"
"Oh, all right then, but what about my friends?"
"They won't miss you. Now, let's get going."
"Aaaaaah!"
The shout came from under the window of the hobbit hole and Gandalf moaned, knowing who it was. After all, he had read the script. He went out the door and dragged the hobbit out of hiding. Out from the bush came Samwise Gamgee who had been listening the whole time and now he was within the hobbit hole and Gandalf presented him with a cell phone and gave Frodo his uncle's doll along with a cell phone of his own.
"Now, go with your friend already. You must both destroy this terrible thing. Go on now. Off with you. Don't even bother about Bilbo's little party."
And off they went with several packs of supplies to their destiny or their doom perhaps with Elmo in Frodo's arms and grim looks on their faces.
