A/N First off, to any people possibly following my other story that saw my update today; your support has blown me away, and I am going to try my hardest to finish that one. I wrote this story as sort of catharsis and it helped a little, but be warned, ANGST ahead. I'm sorry for that but I also hope you enjoy it
"So this is it?" Emma cried. "You're just going back to him like nothing ever happened between us?"
"Nothing ever did happen Miss Swan," Regina said with a resigned sigh. "You just need to let it go and move on."
Rain was pouring down around them, soaking both women to the bone. However, in the heat of the moment, neither seemed to notice.
Heartbroken, Emma just stared at Regina for a moment. She couldn't even describe everything she was feeling. Nausea, pain… anxiety? She couldn't breathe. Oh God, she really couldn't breathe.
A loud ringing made itself apparent in Emma's ears as she gasped for breath. Black spots were swirling in front of her vision as she struggled, unable to focus. A hand broke through the haze, gingerly placed on her back. Slowly, a voice came back to her; Regina's voice.
"C'mon, breathe," it was saying. "In… 2… 3… Out… 2… 3…" Emma focused on the voice, following its commands, letting the black spots fade away. Eventually the panic attack, as Emma had come to realize it was, subsided.
"There you go Miss Swan," Regina said, moving to help them both up.
A pang shot through Emma's chest again at the name. Miss Swan. Regina hadn't called her that in a year. Not since before they started Operation Mongoose.
To get Regina her happy ending, Emma thought miserably. And it's not with me.
The weight of everything that had happened in the past year started collapsing onto Emma, almost throwing her into another panic.
No, she thought. Regina cannot get the satisfaction of breaking me.
She steeled her shoulders back and met Regina's gaze with a defiant glare. Numbness was washing over her, not quite protecting her feelings, but hiding them for now.
"Do you love him?" Emma finally asked, a déjà vu of a conversation three years earlier passing over her.
An emotion passed through Regina's eyes, giving Emma the satisfaction of Regina knowing the significance of the question as well, before her gaze hardened.
"Of course I love him," Regina spit out her words from three years prior, and although Emma still didn't believe them, she had no fight left. Instead, she gave a brisk nod, before turning back the way she came.
Her new apartment wasn't far from Regina's mansion, a fact that once brought great joy but now more pain. The rain was still crashing down, obscuring Emma's vision so much that she wasn't sure what was the rain and what were her tears.
She made it to her apartment, but didn't get further than the couch before collapsing in a fit of ugly sobs. She was gasping for breath, unable to do anything but curl up and try to let this pass. Her body felt as if it was in actual, physical pain—like a hole had been ripped from her chest. Or maybe that was just her heart.
Memories of the past year swirled in front of her.
The two had grown considerably closer while searching for Regina's happy ending; long nights spent trying to find the author of the book and weekly "family" dinners that turned into an almost nightly occurrence. The few times Emma fell asleep at the mansion while they worked late before Regina finally just allowed Emma to sleep in her bed with her.
Nothing had specifically happened between the two, but the feelings were there… at least Emma had thought so. And Henry had as well.
"It's okay you know," Henry had said.
"What's that?" Emma answered, tearing her gaze away from Regina doing the dishes after dinner.
"That you love my mom," Henry replied matter of factly. "And she loves you too. At least… she never looked that happy with Robin."
Robin… the person who had now come back, and without his wife. Ready to start things right back up again with Regina without even a mere apology for the way he strung her along before.
A fire raged in Emma's heart, hatred for Robin swirling around.
How can he love her more than me? Emma thought darkly. She had always been saving Regina; always, even when they "hated" each other. They understood each other… for Emma; there could be no one else.
Sure, she tried to be with Hook, but once Operation Mongoose really took off Emma knew that she could never truly be happy with him. He was more of a brother than true love.
Regina was true love, Emma was sure of it. The two flirted frequently, and since Regina's birthday was approaching Emma was planning on finally asking Regina on a date and then confessing her feelings. That was all that was really left to reveal at this point, besides finally kissing her and engaging in… more exciting activities. But what Emma really looked forward to was just having someone to be with, finally. Someone to love and know that they loved just as fiercely back. Someone to make a family with.
But now, Emma was left with nothing. She should have seen this coming, but up until a week ago things had been fine. Emma had taken Henry on a trip to New York to see his old friends, while Regina had to stay back in Storybrooke because she still couldn't cross the town line. The separation had been difficult, but the two had made it work by texting and talking on the phone almost constantly. Even Henry thought it was overkill, but they had grown used to seeing each other every day after being alone for so long.
Then one day, Regina's replies had just… stopped.
She was reading Emma's messages, but didn't respond. And then, she wasn't even reading them anymore. Emma could clearly remember their last conversation. She had taken Henry and some friends to the zoo that day, and was pretty exhausted and cranky. She had selfishly taken that attitude out on Regina, as the two of them still tended to do, but that was when Regina stopped answering.
Emma thought maybe she just needed to cool off, but the next day the cold shoulder continued. Yet Henry was still getting messages from his mother, and she was acting totally normal towards him, so Emma knew that nothing was wrong.
Why are you ignoring me?
Please talk to me.
Whatever I did, I'm sorry. Please can you just tell me what's wrong?
All texts Emma had sent to Regina, all went unanswered. So as a last resort, she finally sent Regina one last text, confessing all of her feelings. That she thought she had loved people before, but never really understood what it was about until she met Regina. That she just wanted to talk, and wanted to keep a relationship no matter what. But that message hadn't even been read. Regina had either deleted it or just left it unread in her phone.
So Emma had come back. She had dropped Henry off with David and Mary Margaret, and went to the mansion to finally work things out. Only Regina hadn't opened the door. It had been Robin. A partially clothed Robin. Followed by a partially clothed Regina.
If Emma thought she had known heartbreak before, she was wrong. While giving up Henry was the hardest thing she had ever done, losing Regina would be harder, because Emma had Henry back now but she would never have Regina again.
You never even really had her, her mind reminded her.
The rain had begun immediately, as the wind had literally been knocked straight from Emma's chest. Followed by the pain of Regina rejecting her. Without even hearing Emma's argument outright.
"Of course I love him," Regina's voice echoed throughout Emma's mind.
Emma's cries were dying down, but the pain in her chest wasn't lessening at all. She knew what her mom would say—time would make it better. But Emma didn't think so. Time couldn't heal the pain of losing your soul mate, of that she was sure.
But she had to move on. She had to try, for Henry… and for herself. Because she deserved better, she knew.
Tomorrow she would talk to her parents, and talk to Henry. Maybe convince Hook to take her out sailing as a distraction.
But for now, Emma just had to wait for the rain to stop.
