Numb
Disclaimer: The usual, don´t own them and don´t sue me.
A/N: It´s the first part of an Addek story. This chapter also deals with Maddison, but it´s definitely going to be Addek. I´ve written the story before I´ve watched 3.05, so it starts after the fourth episode.
Big thanks and hugs go to CCke for betaing my story and doing that amazingly.
Please read and review. Nothing´s changed, they still make my day.
Bling.
7th floor.
An elderly couple got off the elevator,
probably coming back from breakfast while she was returning home from
work.
Home. A luxurious hotel room with all the necessities one
could wish for and still lacking warmth and comfort. A noisy TV that
informed her how obviously the whole world seemed to be heading
straight forward down the abyss of human kind while the rain was
blowing roughly at her room windows. This typical Seattle rain,
drizzling, falling down from the sky in soft, little pearls. The kind
of rain that though it was soft and almost imperceptible, made you
shiver in dislike. Constant indecisiveness. Rain or no rain. Too wet
to be dismissed without further notice, too dry to waste a second
glance. She hated this Seattle rain and yet she couldn't just walk
away either. She was trapped, trapped in this circle of
indecisiveness , watching the drizzle run down her windows.
Bling.
16th floor.
No one got in or off. She was alone in
the elevator on a Sunday morning at half past 8, completely
surrendered to her thoughts that naturally plagued her after a night
like this. It's been 16 weeks since a
single signature ended 12 years of believing in forever.
It hadn't come as a surprise
when she had found the panties, not in the literal meaning of it.
Yes, he had asked her to the prom and he had made her believe that he
really intended to try. But being in this marriage for so long and
the constant self-convincing that it was going to change eventually
made her resistible to certain phrases. Their sound just stopped
holding any meaning.
She hadn't moved out yet, out of her empty, white hotel room on the 22nd floor. She had never intended to stay there as long as she had, but she had never found the energy to go looking for houses. She´d tried it though, once, two weeks after the divorce had been finalised. She had been standing in that living room with riverside view and that fireplace and it was lovely. It would have been perfect, had she not felt so lost. She hadn't know where she was and how she felt. She hadn't been so confused in a very long time. Everything around her, no matter what, just seemed to start off an inner turmoil the size of Washington. So she had stayed in her plain, white hotel room which's soullessness offered her the opportunity to not face her emotions and keep on swaying through the day on the ground of numbness.
Bling. 21st floor.
She took a deep breath, remembering the night she had found him on that exact same floor, getting onto the elevator. Never once avoiding her gaze, staring back into her emerald eyes - so full of hurt and guilt and self-loathing. She hadn't needed to ask because she'd known him for so long and part of her must have already known what was going to happen when she'd informed him that they were nothing more than co-workers. He was Mark after all. That superficial, arrogant, insanely good looking New York type that never had to put much effort into getting something that he really wanted, even if he didn't want it at all. The one that put incredible amounts of money into the works of a shrink who'd tell him exactly what he'd known deep down all along. That he hated the self-destructive part of him that had fallen in love with his best friend's wife so long ago and had cost him his friendship and the love of his life. And that he hated even more the fact that after everything, after seeing her fall apart piece by piece each passing day after Derek had left, he couldn't bring himself around to regret what happened, to wish for it to have never happened, not even for her sake. He hated that Mark Sloan. And the only way to get rid of that part of him was to reduce his being to only his anatomy. Sex was his emergency exit. The green and white blinking sign that would always save him from himself in times of need. She had known that because after all he'd been her friend for over a decade as well as Derek's and she loved him. She would always love him. But she wasn't sure if she could ever fall in love with him. Some part of her, the part that has seen him break hearts as if it was an act of normality, that has seen him reduce not only himself but also the partners he's been with to the least necessary in order to avoid feeling, couldn´t trust him with her heart. When it came to falling for Mark, Addison was just scared beyond reasonable limits.
Bling. 22nd floor.
Taking another deep breath, she waited for the elevator doors to open before stepping out of it and walking towards her room. Her gaze fixed on the red carpet while she was trying to dismiss her current thoughts. Soon she would enter the walls of denial, would make her way to the mini bar and pour herself some liquor. The burning liquid that would help her fall asleep. She had gotten used to this special aid during these last months and to be honest even before that. For some people alcohol causes a state of being overly emotional where they are forced to reminisce over past mistakes and memories. But fortunately for her the only effect alcohol had on her was to strengthen the numbness and most nights she needed nothing more than that. Tonight was by far no exception.
She slowly got up from the bottom bunk, searched the room for her clothes and let her eyes wander over her body. She was stunned at how cold one person could get and what a numbness this coldness could cause on a human soul and how insanely the same everything still looked. She wondered if the impact of someone literally stomping on her beating heart would cause her any pain. And she wasn't sure anymore.
She didn't have to look back to know that he was looking at her, studying every single movement and encouraging himself to say the words that they both knew were inevitable but impossible to say out loud.
" What does that mean, Addie? " He asked as if she was in the know of every secret life held. But she didn't. She just didn't know what that meant because she was lost, trapped in the uncertainty of not knowing where to belong.
She didn't turn around while fastening the last buttons of her blouse. She looked straight ahead, staring at the wooden door, concentrating on not saying the wrong words. Choices, there were always choices, no matter when and no matter where. And right now she had to choose the right words that had to define what she couldn't yet believe had happened. But just like them, her head was a mess, a turmoil of wanting, needing and trying to push away. So she chose to do what seemed right. She turned the lock, opened the door and stepped out of the room without throwing a last glance at the man lying in the bottom bunk, waiting for her answer. She simply had none.
" I don't know. " She sighed while closing the door behind her.
She spotted him as soon as she had rounded the corner. He was sitting there with outstretched legs and guessing by his appearance he must have done so for quite a while. His clothes were sitting messily on his body and his eyes looked tired. She knew that he had signed out before midnight and even if he had gone to Joe's, what he probably had, he must have been here by 3, the latest. He was leaning against her door,rhythmically breathing and not aware of her presence yet. He was lost in thought. She considered turning around and walking away from him. After this night she wasn't sure she was ready for what was probably about to be discussed.
She decided against it and softly called out his name.
"Mark." She could have made a sarcastic remark or called him on his obsessiveness to be with her, but she knew that it was not the right moment. He looked so defeated as he was sitting there in front of her door and waiting for her to come.
"Addison, where are we?" His was voice smoother than usual from the scotch that had poured down his throat this evening. "I'm here and you're here and somehow you're not, not even close. And I waited. Waited for you to pass it, to see that I was here. But you're just drifting away, shutting down, like after he'd left. And I feel so tired and I'm slowly losing hope and I need to know where we are?" He finished his eyes and voice mirroring the defeat visible in his appearance.
He looked her straight in the eyes, demanding and at the same time unsure of wanting to know the answer. But five months in Seattle, five months of chasing after her, proving her that he loved her and at the same time never pushing her too far, never demanding too much and always respecting the time she needed to deal with her broken self and her failed marriage first, had pushed him to his limits. Limits that he'd never known he had. But then he'd never made much of an effort to deal with his emotions in the first place.
Again she was faced with questions, but this time she knew how to answer them, even if she'd rather not known. She had called him back then because she knew he'd come. It was selfish to want him here to make her feel desired and loved again. It was cruel because she knew he'd come. Because he loved her. And even though she'd tried or intended to do so, she knew that she could not love him back in the way he loved her and that there was a high possibility that would never change. She was selfish because she knew this moment was inevitable, she had just prolonged it to the farthest point possible. Because she knew that this point had come, she walked towards him, slid down next to him and sighed deeply before starting to speak.
" I'm sorry, Mark. And I know that it's not going to help, but I really am. Mostly I'm sorry that I can't love you back in the way you love me. I don't understand it because you're perfect. You always come when I need you and you wait for me when it must kill you. You don't know how much I wish I would be in love with you." Addison looked him in the eyes during the whole time, watching how she crushed the last bit of hope he had that she'd come home that night and tell him that they could have their second chance, the first real one and that she was finally ready to start over again. With him. She knew how it killed him because she'd been in the same situation over a year ago when Derek had confessed his love for another woman, on Christmas. But at the same time Addison had to stop dragging Mark along with her when she didn't even know where she was going. It simply was not fair to him.
" But you aren't and you won't be, will you?" he concluded sadly, barely making eye contact.
She didn't reply. She couldn't. She just took his hand in hers and let their fingers entwine. After a few moments she looked up at him sadly and took all her courage to finalize what had been hanging like a sword above their heads for so long now.
"No," she whispered, almost inaudible, and all the while painfully aware of how this single word broke the heart of a man who'd fought his whole life to not let anyone get so close as to be able to do just that. Addison knew from her own experience that she could do nothing to console him right now, even though she would have done everything to help him get rid of the pain. There were no words that magically took the pain away, no actions that could make you feel better for more than a few hours and not worsen the pain afterwards. There was nothing that was as indescribable or as unlimited as love. But this inability to define was the danger, because if there was no love then there was nothing, just pure nothingness.
They both stared at the white wall in front of them, holding hands and seeing how the rising sun enlightened the depressingly cold hotel floor piece by piece with every passing minute. The irony of this not getting lost on them, that on a day like this, the morning would start of sunny and bright, stealing them the opportunity to let the drizzling rain help wash away their sorrows.
They sat like that for quite a while, none of them saying a single word. But then he averted his eyes from the wall and shifted his weight so that he now sat on his left leg, facing Addison more directly. She was immediately drawn to his actions and turned her face to look at him as well. Their hands were drawn apart by the latest movement and neither of them made the attempt to re-establish the former closure. When he spoke up, he sounded rather pulled together, not as broken as he had been only minutes before. He had gone back to putting up that wall in order to shield him from others. Addison couldn't deny that she was a little bit hurt by that, but she understood.
" I have to go. Work. Bye." He didn't hesitate for too long until he stood up and headed towards the elevator, going faster and faster with every move, only stopping briefly and turning around after Addison had called her goodbye after him. Looking at her he opened his mouth, but didn't seem to be able to say what he meant to say, so he closed it again.
Addison nodded at him understandingly, and with a sad smile he turned around and left.
Addison kept on staring at the closed elevator doors even after he'd long left and was probably already outside the hotel. Addison thought that she was really fucked up because even after these intense moments, after seeing the heart of the one that had been her best friend for the last few years, break by the ultimate confession made by her, she still felt so freaking numb and she suddenly began to fear that would never change.
Slowly she stood up, pressed against these white walls, these freaking white walls which seemed to laugh at her with their endless emptiness. Mocking her about her fate, her inevitable destiny. She slid the card in the lock, opened the door and didn't hesitate to make her way over to the mini bar, holding all she needed right then. Her good old Russian friend, Mr Gorbatschow.
She opened the bottle and let the liquid run down her throat, fill her body and increase the numbness. Repeating that motion over and over again, drowning the voice that had been plaguing her for hours now.
" I need you, Addie. I just need you now."
