Battle of the Bish

By Reanna King

PART ONE: Opening ceremonies.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I usually don't write anything this stupid, but I had the idea last night and I thought that it might be amusing. I didn't plan it out great, so I'm just going to start writing and see what happens.

CAST:

Chibi Reanna- Your overall host and judge.

Lina Inverse (The Slayers)- Your host for the strength competition.

Milfa (Elven Bride)- Your host for the loyalty competition.

Tenjou Utena (Utena)- Your host for the moral strength competition.

Meruru (Escaflowne)- Your host for the cuteness competition.

Nakatomi Nanaka (Magic User's Club)- Your host for the intelligence competition.

Dakki (Houshin Engi)- Your host for the manipulate-ability competition.

Raphael (Tenshi ni Narumon)- Your host for the sexiness competition.

Keyne Aqua (Photon)- Your host for the chivalry competition.

Musashi (Pocket Monsters)- Your host for the determined-ness competition.

Excel (Excel Saga)- Your host for the funniness competition.

Demon Queen Émigré (Jigsaw)- Your host for the evilness competition.

Xelloss (The Slayers)

Perio-sensei (Elven Bride)

Ohtori Akio (Utena)

Dryden (Escaflowne)

Kaoru Miki (Utena)

Aburatsubo Ayanojou (Magic User's Club)

Shinkouhyou (Houshin Engi)

Michael (Tenshi ni Narumon)

Papachariino Nanadan (Photon)

Kojiro (Pocket Monsters)

Il Palazzo (Excel Saga)

Kao-xe'kale Jallen (Jigsaw)

THE COMPETITION!

CHIBI REANNA: Good evening, bishie fans! I'm here in the "Unshakable Infatuation" part of Reanna King's brain, where the greatest competition in the 19 years of Reanna's life is about to take place! It's a huge competition with eleven events testing the abilities and character of twelve bishounen, who are all vying for the spot as Reanna's all-time favorite anime guy! Each of the eleven events will be hosted and judged by a female anime character.

(AMBIGUOUSLY EXISTENT CROWD CHEERS)

CHIBI REANNA: I'm Chibi Reanna, your host for this competition. Now, let's bring out our competitors!

(UP ON A STAGE, A CURTAIN IS DRAWN, REVEALING ALL TWELVE BISHOUNEN, STANDING MORE-OR-LESS PROUDLY IN LINE)

CHIBI REANNA: First up, Xelloss from "The Slayers!" (SHE APPROACHES XELLOSS) Xelloss, why are you competing for this spot?

XELLOSS: Mochiron! Sore wa himitsu desu!

CHIBI REANNA: Mochiron desu ne! Next up is Perio-sensei, from "Elven Bride!" Perio-sensei, why are you in this competition?

PERIO: (pushes up his glasses) In order to reach as many young girls as possible. (gives a "victory" sign to the audience) Remember, girls! I'm the gynecologist with all the answers!

CHIBI REANNA: Right… next is Ohtori Akio from "Shoujo Kakumei Utena!" Akio-san, why are you here tonight?

AKIO: (smiles sexily) Because after "Planetarium Night," I deserve to be.

CHIBI REANNA: (blushes) You certainly do… Next is Dryden, from "Vision of Escaflowne." Dryden, why are you here?

DRYDEN: (chuckles) Looked fun.

CHIBI REANNA: Really. Next is Kaoru Miki, from "Shoujo Kakumei Utena." Miki, do you have a reason for being here?

MIKI: (blushes) Err, yes. As Reanna's first favorite bishounen, I felt obligated to be here… but I'm not sure I fit in…

CHIBI REANNA: Oh, no! You fit in just fine! (looks at all the bad guys) Just… fine… … … Er, anyway! Our next competitor is Aburatsubo Ayanojou, from "Magic User's Club." Aya-san, why are you here? You're gay, right?

AYANOJOU: Of course, I could never neglect my Takeo-kun, but I am Reanna's favorite "Mahou Tsukai Tai!" character, after all…

CHIBI REANNA: (turns to SHINKOUHYOU) And you? You're from "Houshin Engi," right? Why have you come all the way from ancient China for this competition?

SHINKOUHYOU: Sore wa mada himitsu desu! A ha ha ha ha!

XELLOSS: Hey… that's my catch phrase…

CHIBI REANNA: (walks over to MICHAEL) And… Mikaeru, from "Tenshi ni Narumon" …What about you, Mikaeru-san?

MICHAEL: You mean this isn't the angel exam? (turns to judges table angrily) Raphael-sama!

(RAPHAEL smiles and waves)

CHIBI REANNA: I… see… and… Papachariino Nanadan, from "Photon?" Why did you come here?

PAPACHA: (grins sexily) You see… as the future emperor of the universe, I felt obligated to attend.

CHIBI REANNA: And I hear you're the only contender with a cheer squad, is that right?

PAPACHA: (puts his head in his hand) Err… yes… that's right.

(IN THE AUDIENCE, A BUNCH OF POCHI IN CHEERLEADING COSTUMES SHOUT OUT CHEERS TO PAPACHA)

PAPACHA: URUSAI!! (rushes over to the stands and kicks the POCHI across the room)

CHIBI REANNA: (laughs nervously) Our next competitor is Kojiro from "Pocket Monsters." Kojiro-san, why are you here?

KOJIRO: (holds up a rose) Because I'm feeling… "Lucky Lucky."

CHIBI REANNA: Sou desu ka… heh heh… Next is Il Palazzo from "Excel Saga." Il Palazzo, why are you here?

IL PALAZZO: (smiles slyly) You see… it is all an intricate part of my plan to take over the world. However, it would take a mind of diabolical genius such as my own to understand.

CHIBI REANNA: Right! For our final competitor, we have a very special entry: Kao-xe'kale Jallen from Reanna's own "Jigsaw!" Kao-san, why are you here tonight?

KAO: (sweeps his hair over his shoulder) Well… I thought it might be amusing.

CHIBI REANNA: And there you have it! All twelve of our contenders for the position of favorite bishounen! Now, I'll let our eleven judges introduce the eleven events they'll be competing in! (She gestures grandly to the long table of judges)

LINA: Hey, all! I'm Lina Inverse! I'll be judging each of these guys' strength! Not just physical strength, but the strength of their magical power, if they have any!

CHIBI REANNA: And how do you feel about tonight's competitors?

LINA: We have a lot of powerful guys out there, and a lot of not-so-powerful ones. So to avoid being unfair, I'll be judging the characters' powers relative to the powers of the other characters in the series where they come from as well as compared to the other competitors.

MILFA: (smiles sweetly) I'm Milfa, from "Elven Bride." Because I have the most loyal and wonderful husband there is (waves to KENJI in the audience), I'll be judging the loyalty event!

KENJI: (yells out at the stage) YOU'D BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE, PERIO!

CHIBI REANNA: And your analysis of these characters?

MILFA: A few of these characters have great loyalty potential, but most of them don't. Of course, in the end, it all depends on what Reanna herself feels is most important.

CHIBI REANNA: Good point!

UTENA: (stands up on her chair) I'm Utena! Being incredibly good-hearted beyond the reaches of intelligence or wisdom! I'll judge the moral character of each of these guys!

CHIBI REANNA: And what do you think so far?

UTENA: Not a lot of moral character here… I think it'll come down to a goodness showdown between only two or three characters.

MERURU: Hi! I'm Meruru! I'll be judging how cuddly-cute these guys are! Of course, none are as cute as my Van-sama!

CHIBI REANNA: Who is not a competitor here. In the mean time, what do you think of these guys?

MERURU: Not a lot of cuteness here. But enough to make it fun.

NANAKA: I'm Nakatomi Nanaka, and I'll be judging these guys' intelligence and wisdom!

CHIBI REANNA: And…?

NANAKA: I think Reanna is one to go for a high intelligence factor, and some of these guys certainly have one. It's just a matter of who's the smartest.

DAKKI: Hi, I'm Dakki! I'm on hiatus from ruling ancient China to judge these guys' manipulate-ability!

CHIBI REANNA: Which is…?

DAKKI: Their ability to manipulate others through whatever means they can, for whatever purpose. In the end I think this category will be an important one in deciding the ultimate bishounen!

RAPHAEL: I'm Raphael, and I'll be judging how sexy these guys are.

CHIBI REANNA: Wait… you're a guy. Aren't the judges supposed to be female?

RAPHAEL: I'm gay… doesn't that count for something? Anyway… I think most of these guys have a high amount of sex appeal. While it's a very important factor, it alone won't be able to win this contest for any of them.

CHIBI REANNA: Okay, but no playing favorites by choosing Mikaeru right away!

KEYNE: Hi, everyone! Having the most chivalrous husband there is, namely, my wonderful Photon, I'll be judging how chivalrous these guys are. Most of these guys are pretty self-serving, and some of them don't have a chivalrous bone in their body, but I think we still have some competition here.

MUSASHI: I'm Musashi, of the Rocket Dan! Knowing how important it is to keep at a goal, no matter how many times you're defeated, I'll be judging how determined these guys are in their goals.

CHIBI REANNA: And what do you think so far?

MUSASHI: Hmmm… it's going to be a tough competition.

EXCEL: Hey everyone, I'm Excel, here to judge the funniness of these guys, and that means whichever guy is the funniest gets the most points, and of course I'm doing ALL of this to serve Il Palazzo-sama! (salutes) HAIL IL PALAZZO!

CHIBI REANNA: Would you mind calming down for a second to tell us what you think of these guys?

EXCEL: HAIL IL PALAZZO! (gets up on the table and dances)

CHIBI REANNA: (sweatdrops) I believe we have one more judge to go.

ÉMIGRÉ: That's right! I actually came here to see my Kao compete, and ended up being the judge in the evilness event! Being the queen of all the demons in the land of Jigsaw, it's only natural that I be the one to evaluate this virtuous quality! A HA HA HA HA!

CHIBI REANNA: Your Highness, how do you feel about what you've seen so far?

ÉMIGRÉ: Most of these guys are inherently evil, so I think this will undoubtedly be the most heated event in this entire competition. I am quite good at evaluating anyone's potential for evil.

CHIBI REANNA: There you are, ladies and gentlemen, your judges! Now, I'll explain how the contest works: In each of the eleven events, all twelve bishounen will get a chance to demonstrate their talents. The judge of that particular event will give each one a score out of ten, ten being the highest. Whoever has the most points at the end of the contest wins!

(AMBIGUOUSLY EXISTENT AUDIENCE CHEERS)

CHIBI REANNA: Yeah! I'm glad you're so enthusiastic about this! And now, let's begin!

TO BE CONTINUED…

(Well, everyone? Pretty dumb, huh? Still, once I had this idea, I felt that I just had to try it out. This was just the introduction, but each of the next chapters will cover one of the contest's events. No, I'm not sure how this story is going to end.)