He'd felt off all day and it was starting to worry him. Things had been better here, more settled and they'd all fallen into a routine. Some people find routines boring, but Rick has always thrived on them. Maybe it's because he chose such an unpredictable profession for his life's work. More than once routine has helped him to keep from completely losing it. But even with the comfort of being back in a routine, something was wrong. It was more than the always present, low level of discontent he has felt since arriving in Alexandria. No, this morning was different, worse than usual and more...personal somehow.

He didn't get up right away after waking but lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling. He was overwhelmed with an unshakable sense of dread. He heard Carl go into the bathroom and start the shower. Judith was playing in her crib in her room down the hall babbling away to herself. On the surface everything seemed okay, but he knew it wasn't. He thought about what Lori had always told him, "Don't go making up trouble where there isn't any". She'd always said there was enough real trouble in the world without adding to it by being paranoid. She'd also told him to stop living inside his head so much. He still does that, every day. He misses her, especially in the mornings when he can hear the sounds of their children without distraction. The two of them used to love to wake up to the sound of Carl playing in his crib in the mornings. He was always such a happy baby. It's a shame that Lori's not here to share similar experiences with Judith. She's a happy baby too, in spite of the circumstances into which she was born. But she is truly a child being raised by a village. Their village. Rick could have easily stayed in bed and become lost in his memories and melancholy, but he knew that wasn't good for anyone. He pulled himself out of it, got up and headed downstairs for some coffee. He went about his morning as usual and when he was ready he headed to work, dropping Judith off with Carol on his way.

Rick had done this before: woken up and known something was wrong. He was never one to pay much attention to the calendar even before the walkers had taken over and changed life on earth forever. He never saw a reason to delineate between days and really only did so out of necessity. Still, occasionally something like this would happen. For instance, he always knew when it was the anniversary of his father's death based on how the day felt to him. It would only be later when he had to write the date on something that it would be confirmed.

He was 14 when he lost his father. He can still picture the look on his mother's face when they came to the door to tell her he'd been shot. She'd made a peach cobbler that morning and the rich smell filled the house. When she answered the door that sunny afternoon the chief of police was standing on the step. He had never been to their home before and as soon as she saw him she knew that her husband was gone. Rick remembers her breaking down: the crying, the inability to hold herself up as she leaned against him, holding onto him so tightly he thought she might never let go. Six months after that she moved them out of the city. He'd been pretty angry at the time but she wouldn't listen to his protests, said it was too dangerous for them to stay there. He hadn't had a choice at the time. Every year after that he would wake up on the anniversary of his father's death and instinctively know what day it was. It was on that day two years later that he made the decision to go into law enforcement.

The subconscious mind is very powerful indeed.

He eventually forgave his mother for moving them away from everything he had known as a child. It wasn't until the first time he held Carl in his arms that he understood more fully the sacrifices she had made for him: the sacrifices that he in turn would make to keep his child safe. Only now he had two to keep track of and the stakes were much, much higher.

Lori made sacrifices for their children. She made the ultimate sacrifice. Rick eventually asked Maggie what happened at the end. Lori knew the life of the baby was in danger and she begged Maggie to save it. She asked Carl to take care of his daddy and his little brother or sister. Maggie assured Rick that Lori did what she knew in her heart was right. The knowledge of her final moments haunted him, serving as a reminder of the mistakes he had made and how cruel he had been to her after they left the farm. He'd seemed willing to forgive everyone their sins except the one person who needed and deserved his forgiveness the most.

It wasn't supposed to happen that way. There was supposed to be time to make things right. He never stopped loving her. There just wasn't room for it inside himself. He had tried, really he had, several times. It's just that when he would look into her eyes, he felt weak and confused. He couldn't afford that kind of distraction. He had to be able to stay strong in order to keep his family and everyone else alive.

When he lost Lori he disappeared inside himself, to the dark places he hadn't visited since his father's death. He was in shock. He's not really sure how long it was before he held his newborn daughter. Hell, he hardly even looked at her the first few days. He felt inadequate. How could he keep a baby safe when he hadn't been able to keep his wife, a grown woman safe. He wasn't able come out of himself long enough to even provide for his daughter's most basic needs. Maggie and Glenn had been the ones to go in search of formula and almost lost their lives in the process. Herschel and Beth and everyone else made sure she was loved and comforted. Even Daryl offered her affection. Other people were willing and able to sacrifice for his child while he was not. His infant daughter was cared for by everyone else but him. He did eventually come around. But at times his responsibility to the group as a whole still superseded his responsibility to his youngest child.

It was only when he learned that Daryl had started calling the baby Lil' Ass Kicker that he listened to Carl about giving her a real name. Rick deferred the entire decision to him. He couldn't name her himself. He needed Lori's input but he didn't have it. He hadn't been willing to discuss it with her during the pregnancy and then when he was finally ready, the chance to was gone. It was right for Carl to be the one. He was the one who was there during her birth and...

He should have realized it sooner. Judith has been pulling up for a while and just last week started taking some steps on her own. She has four teeth and has been grabbing for real food. She would soon be a full fledged toddler. He now understood why he had woken up feeling like he did this morning. It was today: the day Judith entered this world a partial orphan. How could such a light enter his life at the exact moment one burned out. It didn't seem fair.

Now that he knew, Rick didn't want to wait until his shift was over to see her. He made his way to Carol's house and knocked on the screen door, "Hey Carol, it's me."

"We're in the living room, Rick."

He smiled when he walked in to find Judith cruising along the edge of the sofa with a soggy homemade cookie in her hand. He swept her up into his arms and kissed her on the head, "Happy birthday, Sweetheart!"


This is my first TWD fic. I'm involved in another fandom and have only recently been lurking here after devouring ;) all 4 seasons of TWD very quickly. I have started re-watching from the beginning while I wait for season 5 to make it to Netflix. I like to explore thoughts, motivations and back stories and these interpretations are my own, though the characters are not. Hats off to Robert Kirkman, Frank Daramont and the other wonderful minds behind TWD. Thanks to them for bringing such vibrant characters to life and thank you for reading!