Okay.

Freeze.

Let's examine the picture we have here.

A young hot blond, wearing an outfit meant for a club, certainly not for here, sits next to a man a decent amount older than her with a receding hairline, adorable dimples, and a bloody nose. He is smiling at the group of people who just ran in. The young hot blond looks shocked.

That hoard of people who just stampeded into the ER waiting room heading right for the odd couple? One very pregnant blond woman. One taller man next to her. One young chubby asian boy. One mixed race four year old in pajamas. One youngish girl texting on her phone, a boy with braces and a Game of Thrones shirt looking her same age standing next to her. A teenage girl flinging her arms about to fling herself into the dimpled older man's arms. Just entering the doors is a tall woman in a classy suit looking frazzled.

Before we go unfreeze and see how this plays out, I'm the young hot blond. And the man with the bloody nose? That would be my one night stand.

Unfreeze.

"Heeeyy, you guys! What are you doing here?" He directs this at the pregnant woman who begins to move her hands quickly. The tall man next to her watches and starts speaking.

"As you know, Hogan was babysitting for us and she texted us that you were in the hospital so we raced back home and grabbed the kids to come here." And all of a sudden all at once everyone is talking. And the tall lady finally caught up to the group and doesn't look even a little overwhelmed.

"Joshua! What happened!?" Tall lady.

"Daddy look at my spider pants." Small boy.

"Oh my god, are you bleeding on me?" Teenage girl.

"Blood!? Oh no. I feel a little queasy." Boy with braces.

"Hey- everybody, I'm fine. Just a little accident." One night st- I mean, Josh.

"Can we go now?" Girl on phone.

"Seriously, I feel green." Boy with braces. Again.

"Dad dad dad dad dad daaaad." Big boy.

All of this is happening at once and that's just what I manage to pick up on. I start to register the fact that THESE ARE HIS CHILDREN. And one of these women might be his wife. Oh my god. I am so screwed. The noise level is reaching levels I didn't think was possible. And then with one shrill whistle everyone stopped and turned to our left.

To our left stood a woman with short dark hair, in a white coat and holding a clipboard. Looking very stern and intimidating.

"You idiot. What did you do this time?" Doctor Lady says. Josh groans loudly. "Oh, shut up." She takes his face and appears to be examining him. "Well it's definitely broken."

"Mandy…" Josh whined.

"Really, Josh. What'd you do?" Apparently her name is Mandy.

"Yeah, how did this happen?" Tall lady adds.

"Uhh…" Josh looks over at me. And I feel my face get red. And everyone is looking at me. Oh god.

"Who is this?" Mandy asks Josh. As if I'm not, you know, right in front of her.

"This is Donna. Donna, these are my kids… and my ex wives." He's cringing.

And there must be something fucked up with me because I'm relieved that he says ex wives. Instead of, you know, being mortified that I just had really good sex that ended in being injured with this three-times divorced dad of five kids (and that's just the ones I know about right now!). And speaking of that amazing sex that led to a bloody nose…

"So what happened?" The tall man asks.

"Oh, uh…"

"I fell over while drunkenly singing karaoke and hit him with the microphone on accident." I am really very good at lying. He looks at me with surprise then smiles.

"Oh, great story. Let's fix this." Mandy says, putting her hands by Josh's nose. "Okay, kids look away." SNAP. The kids didn't look away. Not that she'd given them much time to do so.

"EUUHHHGGGhh. Madeline!" Josh groans in pain. I give him a sympathetic smile and oddly enough it seems to help. He has very nice eyes. I'm able to drown out the cacophony of noise that was his family that had started back up again by looking into those eyes.

"Hey… do you wanna get a cup of coffee sometime?"

I should have ran. But he was cute and funny and good in bed and kind and looked like he loved his kids a lot and he was challenging and interesting and witty. Also did I mention the sex? It was really good. So I nodded.

"Great, I'm free Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend." We're both grinning like idiots.

Let's just revisit the how we got here.

Rewind.

Play.

"I am so tired of men!" My best friend, Ginger, exclaims.

"Same! Let's toast to crushing men!" I exclaim.

It's a Thursday night at 8:30pm and we're currently in a bar getting hammered as per break up tradition. I'd just been dumped by a man named Todd who works in insurance. He wasn't even interesting! Why did I date him? Ugh. Ginger and her on-again, off-again boyfriend had broken up two weeks ago. We went out then too but it wasn't in the true spirit of the tradition as I couldn't pick up a man for the night because I was dating stupid.

"UUUUgh. They're the worst. They only care about themselves." I complain.

"And forget finding the clitoris." Ginger adds.

"But blowjobs! Those are necessary to a good relationship! It's fine! We can just get ourselves off in the bathtub after I manage to crawl out from under them because they finished and fell asleep!" I pipe in, ignoring the look from the bartender clearly wanting me to keep it down.

"Sounds like you've met shitty men." My neck snaps over to the man drinking two seats down.

"Excuse me?" I slur a little bit, glaring at him. He smiles. OH! Dimples! Yay! My drunk brain likes his dimples.

"Nothin'- just overheard you cursing all mankind, which by all means, go for. But I think you've met some poor representatives." He is smirking.

"Oh, yeah? What would you be, dimples? The good representative?" I stare him down.

"Well, I am a democrat."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"The men you're describing.. They sound like republicans." Oh, he is very arrogant. And I haven't decided whether it's a turn on or a reason to splash my drink in his face. It doesn't help that I remember that the past three men I've slept with/dated have indeed been republicans.

"So you're saying that because you're a democrat you're a better lay." I laugh at him.

"Well… among other reasons, sure." Okay. It's a turn on. The look he's giving me is steamy but I haven't seen him ogle my body the way the other men would have. He was looking me in the eyes. He seemed amused but he also seemed… hot. He's older than me for sure- but it's not like I've not been down that road before.

"Well, I'll guess we'll never know." I smile at him. I do see the second of hesitation and uncertainty about whether I've just rejected him. But I don't turn away. I can hear Ginger flirting with the bartender so I'm not worried about her. He moves in closer when he picks up on the fact that I haven't taken my eyes off of him.

"Eh. We could. We would wait til you sober up. Then I'd take you to my place. And you'll forget about those republican gomers and I can guarantee you'd be the one to fall asleep after you've… finished, many, many times." He was whispering in my ear by this time. I don't know the last time I've been this turned on. It's not just what he's saying. It's his tone. It's the way he's positioned, protecting me and caging me in at the same time. I normally would have found it disquieting. But this, this is different.

"Why wait?" I say in my most sultry voice. I can see the lust race through his body. At least I'm not the only one affected.

"Because I'm not that kind of guy." He whispers. Ah. Consent is sexy.

"I'll take a coffee." I tell the bartender. He's too occupied with Ginger though. Which is good because I'm pretty sure this bar doesn't sell coffee.

Dimples and I ended up at the McDonalds across the street. I got a coffee and chicken nuggets and a McFlurry to dip those nuggets in. I'm drunk. It's fine. Josh got a small fry. I have now stolen most of them. I am surprised at the fun we're having even as I sober up. In the parking lot, he convinces me to do some of those intoxication tests- like walk in a straight line and do the alphabet backwards. It also ended up being fun. I don't know why. His presence just made me smile. That and his quips. The less fuzzy my brain became the better our verbal sparring became and it was the oddest foreplay I've ever done.

An hour later, I'm in his bed. He's lazily stroking my back as I calm down from the orgasm I just had. He had only finished once- at the beginning of our encounter. After disposing the condom, he bounced back into the room and led me to three more orgasms. I could feel he was hard again. I had offered to go down on him but he refused, citing my earlier complaints at the bar about mankind. So he led me to the brink twice more.

"You…" I'm still panting a bit. "You were right." I whisper as sexy as I can. I feel his response in addition to seeing his eyes perk up. Those are three words he seems to like… a lot.

"About what?" He kisses me. When he pulls back, I feel a little dazed. He raises his eyebrow.

"Oh, uh. The democrat thing. You are a better lay." I tell him honestly and pretty much not in the sexy way I had intended to say it originally. However, that doesn't seem to bother him because he's moved down my body between my legs again, attaching his tongue to my sex.

An orgasm later, he's inside me, from behind. And here's where our really good sex turns… dangerous. It may have been my fault. I was on my hands and knees, staring at the headboard.

"Harder. More. Harder." I'm moaning at him. He seems to like a challenge. And he followed my commands. Unfortunately (or fortunately in the moment at least) I was starting to orgasm again and did not have as good of a purchase on holding myself up. And wham-my head went into headboard.

"Oh!" I exclaimed. It hurt. Not terribly. But Josh was immediately very concerned and leaned over to make sure I was okay, pulling out. However, I did not realize where he was in time and picked my head up swiftly right smack into his nose.

From there, we both were apologizing trying to find clothes. He was bleeding quite a bit. And I had a tiny little cut on my forehead which he seemed very concerned over. Insisting on going to the hospital. Which in turn I threw back at him.

Which explains why I had been sitting in the ER waiting room with a man who had made me orgasm nearing double digits, watching him hug and reassure his huge family. Very obviously not wearing a bra.

Character guide:

Josh: dad of five kids

Donna: young hot new girlfriend

CJ: wife #1 (i know i know, all will be explained tho it'll make sense)

Mandy: wife #2

Joey: wife #3

Kenny: Joey's husband (#2) & interpreter

Amy: almost wife #3 (failed engagement)(not in this scene of course)

Hogan: CJ+Josh's only child, 17

Warren & Hillary: Mandy+Josh's twins, 13

Bert: Joey+Josh's adopted son, 8

Peter: Joey+Josh's adopted son, 5