Summary: Ejiun needs advice. Haruichi tries to help.
Rating: PG-13ish
Obligatory Disclaimer: Terajima would be ashamed if he knew.
A/N: Ehehehehe, so. There was a tumblr post floating around that inspired this, and to me it screamed Eijun. So then this happened. *quietly posts fic, then leaves fandom until embarrassment is gone*
#
"Harucchiiiiiiiii," Eijun moaned from across the room, "Help me!"
Haruichi didn't look up from his essay. "I'm doing homework, Eijun."
"B-but I need your advice!"
Haruichi glanced at his roommate's bed, where Eijun had plopped himself some twenty minutes earlier, face red as he stared intently at his phone. He'd met Haruichi's gaze, buried his face in his arms, and been restlessly muttering to himself ever since.
Haruichi'd known it was only a matter of time.
"This is a really important paper…" he hedged.
"It's okay if you don't wanna," Eijun muttered. A fierce scowl pulled at his lips. He fidgeted with his phone, picking it up and then dropping it again. "…Stupid Miyuki."
Ahh, maybe Ryousuke was right, and Haruichi did baby Eijun too much, but it felt wrong to ignore him when he looked so upset.
"Okay. But please make it quick, Eijun. What is it?"
Eijun's head jerked up, as if he'd just been waiting for Haruichi to ask, and then he leapt off the bed and threw his arms up in the air. "Miyuki wants to have phone sex!"
Haruichi's cheeks burned. "E-Eijun!" Don't just shout things like that!
"What the hell is wrong with him?!" Eijun shouted, whipping his hand around and pointing it at his phone accusingly. "I mean, it's super perverted! Right Harucchi?!"
Haruichi tried and failed to keep his voice diplomatic. "W-well, you don't see each other very often, Eijun…" Eijun's beseeching gaze locked onto him, and he cleared his throat. "I-Isn't it understandable if Miyuki-senpai wants to try that…?"
"EH?! You mean — have you done it before?!"
"Lots of couples do it! Especially when your partner lives away from you," said Haruichi, flushing.
Eijun flapped his arms. "B-but…! Isn't it painful?!"
"Painful?"
Eijun's face became obscenely red, and his voice wavered dangerously from a whisper to a bellow. "The PHONE part!"
"…I don't understand, Eijun."
"W-well—! Maybe it's different for you!"
"I don't think it should be painful no matter who's involved…" Haruichi frowned. "If you don't want to do it, shouldn't you just discuss it with Miyuki-senpai?"
"THE PHONE ISN'T GOING TO FIT UP MY ASS NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS!" Eijun shouted. "I TRIED IT AND IT DIDN'T WORK!"
"OH MY GOD, EIJUN!" Haruichi shrieked. "THAT'S NOT HOW YOU HAVE PHONE SEX!"
For a long moment there was silence, so absolute that Haruichi was fairly certain even his neighbors in the adjacent dorms had gone totally still.
Haruichi realized he was clutching his chair so hard his fingers hurt. Eijun appeared to be paralyzed. He glanced at Eijun's cell phone. It was slim, but square-shaped, and much too large to… There's no way it could possibly…
"Eijun…" he whispered, filled with terror.
"Oh," Eijun muttered. A flush, darker than Haruichi had ever seen, was quickly covering his whole face. "Uh — I gotta go call Miyuki! Don't — don't tell anyone about this, 'kay?"
"O-of course."
Eijun grabbed his phone and fled. Haruichi slumped back in his chair. The door, which he'd propped open earlier to let in the spring air, suddenly seemed too welcoming. Who knew who else would come in, and what sort of topics they'd want to discuss?
"…I really didn't want to know that," said a sullen voice from Haruichi's bed. Sleepy eyes followed Eijun's form as he paced outside the dorm room, screaming into his phone. ("YOU PURPOSEFULLY MISLEAD ME, YOU ASSHOLE! I'LL KILL YOU!")
"Neither did I, Satoru," Haruichi said numbly. "Neither did I."
#
The End
(GOOD BYE)
