Disclaimer: I do not own Rent. Although owning Mark and Roger wouldn't bother me.

Dear Everyone,

I am sorry for everything I have ever done to all of you. Now I know I must leave for good. I don't belong here with you all anymore. You guys need someone better than me now. I have no clue where I am going or what I will do when I get there, but I know I will always keep you guys close to my heart. I decided with this note I will explain to you why I have done everything I have done. A lot of my reasons may not make sense to you, but please try to understand and not hate me.

I wasn't always the slut people think I am. I had never planned to cheat on Mark. I loved him way to much. I still do. I remember when I worked at the Life when I would walk home there was a wedding gown shop. I would always gaze in and do a little mental shopping in case Mark ever popped the question. I would picture our wedding on some beautiful garden filled with daises under the moonlight. Sure it is a little unreal that would happen, but it's nice to dream. I really do love you Mark. I am sorry for all I did. I had always promised myself I would never cheat on anyone since I knew firsthand how it felt when I walked in on Roger and April. Of course I forgave them because April is my best friend and well Roger is Roger. That is when my insecurities I tried so hard to confine caught up with me. Then Mark came along to move in with us. I saw him and wanted him to so badly. I never expected him to ask me out. When I was with him I had that attention that made me feel like I was the most wonderful thing to walk the planet. Then, April died and Roger was going through withdrawl. I no longer had a best friend or the attention that I needed to feel okay. So then I would just go out drinking and find somone who would give that attention to me. At the time the attention felt great. Until I relized something about the sex, it would never be the same as me and Mark. Mark would be gentle and loving and passionate while the cheating never had anything similar to that. It was only lust filled. Cheating on him is one of my biggest regrets. He deserved so much more than that. I was so selfish and I guess I still am. Mark was always so willing to help and Roger was his bestfriend. I'm sorry Mark.

I had never meant to be so rude to Roger while he was in withdrawl, but I envied him so much at the time. He had Mark's attention. I needed that attention and I know now that he did to. His girlfriend just killed herself and he found out he was HIV+. I just had so much anger towards him. At the time I blamed him for who I became. I thought him cheating on me was what activated all my insecurities that had me cheating on Mark. Somehow I knew it reall wasn't him, but myself. I always had those insecurities within, but being cheated on made them more alive in a way. Now Roger don't think I am blaming you. I don't blame you I blame myself for being so stupid. I'm so sorry Roger.

Collins you are like a brother to me. Always there no matter what mean things I said when you would try to comfort me. That night I crossed the line. I will atleast give you the respect of telling you what happened. This is the night everyone assumes I first cheated on Mark. I did not cheat that night. I was raped by some creep. No one knows this except you all now and this is the first time I have let myself admit. Everyone should know what I said to Collins while he was trying to comfort me so you can see what a real bitch I am. I told him to get his gay ass out of my face and go to hell. I never before had used Collins being gay as an insult and I knew it had hurt him, but he forgave me anyways. I'm sorry Collins.

Benny I cannot say we still have much of a friendship anymore, but I am sorry for not accepting Allison. You still tried to be our friend, but I am the one who started the whole you selling out thing. I was jealous. It was horrible and it is my fault you are not still as much as family as you used to be. Guys please except Benny back into your family. He is a good person. I'm sorry Benny.

Joanne I owe you the biggest apology. No, I never cheated on you. What I did was worse. I used you for the constant attention. As said above I am still hopelessly devoted to the filmmaker. I never actually flirted because I wanted to. I wanted you to be angry so you would give me all your attention. Plus, you did look pretty damn hot when you were angry. I know it was extremely unfair of me, but I know deep down you don't love me. Your heart belongs to her. I was looking through the closet and I found some old stuff. I know she came to find you. Joanne don't let Julie slip away again. You love her and she loves you. No day but today right? I'm so sorry Joanne.

Mimi, I have not had the chance to do something horrible to you yet, but I know if I stay I would. If Angel hadn't died the same would go for her. Mimi honey get clean. Roger and Mark will be there. Even Collins will be there. You need to get clean and stay healthy. You and Roger deserve some happiness.

I love you all very much and it hurts me to write this. Please, don't dwell on me leaving. I want you all to be happy. Best wishes to you all.

Lots of love,

Maureen Johnson