As I look up into the beautiful green meadow I allow myself to smile. This is the only happy place, the only beautiful place left in his broken down, desolate district. Apart from the woods, but I haven't brought myself to go back into my safe haven since I got back. Too many memories that could be brought up from venturing into the dark green land that somehow now seems unfamiliar to me without my hunting partner Gale. The war destroyed everything. Even thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes. The thousands of lives lost, all because of me. All because of one handful of berries. As I stare into the forest I see a cluster of them now. The round, dark, purple, fruit that tore my life apart.
I think of the friends and family I lost. Finnick, Cinna, Rue, Mags, Wiress, Madge and her family and most of my team who helped invade the Capitol. But the only death I can't get over. The only loss I'm crippled by, is that of my sister. Prim. The scene of her death haunts me every night. How her lips formed my name just as she realises it's all going to be ok. I'm coming to save her. Then the parachute goes off and my beautiful, kind sister goes up in flames. Tongues of fire leap up scarring her sweet face and leaving her dead.
The only thing I have to live for now is Peeta. I can't leave him alone to suffer like I do. He is so good, so pure. He didn't deserve to be punished in such a way that his life was destroyed. He still isn't the same Peeta, that fell in love with me. But there are moments sometimes where I think I can see the old him, a reminder of that day we spent on the training centre roof. Or those days before the Quell announcement. Or those nights on the train. We help each other. We play the real or not real game. It feels good to be near Peeta again. To hear his laugh or to watch him bake. He invited me over to his house a few days ago to show me his paintings and just like that night on the train before the Quell, I was disgusted. He had painted the war, just like he had the games. The lizard mutts creeping along the sewer, gaping mouths and pointed claws dripping with blood. The rubble flying everywhere as the shining, razor sharp teeth of the meat grinder activate. Women and children lying dead in the streets of the bombed districts. They were horrible and just like before, I hated them but the way they had been painted was definitely something to be admired. It was so amazing see, the way he had to captured a moment just by using paint and his own memory.
I got up and walked back to my house in Victors Village. The only place I could call 'home' after the war because my family's old shack in the seam had been destroyed in the bombing of twelve. Peeta was waiting at the door for me with a fresh batch of cheese buns.
"You been out in the meadow again?" he asks, as he hands me them.
"Yeah, just to think. Thanks for these, I was just about to run out." I say gratefully.
"It's no problem" he says with a smile. "It keeps me distracted from…well you know."
He was right. I did know. The way that two trips to the games and being in a war never left you. Even the simplest of things can remind you of a life you took or a life lost.
"Would you like to come in?" I ask. Being around Peeta makes me happy and I could use a cheering up after reminiscing all day long. He accepts my offer and I boil some water to make coffee while Peeta sits down.
"I was at Haymitch's house this morning and he showed me a few videos from our first Hunger Games and the Quell, and I wanted to ask you some questions?" he says cautiously.
I agree reluctantly. I knew this conversation would come one day and I can't say I was looking forward to it.
"Ok" he thinks for a second. "During the first games you pretended to like me just so we could get food. Real or not real?"
"Real." I say reluctantly. Seeing the shock register on his face I try to explain myself. "We were starving and we were going to die if we didn't get food soon and you were so weak, so sick. I knew there was only one way to get food so I created a moment between us to get sponsors" he looks down, staring at the floor. "But I never did it to hurt you, I promise." We sit in silence, me ashamed for being such a horrible person and I guess he was just as disgusted with me as I was with myself. Then Peeta erupts.
"YOU'RE A MUTT! YOU NEVER LOVED ME! IT WAS ALL FOR THE GAMES! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!" he shouts while backing away from me with a terrified look on his face. Then he whispers "You're going to kill me, aren't you? Just like you killed my family. Just liked you killed all my friends."
"No Peeta! I would never try to hurt you! Not ever! I didn't kill your family and friends! The Capitol did! This is the venom talking! They hijacked you Peeta! Snow hijacked you! Don't you see? I would never try to kill you!" I try to calm him down but it doesn't seem to be working.
I walk to towards him. He stands with his back to the wall, paralysed with fear. I step closer to him, enough to feel his sharp, quick breaths on my cheek. I reach up and stroke his face, looking in to his beautiful azure blue eyes, he turns away. Then returns my gaze, just as he slaps me across the face. Pushing me away from him, sending me flying back onto the couch. He runs from the room.
All I can think is; it's all my fault, I'm the reason they hijacked him. I wish I was dead. I wish he was dead because I'd rather that than have Peeta hate me and be hurting himself.
