I am in pain.

There is nothing I can do.

As I write this it becomes clear.

The days have come when it is inevitable.

There is no way out.

I have no other choice.

I wish there was another way.

But I know there is not.

This may seem strange. But it is hard to explain. I have been faced with a choice that no one can understand. Not even I. Professor Dumbledore has known not what is coming. The centaurs gave me my best insight to the matter. Firenze has been a great help.

Miraculously, it seems Professor Trewlawny has been a curse and a blessing in one. She made the prophecy that said I will be killed or must kill. Voldemort's supporter heard part of it, yet Dumbledore was able to make protections to guard me.

The choice is simple. To kill, or let countless killings occur. I cannot let Voldemort go on with this madness. I have learned so much while at school. But there are three things they cannot, will not, teach us.

They are the Unforgivable Curses. The Imperius Curse is the least of my problems. And unfortunately can give me the least help. I can fight it easily, but my fear is that Voldemort can as well.

Next is the Cruciatus Curse. I'm not sure I will be able to make it work, though if I tried, if I willed it enough, remembered why I wanted him to scream, I may be able to force Voldemort to his knees, like he has made me do himself.

The third, and most unforgivable is the Killing Curse. This is the one I need. This is my weapon. Dumbledore has never needed this curse, but knows how it is used. He is my teacher now.

It was impossible before, when I didn't know Voldemort was using me. When I would get surges of anger and hate at the sight of him. When I didn't know what was happening.

I have finally mastered Occlumency. The next step is being able to use it.

Avada Kedavra is a very difficult curse. Harder than any other I have know. I keep reviewing them in my head, over and over. Just so I know them when the time comes. When I will need all of them. But the one I need, the one that is inevitable, is the hardest of them all to learn.

The only people who can use it properly need to have a joy of killing. A madness I will never know. I know I must kill, but I wish it were not so! This infuriates me, not having a choice!

We practice on spiders. I do not think this works very well. I have no reason to kill spiders. Every time I look at one I think of Aragog, whose only instinct was to kill humans. Who could not deny his children a meal. And I realize, no one should die. Not even random insects.

I wish there was a spell Dumbledore has to give something a seeming life that can be destroyed by only a correct killing curse. But there is not. Hermione has searched fruitlessly in books for such a spell. Her attempts have been made in vain.

I wish I have not cost her so much sleep over it. But she does not rest unless she falls asleep. I have tried to get her to stop, or at least slow down enough to rest. I would not like the fault of killing her as well, but from afar and not physically. I fear this will kill her of stress.

She finds rare books from all over the world, from the universe, and Dumbledore willingly pays for them in hopes they should provide something useful. Ron seems to think the answer will be in a simple book, one that no one bothers to read.

But the prospect of killing is still black.