Disclaimer: I do not own Glee.

A/N:

Azure, one of the most beautifully inspiring colors I know. Hence the name of this story, and the dedication to someone who spends me inspiration and hope when there seems to be no color at all to be found anywhere in my world.

For you, Addie117.

Love Always, M


Azure


Chapter One: Feelings darker than blue


"I'm a mess. I'm such a mess right now." Then there are only sobs, drowning out all of Kurt's voice.

Blaine keeps trying though, "Shh. It's okay. It's okay. I love you, I love you so much, Kurt. Please, please don't try to hurt yourself ever again."

It takes minutes until Kurt, on the other end of the phone line, finds it in himself to bring out more than the tearing, desperate noises Blaine is not sure how much longer he will be able to take.

"Every time there is a newspaper article, or a report on the television about another bashing of some kid, I…I just can't take the fear anymore. That people can be like that, sometimes is enough…"

"…not to want to be anymore, because there is never a complete getting away from it. I know, Love, I know," Blaine tries to comfort, tears shed and so many more unshed pressing heavy on Blaine's vocal chords. So heavy even Kurt in his state notices still.

"I made you cry, Blaine. Love, I am so sorry, I didn't mean to," Kurt replies still sobbing deeply himself. The sounds reaching Blaine painfully clear over the speaker phone in Burt's car.

"No. NO, Kurt. Don't think that. Don't ever think that. It's the others."

"But…"

"Kurt, you are the most amazing, compassionate person I know, and knowing that someone like you exists…makes it all worth withstanding. You are, your love is the reason I can go on. So if you started hurting yourself again, I just, I couldn't…please don't do it. PLEASE. I love you so much. You don't need to be different. You don't need to change. I love YOU. You must know that."

"I know, I do. But when you are not with me, things start piling up again in my head, so fast sometimes, and I feel that hole where you are, so strong, every time. I don't know how to fix that. There is nothing that can replace you. I will never stop missing you."

"Kurt. Remember how I spend almost all my time at your family's house? How I have done that ever since we first found each other."

"Yes," Kurt chokes out with another heart wrenching sob.

"As soon as we found each other, I never wanted to leave your side ever again. And I do that too, almost choke on my own breath, logged in my throat, every time I see a news report that talks about a victim that about fits your description in age and height, things as simple as that. And in that moment it does not matter if we spoke only an hour ago. I still panic. I understand that your dad called me, I am so glad he did. I am grateful he came to pick me up. I wish you had called me. Last month, on the fourth, I know I managed to sound calm, but that was one of my panic calls to you. I just wish we had talked about this before, so Burt would not have had to find you in your room, with a knife, trying to reopen that scar."

"I needed…"

"I know, Love. Kurt, I know. Please pick up the phone next time."

"I was afraid of it being dead. You, being dead."

Blaine and Kurt talk for some more minutes before, only a couple of streets from the Hummels' house away they say their 'I love yous' and 'see you in a minute'.

Burt, driving, has heard the whole conversation. Blaine's hand had been shaking too much to hold the phone, after Burt had told him what had happened only hours earlier, so they had put the call on speaker.

Carole is currently home with Kurt, has probably spend the whole afternoon holding a crying Kurt in her arms, under a warm blanket, on the living room couch, "I did not know he was still hurting so so much. He really needs to get out of here, doesn't he? To ever completely even so much as want to stop hurting himself, he needs to get out."

"I'm not sure. What I know is, the self-harm, it is not a question of wanting," Blaine says still wiping away his own tears, "He never wanted to hurt himself. He did it in the first place to try and make all the other pain stop. And for so long it was the only thing he had, he sometimes still forgets that there are…that he has other options now than pushing it down, distracting himself from one pain by creating another."

"You two really understand each other."

"I cannot remember it ever having been different."

When they turn into the driveway Kurt is already there, throwing the door wide open and himself in Blaine's arms before Blaine can so much as unbuckle his seatbelt. Not that Blaine cares about a seatbelt right now, a shaking Kurt in his arms.

Kurt curls up in Blaine's lap, burying his face in Blaine's chest, breathing shaky but deep.

Fresh tears come before words. "I thought it was you. Oh gosh, I thought it was you, dead."

"I'm right here. Right here."

Kurt places a kiss, lips wet and rough from all the tears, in the crook of Blaine's neck.

"I'm not going anywhere. I asked your dad already, I can stay, I can hold you all night tonight."

And he does hold Kurt, and they hold each other, and not just that night.


Addie117, thank you for holding me. Not just tonight.