And that's when it hit me. I was not jealous of him being with Bella. I was jealous of Bella being with him. It didn't matter anymore to me what I thought of Bella although I still like her as a friend. I wanted him. The only thing is that what I am asking cannot happen. He is a vampire. He is someone that I cannot touch, someone I cannot have in any kind of way. It will be a betrayal of my pack. A betrayal to my family, and even though it hurt to say a betrayal to Bella. The fact that I suddenly think her boyfriend from a disgusting blood drinking leech became the most graceful creature that walked this Earth. This will be too much for everyone. Even if I want to, it doesn't mean that he does as well. The way he looks at Bella. God! I wish he could look at me like that. But what do I get? A sneer and a stare full of hatred and disgust, or just a blank stare indicating to me that he can't be bothered with me. He doesn't care. I don't know which hurts the most. Maybe it's the second one. At least then I know that he at least pays a bit of attention to me, even if it is not the attention I want. I am good a covering my thoughts when around him. I just switch the names from Edward to Bella and from he to a she. I don't think he will ever realize that it is not Bella that I want, but him. It's ok though, at least I can still dream that maybe if he knew he could love me. In my dreams I lay in his arms and I am in heaven. There is no Bella, no vampires, no werewolf's. It's just me and him, and the rest of the world seems to fate. And then I wake up. And with that I realize that it is just another dream and if there were anymore tears in me to cry I would. But I can't. And at their wedding I just stand there doing nothing. And I watch him bond with my best friend and all I can think of is that he is glowing with happiness and at least he is happy and that's al that matters to me. Even though I try to hate him, I can't. Because he is my imprint and because he is the only man I can love. And as I watch him slip from my fingers I can't help but be happy that he is happy. And when Bella is in danger of loosing her life because of the baby, I can't help but be mad at her because she is hurting him. I can't help by yelling at her just because I can't see him in so much anguish. And it takes all of my heart's strength to say to him that if something goes wrong I would kill him, praying that Bella will make it so that I won't have to do what I promised.
