Author's Note: You know that feeling when you really wanted something to end, but you loved the journey it took? Well, school just ended for me and I hated it, but I loved seeing my friends having fun. Set sometime between Admiral Janeway's arrival and the end of Endgame.
Disclaimer: I don't own Voyager, sadly.
Kathryn Janeway was sitting in her quarters, staring into the vast expanse of the Delta Quadrant, a PADD displaying all the star charts Voyager had collected in one hand, a steaming mug of coffee in the other.
Thinking.
The door chimed, and Kathryn turned, surprised. She had forgotten about her dinner date with Chakotay.
"Come in." She called, hoping he would understand. Lately, as the ship got closer to Earth, home, she had begun to remember some of the happy times and succeses they had had on Voyager. Meeting Kes and Neelix. Becoming a Starfleet crew. Defeating Borg on countless occasions. Kes's birthday. Tom and B'Elanna's wedding.
"Forget something?" Chakotay asked, chuckling, his dimples showing.
Kathryn sighed, staring out at the stars.
"I was just thinking, Chakotay. About how we're so close to home, and that's amazing. Seventy thousand light years in seven years. But is it wrong to feel sad, like we're missing so many things that could have happened on Voyager if Admiral Janeway hadn't shown up?" Chakotay thought for a moment, then came to sit next to her.
"Kathyrn, I know that you know some things that would happen to us if we stayed in the Delta Quadrant, but also some bad." He said, and followed her gaze to a nearby star cluster.
"I know. But I have the mind of a scientist, and an explorer. So many things to discover, and I guess I'm also being selfish. After all, if we get home, there will be good things waiting for mostly everybody. Tom and B'Elanna can raise their child on Earth, Harry can go back to his parents, and the crew can relax for once." She sighed, and met Chakotay's eyes.
"And what about you, Kathryn? What will you do?" Chakotay asked, searching her face. Kathryn shrugged.
"That's the problem. I don't know. I thought my future was with Mark, until… And that's the thing. There really is no Kathryn Janeway. It's just Captain Kathryn Janeway, Starfleet uniform and all." There was silence for a moment, until Chakotay spoke.
"Well, I think there is a Kathryn Janeway. I saw her on New Earth, and in Fair Haven. But I think you hide her away, and that's killing you, Kathryn. Let go. Let someone else do the hard work. And I know you can't. But we have a crew, it's not a single person starship. And you have me. Always."
Kathryn's eyes filled with emotions, which she quickly hid.
"I have a bridge shift in fifteen minutes. I think it's best if you go."
Her face was soon replaced with her Captain's mask, full of authority and showing no emotion. Chakotay got up and silently walked out.
Kathryn's heart broke when he left. There was no way to have a lover, or even a very close friend under these circumstances.
She couldn't risk hurting someone like that. Starfleet was dangerous. She had learned that the hard way when her father and Jason had died. She would not put someone through what they had put her through.
"Chakotay…"
She said, but he was gone.
The next day, she passed Chakotay walking arm in arm with Seven Of Nine. Command mask on, all traces of Kathryn Janeway disappeared.
For seven years she had lived like this. She could survive with nothing more then longing glances and saddened thoughts.
