one of my previous fics, "Let Go"; another look at Haruka
Rated G
There's so much that I can see
So much that I can feel
I can see it all
I can feel it all
Everything's so clear
But it disappears before I know
Before I understand
And then I'm left with just your fading voice
Whispering to me
Remember
Remember
I try
I try so hard
I try so hard that it hurts
It hurts so much
It hurts all the time
You're there -
But you're not
You're here -
But you're not
You're gone
But I'm not
So tell me
What am I supposed to do?
- Memories -
Written by Ducky
There was a time when I was happy.
She stared out through the window, at the couples walking,
laughing, the children tugging on their parents' hands.
look at this, haru-chan
it's so pretty!
it's yours
wow!
thank you, papa!
you spoil her, you know
and you don't?
When I had a family.
Her gaze focused on the window itself, at the reflection
in the glass, the reflection that was her - the dull
green eyes, the boyish face set in a permanent frown.
And she wondered.
She wondered what had happened to the little girl that had
once chased butterflies, pretended to fly on her father's
shoulders, picked flowers for her mother . . .
She wondered just where that little girl had gone.
what'cha doin' mama?
i'm baking cookies for you and your papa
really?!?!
yup
can i help? i wanna help, i wanna help!
plleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase?
i promise i won't make a mess, honest i won't!
of course you can
yay!!
and when we're done, you can eat some for a snack
how's that sound?
The memories she held were few and faded, unbidden,
surfacing in her mind from the depths of her watered down
past, triggered by something that had been said, something
that had been done. Something that made her remember.
We had our own little world then, just my parents and
me. Nothing could touch us, absolutely nothing,
because we were safe in our little world.
Just us in our little world . . .
She remembered her mother's gentle hands, her father's
bearded chin. The necklace that she always wore, the gray
streak that shot through his hair. She remembered their
laughter, their voices. How they tucked her in at night and
sang to her when she couldn't sleep, how they always picked
her up when she fell and kissed her cuts and bruises and
made the pain disappear.
And then -
papa?
where's mama?
And then that world shattered.
papa?
yes, haruka?
is mama's gonna get better?
is she?
of course, haruka
mama is going to be just fine
papa?
yes, haruka?
why are you crying?
Something had happened, something that she could not - or
maybe would not - remember. Something that blanketed her
childhood with darkness, leaving her with nothing else but
faded images, yellowed photographs that fluttered away
from her grasp, escaping from her fingers before she could
fully look at them. Look at them and remember.
where'd everyone go?
mama?
papa?
where are you?
And now I live with nothing else but the broken melody
of our forgotten song, a forgotten time.
A time that exists only in my mind.
And perhaps does not exist at all.
But it seems so real . . .
The falling leaves
How could it not be real?
The glasses his father wore
I was happy then.
The butterflies
The games they played
His mother's smile
The world they had.
That was when . . .
That was when I was loved.
right?
I can see you so clearly
But you were gone before I knew
Before I could understand
And now I know
Now I understand
But that doesn't make it any better
Any easier to accept
That you're gone
Email: jessiegb@aol.com
4 March 2001
(Previous fics posted on A Sailor Moon Romance and
the H&M Fanfic Centre)
