Welcome my friends to my collection of Lardass stories! I really wanted to write a story that I have never seen done before. I thought it might be fun to write about Lardass and some of his life adventures and such. I hope you do enjoy and thank you for reading.

Ch. 1: Lardass and the Mystery of the Missing Donuts

"Mom, where are the donuts?"
Ten year old John Hogan shouted across the house, slamming the refrigerator door shut.
An exhausted Alice Hogan, mother of four, sat down to take a break from cleaning. She sighed, "I don't know, Johnny. I didn't eat 'em. Ask your father." She wiped a hand across her sweaty forehead and lifted her fair hair back into a bun.
"Daaaaaaad," John shouted out again.
"Oh lord," Alice breathed heavily, "Keep it down, Johnny. Davie's trying to sleep."
She looked over at the crib in the corner of the living room and began to hear small whimpers coming from it.

A moment later, the five hundred pound Henry Hogan came thumping into the living room, scratching his beard and rubbing his beer belly at the same time.
"Dad?" John walked into the room and asked a little frightfully, as if his father could breathe fire or crush him with one toe if he said a word.
"Yes sonny?" He replied, sitting down on the couch and causing the floorboards to shudder.
"Did you eat the last of the donuts?"

The whole room was silent for a moment; only baby Davie could be heard (he had woken as soon as his father had entered the room, and started crying).
"You calling me fat, son?" Henry raised his voice and asked accusingly.
"Of course not," John replied quickly.
"Well then, no, I didn't touch any donuts," he stated with finality.

John Hogan didn't say another word to his father. Instead, he walked away with a deep frown on his face. He had really been in the mood for a donut today and, now since he couldn't have one, he was cranky.

On the other end of the living room, he sat himself down in his mother's chaiselongue just as his older sister Judy made an entrance. She had short blonde hair and a pink skirt that she matched with her purse. She looked into the mirror at the center of the room and began fixing her hair, fluffing it up with one hand. "Mom, I'm going out with Katie tonight. I'll be back by ten." Alice nodded. Henry humphed. John sank down further in the chaiselongue, but perked right back up.

"Wait, Judy!" He shouted, almost springing up out of the seat.

"Uh huh?" His sister replied in a bored tone, not bothering to look at her brother as she fixed her hair.

"Did you take the last donuts?"

Alice sighed, wondering why her son so desperately wanted these donuts.

Judy scrunched her small brown eyes together and said, "Eww, no, I hate donuts. They're full of calories and fat." With that final thought, she said a quick goodbye to her parents and made her way out the front door.

Just as Johnny sank back, defeated, Mark Hogan, his 17-year old brother, came scurrying down the stairs. He was wearing plain white keds and jeans that were far too big for him. His light brown hair was a mess and he was trying to comb it down with a brush in one hand. He seemed to be repeatedly whispering something to himself. In fact, he looked like he had gone completely mad.

"Where are you off to, Mark?" Alice asked calmly, once the boy was already almost out the front door. Mark retreated, then leaning down quickly to re-tie his shoe.

"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late," he slurred together in a hurry.

"Mark?"

"Oh, right. I'm late, ma. I gotta go... uh... meet some friends." He looked around the room suspiciously and headed for the door again.

"Did you happen to hawk any donuts?" John asked loudly as his brother exited the house.

"No!" came the distant reply.

Alice rolled her eyes and turned to her 10-year old son, "Enough with the donuts, Johnny!"

John let out a sigh and got off of the chaiselongue.

The young boy made his way over to his brother's crib.
He looked down at the fat baby lying relaxed on his baby blanket.
Davie Hogan was a boy of one year. He had chubby, rosy cheeks and pudgy hands and feet. His thighs had cute little fat rolls and his brown hair stuck up all across his head. He had big blue eyes that gleamed up at his big brother.
He started to laugh, and show his tiny white teeth, when Johnny noticed something on the boy's chin.

Crumbs.

Crumbs all over his chin and upper lip. Davie giggled and then stopped to smile guiltily at his brother. John lifted the baby gently out of the crib, revealing a half eaten and squashed donut underneath him.

"Mystery solved," John said, turning back to his mother and father, "Now the only question is... Who fed it to him?"
Both Alice and Henry raised their hands in defense and shook there heads.

John turned back to the fat baby in his arms, grinned, and put him back in the crib as he took away the half eat donut. He looked down at the ground and found a barely noticeable trail of donut crumbs leading up to the crib. John lifted the blanket out to reveal a box of chocolate flavored donuts. Besides the few crumbs that resided in it, it was completely empty.

"Well, someone sure is sneaky," he whispered to the boy.
Davie continued to giggle and John swore he saw him wink.

And that was only the beginning of Davie Hogan's food scavenging adventures.


If you have any nice ideas for my collection of Lardass stories, feel free to tell me! I'd love to incorporate any ideas you have (humorous or otherwise). Thanks guys!