I don't ship April and Alex together but I was watching season 7 episode 8 and I thought what if things had gone a little differently in the on call room between them….
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Where on earth was Alex? I needed to find him. I needed to tell him what an amazing job today, he probably saved that kids life and nobody even knew. That ass of an attending, I hated Stark, took all of the credit, pretended it was his idea all along. Opening up the door to the residents lounge I saw Meredith sitting alone, staring blankly at the cubby hole in front of her. I guessed she wanted to be left alone, that she probably wasn't in the mood to answer the one question I needed answered right now, she was too deep in thought to assist me on my search for him. So I stepped backwards, lightly closed the door behind me and continued scouring the hospital looking for Alex.
Everyone in the hospital was on edge, well that's not strictly true, not everyone but a lot of people. This morning when I was trying to find out why Alex was in Vegas Meredith shushed me because Dr Altman was talking about Cristina up on the stage in front of us. Her speech quickly morphed from a patient presentation to a 'post-mortem on Dr Yang' as she put it. Dr Shepherd seemed to be mad at her, ever since the shooting everyone has been quite worked up, understandably, but something is really wrong with Cristina. She quit the program. Out of all the residents she was the least likely to quit but after the shooting something inside her just snapped and now, well she quit. I think Dr Shepherd felt responsible in a way, but I wasn't really concerned about Cristina, I needed to find Alex.
Jackson told me not to go there with Alex, he is my best friend so I should listen to him, but I don't know. I like him but I'm me, I'm April, I'm a virgin. Lexie joined in and said I definitely didn't want to go there, but why couldn't I, I was responsible for myself, I could handle it, whatever happened. I quickly scanned the Peds ward for Alex, I thought that maybe he was checking on patients, he wasn't. Maybe he went home, he did say it felt sick earlier today. Maybe he went to rest in an on call room; there was no way I could know. Usually I would have given up, but I needed to find him, so I started searching in the on call rooms, after two failed attempts, I was ready to call it quits.
I walked up and down the hallways trying to think, thinking about where he was and thinking about why I wanted to find him, to see him so much. I knew that I wanted to tell him how amazing he was and how much of an ass Stark is, but did I want something more. What if subconsciously I wanted something more, why else would I think to look in the on call rooms, maybe I wanted something to happen between us. Jackson may have been wrong, maybe I do want to go there.
Oh, I don't know. Placing one foot in front of the other I walked towards another on call room door, as I slowly approached it I promised myself that if he wasn't in here then I would stop looking and go back to work. Part of me really wanted to find him behind this door but another part of me really didn't want to, at all. My hand hovered over the door handle, what if someone was in here, not Alex, someone who forgot to lock it, as they were too busy doing, well what people are often doing in on call rooms. What if Alex was in behind this door and not alone…? I pondered all this for a moment, then shaking my head I pushed that thought to the very back on my mind put my hand down on the door handle and turned it slightly.
I opened the door and found Alex lying on the bed, "Are you ok?" I blurted out before thinking. He groans squinting up at me; the light of the hallway blinding him, I obviously woke him.
"I'm sorry. I tried to find you." I shut the door behind me, blocking the light out, step forward and continue, "He is awful! He tried to take all the credit."
Using his arm Alex boosts himself up and puts his back up against the wall for support, "Is the kid ok. Is it going to work?" he sounds concerned.
I take another step towards him, "Yeah! Of course it's going to work, it's brilliant. I'm going to talk to the Chief" I sit down on the bed before I continue, I try to stop but I can't my mouth keeps opening and shutting and words pour out, I have no control over it, "because it is so unfair. You did every single thing right today. You covered that attendings ass and you got… you got crapped on every step of the way. The Chief should know that."
He protested, "April"
But there was no stopping me now, I leaned forward and continued, "No, no. You're so... what you did today was so great. You know, you don't deserve this. I just…I wanted you to know that somebody knows that. That I know that"
I sat there still, unaware of what he was thinking, I just kept talking, I should have stopped. I looked into his eyes, and searched from some shred of evidence, something that would give me a clue to what was running through his mind.
I pulled backwards a little, I could feel that I was about to blush, I made an idiot of myself again. Alex looked at my strangely for a second, then leant towards me pulling me to a kiss. It was long and passionate, like nothing I had ever experienced before. His lips left mine, and he looked into my eyes, this time he searched for something, he was trying to see what I was thinking. To answer him, I grabbed him, pulling him into a kiss. It was hot and heavy and I could feel his hands running down my body, to the bottom of my scrubs top, he began pulling it up and then stopped suddenly, withdrawing his lips from mine.
"What?" I asked, almost demanding an answer.
"You're a virgin."
My face turned red, my hands dropped to lap, clasping each other, trying to comfort myself, "Yeah, so?"
"I can't." he slid backwards, resuming his position, leaning against the wall.
I shuffled forward, placing my hand on his knee, "I want this."
Pushing my hand away he replied, "Now, you don't April. You will regret this later, I know you will."
My face fell and I stared down at my lap. We sat in silence for about a minute before he ventured to break the silence, he leant forward, placing his hand under my chin and bringing my eyes level to his, "April, I'm sorry."
Refusing to look into his eyes I stared down at my lap, silently. After a few seconds I broke the silence I had created, looked up at him and said, "Where were you this weekend?"
He dropped my hands, "I.."
"Don't say Vegas."
His expression changed, he looked curious, wondering how I knew, "Iowa." What, why would he be in Iowa? Noticing the confusion that spread across my face he answered my unspoken question, "That's where I grew up. My family lives there now."
He fidgeted, playing with hands, obviously wanting to say more, but he was unsure, nervous perhaps. I moved to get closer to him, not to kiss him again, but to prompt him to continue, I leant against the wall, sitting next to him, our bodies connected, only slightly.
"I went home. My brother, you haven't met him but Mere and Cristina have Aaron, the doctor said…" his voice shook and I slid my hand down his arm, grasping his hand trying to comfort him, the best way I knew how. He continued, "He got diagnosed schizophrenic. Just like my mom." He paused for a moment, took a deep breath and went on, "You know how they figured it out?"
I shook my head, we both knew it was a rhetorical question but I sounded out a quiet, "How?" before he answered.
"He tried to kill our little sister." I grabbed his hand more tightly now, no wonder he acted like he did today, no wonder he, oh Alex. "She's 16. She is just a kid. And her brother tried to kill her."
I rested my head on his shoulder, my hand holding his a firming as I could, I wanted to protect him, I knew I couldn't but I tried. "And my mom didn't do anything cause she's off her meds and... anyway, I was in Iowa. That's where I went. To my brothers commitment hearing, I had to commit him, Whatever." Breathing out slowly he rested his head upon mine, and stroked the side of my hand with his thumb, showing me that he was appreciating the little I was doing to comfort him.
"It was good you went Alex, it's good that you were there." I almost whispered, afraid to ruin the moment we were having, whatever it was.
Sighing heavily he continued, it was his turn to ramble, "I wasn't there. I wasn't. I showed up, I held my sisters hand in the hospital for like ten minutes, I shoved some pills down my mom's throat and I signed my brother into a nuthouse. Then I got the hell out of there as fast as I could. I wasn't there. I'm the ass who can't stand to be there."
I whispered, "Oh Alex."
This explained so much about him. It explained why he was the way he was. He was harsh and sometimes a bit of a douche, but he had a tough and he still came out the other side. He told me something about himself, which would not have been easy for him to do, something told me that I was the only person he told this too, I felt like that gave us something, some form of bond, he trusted me. Without thinking, I turned and pulled him towards me, into a hug. His chin rested on my shoulder, I could feel his arms all around me, holding on tight, almost afraid to let go.
I spoke in hushed tones, almost whispering it his ear, "You're not an ass. You were there, even if you don't think you were. What you do matters."
Releasing his grip, he began to pull away slowly, so I let go and leant against the wall. "Thanks April. I know you don't like me. But this really helped."
Moving across the bed, he stood up and walked towards the door.
"Alex." Jumping up I took two steps towards him towards him, I had to tell him, I couldn't not. I knew that I couldn't tell him what I thought using words, knowing me I would stutter and I would ruin everything. Actions had to do. Usually I wasn't keen on action over words, but in this moment, I no longer cared. I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards to me, he looked surprised, I placed my hands on either side of his face and stared deeply into his eyes, again. I then pulled him towards me, into a deep kiss. It was less passionate this time, less urgent but more demanding I guess.
After about a minute, I pulled away walked towards the door, and turned back to face him. "You know where to find me." Shutting the door behind me I headed down the hallway off to the ER to go get a case. As I walked towards the elevator, I reviewed everything that happened with Alex. I didn't know what I wanted to happen in that on call room, but I pleasantly surprised with everything that did.
It could have been a spectacular failure, I don't know what made him stop when he was kissing me, but I am glad that I didn't make a decision that I am sure I would live to regret. He knew me, even when I didn't know me. He is not the man I first thought him to be. I guess people truly do surprise you even when your intention is to surprise them. A smile spread across my face as the elevator doors opened, this could be the start of something, this was a good day after all.
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