Authors notes-

This is just a quick one shot, set when Bella goes to meet James in the Ballet studio. Its Edwards thoughts and feeling when he first finds out. Please read and review and remember to check my other stories. i hope you enjoy reading and the first review will have this dedicated to them.


If I was dead, Bella wouldn't be in this mess. She wouldn't be risking her life, walking to her death to save me. A soulless vampire, who's future only holds pain and hell. Carlisle should never have saved me, he should have left me. I know it was my mothers wish, for him to do everything in his power to save me, but it was wrong. What about my wish? What about my wants?

I want Bella to live, she needs to live. Bella is my everything now, I will die to save her. Not that im even really alive. I never will be again. Carlisle may have cured me of the Spanish influenza by making me this immortal monster, but something inside of me still died. My heart and my soul.

I could feel the pain inside of me, worse then having all my limbs ripped away and placed into a fire. I never knew I could feel like this about anyone, I didn't know it was possible. Even when I had met Rosalie, who was undoubtedly beautiful, I didn't love her in any other way then a sister. When we met the Denali clan, Tanya showed much interest but I politely turned her down, she too was of course beautiful. But there was something missing. I had no feelings for her.

When I met Bella, my heart felt like it should be beating again, I knew it was still dead but maybe, possibly part of it was alive. She had brought part of it back to life. She was more beautiful then Rosalie and Tanya put together. Their blonde hair was nothing compared to her gorgeous locks of brown waves. And her eyes looked straight into me, like they saw the real me.

I have to save my Bella, I cant let her die. Not to save me. Im not worth it. Im not worth her love. Carlisle disagrees with me, he believes we do have souls. I know he is wrong though. Im a murderer, I have killed people and drank their blood. How can a person, a monster, still have a soul after doing that. Disgracing themselves and their God.

Bella was such a kind person, I had to save her and then leave her. How could I not leave her when all I do is put her in danger? It would be safer if I left.

But im too selfish for that. I cant leave. I love her too much.