Okay. Hi c:
I just saw the last movie and… I didn't cry under the whole movie. My eyes filled with tears, but I didn't cry.
I squeaked, I made weird noised but I didn't cry… until the end.
That was when I realized, Oh my god it ends here. No more Harry Potter movie. It's over. So, yeah. But this movie was… The movie I liked the most of them all and yeah, I haven't read the books so if there is something wrong that you who actually read the books thinks is wrong.. Don't complain, I only know what the movies says, okay? But if there is something wrong that we get to know in the movie... You're allowed to complain!
I just got all tangled up in this Snape & Lily love that I needed to write this. I love them, too much I think. But yeah,
Disclaimers; I do not own anything. Not Severus Snape, Not Lily Evans, James Potter or any other character in this story, except the OC's a made; Lily's friends and maybe some teachers, 'cause I don't know the names of them when Severus were young.
My English can be quite bad. I'm still learning – I'm from Sweden, fifteen soon to be sixteen years old
Ehm.. Yeah. I hope you'll enjoy it!
And for the ones who read my other fanfic "Split Personality" and maybe read this; I'm on my way with a new chapter but I had to write this first because.. yeah.. Idea-stop.
Oh. And some of the conversation is directly taken from the book/movie/internet – I love internet.
This is a one shot!
Now. Enjoy!
(Btw. This is for you Tess!)
Always
"After all this time?"
"...Always."
"James Potter is mediocre, arrogant, delighted to find himself famous, attention-seeking and impertinent", Severus muttered as he walked beside Lily in the long corridor of Hogwarts. "I would just like to…"
"Severus, please stop that." She gave him a smile before she hooked arms with him and rested her head on his shoulder. Severus rolled his eyes but couldn't help to smile himself when he felt her touch. His otherwise pale face became red and his heart raced in his chest. Lily was the cutest girl in the world. "Come on now, we will be late if you don't hurry up!"
Severus did as Lily said and tried to keep up with her short, fast steps with his long ones. She was right, class began in five minutes.
He could feel her hugging his arm tight to her chest as they walked to the classroom and while Lily went on about how rude her sister had been this summer and Severus answered with: "Mm", "I know", "That's not very nice of her" and "Okay", Severus only thought about how it would be to hold to his chest and kiss her. That, of course, is a very stupid thought. Lily didn't show any sort of love against him, more than friendly love and she would never even think of kissing Severus. Even though she stood up for him and hang around with him when her friends just insulted him, she would never love him like she loved him. And then it was him again. James Potter who always tried to flirt with her, make her go out with him and give her things. But then again, Severus knew she hated him more than a Quidditch player hated the bludger. By that thought, Severus smiled and looked out through the window. By now, Lily noticed that the raven didn't listen and placed her hands at her waist instead of holding on to Severus.
"You are not even listening to me!"
Severus looked away from the window and faced the shorter with a troubled grin. "I'm sorry, Lily. I just thought about where we should head of after the potion class so I can help you with Dark arts and defence against dark arts."
Lily examined him for a while before she nodded and started to walk again. "Very well, I guess I'll forgive you!" She said with an easy smile before hooking arms with him again.
Once again, Severus blushed.
~;-;~
Severus threw the door open and bursted out from the classroom, his books pressed against his chest and at first he just stood still, until the rest of the class came out. The black hair danced in the wind when he steered his feet to… He didn't really know where his feet took him, and he didn't care. He just wanted away from him. He just couldn't stand that ugly face, those words and his friends. He was too much.
Lily hurried after Severus but lost him after just a few seconds. Alone, she stood in the corridor and watched the floor beneath her feet. Several corridors away, she could hear how someone yelled after the sound of books falling to the floor.
"You freak! Watch where you go!"
Lily looked up and started running when she realized whose voice it was and hoped that her feet took her to the place the voice had come from. And they did. There, she saw Remus, Sirius and James, standing in a half circle in front of Severus who lied on the floor.
"Now tell me Severus, why did you run from class? Was it something I did?" The confident smile on Potters lips made Severus want to throw up or at least hit him hard somewhere he would get a detention for. But when he thought about it, he would get a detention for hit him anywhere. James straightened his glasses and walked towards the black haired man with his wand pointing at him while Remus and Sirius laughed behind him. "Or something I said?"
"Enough", Lily hissed and walked pass James so she stood between the two boys with her hands on her waist. "You think you're funny, but you're just an arrogant, bullying toe rag, Potter! Leave him alone."
The Marauders looked at each other and then laughed out loud before James turned to face Lily with a smirk. He moved to stand exactly in front of her and locked eyes with her. "I will if you go out with me Evans. Go on, go out with me and I will never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."
Lily looked at him with big disgust and then took the last step that separated them. "I wouldn't go out with you, even if it were a choice between you and the giant squid!"
Stunned by the woman's words, James blinked at looked down at her before he laughed and bow down to her. "You will change your mind, Evans. You know it." And with those words, the Marauders left. Lily turned to Severus who gathered his books in silence, not daring to look at the ginger. He felt shame, for letting James humiliating him in front of the woman he loved and disgusting for letting him doing it in general.
"Severus, look at me", she sighed and caressed him over his arm when he rose to his feet.
"You're going to change your mind… Aren't you?"
Lily looked at him, shocked by the fact that Severus even could think of something so stupid. Then she backed away from him and hissed: "What are you talking about? I hate him, and you know that!"
""I just don't want to see you be made a fool of — He fancies you, James Potter fancies you! And he's not…everyone thinks…big Quidditch hero — I'm just trying to show you they're not as wonderful as everyone thinks they are", Severus muttered and turned his back to her, his books pressed against his chest again.
"I know James Potter is an arrogant toe rag. You don't need to tell me that."
Severus glanced at her over his shoulder but then faced the floor with a sad expression, he really didn't mean to start fights with her, he only wanted the best for her. "… I'm sorry Lily", he muttered and walked over to her again, hugging her from behind.
"… It's hard you know", she said, resting against his back. "-covering up for you, making excuses so I can hang out with you. My friends don't like you, at all."
"No one likes me", he said, but didn't let her go.
"I like you?" The ginger looked up at him and smiled. "… But as I said. Don't make it harder for me to excuse you. Try to act-"
"Normal?", Severus whispered and sighed as he pulled in the scent of her hair. He could feel Lily tremble a bit in his arms but then she shook her head. "Then what?"
"Don't muck so much with Potter, his friends is friends with my friends." Lily turned in his arms and, still embraced by them, and looked at him with a smile. "You can promise me that, can't you?"
The raven swallowed and then nodded. She was so close that he could kiss her... So close that he could feel her heart beat in her chest and so close he could feel the scent of her fragrance. Vanilla Peach. "O-of course, if you wish so Lily…"
"Thank you Sev", she said with a smile before she hugged him tight and then pointed at his books. "So, you said you were going to help me, didn't you? I really need it."
"Yeah, ehm… Let's go down to the lake. It should be quiet down there by now, I guess."
"Sounds like a plan! Wait for me down there; I'm just going to change clothes!" Then she ran off, waving to him while she did, before she disappeared round the corner. "Bye Sev!"
"Bye Lily..!"
Severus looked down at his body and sighed, he could change clothes as well. So instead of walking to the Black Lake he wandered off to the Slytherin House to change into something more comfortable and get his books.
When he got there he met up with his friends, and he could tell by their looks that they wasn't happy and Severus could guess why. "What's wrong with you? Stop looking at me like that", he said before he pushed them aside. "I have things to do so don't you dare slow me down."
Avery put his hand on Severus shoulder and turned him around. "Going to meet Lily again, aren't ya?" He wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "Mad, you are mad, Snape."
Severus could see Evan and Wilkes nod behind Avery and then how they backed up behind him. "Yeah, Severus, why are you even trying?", Wilkes said.
"Come with us to the forest instead, we want to show you something", Evan filled in and gave Severus a smirk before he disappeared behind him, but the black haired man could hear how he sunk down in the sofa together with Wilkes.
Avery glanced at the two boys before he smiled toward Severus. "Come on, I'm sure it wasn't something special you and Lily were going to do?"
"Avery, I…-"
"Good, now change to something you can run in, and easily hide in. Something dark."
Avery sunk down between Wilkes and Evan and a few second later they started to laugh out loud because of something Severus hadn't heard. Stupid idiots, he thought to himself before he left the room to change clothes and when he came back he was dressed in a black cape, black jeans and a dark blue t-shirt. He really didn't want to follow them, but he noticed that they wasn't there when he came back. But they had left a note on the table.
"Accio note", Severus whispered as he pointed his wand at it. It flew through the air and when he got it in front of him, he took it and read it.
"We'll be waiting by the forest. Be sure to be there in ten minutes or we will find you and drag you to the forest. Finito?"
Severus sighed and burned the note in front of his eyes, then left. If it was so damn important they could find him, so he walked down to the Black Lake to meet up with Lily.
~;-;~
Lily rested against one of the large trees down by the lake as she watched the water. It was completely still, no wind or rain too disturb the beautiful peace. Here, she was completely satisfied and if she could, she would stay here forever. But not alone of course, she wanted someone she could live with. None of her friends, they would only be annoying. Absolutely not Potter nor his friends.
Lily looked up to the big crown of the tree and smiled; she would stay here with Severus. Maybe only then he wouldn't be so upset with James and all the other kids and mucked him. No one would ask why she hanged out with him, she didn't need to cover up for her feelings… Never again. If you only knew how I felt for you Severus, would you still be my friend then?
But then it was the thing with Death Eaters. Lily didn't like it at all, but maybe… Only maybe she could change his mind? At least she could try. So she decided that this evening wouldn't be about homework.
When the ginger heard footsteps she rose to her feet and looked around. At first she began to smile, but as she looked at him again the smile faded. He looked like a death eater in that cape when he had it closed. "Sev, you know I don't like that cape", she muttered when he came closer.
"I had it to sneek out from my friends", he said and walked passed her, took her place by the tree. "They will find me, so we should start right away…"
Lily glanced at him with a sad expression, then went down on her knees in front of him. "I don't want to do homework tonight… Can we wait?"
Severus brought down the hood and looked at her, wandering what she wanted. "Okay? Why?" He dared to give her a smile, now when they were alone.
She moved closer, parted his legs and then sat between them, looking him in the eyes. "I don't want you to become a Death Eater", she said in a low tone, looking very sad and trying not to tremble when she took his hand. She was afraid that he maybe would be angry with her. "I-it's dangerous, you know…"
Severus looked at her, shocked, but then faced the ground. "Lily", he started and sighed. "Please, let's not talk about that now. I just want to have a fun, calm evening."
"Severus, please I…"
"No Lily", Severus said, now more serious. "I don't want to talk about it." He could tell by her expression that he had disappointed her and he hated when he did, but she gave up and then smiled instead. She turned around and leaned back against his chest.
"Okay, if you say so."
"Thank you Lily."
Seconds turned to minute, that suddenly turned to an hour. Not a word had been said but it wasn't needed. Severus just sat and pulled his fingers through her red hair as she admired the beautiful lake and listened to the silent whispers of the wind that whizzed through the trees. Now she knew for real that she wanted to stay her forever, with Severus. They didn't have to say something, even though they were together like this, they understood each other perfectly anyway. If Severus only felt the same was as me, she thought and sighed as she closed her eyes. "Severus?"
The raven stopped right in the movement and looked down at her, one of his eyebrow raised. "Yes, Lily?"
"Have you ever… been in love?"
His cheeks took a bright shade of red as she asked and he knew that Lily could feel his heart race in his chest. Lily looked confused for a second then she turned to face him, but he just turned his face away so she didn't see that he blushed.
"Well… Once?", he answered and swallowed. He didn't like this at all, because if he kept blushing like this she would notice.
"How was it like?"
"… Terrible."
"Why?"
When Severus was sure that he didn't blush anymore, he looked at her and sighed. "I didn't get her", he muttered, then faced the ground between them. But soon he could feel her finger under his chin before she made him face her.
"Who was she?" she said. At this time, Lily looked so beautiful. So innocent and pure, filled with questions. But Severus could tell that she knew now. She knew that it was her and he just wanted to disappear under the ground and never come back. It was silent for a long time before Lily gave him a meaning look. "Severus, who was she?"
Severus tried to break their eye contact but Lily only forced him back. "… It is you Lily", he whispered. By her expression, Severus could tell that she hadn't known. Pure shock was spread across her face and Severus pushed her aside, took his books and started to rise but she pulled him down and pushed him against the tree. She was far stronger than you could guess when you looked at her. But that wasn't what shocked Severus the most, what shocked him was the soft lips against his the second after.
Lily was standing on the tip of her shoes, her hands on his chest and her eyes closed, but she wasn't stable, when the kiss broke she was about to fall back. But strong, firm arms grabbed her around her waist and back and suddenly their lips met again. Severus pulled her closer, intertwined his fingers in her hair and allowed his feelings to show. After all these years, they actually got each other and Severus wanted to scream out of happiness, but instead he kept kissing her until they both broke for air. Their nose still touched when they opened their eyes to look at each other and both smiled. "… Have you ever kissed someone before?", Lily asked and pulled her fingers through his hair.
"Never", he whispered and swallowed.
Lily raised her eyebrows. "Really?" Lily didn't think that he had kissed someone, but he was a damn good kisser. "No one?"
Severus shook his head and looked her in the eyes. "Why?"
"Y-you kiss damn good…" Both of them blushed and then Severus opened his mouth to talk again but then Severus heard footsteps. Evan, Avery and Wilkes. He could hear their voices and fast he gave Lily his cape, bringing the hood over her head. "Fast, take that way back", Severus pointed to show Lily where she would go. "and don't get seen by Evan and the others. Okay?"
Lily looked at him, confused, but then did as she was told. But she couldn't help herself, instead of keep running, she stopped behind a tree and waited for the others to come.
"Severus, what are you doing down here? We told you to meet us by the forest!"
The forest?, Lily thought and glanced the way the voices came from. She could see Evan now, in front of Severus.
"Sorry, I just had to find my books. I thought I had forgotten them down here", he said, holding up his books to show his friends. "We can go now."
Evan looked at him with a suspicious glance but then nodded. "For a second I thought you had gone to meet up with the ginger."
Severus swallowed but then laughed out loud and shook his head. "No, she's just a dirty mudblood. It was a mistake to meet her from the beginning after we got to know that she was a Gryffindor."
His friends did indeed looked shocked before they all laughed and nodded, but a several meters away, Lily could feel her heart break. She turned away from them and started running, not caring if they heard her or not. Severus did hear her, and see her. In panic he pushed his friends aside and ran after her yelling; "I'll meet you by the forest in twenty", before he kept running. Lily sure was fast, but not as fast as Severus and after a couple of second he grabbed her arm and jerked her back, causing her to bump into him. But the real pain didn't come before Lily raised her fist and hit him straight over the face causing a crack from his cheekbone. She didn't care if she had broken something. Severus started to whine and backed away from her before he looked at her. "Lily please! Whatever you heard… I never meant to call you a mudblood! But I just couldn't say the truth to them, they would…-"
"I always stood up for you!", she practically screamed and she shook her head. "You're such a swine Severus! I've made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you. You and your precious little Death Eater friends ... You've chosen your way, I've chosen mine now. Leave me alone."
Lily ran away again, but mostly because of the tears that threatened to run down her cheeks and she didn't want Severus to see how much he actually had hurt her.
"Lily!" Severus fell to his knees as he watched her disappear in front of his eyes. It was no idea following her now, no idea of trying to make her forgive him.
~;-;~
Inside the castle Lily ran up for the stairs, through the corridor until she was in Gryffindor's House and in front of the fireplace where she took place. Here, she allowed her tears to stream down her cheeks. How could Severus be this stupid? He, who had said that it wasn't any difference from those who were purebloods and those who were muggleborn. How could he then stand there and say 'dirty mudblood', in front of his friends?
Lily should have known. He was, after all, a Slytherin; someone who wanted to become a death eater, consumed by the Dark arts.
The ginger dried her eyes when someone entered the room and instead she frowned by the sight of James Potter. At first, she was going to ask what the hell he is doing here, but then she realized that this was a place for all the Gryffindors. Potter could see that she had cried and raised his eyebrows before he sat down in one of the armchairs. "You're not crying, are you Evans?"
"Of course not", Lily hissed and looked at the fire. "Why would I?"
"Everyone is talking about it. How you broke poor Snivelly's cheekbone and how he called you… mudblood", James said, leaning back in the armchair.
"Shut up Potter. You're just as bad as he is."
"What! I would never call you a...- You know what!"
Lily got up on her feet and looked at him, her hands of her waist. "Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can — I'm surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK."
James rose to his feet and shook his head. "Evans, Evans, Evans. You get more interesting for every day", he started and walked over to her, so they stood as close as earlier the same day. "Give me one chance, and I'll show you that I can be better than him. Better than anyone her at school."
Lily grimaced and leaned back from him. "I rather…-"
"Date a giant squid?"
"Kiss Evans ass", she hissed and pushed him aside before she left the room and got up to the rooms where the girls slept. Where no guys were allowed to be.
Potter looked after her with a small grin. He would get her, some day.
~;-;~
Days passed and days came. Lily didn't accept Severus apologies and the summer began to come. Not even at home did she spoke with him and when the Seventh year came, they still didn't spoke. And by this time, Potter had actually achieved something. He and his friends had gotten into Lily and her friends little gang and he actually got to talk to her like friends did. Not like Lily and Severus, but they became good friends. Severus noticed this and it tore him down. The dark arts took a bigger place in his life and soon, he and his friends didn't do other things in their spare time.
One day in the library, Severus sat alone in a corner with books piled around him. There, he had fallen asleep to the silence and sat for hours until he could her laugh and giggle. He could tell whose laugh it was, damn Potter. But the giggle was a little bit… No. It wasn't hard to figure out who it was.
"Schh! Is it someone here?"
"No, Lily. Only us", James said and Severus raised his eyebrows.
"Good", Lily giggled and then Severus could see them. James pushed her up against a wall and pulled away the hair from her face. Lily placed her leg around his waist and smiled toward him, then kissed his lips. Severus thought he was going to throw up when he saw this. He looked away but couldn't stand the sound of their kissing and breathing.
"James! We can't do it here!"
"Of course we can, the question is: Do you want to?"
Severus rose to his feet, pushed away the books and left. He was going to puke for real now and outside the library, he did. It wasn't much and soon he was on his way away from the corridor. He had never been so disgusted by something in his whole life and never so heartbroken. What had happened with the words "arrogant toe rag"? Severus had been right from the very beginning; she would change her mind, and now she had.
Severus went down to the lake and sat there for hours. Even after they had locked the doors so he wouldn't be able to sleep in his bed that night. But something told him that he wasn't alone and when he looked around he could see Lily stand by the water with bare feet and dressed in a white shirt and black jeans.
Severus got up on his feet and quietly walked over to her. "Lily?"
Lily turned around with a scared expression over her face but then looked at him, shocked. "… Good evening", she said, now looking more like she talked to a stranger. Even if she looked like that, her eyes revealed what she truly felt; sorrow.
"… Will you listen to me or will you run away like you have done the last two years?" The raven asked and pulled the black cape around his body.
"Try, and we will see if you have something worthy to say."
"Two years ago my mouth was worthy yours. What is the difference?"
Lily suddenly looked at him with disgust and walked over to him. "You idiot. If you're going to talk shit I will leave right away."
Severus swallowed and looked down on her with a stone face at first, and then it softened. "… You know I'm sorry for that day… It just slipped out in front of them. Please Lily, I miss you. Don't pretend that you don't miss it too, we had great times."
"Had great times, Severus… It is over now."
"You're lying, I can see it in your eyes", he whispered and walked closer. "Please, just tell me what you really feel!"
Lily locked eyes with him and was quiet for a several seconds. Then she sighed and looked away. "Of course I miss you, Sev", she muttered and shook her head. "I always do. But you… You betrayed me. I always stood up for you and then you betrayed me with those words. It hurts you know, it still do."
"I'm sorry Lily, I never meant to hurt you, you know that." Severus pulled his hand over her hand as she faced the ground. "I love you..." He could feel how Lily stiffened by the words and then how she trembled by his touch.
"Don't say that, Severus", she whispered. "D-don't."
"Why Lily? Why shouldn't I tell you how I feel?"
She looked at him and shook her head. "It was two years ago, you don't love me. You just miss what we had."
Severus grabbed her arms and locked eyes with her.
"No Lily. Of course I miss what we had. I loved you back then and I still do. You're my everything!"
Lily looked at him, tried not to cry. She loved him, more than she ever would love James but Severus had hurt her. He was a Slytherin and he fought to become a Death Eater. How could she ever trust him?
Severus let go of her and backed away. "… But of course, you have Potter now."
She turned to face him again, stunned. "You don't need to say anything. I saw you earlier today, in the library. So. Was it good?", he said, his face filled with disgust. "When he fucked you?"
Suddenly she slapped him over his face, the same cheek as two years ago but not as hard and not with her fist. "Shut up. Shut. UP! I didn't do it with him!" She pushed him backwards as she walked towards him until she pushed him into a tree. The tree they had sat by and kissed that day…
"I saw you god damn it, Lily! I heard you!"
"Well, then you didn't see all of it! Because I left, I didn't want to do it and left."
Severus looked at her and then at the ground. "… But you still kissed him. You swore you would never even touch him if it wasn't for hurting purpose."
"… Things change, Severus. You have changed to, you changed for me that day."
The raven looked at her again and sighed. "I guess, but… Why can't we just go back to the way it used to be? Before the kiss?"
"Because we won't be able to go back to that."
"Why?" He could feel how his hands tremble inside the cape.
"… Because I still love you, Severus. That's why, and I wouldn't… I just…"
Severus embraced her, hugged her tight and pressed her body against his. "Then leave Potter, Lily…"
"No. I can't", she whispered against his throat, where she could feel that he swallowed. "I don't trust you enough to do that. James was there for me when you betrayed me, and have been there since then."
Severus knew, by this moment, that he wouldn't get her back. No matter how much he prayed and begged her to be his, she wouldn't come back to him. But he could ask her one last thing. One last favor.
"… Then be with me. Just tonight", he said, smelling her lovely hair.
Lily looked at him, her eyes filled with tears. "What?"
"Be with me tonight", he repeated and looked her in the eyes. "But only if you really want to and love me."
There was no doubt in her eyes when she nodded and dried the tear that escaped her eye. "Okay. But only tonight…"
Severus tilted her head up and swallowed before he kissed her. It was as he remembered it. Her lips was sweet and soft, as her slender body. He had never got to touch her like this before, feel how her hips felt, her stomach and her… Severus stopped right under her breasts and opened his eyes.
"Don't stop Severus, don't hesitate", she whispered and kissed him again. She sucked in a deep breathe when his hands touched her breasts. James hands were nothing like Severus. Severus was more gentle, so aware of what he was doing. James was kind of sloppy. Not aware of what she wanted and needed concerning sex and kisses.
When Severus kissed her again, Lily was sure that this was what she wanted. She knew at this very moment that she was glad that Severus was her first, and not James.
Severus raised his hand to her face and placed it on her cheek before locking eyes with her. "Lily", he started and sighed. "I know I may not be able to change your mind, I know that it already is too late to change what already have happened in the past but I want to say that I…"
Lily placed a finger in front of his lips, shaking her head. "Don't say it. Don't make this harder than it already is", she whispered and then she looked at the ground. "Just do what we agreed, I want you tonight Severus…"
Severus pulled his fingers through her hair and nodded and slowly their clothes started to fell to the ground, one after one. Soon, they both stood naked, Lily with her back against the tree and Severus in front of her. Lily held him tightly against her body and panted while Severus kissed her neck until he reached her ear stopped.
"Are you ready?", he said and opened his eyes. Lily didn't hesitate when she nodded and turned up his face to hers.
"Ready..."
~;-;~
"Severus, wake up"
The voice was far away, but he could still hear that it was Lily's.
"Sev, are you awake?"
A slight nod, then he opened his eyes. Lily laid beside him, completely naked. She looked like an angel in the morning light and Severus couldn't help but to smile. But she looked so sad, yet so beautiful.
"Severus, we have to leave…"
The raven couldn't quite understand, he wasn't really awake yet, so he closed his eyes. "Hmm?"
"Don't talk to me again. From now on, everything is as before."
His eyes went straight open again, but he was still too tired to object.
"Severus, I love you…"
She rose to her feet and got dressed and then she kissed him. "Always Severus."
He sat up and looked at her when she disappeared through the trees and the words still rang in his ears.
And after what seemed like an eternity, he laid down again and whispered: "Always…"
~;-;~
Oh my god. This was hard to write. Damn
Hope you liked it.
