Chapter One- The Sky
The sky is blue. The sky is blue. The sky is blue.
That's what I tell myself again and again. I can't see the sky, but I'm pretty sure it's blue out there. In here it's grey, or black, or a horrible bright white. There're cracks in it and dark, rusty stains that I suspect might be blood.
The sky is blue. This is not the sky. Outside somewhere, the sky is blue. Outside somewhere things are happening. Good things. Things that should be happening, that need to be happening. I'm here because I made a mistake. I should have died. But I didn't. Now I only have grey, or black, or a horrible bright white. It's the end of the world in here, but I take comfort that it isn't out there. The sky is blue out there. Out there things are happening. They must be, otherwise it wouldn't be so painful in here.
"Johanna?"
I open my eyes and, instead of the grey, or black or a horrible bright white, I see cream-coloured squares.
"Are you alright?" comes the voice.
"Of course I am!" I snap back. "Must have just dozed off for a minute, you really do talk such boring crap." I swing my legs around so I'm sitting upright again on the couch. "Are we done yet?"
"We have another forty minutes on the clock. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about?"
I stick out my lower lip and shake my head.
"Nope."
"Annie told me that you've switched rooms with someone and now you have an ensuite bathroom."
My face darkens.
"Annie should have kept her big mouth shut," I growl.
"Have you been using the shower?"
"Yes."
"Is that a lie?"
"No." And it isn't. I've been working hard, but I'm not going to tell him that.
"You know I'm only here to help…"
"Yeah well…" I shrug, and stand up. "Can I go? I'm only here because they make me."
"Everyone involved in the…unpleasantness…who wants to be a part of the rebuilding has to come talk to me, you know that Johanna."
"Well you can write in your little file that I did come to talk to you, twice in fact, so I'm not going to try to kill the President, or swallow any suicide pills. I am damaged but not planning to do any damaging, ok?"
I push an authorisation note across his desk.
"Just scribble your scribble along the bottom there and I'm good to go, never to darken your doorway ever again."
He presses his fingers together, making an arch with his hands. I hate that arch. Maybe if I took some of those heavy books on his bookshelf, and smacked them down on his fingers, he wouldn't be able to make that stupid arch. He raises his eyebrows.
"Come on Doc, cut me some slack. I just want to get on with my life."
"So you're ready to talk about what happened at the funeral then?"
I let out a long, frustrated sigh and sink back into the sofa, staring at my feet, which are now resting on the coffee table.
"Is that a no? Then maybe you should take this back." He pushes the note back across his pine desk and then scrawls something in his black, leather file.
"I hate you," I mutter scathingly.
"That doesn't surprise me Miss Mason. If you feel that we're done for today then take this…" He holds out a blue strip of paper. "…give it to my secretary and schedule yourself for another three visits. We will keep going over this until I'm sure you're not a danger to yourself or those around you."
I snatch the paper out of his hand.
"I didn't hurt anyone at the funeral," I spit. "Or myself, not really."
"Mrs Odair tells it differently," he says casually, writing in his file again.
I stand there for a few seconds, speechless in my fury, before turning on my heels and stomping out of his office, slamming the door behind me. I throw the blue paper at the young man in reception. He bleats something at me but I ignore him and blow through the fancy glass doors out into the street.
The midday sun shines blindingly down onto the top of my head and I have to squint. Where am I again?
I shade my eyes and check out the street sign on the corner of the Doctor's office.
'Opal Drive', that's…four or five blocks east of the park, and twenty-something blocks south of The Training Center. There are a couple of cars on the side of the street but none in motion. The roads around this part of town are in good condition, but most of the city's streets are still littered with debris from the bombs and crumbling buildings. I'll have to walk. No one dares drive yet so there are no taxis picking up fares anymore.
We're trying to get it all cleaned up. The area around the City Circle, where we once had the Tribute Parades, has taken the most work. The Training Center itself was raided and looted by the rebels as well as desperate Capitol citizens. I've only stood inside the main foyer since I returned to the Capitol, it was all I could manage, but I doubt there's much of what I remember beyond.
Along my walk I see a lot of the Capitol's deflated prosperity. Despite this being a relatively privileged area, I still spot a couple of dirty faced children, orphans from the 'unpleasantness', darting around the back of an abandoned bakery. Lost children, with no homes or family. There's a new building north of here that's in the process of being turned into a home for these kids but I doubt there's room for all of them. If I was one of them, I'd rather be homeless in an area I knew, than shoved into a dormitory with a bunch of others, looked after by the people I blamed for killing my parents.
It's true, there are still those out there that hate us for what we've done. Most, mainly in the Districts, have supported the destruction of everything built on our foul history, but there are still some who seek to hinder our rebuilding.
As a Victor, most animosity has been aimed at me.
During the 'unpleasantness', most of the other Victors were killed, either by rebels who thought they were on the Capitol's side, or by the Capitol who thought they were on the rebels' side. That confusion still remains in some minds and I'm usually given a wide-berth when I move through crowds. I don't mind. I'm used to it.
Somewhere along the street, someone empties a bucket of water and I flinch at the sound of splashing liquid.
The Capitol is not what it once was, and neither am I.
But, when I look up, the sky is blue.
