Tolkien owns. I'm not making any money. I don't claim to own, etc, etc.
Umm, high irreverence and silliness follows. AU, but then, this is a humor fic, so it probably doesn't matter that much. If you can't tell, I have a problem with Denethor. Hated him after the books, loathed him after the movie.
``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````
Faramir looked uncertainly at his brother, "I am not certain of this plan of yours."
"What is to be uncertain of?" Boromir scoffed.
"Well… are you certain this is right?" Faramir replied
Boromir sighed, "Faramir, you know that our father is surely mad. I should not be going to Lord Elrond's house. We both know that, yet our father insists. He cares not for one of the finest captains in Gondor's army, and his actions are beginning to border on the bizarre."
"Yes, but are you certain this is right?"
Boromir rolled his eyes, "Are you fascinated with that word for some reason?"
"What word?" Faramir asked.
"The word 'certain.'"
"Well, no, I'm just a bit nervous about this."
Boromir smiled, "There is nothing to be nervous about little brother. The plan is very simple. You grab the palantir and start running towards the river…"
"Why do I have to grab the palantir?"
"Because, father will likely start screaming and yelling at you. Everyone would take notice if I took it and father started yelling. You, they will just think are getting yelled at for not putting your left boot on before your right or some such thing."
Faramir nodded, "True."
"Anyway, as you go towards the river, I will lead away the troops on a wild goose chase after some orcs. You toss the palantir into the river, father jumps in after it, and nobody will be there to save him."
Faramir twitched, "What if he makes it out of the river by himself?"
"He won't. Have you seen the number of robes he wears? He'll sink to the bottom in no time."
Faramir sighed, "Are you cer.., ahem, sure about this? He is our father."
"Faramir, our father looks into a palantir. He was not exactly a nice person before, now he is insane. This is for the good of Gondor."
"I am not sure. Maybe he is not that insane…"
Boromir shook his head, "Head was prancing about in the halls last night declaring himself the 'Stewardess of Gondor' and taking drink orders from passers-by. I had to restrain a member of the court from decking him when he asked if he could 'assist him in putting his seat into an upright position.'"
"That doesn't mean he is necessarily dangerous…"
"He was chasing you around his chambers with a hot fire poker last week because you spilled a bit of soup when you ate lunch."
Faramir frowned, "I thought that was his way of showing affection."
Boromir raised one eyebrow.
"Well he noticed me at least, " Faramir added sheepishly.
Boromir groaned, "We have to get rid of him before he turns you into a nervous wreck."
Faramir smiled, "Supposing I agree to this scheme of yours, do I get to go to Rivendell in your stead?"
Boromir nodded, "I would imagine I will have much to do when I have to claim the Stewardship. Besides, you have always desired to the Elves, have you not?"
Faramir nodded, "So then, where do you think he keeps that blasted stone?"
And so, the Days of Denethor, Stewardess of Gondor passed into memory with a gurgle of water and several screamed obscenities towards his second born son.
