The vending machine marked all its items red. Of course.
Working outside in the middle of winter without hot coffee was just what he needed. "Fuck it", he grunted as he went to next one. Cold beverages only.
It was just one of those days.


I remember the exact moment I looked at him differently for the first time. It was after we lost the match during Spring Nationals that it hit me. He looked so helpless looking at everything around him it was as if I was looking at a little boy who'd just lost his mother in a crowd on a busy street. His tears wouldn't stop and mine neither but mine were not because we'd just lost the match anymore, mine were because of him, because he was hurting so much yet I couldn't do anything to make his frustration go away. I was shocked.

As the realization suddenly hit me I wondered if anyone would notice I had been staring at him for a whole minute now, unable to look away, following him with my eyes wherever he went. I watched him as he cried. I watched as he tried to let out all of his frustration in one go by screaming his lungs out until there was no air left in them anymore. I watched as the other members approached him, gave him hugs and pats on the back. I watched him.

And I wondered why I hadn't noticed him like that before, I mean, I had trained with the guy for what it felt like forever. I had been to his house, shared countless of meals and train rides, and practice sessions. For fucks sake, I had seen him cry and be angry before so why did I suddenly feel the need to be close to him. My head was a mess. We had just lost nationals and suddenly there was the possibility of me having a crush on one of my teammates? I remember feeling so overwhelmed by everything I had to be dragged away from the middle of the court so we could line up to greet the other team. "Get a grip, man. You're still supposed to be the ace, act like it." Daichi's words were never kind when it came to talking to me but there was a hint of disgust in his voice I had never felt before. Now that I think back on it, maybe he noticed? after that day, he never really looked me in the eye when we spoke.

At first I tried to convince myself that it was nothing more than a rush of feelings now that the reality was we lost. All that training and hope we had built on making it to finals was sure something that had affected me and the rest of the team. We all became one as we all had only one goal: to win Nationals. My suffering was their suffering and theirs was mine, right? I had spent most of my time with him, so obviously he was the one I was most attached to. That's why seeing Noya cry that way had made me feel so frustrated and useless, right?

Wrong.

The more I tried to come up with an excuse for the feelings I had back then, the more I ended up a dead alley; it always came down to the same conclusion: I had a crush on Nishinoya. I felt so disgusted with myself back then that I once again stopped going to practice. Not that it was something unexpected of us third years, though, but being together in the same group had become burdensome for me and graduation was so close I guess the others thought I had other priorities, which actually worked for me. I still would casually stop by the gymnasium to see them practice from time to time, even joined them a couple of times, but it was never like before. At least for me it wasn't. I thought that the less time I spent next to him the better, that I would eventually stop crushing on him and things would get back to normal.

But the more I didn't see him the more I thought about him: was he really okay? Was his insomnia acting up again? He would always text me in the middle of the night whenever it got really bad. Was he texting someone else about his problems? Who would become his ace with me gone? I would often give myself a slap when I started with those thoughts. Sometimes it would be in the middle of class and people would turn around to see; I'd apologize and say I was falling asleep and they would whisper how it seemed like I was going mad. I just smiled until the noise died down and everybody went back to their own business. Except for Suga. He always gave me a half smile before turning around. Was he worried or was it pity?

I wanted things to go back to the way they were so badly because it just seemed like everyone was on the other side of the court and all I could do was watch them. Because it definitely was like that. These feelings had made me an outsider and there was no one to blame but me. Nishinoya hadn't done anything for me to think that he was interested, in fact, he always made it very clear he liked girls. But the fact that he sought me out when he was feeling down, or when he couldn't sleep; or the fact that he worried about me when I was stuck in my own pitiness not being able to return to the team after losing to Dateko really made me happy. Because it felt like I was needed, and the thought of him needing me made me happy.

In the end it was only my own confusion that made things difficult. He had given me his friendship and I had turned it into a one-sided sad love story.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Azumane! Get off your ass and help me load this onto the truck!" The middle aged man yelled, resting his body on the huge box next to him. "We gotta hurry, kid! We're supposed to deliver this by 3pm and it's already 2:15pm, we won't make it if we don't leave now!"

"Yes sir!" Asahi replied. His own feet betrayed him and moved faster than he could think, something that had stayed with him from his days playing high school volleyball. He landed in front of his coworker but was able to quickly get back on his feet. "S-sorry, sir!"

"Jeez, kid, are you alright? This is a refrigerator; we absolutely cannot fuck up on this delivery! You sure you're ok?" The old man gave Asahi a look of distrust. For such a big scary-looking guy he was sure clumsy.

Asahi dusted off his uniform and fixed his cap. "Definitely! Won't happen again, sir!" He twitched his mouth as best as he could to force it into a smile. "Shall we go?"

It was only some days that he would get lost in his thoughts the way he did today. Reminiscing on his high school days was bittersweet, somedays more bitter than sweet, but that was the past and there was nothing he could do about it. The choices he had made along the way may not have been the best ones but they always taught him something new about himself.

"Want me to give you a ride home, kid?"

Asahi looked up at the clear sky. "That's ok, I live pretty close by, I think I'm gonna walk home." He smiled as he waved goodbye. His head felt heavy all afternoon after all the thinking he'd done earlier and a walk home didn't sound so bad. It was the middle of January and it was freezing but he liked walking around looking like a snowman with all those layers of clothes on him. Crossing the street from his workplace was the station, and right in front of it was the convenience store. "Today's a day for hot pizza buns and miso ramen. Yesss." he thought as he made his way in. The store clerk raised a hand when she saw him come in.

"Azumane-san!"

"Yo!" Asahi waved back at the girl and made his way to the ramen section. When he was done picking he went straight to the counter and put on his best friendly face. He congratulated himself on the improvement as this girl didn't seem to be scared of him like most people were. "One pizza bun, please."

"Sure! Azumane-san, did you get to meet him?"

"Who?" Asahi's voice was muffled under his scarf.

"There was a weird guy looking for you like an hour ago."

He tried to remember if today was the day Suga said he was going to visit. Over the years he had made it a tradition to visit Asahi on the first week of January but this year he said he was gonna have to postpone it. But why did he stop at the convenience store? Did he forget how to get to his house? It was a good thing Asahi introduced him to his neighbor, then.

"He may have a strange hair color but I assure you it's natural, so don't go calling Suga weird. He'll get mad at-"

"It wasn't Suga-san, are you kidding? I would never call him weird he's so dreamy." The girl handed him his change. "He did mention Suga-san, though. He was lucky I was working here today, I gave him the address to the apartment building." Asahi started feeling anxious. "He said he was a friend of yours and of Suga-san as well so I thought there'd be no problem?"

"What did he look like?" His eyes widened. "Was he short?"

"Yeah, I gue-"

Asahi was out the door faster than the girl could reply. As he made his way home running, a million questions ran through his mind. Could it be him? But why? What was he doing there? Was he okay? Why hadn't he contacted him first? Something must have happened to him. Or maybe Suga. Shit. What happened to Suga? He hadn't even contacted him in a while maybe he had been in an accident? He tried to reach his back pocket only to trip and fall. As he picked up his things and continued the race he dialed his number.

Two hundred meters.

"Pick up, damn it!" Re-dial. "Fu-"

"Hello?" Suga's words sounded a little slurred. Asahi wanted to kill him. There he was running full speed wondering if he was alive while Suga was out with friends probably having drinks with not a care in the world. What an ass.

"I'm going to fucking kill you! What the fuck!"

"Wait, Asahi? What's going on? Are you- Are you running?"

Asahi hung up and sped up. He felt relieved Suga was okay, but now his biggest worry was the person waiting for him. What had happened for Nishinoya to have come all the way there and not even say anything? It was probably Suga who gave him the address, who else? But why didn't he say anything?

A hundred meters.

His chest was full of anxiety waiting to explode the moment he stopped running. But he was also eager to see him. It had been almost three years since they last saw each other. Sure, he had gotten updates through Suga but this was on a totally different level. This was face to face. Would he be mad at him? Asahi thought of a counter attack: Why didn't Noya contact him first? He was the sempai after all. Smile. He felt ashamed. Just a few hours ago he had clearly been emo-ing about him and now he was as giddy as a kid getting candy. He was so pathetic.

He slowed down the pace as he approached the next turn, just a few steps away from the building's entrance now. His rushed pace came to a full stop when he came face to face with his former team mate. Asahi looked at him, he hadn't changed at bit. "You-" It had been so long. "Tanaka."