Title: Hunchback of Notre Dame: Take 123!
Summary: Being a character of HOND isn't easy. There's long hours of filming and what not. So our crazy cast lets on about their worst outtakes ever.
Genre: Humor/Parody
Rated: T for language and sophomoric humor
A/N: They're supposed to be a touch OOC in this story so don't be alarmed. I will continue to add bloopers if you guys can give me ideas or if the ideas just hit me.
'Bells of Notre Dame' scene
Clopin: How did he come to be there?
Puppet Clopin: How?
(Clopin hits it with his stick and shouts at the painful jar to his head. He begins screaming vulgarities, oblivious to the flock of innocent children in front of him.)
Clopin: Son of a b****h!! That f***ing hurts!!! (He rubs his sore head and notices the children staring at him, mouth agape and scared. He sneers.) Oh please, it isn't really the 14th century, you know? People say f**k all the time.
Director: Clopin! You're not supposed to be teaching kids these words!!!!
Clopin: Whatever. Screw this; I'm going to go find that smartass that replaced my puppet with a voodoo doll. (Storms off camera, fuming.)
Me: Shush. He'll never know.
'Alphabet' scene
Frollo: Shall we review your alphabet today?
Quasimodo: Oh yes Master, I'd like that very much.
Frollo: Very well. 'A'?
Quasimodo: Uh…acrimonious. No, abecedarian. Wait, armadillo. No, that's not it. Or was it amorous? Wait, I bet it's abstract. No…um, I think it's…(An hour passes by and he's STILL figuring out what 'A' stands for.) Wait, I got it, it's abomination, right?
Frollo: (Had fell asleep while Quasimodo was busy remembering his line, wakes up.) Huh? Okay, 'B'?
Quasimodo: Uh…boogers?
Director: Quasi…did you even look at your script this morning? (Is really pissed off.)
Quasimodo: Uh…(Remembers going to an all-night party instead of rehearsing.) Yes?
Director: Oh, just cut!
'The Court of Miracles is mine' scene
Frollo: There will be a bonfire in the town square this evening and you're all invited.
(His guards start snickering and laughing.) What? What's so humorous?
Phoebus: Nothing, Frollo. (Tries to hold back impending guffaw.)
Quasimodo: Yeah, everything is very…well covered. (Puts hand over mouth to shield laughter.)
Clopin: Yeah, nothing to get your robes in a twist about. (Everyone except Esmeralda begins laughing uncontrollably, leaving Frollo completely confused.)
Frollo: I demand an explanation! What is it about that you all find so amusing?
Esmeralda: (Whispers to Phoebus.) Now can we tell him that the back of his robe is accidentally tucked in to his tights, leaving his butt exposed for the world to see?
Phoebus: Give it a few more minutes.
Frollo: And can someone please tell me why it's so drafty?
'Frollo Grabs Esmeralda' scene
Frollo: You think you've out…Hey! (Gets shoved away by Esmeralda whom looks positively infuriated.)
Esmeralda: What! What! What do you want, you depraved pervert! You want to pick a fight with me, is that what you want! Huh! Because I'm pretty damn tough!
Frollo: Um…you do know we're just acting?
Esmeralda: Oh, don't play innocent with me. I know you want to cop a feel. And why are there no peanut butter fudge brownies anymore? (Storms off camera, cursing and muttering about the lack of chocolate.)
Frollo: Director, can we not do scenes while she's on a PMS high?
'Festival of Fools' scene
Clopin: Dance La Esmeraldaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…Cough! Hack! (Clutches at chest while coughing violently. His voice comes out all squeaky and scratchy.) Ugh…need…a…lozenge. (Coughs more violently.)
Director: Somebody get Clopin some warm milk and honey and a cough drop…before he coughs up his lungs all over the set. (Warily stares at the winded, still hacking gypsy.)
'Dance La Esmeralda' scene
(Esmeralda grabs spear and performs her 'pole dance' routine only for the pole to snap in mid-air, catapulting her onto the ground.)
Esmeralda: Oh, s**t. I knew I should've lost those few extra pounds.
Clopin: Thought you were on Atkins.
Esmeralda: (Guiltily.) Ben and Jerry found me, okay?
Director: Oh for the love of…Cut!
'Crushing ants' scene
(Frollo picks up stone and slams it into the ants. The stone shatters to pieces.) Wow…I didn't know I was that strong.
Phoebus: (Whining.) You kidding? You make guys like me look like ninety-pound wimps!
Frollo: What's the matter? Feeling emasculated?
Director: Claude, quit picking on Phoebus! It's not his fault he's a wimp.
Phoebus: Yeah! Wait...(After several minutes of thinking his sparse brain cells managed to squeeze out.) Hey!
'Choose me…or the Fire' scene
Frollo: Choose me…or the fire.
Esmeralda: Uh, Frollo? (Tries to warn him about the fact that the fire has accidently caught on his chaperon.)
Frollo: What? (Starts to feel very warm.) My God, someone turn up the air conditioning, it's practically burning!
Esmeralda: Well, duh! You're hat's on fire…and it's spreading!!
(Frollo screams and begins running around, arms flailing and rolling on the ground, trying to extinguish the flames. Quasi and Phoebus take extinguishers and activate them, covering everything and everybody in sticky, thick white foam.)
Director: (With mouth filled with foam, mumbles.) Mmm…gurgle…gasp…grumble…Cut!
'Cathedral' scene
Frollo: (Makes voice go all deep and sexy while saying this.) So typical of your kind to twist the truth and cloud the mind with unholy thoughts. (Looks at her, waiting for a reaction.)
Esmeralda: Uh…aren't you supposed to like leave or something?
Frollo: You mean you don't feel swooned? Or like you're about to melt?
Esmeralda: (Shrugging.) No.
Frollo: Not even a shudder? Or a deep purring feeling? (Incredulous.)
Esmeralda: No, I feel perfectly fine.
Frollo: But how's that possible! The voice always gets them!!
Esmeralda: Okay…you have to stop believing that all you read on those little forums your fan girls put up are always going to work.
Frollo: Oh yeah? How about my eyebrow arch? (Arches eyebrow sexily with a devilish grin.)
Esmeralda: Zip. Don't feel a thing.
Frollo: Uh, my teeth? (Flashes those gorgeous pearly whites worthy of a Colgate commercial.)
Esmeralda: Zilch.
Frollo: Uh, my hair when it's all messy? (Removes hat and tousle hair with his fingers, making look so desirably wild.)
Esmeralda: Now, I just think you look insane.
Frollo: Okay, my hands? (Reaches out and strokes her chin feverishly. Now, I'm shuddering and purring.)
Esmeralda: (Yawns.) Buttons not being pushed.
Frollo: Fine, then I'll resort to my one last weapon.
Esmeralda: (Sarcastically.) Gee, I can hardly wait.
(Frollo grabs her and dips her low, kissing her feverishly and passionately, shocking the gypsy tremendously. He then stands her back up where she is now speechless and wide-eyed.)
Frollo: (Smirking.) Well, I'm guessing I finally got a reaction. (Leaves, chuckling darkly.)
Esmeralda: (Snapping out of her coma, turns to Director meekly.) Um…could we change the script and have me end up with Frollo, please?
Director: What, no! And what just happened?
Clopin: I'm thinking Frollo was trying to prove how irresistible he is to her and well…he succeeded.
Director: Oy! I need a vacation. (Rests head in palm exasperatedly.)
'Sun God' scene
Phoebus: I'm Phoebus. It means 'Sun God'.
(Esmeralda and Djali exchange unimpressed looks with each other and suddenly, burst out laughing and bleating.)
Esmeralda: Sun God! What kind of lame name is that?! Sun God?!!! (Fall over giggling along with Djali whom is bleating his heart out in humor.)
Phoebus: (Pouting.) You're all just mean. (Leaves in a huff.)
Esmeralda: Oh come back, you big baby. (Keeps giggling until sides ache.)
Director: Somebody please get Phoebus back even though his name is superbly and admittedly lame.
'On top of Notre Dame Battle' scene
Take 1
Frollo: Now, I'm going to do what I should have done twenty years ago! (Grabs cape and attempts to throw it at Quasi but accidentally ends up entangling him instead. Fail.) Ugh, can't see! Can't see!
Take 2
(Successfully wraps Quasi in cape but Quasi immediately fall, dragging Frollo along and they both plummet to the floor. Ouch.)
Quasimodo: Can't…feel…toes.
Frollo: I think I broke my hip. Badly.
Director: Come on, people! We're behind schedule here!
Frollo: (Whispers.) B*****d.
Quasimodo: (Whispers also) A**hole.
Directors: What was that?!
Both: Nothing.
'Quasimodo getting tortured' scene
(The peasants fling rotten fruit at Quasi whom does a great job at looking terrified. Suddenly, a tomato hits him in the eye.)
Quasimodo: No!!! Not tomatoes!!!! I'm deathly allergic to tomatoes!!!! (Begins swelling up and a rash rapidly spreads over him.)
Director: Somebody get a doctor before Quasi blows and it starts raining little hunchbacks!!!!
'Sanctuary' scene
(Frollo grabs the baby from Quasi's mum but she refuses to let go. No matter how hard he pulls.)
Frollo: Uh, Natasha, you supposed to let go now.
Natasha: But why? I only get ten minutes of screen time, then I get my head kicked before landing on those really hard stone steps. I mean come on, don't I deserve a bit more screen time?
Frollo: Look, I talked to the Director and he was adamant about you dying.
Natasha: What happened to you not stop trying until you succeeded? Like what you promised me in you dressing room late last night during our…'rehearsal'?
Esmeralda: (Storms on camera.) Whoa, you slept with her while lusting after me?!
Natasha: You lusted after her while sleeping with me?!
Frollo: Uh…camera's still rolling, girls.
Both gypsy girls: (Whom are now really pissed off.) Don't you dare change the subject, Claude Frollo!
Frollo: Help me.
Director: Ladies, we can settle this little affair AFTER shooting.
Both gypsy girls: You better have a good explanation after the movie, Frollo.
Frollo: (Runs hand through hair, frustrated.) Suddenly, I really wished I did fall off that gargoyle and burnt in that fiery pit.
A/N: Well that's all I got for now. I'll continue soon. Leave reviews and ideas, okay?
