Disclaimer: The original SVU characters belong to Dick Wolf & NBC Universal. I've just borrowed them for entertainment purposes only. The story is all mine though, so I hope you enjoy it. Feel free to let me know in a review or fifty…lol.
She'll probably never admit it but she loves watching animal stories on the Science Channel. It's humans she's done trying to figure out so, she's moved on to being educated about various other species.
One of the network's shows did a special on the octopus touting it as, "The world's most intelligent invertebrate."
They placed one of the eight tentacled beasts in a plexiglass tank. It was challenged with retrieving a fish from a complicated container with multiple lids. Each one opened in a different way. And no matter how they turned the container, the octopus always found a way inside.
Olivia feels the same way about her former partner. No matter how she tried to keep Elliot out, he kept finding his way in. It's been awhile since she's thought about him-them really-nearly two years. She doesn't have close friends like that anymore.
Because of her hours and work schedule those she had in college have now fallen into the acquaintance category.
Anyone she has a drink with every once in awhile are usually like her. They work in some way, shape, form or fashion within the criminal justice system.
She wants…something or someone that has nothing to do with the darkness she sees everyday. She wants a reason to do simple things like remember how to smile, take pleasure in the silliness of a water fight or watch a slapstick comedy.
Twenty years on the same job and not nearly enough vacations from it. If police work in and of itself is stressful, then her work in Special Victims can be down right traumatic. Fortunately, she's found new allies in Amaro and Rollins for the war they fight every day.
But, she's…tired.
Olivia is headed for burnout and she knows it.
Too many times her captain has had to make her take time off knowing she was running herself ragged or God forbid see Huang or some other shrink.
But, not this time.
This time it was some asshole who managed to get a round off into her left shoulder before she put two in his chest.
It was a clean shoot if you can ever call having someone else's blood on your hands clean. And yeah, he was a murdering bastard who had tried to kill her but…still.
When you take someone else's life, as much as they may have deserved it, a righteous person will feel bad for it.
Her room is cold, impersonal and smells like antiseptic as all hospital rooms do. The vertical blinds are open revealing an overcast day, a clear reflection of the dismal turn her life has taken as of late.
The usual parade of people has been there to see her. Cragen, Munch, Fin, Alex and Casey have all been by. Nick and Amanda too. She held out an ounce of hope that David would visit. But she knows how it would've looked. And she can't believe she made the same mistake with Cassidy. She's glad he hasn't stopped in. He did send flowers though.
Bayard Ellis' visit was a pleasant surprise. He's become a good friend and confidant even though she was pissed at him for awhile for blowing up things between her and David. But seeing as though her list of friends is a short one, Olivia decided to forgive him.
She's even managed to make it to a couple of the softball games he coaches for his daughter. It was theraputic for her, coming into contact with children who, to her knowledge, hadn't been victimized.
Sometimes she wishes her mother had had the inclination, the time or was sober long enough for her to have been involved in such carefree social activities. Wishful thinking on her part.
Being shot for the first time apparently lends oneself to introspection. Only Olivia can't stand to look for too long. The thought of a long successful career is great. She loves what she does, she knows she's good at it and every now and then she feels like it makes a difference in somebody's life.
But what does she truly have to show for it?
She's not a crier. There are times when she gets choked up over a rare happy ending like Jeannie's or when she feels emotionally overwhelmed by a case but she rarely openly weeps. She hasn't allowed herself that release since…well…since he left.
Warm tears moisten her cheeks now. If she had to venture a guess she'd say she was crying for herself, her life.
She did almost die today.
And though all of her work colleagues would be in attendance at her funeral, she knows none of those people really know her well enough-love her enough-to know how she'd want things.
She's lying in the hospital with a hole in her chest, blessed to be still among the living and she's crying because there'd be no one to plan her funeral. Pitiful.
Olivia wipes angrily at her face, ashamed at the pathetic thoughts her most recent brush with death has left her with.
She takes a deep painful breath and tries to think about something else like what she's going to do with three weeks of forced vacation. Fortunately the pain medication doesn't leave her with the desire or the energy for prolonged rumination or self pity. Her eyelids fall heavy and she soon falls asleep.
It's how he finds her an hour into her slumber.
She's beautiful he thinks but he's always known that. Many a suspect, perp or fellow cop had been none too happy to make him aware. Everyone was always a little bit in love with her. Him more than anyone though it's something he could never admit to himself until recently, let alone say aloud.
He was married, and even after he'd signed the divorce papers, they just hadn't worked that way. Both, he believes were too chicken-shit at the thought of screwing with their partnership. Lord knows how things would have gone if Tucker got a mere whiff of them being anything more than what they were.
When he'd heard Olivia had been shot, it was all he could do not to track the bastard down himself and kill him. However in true Olivia Benson fashion, she'd already taken care of the problem.
With everything in him that needed to make a clean break, those same parts equally had a visceral need to make sure she was okay for himself.
He moves the few steps to her bed to take her in. Her naturally golden skin is now pallid. Olivia's hair seems longer, wavier than he remembers with various honey-brown streaks. And, there are very small worry lines on her forehead as her face contorts with whatever disturbing dreams she's having.
"No," she moans.
Elliot wants to wake her but doesn't know if seeing him would be better or worse than the images bombarding her nightmares.
"Don't," she continues.
Olivia begins to stir more and he notices her chest rising and falling quicker than it had mere seconds ago. Her heart monitor reflects her agitation as it begins to beep erratically.
A short, middle aged African-American woman in colorful scrubs comes into the room just as Olivia's eyes pop open scanning her surroundings. Her badge says Regina H., RN.
"I think she was having a nightmare," he says, so Regina doesn't think he's the source of her irregular heart beat.
Olivia looks at Elliot as if she's seeing a ghost which does nothing to calm her. Her brow is sweaty and her eyes are wide with surprise for a moment before recognizing her visitor. She fists the bleached sheets of her bed, her lips are slightly parted and her eyebrows are knit in confusion while her breaths come in rapid succession.
"I think it would be best if you left sir," the nurse advises.
Elliot takes two steps towards the door when she stops him.
"No," Olivia rasps before clearing her throat. "Stay."
"You should really be resting detective," informs Regina. "You haven't been too long out of surgery."
Her heartbeat and her respiration gradually return to normal as she focuses on breathing steadily.
"I'm fine…really," she tells the nurse as she calms herself.
"Okay," the nurse says. "But first," she begins. Regina takes Olivia's vitals, makes sure her I.V. is adequate and ensures her machines' numbers are in a normal range. "Hit your button if you need anything," she concludes, eying Elliot with suspicion before leaving.
And then there were two.
Olivia wants him to leave and stay all at the same time. It's been months and despite her present circumstances, she's doing just fine without him.
But, in order to be a successful detective you have to be damned nosey. And Olivia's curiosity as to what's brought him to her after such a long period of time is the only reason that she has yet to kick him out.
Elliot takes hesitant steps towards her bed. He stands next to her with both hands stuffed into his front jeans pockets, eying his sneakers and avoiding eye contact like a child about to be scolded. Periodically he looks at the door as if memorizing it's location in case he needs to make a swift exit.
Olivia takes a moment to look him over. His eyes are less haunted and he doesn't appear to be missing any workouts. And the ridiculous Hawaiian shirt he's wearing tells her he's taking life a lot less seriously these days. It must be nice.
"What are you doing here," she asks, breaking the silence of the moment. Olivia combs her fingers through her hair before simply resting her hands over her stomach.
He takes a breath like she's asked him some complicated question. Elliot finally raises his eyes to hers and it looks like he's struggling with something.
"I-I just wanted to make sure that you were okay," he explains.
"No calls, no emails, no text messages," she begins. "Why do you care all the sudden?"
Elliot is trying to remember that they are no longer partners and he doesn't have to worry about saying something inappropriate or something that will change their dynamic. He wants for once, to say what he's feeling instead of over thinking it.
"Don called when you were in surgery," he informs her. "I was worried…scared."
Olivia doesn't know what to do with that. The man that stands before her can't be the same person who hated to discuss his feelings, his fears. Curiosity gets the better of her again wanting to know all the other ways he's different.
"Well as you can see," she begins. "Rumors of my demise were greatly exaggerated."
He transfers his weight from one leg to the other and scratches behind his ear before giving her a small smile.
"How long are you out for," he asks, changing the subject.
"Three weeks," she responds. "Then three more for ass duty before I have to re-qualify on the range," she says, taking an exasperating breath. "How've you been," she asks, studying him for other nuances.
"Better now that I know that you're okay," he answers, holding her gaze.
She knits her eyebrows together to peer at him like he's suddenly grown a second head. All of his touchy feely honesty is confusing the hell out of her.
"Thanks but," she begins. "I mean with everything that happened," she clarifies.
"You're laying there with a hole in your shoulder asking how I'm doing," he tells her. "Some things never change."
"A lot has," she quips back.
Elliot looks away again, crossing his arms over his chest. He takes a breath and looks at her for a minute, then gives her the hint of a smile.
"I'm good," he tells her finally answering her question.
They both eye each other with a strange mix of familiarity and newness. Neither of them are the people they were when he left. Elliot seems to be softer and Olivia seems to be harder.
"I should've come before now," he says hurriedly.
"Elliot-
"No. I could've come to you-talked to you long before today," he babbles on. "Things shouldn't have ended for us the way they did."
She thought she'd be pissed when she saw him again. The short note he sent her with his replica badge couldn't have been a worse goodbye. But she's over it.
"Twelve years is a long time to be in each other's lives," she tells him. "It would've been nice to talk about it," she admits.
"Retiring wasn't something I felt I had a choice in doing," he reasons. "But it didn't involve you."
Olivia feels dizzy all the sudden, nauseous as her mouth hangs slightly open. Then she clamps it shut so tight her jaw muscles ache.
"Bullshit," she tells him trying to remain calm. "If it affected you it affected me, we were partners."
"I had to do it," he says adamantly. "You know what I was up against," he adds letting a bit of his old self come through.
"And you knew the same about me Elliot," she says as her heart monitor shows a slight elevation.
"What are you talking about," he asks taking the chair next to the bed, leaning towards her.
"A year and a half ago I had this job and you along with it," she begins. "No real family, you were my best friend and the kids I love just so happen to be yours," she confesses as her eyes suddenly moisten. "You knew all that and it didn't stop you from acting like a selfish asshole."
Elliot was aware that severing their partnership would hurt her because it'd done the same to him. He just hadn't realized how much until now.
"I don't mean putting in your papers," she continues. "You put in your time. You deserved that," taking breaths to stave off her tears. She refuses to cry in front of him, because of him. "I mean leaving me out of the loop," she adds, looking anywhere but at him.
"You're right," he tells her. "But I knew if I talked to you-if I'd so much as seen your face that I wouldn't be able to make that decision," he asserts. "The thought of someone else being your partner and watching your back was something that I didn't want to deal with," he continues. "Actually talking to you about it would make it real," he rasps. "I didn't want it to be real." he concludes in a near whisper.
She reaches up to swipe away at a rogue tear running down her cheek when his hand stops her. Elliot reaches over and takes her other hand. It's so warm and the sudden touch is a surprise as he gets up to lean over her.
He wipes the tear away with the pad of his thumb letting his hand linger on her face. It's not something any of their previous hospital visits have ever included.
"I'm sorry," he rasps, just inches away from her face. Even though she deserved those words from him, Olivia had resolved herself to the fact that she'd likely never hear his voice again.
There are two knocks at the door before Regina walks in.
"I'm sorry but visiting hours are over," she tells them. Feeling like she's interrupted a moment, she quietly backs out of the room.
Elliot never releases her hand or removes his from her cheek. He leans over placing a chaste kiss on her forehead. Olivia closes her eyes in response.
"I should go," he tells her, releasing her to stand up. "You need to rest."
"Right," she tells him, unable to come up with anything more intelligible. "Okay."
He squeezes her hand and then takes the few steps to the door.
"Bye Liv," he says, using her nickname for the first time since entering her room.
"Bye El," she responds, doing the same.
With the closing of the door she allows the tears to fall freely. They are for them, what they had and what she foolishly thought would last until they were old and gray.
Olivia's learned her lesson. No matter how much they try, no one else is going to get in. It hurts too damned much when they leave.
Well, well…what'd ya think?
