The night seemed to be the hardest part for her. The longest, most unendurable hours of her day. The loneliest hours, she admitted only to herself.

Because Casey Cartwright was strong. She was independent. She didn't need Evan to make her feel good about herself. She didn't need Evan to help her get where she wanted to be.

She was there. She was the President of the most prestigious sorority on campus and she hadn't needed his help getting here at all. She had done it on her own.

And all day long she went through her life telling herself and everyone else that she was fine. She didn't mind being alone, in fact, she needed some time to herself.

That was the lie. That was the mask she wore to fight off the pity, the sympathetic looks and words that really meant nothing to those that said them.

She lied to everyone. To Rusty, who was constantly at her side lately, asking her if she was alright. To Ashleigh, who never believed her when she told her repeatedly that she was okay without Evan. To all the other girls in the sorority who looked to her for guidance and leadership.

She lied to all of them, but most importantly, she lied to herself.

She had never been okay with being alone. She hated it, in fact. The ability to self-sooth was one she had never mastered. She had never had to.

When she was an infant, she was the light in her parents eyes and they doted affection and attention on her. After Rusty was born, she had a built-in playmate for her younger years, a partner in crime that was never more than a few feet away from her. Once she started school, she had her friends. She always had friends, lots of friends. She was the type of girl that people flocked to. And there was certainly never a need to feel alone once puberty hit and boys entered the picture.

She thought, perhaps that was the reason she had latched onto Ashleigh and Cappie so hard in freshman year. Stepping onto the campus, that first day, she had actually felt alone for the first time in her life and she worked quickly to change that.

She let her mind drift over the last year and she realized that she had felt more alone in the last few months, than she ever had in her life. And that was even with Evan on her arm.

Evan had somehow managed to make her feel more alone than anyone ever had. He hadn't meant to do it. She knew that. Nothing that had happened between them was malicious or purposefully hurtful. She was certain that he had never intentionally hurt her. The problem was that he had never intentionally NOT hurt her, and that hurt worse.

It made her feel as if her feelings were completely inconsequential to him. Like what she thought and felt didn't matter.

She really thought she knew him, before everything that happened between them. She thought she understood him. How could she have missed how completely self centered he was ? How could something so significant about his character have escaped her attention ?

She glanced at the bright pink ' Hello Kitty ' clock on the wall above her desk and saw that it was getting late and she sighed deeply. Another useless night spent in her room.

She was in a funk. She refused, absolutely refused, to call it a depression. She did not get depressed. It wasn't her style. It was simply a lull in activity. And she certainly refused to admit that her break up with Evan was to blame. That was completely out of the question.

No one, not even herself, was allowed to know how much losing him had hurt, how badly she missed him. No one could know that she had one of his shirts that still smelled like him and she slept with it every night. No one could know that she still had the last message he ever sent her saved on her phone so she could replay it whenever she needed to hear his voice. And certainly no one could find out about all the pictures of the two of them she still had stashed in an out-of-the-way file on her computer so it couldn't be found easily.

No, no one could know any of those things. Those were all things best kept to herself.

After all, she knew how to play this game. She was a champion at it, as a matter of fact. Not even Ashleigh knew about the shoe box that she kept under her bed, the one with all of her and Cappie's pictures. Not even her best friend had found the bottle of cologne that she had. The one Cappie always wore. She had never told a soul about the DVD she still had of the two of them at a party together, back when everything was still so right between them. The one she watched and cried over when she missed him so bad she couldn't stand it anymore.

Casey was not a person who easily put the past behind her and moved on. She clung to it, like a security blanket, letting herself delve into to its comfortable familiarity when things became to much for her to handle.

But that was a secret she would never tell. A sorry, pathetic little tidbit about herself that would ruin the image she made for herself if it ever got out.

A sentimental pack rat, that was what she was. She couldn't bring herself to get rid of the things that had once meant so much to her, a strip of pictures from a photo booth, the stuffed animal Cappie had won for her at the fair, an umbrella from the coconut glass they shared at her first Mount Vesuvius party.

All those things meant more to her than anything else she owned. They were her past, her memories, the things that made her who she was.

After all, wasn't a person really just a compilation of the memories they collected through their life ? Lessons learned came from memories of both good and bad experiences. And she had had her shared of hard lessons learned.

The most important, at the moment being, Be yourself, if you don't, you just might forget who you really are.

That was exactly how she felt, as if, she had forgotten who she was for a time. For such a long time, in fact, she had forgotten and now it was time to remember.

Was it her that liked the song playing on the radio or was it the girl that was always draped on Evan's arm, the girl she used to be ? Was it the real her that liked chocolate ice cream, or was that the even less familiar girl that was always sitting at Cappie's side ?

Everyday, all day, she played a part. The perfect college student doing her best to fulfill all her teachers demands on her, the perfect girlfriend, doing her best to make sure her boyfriend never needed anything, the perfect sorority girl, doing her best to see to it that the house ran as effectively and efficiently as possible.

All the pretending was making her tired. She was sure she had never been more tired in her life. All the balls she was juggling, all the roles she had assigned herself, every one of them took a little piece of the real Casey Cartwright away.

Was this how life was supposed to be ? Was this the beginnings of the fabled ' Grown Up World ' that she had longed to belong to all her life ? If it was, she was not at all certain, Cappie didn't have the right idea. Best to fight against it with all your might.

Cappie, just the thought of him still brought a flutter to her stomach that she despised. She hated herself for still feeling anything for him. It was over. It had been over for more than a year and a half now. It was time to stop feeling the things she felt for him every time he popped up in her life. It was time for her to move past all that they had shared and put him where he belonged. In her nostalgic, sentimental pack rat file.

But he just didn't seem to fit there. As many times as she had tried to deny that there was still something between them, she knew that was yet another lie she told everyone. And, she suspected, it was the most unconvincing one she used.

But then why would anyone believe that she was over him when every time they were alone together, somehow they found themselves in each others arms ? It was as if her mind and body weren't functioning on the same level , weren't listening to each other. Her mind constantly insisted that she didn't want to kiss him, didn't want to feel his arms around her again, didn't want to hear the sound of his quiet sigh as he leaned into her. But her body was on a much more basic level. Seeing him, being near him, only invoked her most primitive responses, want, need, touch.

She realized early on in her relationship with Evan that those responses weren't the same with him and she had no idea what that meant. Furthermore, she didn't care to give it too much thought. Mostly because she was afraid of the conclusion she would reach.

She did love Evan. Just not in the same insanely passionate way she once loved Cappie. She did need Evan, just not in the same desperately longing way she once needed Cappie. Her relationship with Evan was stable, it was mature and solid and steady.

Wasn't that what love really meant ? A love that didn't cause so much heartbreak, that didn't turn your insides out when things weren't going well, a love that gave you comfort instead of just more stress.

The hopeless romantic in her, that she never let out and pretended didn't exist wanted to scream that, of course that wasn't what love meant. Love was all about the heartbreak, the miserable uncertainty, the off balanced way it made you feel. It was spontaneous and passionate and desperate and terrifying.

She had never felt those things with Evan. Well, the heartbreak had been there, but only because of his own betrayal. That was different.

Sometimes, in the late hours of the night, she wondered if all the pain she had suffered from Evan wasn't some kind of Karma coming back to bite her in ass. After all, she hadn't been very kind to Cappie when she left.

She had done what she had to do to get through the whole miserable thing. She turned cold and bottled up everything she was feeling, refusing to let the look in his eyes get to her, refusing to acknowledge how much pain she was in as well.

She jump nearly a foot out of her chair, startled by the sudden ringing of her cell phone. She knew from the ring tone, it was Rusty.

She glanced back at the clock. It was well after eleven, what could Rusty want at this hour ?

She snatched it up and pressed the talk button a tad more forcefully than necessary, irritated at being bothered so late.

" What ? " she snapped.

" Did I wake you up ? " His voice was quiet and somber on the other end of the line.

" No, of course not, what's up ? "

" I was wondering if you would come to Dobbler's with me. I need to get out of here for a while and I don't want to go out by myself. " He said.

" Are you okay ? " She asked, trying to figure out what had him sounding so down. " You sound weird. "

He hesitated for a moment before clearing his throat. " I'm okay, " Like he was trying to convince himself as well as her. " I just don't want to sit here again tonight, alone. "

She let a small smile tug at the corners of her lips. Rusty was going through exactly the same thing she was, only it was worse for him, because it was his first time, his first heartbreak. " I'll meet you there in twenty minutes. "

" Thank you. I knew you'd understand. " he told her before hanging up.

And he was right, she did understand. She understood far too well. At least Jen had had the decency to more or less disappear from the radar. Rusty didn't have to deal with seeing her everywhere he went. She wasn't standing there across the hall giving him a look that clearly said all that had happened between them was his fault. Not like Evan.

It seemed to Casey that she had seen more of Evan since their breakup than she had when they were together. Every class, she bumped into him in the hall. Every party she went to, he was there as well. It was funny to her that when they were together, he always told her that he hated the whole party atmosphere. He always wanted to stay home instead of going out, unless it was an Omega Chi event or a ZBZ party he couldn't get out. Even then, he always begged off early. Now it appeared as if he had a change of heart, because he was hitting every party on campus. She had even spotted his rather drunken form at the last Kappa Tau mixer.

She grabbed her plush, pink ZBZ zip front hoodie and tossed it over her shoulders. She wasn't about to dress up just to go let Rusty cry on her shoulder for a well. Still, she couldn't look awful. She had an image to uphold. So she ran a brush through her medium length blond hair quickly and put on a bit of lip gloss before grabbing her keys and heading out the door.

She was opening her car door when she changed her mind and decided to walk to Dobblers instead. It wasn't far and she could definitely use the exercise. She hadn't been getting near enough lately. And she could tell by the tightness in her favorite blue jeans that used to be a touch loose.

Now that was something she could not let happen. She was in no way going to let her breakup with Evan cause her to gain weight. She would starve before that came about.

She wasn't even a block from the house, strolling casually down the leaf strewn sidewalk when she heard someone coming up behind her.

With a quick glance over her shoulder, she felt her stomach do it's familiar flip flop and turned immediately away from Cappie as he caught up with her and fell into step beside her.

" Where are you heading on such a lovely evening ? Meeting the latest fling for some secret rendezvous ? " He asked with a smile in her direction.

" I'm meeting Rusty. He was feeling a little down and needed some cheering up. " she answered, refusing to smile back at him. " Not that I would tell you if I was meeting my latest fling since my flings are none of your business. "

He pretended not to hear her biting remark. " You know, I tried to help Rusty out this weekend. I wanted to set him up with a little hottie to get his mind off what's her name. But he wouldn't go for it. Completely refused. "

Casey huffed and lowered her eyes to the pavement at her feet. " Well, I guess, unlike some of us, he would rather not just jump into bed with the warmest thing that comes close to him. "

Cappie chuckled this time and the sound caused a strange tightness in her chest. " I guess we all deal with our grief in our own way. " He knew full well that she was talking about him taking up with some random girl right after Casey left him.

" Was there something you wanted ? " She asked, stopping abruptly. " Or were you just in the mood to harass someone and I just happened by. " She turned to him for the first time. Her eyes meeting his caused her heartbeat to skip for a moment before it found its correct rhythm again.

" I actually just wanted to offer you my condolences. I heard about your breakup and I wanted to say I'm sorry. " He told her taking a step closer to her.

She rolled her eyes and sighed deeply. " Or more to the point, you were looking for your opportunity to step in and take Evan's place. "

He stepped back immediately and she refused to acknowledge the disappointment she suddenly felt.

" As a matter of fact, that never occurred to me. You made your feelings pretty clear while we were doing that paper together. So I did what I should have done a long time ago. "

She looked at him expectantly, urging him to continue. " I got over you. " he said finally.

" You got over me. " She repeated. " Just like that. You just decided to get over me. If it were that easy for you, why didn't you do it a year ago ? "

His face fell and his eyes turned to the ground. Casey thought she was a shadow of that familiar hurt cross his face. " I guess I just wasn't convinced it was really over until then. "

" And what exactly convinced you then, when I've been trying to tell you that for so long ? " she said, startled at how genuine his confession sounded.

He shuffled his feet and looked anywhere but at her. " I don't know really. It just felt like it was time to move on. "

Casey's phone chirped from its hidden place in her pocket and she grabbed it, knowing once again it was Rusty, and answered it quickly.

" I'm on my way. " she said immediately. " Keep your shirt on. "

" I was just making sure you hadn't changed your mind. " he said, still sounding downcast and mopey.

" I would have called if I had. I'll be there in a few minutes. I'm not that far away. " she answered, taking the moment of distraction to really look at the man standing in front of her.

He looked better than she had seen him look in a long time. Or was that her own loneliness making his blue eyes seem to sparkle as he watched her ? Or his normally messy hair shine where it fell over his brow so casually ? Were his shoulders really broader or was that just his snuggly-fit red t-shirt making them appear so ?

She took a deep breath and tried to stamp down the feelings churning through her chest as she looked at him so critically. Whatever she once had with Cappie was over. He just told her himself, even he had moved on.

After listening to Rusty whine for a more seconds, she snapped her phone shut and replaced it in her pocket.

" So, I'm heading to Dobblers, do you want to come along ? I'm sure Rusty wouldn't mind if you tagged along on for his cheer up party. " She had no idea what prompted her to ask. The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them.

He looked at her with stunned disbelief in his eyes. " Are you really consenting to spend time with me without having to ? "

Was she really like that with him ? Had she distance herself so much that he was startled by her niceness ? She realized that that was exactly what she had done. She had become almost cruel in her dealings with Cappie and she had never meant that to happen. She wasn't, after all, angry with him. She was angry at herself, for not being able to be around him without feeling that nearly desperate pull to be in his arms. And she had no right to blame him for that, or to take it out on him. It wasn't his fault that she hadn't be able to get over him.

" I guess I can endure your company for one evening. " she smiled, letting him know that she was teasing him.

He manged a smile back at her and they stared off walking in the direction of the campus hang out.

They walked in silence for a while, neither feeling the need to say anything more than they had already said to each other. It was over. They both understood that now and it was a good thing. Maybe, she thought musingly, they could finally manage to become the friends she had wanted them to be all along.

She had missed him. Missed his company. Missed the easy, carefree way he looked at the world, missed the amusing banter that passed between them. She missed laughing and Cappie always made her laugh. She realized she hadn't laughed in so long she scarcely remember what it felt like.

" Hey, " he said, breaking the silence and brushing his hand against hers. " What's blond and beautiful and says 'ow' ? " At that moment, he reached over and pinched her on the shoulder, causing her to cry out with the expected exclamation of, " OW ! "

He laughed and she joined him feeling as if he had just read her mind.