Jaded
Summary: Bella has her own secrets, and finally snaps when Edward breaks up with her. Turns out she can be a bitch when pushed to the breaking point. In this state Jake is too sweet to fix her; she needs someone with a dark side. She needs a friend with no romantic complications, she needs Leah. Rated M because I use swear words as punctuation and there could be lemons since I'm not sure what kind of shenanigans these girls will get into ;) Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to Stephenie Meyer; no copy write infringement is intended.
Chapter 1
"Not Enough"
BPOV
I can't believe this is happening. Edward is standing here in the woods telling me that it's over. I'm trying to listen but all I'm hearing in my head is my mother telling me that Charlie never fought for me, so she was stuck with me. I hear Renee's voice as she tells me I have to go to Forks because she is ready to move on. I picture this past year here, with Charlie hardly speaking to me, never getting too close, and keeping me shut out. I thought I had finally found someone who finally wanted me, who thought I was worth fighting for. Turns out I'm wrong. As I feel my heart pounding and breaking, I try to keep my mouth shut, but I know I'm going to break. I'm now focused on the words Edward is saying and as he says, "It will be like I never existed," I snap. I hear this strange maniacal laughter.
As adrenaline floods my body I realize that I'm laughing. Next thing I know, I've lost my brain to mouth filter. "You know, Edward, you've always wanted to read my mind, well you want to know what I'm thinking right now?" I don't even give him time to respond as I launch into a full blown tirade. "Fuck you! That's right; fuck you and the horse you rode in on. It'll be like you never existed? What kind of bull shit is that? I'll tell you, it's the kind of bull shit a boy says. If you never wanted me then put on your big boy panties and say it! Not you, no not 'holier than thou' Edward, with his perfect morals!" I'm trying to hold back tears because I'll be damned if I'll let him see that he has broken me. "I've been everything you asked me to be. I've kept your secret. I was willing to give my life for you. I already gave you my heart, and what do you do with it? You stomp all over it." I'm so mad at this point I'm seeing red and without even thinking I want to hurt Edward the only way I can. "At least you were right about one thing; clearly you are just a soulless monster, and so are the rest of them." I practically spit out the words because I can't even mention their names. "They all let me in because of you and then once again, you unilaterally make a decision without talking to me, so I don't even get a good-bye from them. Let me guess I'm not good enough for them either." Edward is standing statue still just taking everything I have to dish out, without even a glimmer of remorse in his eyes.
As the adrenaline leaves me, I look down and mumble "Fine, I get it; breakable Bella Barbie isn't good enough for anyone. I'm not good enough for my family or yours. Got it. So you can go now, but it will never be like you never existed, not for me anyway." When I look up Edward is gone. I don't even know if he heard the last part. I'm not ready to go home, so I start to mindlessly wonder the forest. As I trip over a fallen log I decide that is as good a place as any to stop and let it all go.
I sit in the forest and think about my life, about my secret that no one knows. I'll never be enough. It's a lame secret as far as secrets go, but that's me; even my secrets aren't good enough. A lot of children are adored and loved by their parents. Not me. When Renee left with me, Charlie didn't even fight the custody agreement. Even at two years old, I wasn't enough for my dad to fight for. Renee only kept me for the child support, and I had to take on adult responsibilities young.
Then she met Phil and I wasn't even good enough as a "paycheck" anymore. When I met Edward, I thought I was finally worth something. Stupid me, I thought that since he saved my life from Tyler's van that he valued my life. I was wrong. I thought that since he saved me from James that I was worth fighting for. I was wrong. I thought I was enough for the first time in my life, and it turns out I wasn't. I was just a pet. I wasn't even enough for him to keep around just for his amusement. He was done toying with me, they all were. The Cullen pet wasn't fun anymore. Clearly they all thought I wasn't enough to keep around.
I played Bella Barbie for Alice, not enough. I played dutiful daughter to Carlisle, not enough. I kept my distance for Jasper's comfort, not enough. I was the respectful child for Esme, not enough. I was kind to Rosalie, no matter how bitchy she was, not enough. I took all of Emmett's jokes in stride, not enough. I held back for Edward, to not burden him, not enough. I thought I was everything they wanted me to be, not enough. Instead of hearing my heart beat, all I hear are the words 'not enough' hammering in my chest and echoing in my ears.
I look around at the now dark forest and realize, I'm completely alone. I'm not even enough to look for. I'm done, I'm so fucking done. I let the tears fall as I stand, then I lift my head to the sky and scream, I just let it all out.
My throat is raw from my animalistic cries, but I don't care. I continue to shout and cry until I'm hiccupping and gasping, I must have hyperventilated and passed out because the next thing I know I'm being carried by a large, hot Native American man and being placed on Charlie's couch. Huh, guess someone finally got curious enough to look for me. I'm sure it's just for appearances; we wouldn't want anyone to know that the Chief of Police doesn't really care enough to bother to find out where his kid is.
I know people are talking around me and a Doctor is asking me questions but I just ignore them all. I go back to listening to my 'not enough' heartbeats as I decide that I'm sick of being the girl everyone expects me to be. From now on I'm going to do whatever I feel like at the time. It's not like anyone is going to care. After all, I'm just the girl who isn't enough.
A/N I know Bella seems like a whiny, self pitying brat right now, but she'll get better when she and Leah become friends. Please stick with me; she has a lot of healing to do. This is my first story so please be gentle.
