AN: This is my first foray into fanfic so please let me know what you think!
Disclaimer: Much as I wish I did, I do not own them.
It didn't feel real. O'Halloran was young, smart, and had his whole life ahead of him. It hadn't sunk in yet that he was gone. That Stuckey had killed him. Everything about this case was unbelievable. There was a part of Elliot that felt guilty for O'Halloran's death. For the death of Julia Zimmer. For what happened to Liz Donnelly.
"Maybe if he hadn't given Stuckey such a hard time, none of this would have happened. Olivia had known Stuckey couldn't handle it. She treated him like a young child; she was sensitive, forgiving, patient, and she always knew how to talk people down from the ledge. She had done it for him countless times and that night she had done it for Stuckey. She was not afraid, or at least she didn't seem to be. She knew exactly what to do and it amazed Elliot. It was only one of many things that amazed him about her.
Another thing was her laugh. When Olivia laughed, her eyes opened wide for a second before scrunching up, her mouth fell open, and her head threw back, leaving her long and elegant neck on display. Elliot was absolutely mesmerized by the sight of it. He wasn't sure what exactly she was laughing about right now. The whole squad along with Alex and Melinda had gone to a bar around the corner from the 1-6. They were all sharing stories of O'Halloran and everyone was laughing.
The sound of clinking glasses pulled Elliot out of his reverie. "To O'Halloran. Gone way too soon," Fin said.
"To O'Halloran," everyone answered back. Olivia was sitting to him and put her hand over his on the table as she sipped her beer. He looked over at her and then down at their hands, and back up to meet her eyes, with question. She mouthed, You okay?
He nodded and she pulled her hand away before anyone noticed. After downing a sip of his beer, Elliot rejoined the conversation, "O'Halloran was good people."
"I know Fin is going to miss his drinking buddy," Alex said, obviously referencing a story Elliot had missed when he was in his own head. "But I am going to miss a CSU tech who actually preserved forensics and made my job a hell of a lot easier."
"Speaking of, I have a bunch of autopsies tomorrow and I have to testify in court bright and early so I better be going," Melinda said, putting her empty glass down in the middle of the table.
"Me too," Alex said.
"Me three," said Olivia, as she started standing up.
"Oh, come on ladies, don't leave just yet. None of you are drunk enough to go home with me," Munch protested.
"Yeah, Liv. What's the rush?" Elliot asked.
"Alright, Stabler. You can have Liv. I'll take Alex and Melinda," said Munch. Elliot shot him a dirty look before turning back to Olivia.
"I'm just ready to go. I'm not rushing. I had three drinks," Olivia responded, slipping her jacket on.
Elliot knew she might not respond favorably, she didn't like his overprotective side that much, but he had to try, "Can I drive you home, then?" He offered her his signature grin, hoping that would seal the deal.
She stopped for a minute and he could tell she was genuinely considering his offer. "Why not?" She shrugged. "Might as well save the cab fare."
Elliot smiled and threw forty bucks down on the table. "You two have a nice night," he winked at Munch and Fin.
As he walked out behind Olivia, he heard Fin grumble, "Man, why you gotta wink like that?"
Out on the street it was cooler than usual for the end of May. Olivia was wearing one of her many black leather jackets. It was the same one she had worn when she saved him from Stuckey just a few nights ago.
"So how are you doing after the other night? Your chest hurt?" She asked him as they fell into step. It was only a little after ten but the city was quiet and he could hear the car unlock from a few yards away.
"I'm alright."
"Yeah, you're so tough. He got you pretty bad, El," she said, ducking into the car. "Luckily I was there to save the day. After I slapped you around, of course."
He would have protested, but then she let out another one of her laughs and he was speechless. It wasn't often that he heard Olivia laugh, given their line of work. Every time she offered one up, he tucked it away for the nights when he lay in bed, remembering the tragedies they saw every day, and struggling to fall asleep.
"You're right, Liv. I'm lucky to have you," he said sincerely. She looked over at him and he saw a smile in her chocolate eyes.
Elliot invited himself up for one more beer, and after putting up a bit of a fight she acquiesced. He sat down on her couch, thinking about how he couldn't remember the last time he had been there. She handed him a cold Bud Lite and dropped down on the couch next to him.
"So how's little Eli doing?" She asked.
"He's good. Eighteen months, so he is walking like crazy and getting into all kinds of trouble. He's talking, though he's not making much sense. I thought I would be more involved in his life than I was with the other kids, but I don't know. It's definitely better, but I still don't get as much time with him as I'd like. I don't want to miss his life."
"You won't." She tried to assure him, but there was so much she didn't know.
"I don't know, Liv." He dropped his beer down on the table and rested his elbows on his knees, running his face through his hands.
"What is it, El? You can tell me anything," she said and he wondered if it was true. They knew almost everything about each other and yet there was so much they didn't say to one another. But he wasn't going to make the same mistake again. He didn't tell her last time and everything went to shit. They pushed each other away and she left and by the time they were getting back to normal, everything changed once more.
"Kathy and I…." he started. "We're done. I moved out again. We revisited the divorce papers and added Eli to the custody agreement. Should be final in the next few weeks. I'm only gonna get him every other weekend." He couldn't look at her face while she processed his words so he stared at a lamp on the opposite side of the room.
"No." She stood up and started pacing. "There's got to be some way we can fix this. What did you do? Did you forget to call home again when we were out on a case? When you went UC on the Bushido case she was this close to leaving. I begged her to stay and I promised her that your family mattered to you, El."
He took in her words. Normally he would have gotten defensive and even started an argument with her, but he just didn't have the energy right now. Instead he picked up his beer and took a long swig. He could tell his lack of response was agitating Olivia without even looking at her. He could feel her energy.
"Well?" She huffed. "Are you going to say something?"
"Sit with me," he said, finally looking at her. She was so beautiful when she was frustrated, and it was the first time in a long time that he allowed himself to notice. Her hair was long again and he decided he liked it best like this. His hands started to itch and he realized they want to slip through her soft locks. Instead he gripped the neck of his beer tighter.
Olivia had stopped pacing and their eyes met across the room, an entire conversation passing between them. After what seemed like hours but was actually just ninety seconds, Olivia sat back down next to him.
"Can I ask you something, Liv?"
"Only if you tell me what happened between you and Kathy." He had to give it to her. She was nothing if not tenacious.
"Honestly? I love Eli. He is one of the five loves of my life. I wouldn't change a hair on his head. But I never should have gone back to Kathy that night, and if we hadn't conceived Eli, we would have just went through with the divorce. We both knew it was over, but we still gave it our best effort. Ultimately, I realized we both deserve to be happy and that wasn't going to happen if we stayed together."
He heard Olivia take in a few deep breaths and he knew she couldn't believe he was opening up like that. She had probably expected just a few words and the most important points to be glossed over. He had surprised her. That made him smile.
"Okay?" He asked. "I answered your question, now you answer mine." She didn't speak and he took that as permission to ask. "You saw my mom, didn't you? Last year when everything happened with Kathleen, it was you who convinced her to talk to Kathleen, to get her to agree to take her meds. Wasn't it?"
It was now Olivia's turn to look down at her beer and avoid eye contact with Elliot. After a few seconds she stood up and strode over to the window, unlocking it and sliding up about a few inches. She braced her hands on the sill and rested her forehead against the cool glass.
"I'm not upset, Liv. I just need you to confirm what I already know. Just say the words."
"I did. I saw her, El. I'm sorry. I know you didn't want me to but I couldn't think of any other way to help your family," she said into glass.
"You don't have to apologize, Olivia. I want to thank you. You are always fixing my family and I don't know what I would do without you. But you don't have to fix it anymore. It's not your responsibility, it's mine. That's why I didn't tell you about leaving Kathy this time. I don't want you to fix this one, Liv." He stood up and walked over to her. She hadn't yet turned around and he kept half a foot of space between them but by the way she shivered when he got close, he knew that she could feel his breath on the back of her gorgeous neck. He was overcome with the urge to press his lips against the skin at the base of her neck. He fought that urge but he couldn't fight his desire to reach for her.
He wrapped his left arm around hers and tugged, hoping she would help him turn her body to face him. She got the message and turned, but he knew she was cautious. He wanted to ask if he could hug her, but he knew she would say no. So he bypassed her permission and pulled her into his arms. It took her a minute but she lifted her arms from her side and wrapped them around his waist. He buried his nose into the hair that had fascinated him for over ten years and inhaled slowly and deeply. He knew her smell, had sat in the sedan with her for hours on stakeouts with the windows up as the car absorbed the scent of lilies and vanilla, but experiencing it like this had him feeling drunk, even though he had only had two beers.
He sought out her left ear and tilted his head down, whispering, "You always put everyone else first, Liv. Who puts you first?"
She was silent. Elliot knew that no one had ever put Olivia first. Not even her mother. That was the problem. Serena had always put herself first, choosing to wallow in her misery rather than picking up the pieces left behind from her rape and being the mother that Olivia deserved. She would never admit it, but Elliot thought there was a small part of Olivia that blamed herself for her mother's alcoholism. That believed that if she could just be better, her mother wouldn't need to drink. He hated Serena for making her incredible daughter so insecure and closed off.
"Well, I am going to start. Okay?"
In the crook of his neck, he could feel her gently nod her head.
AN: Plenty more to come on this one...
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