The retail industry has taken the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just some fun and frolics that came out of my tiny little mind.
Scent of a Krieger
"For the last time, no Krieger!" Cyril snapped. The majority of the Figgis Agency were in the bullpen minus Mallory and Archer.
"Cyril's right," Lana said. "This is a bad idea!"
"Even I think this is a bad idea!" Cheryl added.
"And she doesn't think much of anything!" Pam added.
"Yeah!" Cheryl nodded.
"Oh, come on guys!" Krieger held up a bottle filled with liquid. "Creating a new perfume is an opportunity to make us millions!"
"More likely an opportunity to cost us millions," Ray quipped.
"I just need a really good name for it," Krieger added.
"How about Lawsuit Number Nine?" Ray quipped.
"J'Dumb Idea," Pam added.
"Closed Door," Cyril added.
"Viva La Stupid," Lana added.
"Hang on I have one," Cheryl paused. "Verboten. You know? As in it's German for forbidden? Which you should be from pretty much anything."
"Nice," Pam said.
"Every now and then I get a good one," Cheryl nodded.
"Look this is a can't miss opportunity," Krieger said. "Do you have any idea how many billions of dollars the perfume industry makes each year? Chanel alone goes for about 200 dollars a pop! And they've got like thirteen different scents by now. I mean they mostly sell the main two or three but still…"
"Krieger," Cyril sighed. "Have you forgotten the last time you tried this?"
"Because we haven't," Ray looked at him. "Krieger Diamonds was a disaster."
"Especially for Ernie Haynes," Pam nodded.
"Who's Ernie Haynes?" Krieger asked.
"Intern Number Twenty-Six," Pam gave him a look. "Of the forty-seven interns that got killed under your watch."
"I thought that number was much higher," Cheryl remarked.
"That's because I'm not counting the interns that went missing," Pam explained. "Or insane. We're talking about proven deaths."
Lana added. "And Ernie's wasn't a good one."
FLASHBACK! TO A CERTAIN SPY AGENCY BUILDING IN NEW YORK!
"For Christ's sake Krieger!" Mallory shouted as she looked at the corpse of a lab intern at his desk. "How did you kill this one?"
"I didn't! I mean…" Krieger paused as he looked at the corpse. "I was just testing perfume! Just a few dabs on his skin and…Well he must have had an allergic reaction."
"He was poisoned by perfume?" Lana gasped.
"Huh, pretty clever," Mallory remarked.
"Malory!" Lana gasped.
"Oh, spare me your shocked gasp," Mallory rolled her eyes. "This is a spy agency after all! Killing people in unusual ways is just part of the norm around here."
"I don't understand it," Krieger said. "All my other interns are just fine."
"Wait we could be poisoned?" Another intern in a lab coat gasped.
"If we were we'd be dead like Ernie," Another one said. "Wait, does this perfume have some kind of nut oil or base?"
"It has some peanut oil in it yes," Krieger said. "And a little cashew oil too."
"Well there you go," The second intern said. "Ernie had a severe peanut allergy. So…"
"Wait, that's a thing?" Krieger blinked.
"Well if we have to kill a double agent with a peanut allergy," Lana said dryly. "We'll know what to do. Besides using actual peanuts!"
"Or peanut butter," Krieger nodded. "Or peanut oil…"
"I should know better," Mallory groaned. "Than to expect results from the peanut gallery!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"At least it wasn't as gruesome as Frank Enberg," Pam admitted.
"Who?" Krieger blinked.
"Intern Number Twenty-Five," Pam sighed.
FLASHBACK!
On the floor of a lab was a half-melted body wearing what was left of a lab coat. "Okay," Krieger said to his staff. "Definitely used the wrong vial for that batch. I wondered what happened to that particular acid."
FLASHFORWARD!
"Ohhhhh," Krieger realized. "Fried Frank. Yeah that formula was way off!"
"What's way off?" Mallory walked in. "Other than…Name basically anything about you people."
"Krieger…" Ray began.
"Got it," Mallory groaned. "Who did he kill this time?"
"Nobody yet," Krieger was offended.
"He wants to try that stupid perfume scam again," Pam explained.
"Well it is a multi-billion-dollar business," Mallory remarked. "And if that Nazi loving bitch Chanel can profit from it, I don't see why I can't!"
"Whaaaaaaaa….?" Pam and Cheryl gasped.
"Wait what?" Lana asked.
"You never heard that story?" Mallory asked. "How Coco Klink was shacked up at the Hotel Ritz in France entertaining her German diplomat boyfriend? Not to mention making millions from patents stolen for her from Jewish owned businesses?"
"Wow," Pam blinked. "I can kind of see why that company would want to keep that on the down low."
"While I actually saved at least fifteen or twenty-three Jews during the war!" Mallory added. "Some people I saved could pass for Christians and they weren't exactly forthcoming so it was a toss-up. I didn't ask. They didn't tell."
"Ironically," Ray rolled his eyes.
"How's this for irony? I get nothing for my heroism but Coco Klink was able to get a pass!" Mallory mocked in a German accent. "I know nothing! Nooothing!"
"Technically that was Shultz…" Cyril corrected. "Never mind, it doesn't matter."
"Why do you think I never bought a bottle of that damned perfume?" Mallory asked.
"Hang on," Lana paused. "I've seen a bottle of Chanel perfume on your dresser!"
"That was a gift!" Mallory waved. "And at two hundred dollars a bottle I'm not going to pour it down the toilet! I hardly use it anyway."
"Interesting how you rationalize things," Lana said.
"Like it's the only thing from the Nazis she's ever used!" Pam snorted as she pointed at Krieger.
"Point taken," Lana shrugged. "But Mallory you're actually considering having Krieger make perfume again? After what happened the last two times?"
"I didn't use any acid this time!" Krieger said. "I'm sure I have a winner!"
"Then who's the loser that's going to test it out?" Pam asked. "Because I'm sure as hell not gonna do it!"
"Not it!" Ray added. "I've already lost a couple of limbs. Don't need to lose any more!"
"Well perfume is for women so…" Cyril looked at Lana and Cheryl.
"Nooooooooope!" Lana said.
"I'm with her!" Cheryl pointed at Lana. "Forget it! Even I'm not crazy enough to try your perfume! I actually like my skin!"
"Well if none of you will test it," Cyril realized. "How do we know this perfume will work?"
"Actually, I have a thought about that," Mallory spoke up. "Krieger can you make several small cards with samples of your perfume? You know like the testers fragrance departments have?"
"Yeah, why?" Krieger asked.
"Let's just call it market research," Mallory said. "And I know just the demographic."
"This does not bode well," Ray winced.
Later that afternoon at Mallory Archer's home…
"Okay I get why you brought me and Krieger here," Lana said to Mallory as they looked out of her living room window. "I guess you needed Ray and Pam to deliver all the samples to all the mailboxes of the people that live in your neighborhood."
"Which we did in no time flat," Pam remarked as she stood next to them eating a cookie.
"Mostly me," Ray said. He was at a table playing cards with Ron, Cyril and Cheryl.
"Well you are the one with bionic legs," Cyril shrugged as he looked at his cards.
"But why did all of us have to come here?" Lana asked Mallory.
"Because Ron's been complaining about not having any friends over so…" Mallory sighed. "Almost everyone must have their mail by now. We can later walk out and judge their reaction."
"Or more likely…" Pam said. "Watch the reactions of the side effects of the perfume from the safety of your house."
Mallory shrugged. "I'd be lying if I didn't say that wasn't a possibility."
"So basically," Lana sighed. "You sent these samples to all your neighbors so if something bad happened you wouldn't care."
"Would you care about a cow before you turn it into a steak?" Mallory snapped.
"Well not me personally," Pam spoke up. "My Dad however…"
"Pam!" Mallory snapped. "I have no interest what happened at Poovey Acres."
"Poovey Farms!" Pam corrected.
"Same difference!" Mallory groaned. "Every time you talk about your family I get visions of idiots of both genders with your face on it! And sound just like you!"
"I thought I was the only one who thought that," Lana was stunned.
"Me too," Krieger admitted. "Wow! That would be a fun sitcom!"
"Ehhh…" Mallory waved. "That would get old after a few episodes."
"You don't know that," Pam said defensively.
"You never know when California will get an earthquake again," Mallory said. "But odds are it will sooner or later. That and a TV show based on your family both sound like disasters!"
"Speaking of disasters…" Lana began.
Ron spoke up and put his cards down. "Full House!"
"God damn it," Ray groaned.
"Not again!" Cyril groaned.
"House of Cards!" Cheryl cheered. "Oh. I thought we were talking about TV shows."
"Finally, somebody who's better at cards than Ray," Lana said.
"Archer will have a hissy fit when I tell him that," Pam snickered.
"Why?" Krieger asked.
"Oh, you know Sterling," Mallory sighed. "Always has to be the best at everything."
"Never mind the fact he barely works hard to do that," Lana grumbled.
"Still mad at him over the whole him lying to the cops thing huh?" Pam looked at Lana.
"Well if he told the truth in the first place he wouldn't have ended up in a coma!" Lana snapped. "Sorry Mallory."
"Trust me Lana," Mallory grumbled. "I am as equally angry at his stupidity as I am at Veronica Deane for shooting him."
"Now what exactly happened with Veronica Deane again?" Cheryl spoke up. "Are we talking about it? No? Okay…"
"Let's focus on…" Lana paused. "This. How exactly are we going to know if the perfume samples are liked or not? Or if they don't melt anyone's skin off?"
"Well if we don't see any ambulances within the next few hours," Pam said. "Then we can at least assume that the perfume isn't lethal."
"It's not lethal!" Krieger protested. "Nothing is going to happen."
He paused and looked at the quiet neighborhood. "See? Nothing."
Then a loud scream was heard. "You were saying?" Lana groaned.
"Here we go…" Lana sighed as she looked out the window. "Who is that woman? And why is she running around screaming?"
"That's Mrs. Dulles," Mallory sighed. "And I don't know why she's running like that. Or swatting…Oh wait there's some small insects she's trying to fight off."
"There's someone else running around," Pam noticed. "And there are insects around her too."
"That's Mrs. Henderson," Mallory said. "And those look like…"
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
"Bees," Mallory groaned.
"Uh oh," Krieger winced. "I think I added too much flower extract."
"Eehhh," Mallory shrugged. "That's why we have market research."
"AAAAHHH!" A man's scream was heard.
"That's Mr. Henderson," Mallory realized looking out the window. "Huh. This does not shock me. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if he was caught wearing more than his wife's perfume if you get my drift."
"Mallory just because a man tries some perfume on doesn't make him a cross dresser," Lana said.
Then an older man wearing a French maid's costume was seen running from several bees. "How about that?" Mallory asked.
"They could just be role-playing," Lana shrugged. "Although I must admit that is more than circumstantial evidence."
"Well this is evidence that Krieger's stupid perfume was a bust," Cyril looked out the window. "I guess the third time wasn't the charm. Oh God! Krieger you didn't put the name of the agency on that stupid perfume, did you?"
"No, I decided to call it Mallory!" Krieger said.
"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.
"What?" Krieger blinked innocently. "I thought you'd be thrilled having a perfume named after you! I mean you practically name everything else after you!"
"Oh God…" Mallory groaned.
"Something tells me this is going to be traced back to you," Lana sighed.
"Probably the one time you didn't want your name on something!" Pam laughed. "Am I right?"
"Well that explains why Mrs. Goldberg and Mrs. Kensington are glaring at me," Mallory looked through the window. "And throwing their samples in a trash can."
"Smart," Lana remarked.
"Which is more than my wife has been!" Ron called out.
"True dat," Ray added.
"DON'T START WITH ME YOU TWO!" Mallory shouted.
Twenty minutes later…
"There's goes Mrs. Dulles," Lana remarked as an ambulance drove out of the neighborhood. "And there goes Mrs. Goldberg with a few other people."
"You are so going to get another neighborhood association citation," Pam remarked.
"I knew this plan stunk from the moment you suggested it," Lana remarked.
"You just had to say that didn't you?" Mallory glared at her.
"It was a softball," Lana said. "Not my fault you pitched a big fat one over the plate."
"And it's not my fault Mrs. Dulles is allergic to bee stings!" Mallory snapped.
"Good thing she had an EpiPen," Pam remarked. "Probably saved her life."
"Who cares about her life?" Mallory snapped. "Mine is ruined!"
"I'm pretty sure her family cares," Cheryl said in a confused tone. "And the rest of the neighborhood seemed genuinely concerned…"
"Oh, shut up Carol!" Mallory groaned.
"This is what happens when you try these cockamamie get rich quick schemes," Ron told his wife.
"And you!" Mallory snapped.
"Well…" Cyril coughed. "The good news is that I don't think you can be legally charged with attempted murder. Since no one actually saw you or any of us put the samples in the mailbox. I think…"
"Since when do you think?" Mallory shouted.
"THIS WAS NOT MY IDEA!" Cyril shouted. "I WAS AGAINST IT! BUT AS USUAL I WAS OVERRULED!"
"Oh calm down Cyril," Krieger waved. "Honestly as schemes go, this isn't as disastrous as most of them end up. On a scale of one to ten this is only a five."
"Yeah, we have had way more schemes blow up in our face a lot worse than this," Pam admitted. "Like the Double Indecency Incident. At least this time nobody was arrested."
"Not yet," Lana groaned.
"And Mrs. Dulles is going to be fine," Krieger waved. "Nobody died this time. Like the Grand Tuntmore incident."
"And your reputation was pretty much shot to hell in this neighborhood already," Cheryl added. "Unlike a lot of your other schemes which torpedoed you."
"You mean like the time she invited that Senator and his wife and Archer's prostitute overdosed during the main course?" Pam asked.
"Yeah like that," Cheryl added. "Oh, and the time when she tried to scam the state department while getting a table at that fancy restaurant."
"And that ambassador was murdered and we got blamed," Pam nodded. "And we got totally black listed by the state department."
"And when Dr. Kovaks died," Krieger said. "And we all got black listed from being spies. That was really bad! Career ending bad!"
"The cocaine cartel debacle," Cheryl added. "Oh, the time she hired those German assassins as caterers? Remember that fiasco?"
"What the hell were you on when you thought up that crackpot idea?" Pam laughed.
Cheryl added. "Not half as crackpot as the time when she faked a bomb scare to get on a blimp ride?"
Krieger added. "Wales wasn't the only thing that got bombed!"
"All those other bomb scares you made," Cheryl added. "Oh, the nut incident! Remember the nut incident that got us in hot water with the FBI?"
"That was more accidental," Krieger said. "The incident with the Kingsmen was way worse."
"The time she pulled a knife on Gloria Vanderhoffen was pretty bad too," Pam agreed.
"Oh, remember the whole train incident?" Cheryl said. "Where we got banned from Canada? That was bad!"
"Not to mention the time she tried to seduce Conway Stern and got nowhere fast," Pam laughed. "As well as him stealing some kind of weapon plans that turned out to be fake anyway."
"Don't forget the time she tried to get money from the family of Jackson Wainscott," Krieger added.
"Oh my God that was bad!" Cheryl laughed. "Ms. Archer's name was so tarnished after that day!"
"Not as much as during the whole open marriage fiasco," Pam added. "Or the whole country music fiasco."
"Or taking over another country fiasco," Krieger spoke up. "Gee when you think about it Ms. Archer, this whole fragrance debacle is really nothing."
Cheryl agreed. "It's just another incident in a long, long, long, long, long line of failures and humiliation. And honestly after all these years you should be used to that by now."
"So you have a bad reputation with one small neighborhood?" Pam added. "Big whoop! You have a bad reputation with all of New York high society! That's way more people than one crummy neighborhood!"
"Not just high society," Krieger said. "With all the restaurants and other places we're banned from all of New York hates us. And parts of Jersey."
"Hell, you and the Figgis Agency are probably a laughing stock in all of LA," Cheryl added. "Again, way more people than this street. And a lot more important."
"Between the Double Indecency Incident," Pam counted. "The Deadly Velvet Incident. The killer clown incident and the whole Longwater mess…No high-profile client in his right mind would go anywhere near our agency! Wow. No wonder we haven't had any work."
"Not to mention your name is pretty much mud in the espionage community," Krieger added. "And the government of the United States. And odds are a few other governments as well. This is really no big deal. Right guys?"
"Guys?" Pam said as she looked around.
Lana, Ray, Cyril and Ron had wisely left the room and were nowhere to be seen. Leaving only a very angry looking Mallory.
"What are you so mad about Ms. Archer?" Cheryl asked innocently. "Ms. Archer? Hello? Did the failure make you deaf or what?"
Two and a half minutes later…
"AAAAHHHHH!" Krieger, Pam and Cheryl were running for their lives on Mallory's lawn.
"COME BACK HERE AND DIE!" Mallory screamed as she chased the three of them around waving an axe.
Meanwhile Lana, Ron, Ray and Cyril watched them through the window of the house. "I wondered why she bought that axe," Ron remarked. "Glad she's not using it on me."
"Ditto," Ray said.
"IT'S TIME TO CHOP SOME OF THE DEAD WOOD AROUND HERE!" Mallory chased them around. "EMPHASIS ON DEAD!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Krieger screamed as he ran for his life.
"Good thing we hid in the kitchen when those morons were talking," Ray remarked.
"That was my idea," Cyril said.
"We know," Lana said. "We followed you in."
"To be fair it was a good one," Ron said.
"That's all I wanted to hear," Cyril said.
"YOU THINK MY NAME IS MUD?" Mallory screamed as she swung the axe around. "WELL YOU LOT ARE GOING TO BE BURIED SIX FEET UNDER IT!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" The three offenders ran for their lives.
"SCATTER!" Pam screamed. The three of them did so. Of course, none of them thought to run off the lawn for some reason so they were still in trouble.
"THAT'S NOT GOING TO HELP YOU IDIOTS!" Mallory started chasing after them one at a time.
"Well if the neighbors weren't scared of Mallory before," Lana sighed as she watched the madness. "They will be now."
"This is on par with the Jackson Wainscott fiasco," Cyril sighed.
"I have to give her this," Ray said as he took out his phone and started filming everything. "That old lady has got some stamina. I mean for her age…"
"You're recording this?" Cyril asked Ray.
"I thought I'd record this for Archer," Ray shrugged. "And for myself."
"Send me a copy, will you?" Cyril asked.
"And me," Lana added.
"Already planning on it," Ray nodded.
"AAAAAHHHHHH!" Krieger ran away from Mallory.
"COME BACK AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN YOU KRAUT CHICKEN!" Mallory screamed as she swung her axe.
"The doors are locked right?" Lana asked.
"First thing we did as soon as she left the house," Ron nodded.
"I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS TO YOU WAY BACK IN ARGENTINA WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!" Mallory screamed as she cornered him near a tree.
"SMOKE BOMB!" Krieger threw down something.
CRACK!
"He actually had a smoke bomb this time?" Ray asked.
"No…I don't think so," Lana blinked.
"THAT NEVER WORKS KRIEGER!" Mallory screamed as she swung down the axe. Krieger dodged it just in time and the axe only hit the tree.
"DAMN IT!" Mallory screamed as she tried to pull it out. "Now my axe is stuck! And what is that smell? It's nice but…"
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
"Bees are still out there huh?" Ron sighed.
"Apparently," Cyril winced.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Now Mallory was running around being chased by bees along with Krieger. Pam and Cheryl were panicking even though the majority of bees were going after the other two.
"Okay now we've gone above the Jackson Wainscott Fiasco," Lana sighed. "On a scale of one to ten, this is a seven at least."
"AAAAHHHH!" Cheryl and Pam tore off their clothes, running around in their underwear.
"Why would they take off their clothes?" Cyril asked. "Doesn't that just give the bees a bigger target?"
"Really big in Pam's case," Ray agreed. "Where are those two going?"
"Next door," Ron realized. "To Mrs. Kensington's house!"
They followed Ron upstairs to another window where they could get a better view of what was going on. They got up there in time to see…
SPLASH!
"I didn't know Mrs. Kensington had a pool," Cyril remarked.
"I think we just jumped up to an eight," Ray remarked. "If somebody dies we'll bump it up to nine."
"We have a pool in our back yard," Ron remarked. "Why didn't they just jump in that one?"
"Now Mrs. Kensington is yelling at them," Lana did a play by play. "And here comes Mallory and Krieger being chased by the bees."
SPLASH! SPLASH! SPLASH!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
"Now Mrs. Kensington is in the pool," Lana remarked. "Along with Mallory and Krieger. We are now at an eight and a half."
"Again," Ray sighed. "Someone has to die for a nine."
"That could still happen," Cyril shrugged.
"Again, why did they go into her pool when we have one?" Ron asked.
"I guess she didn't want to pay for the cleanup," Lana guessed. "How should I know?"
"Should we call the ambulance back or…?" Cyril asked.
"Let them get tired out first," Ron said. "It's safer."
"For us," Ray remarked as he kept filming. "Archer is gonna love this one!"
"The bees are starting to disperse," Cyril noticed. "I guess jumping in the pool to wash off the scent worked."
"Do you think that's what they had in mind when they jumped in?" Lana asked.
"God only knows," Cyril sighed. "But five will get you ten, no."
"And now my wife is having a screaming match with Mrs. Kensington in the pool," Ron groaned. "Oh, the Neighborhood Association is going to love this!"
"Ms. Archer is going to love remembering this debacle," Ray groaned as he kept filming.
"We'll give her some extra drugs so this day will be a little fuzzy in her memory," Cyril waved. "As well as some absinthe."
"Trust us Ron," Ray sighed. "The less Ms. Archer remembers about things the better."
"Especially for us," Cyril added.
"I know," Ron said. "Why do you think I have a huge supply of absinthe at home?"
Ron's phone rang. He took it out of his pocket. "Hello? Oh hello…How is she? Oh, that's good. Look this wasn't my idea! No, it wasn't an attack of some kind! Believe it or not I think my wife was trying to do something nice!"
Ron listened for a moment. "You don't believe it. I figured as much."
"Would it help if I told you that Mallory got attacked by bees as well?" Ron asked. "I figured that would. I see. For what it's worth I'm really sorry about this. Technically I don't think you can prove it was an intentional assault legally…"
"Okay what can I do to make this up to you?" Ron asked. "Oh. Okay. I understand. For what it's worth I am really sorry…Yeah. I know. I know. I have to live with her. For how much longer I'm not sure but…Good bye."
"That was Mrs. Dulles husband," Ron said as he hung up the phone. "She's fine. And they're not going to sue us. They've decided to move. Immediately."
"Well they're all out of the pool," Lana told him what happened. "Mrs. Kensington went back inside. And Mallory is currently choking Cheryl."
"AKKKK!" Cheryl gagged as a wet Mallory choked her. Pam came up behind Mallory and hit her on the head with a small ceramic planter.
"What the…?" Mallory blinked before passing out.
"And it's over," Lana sighed. "We'd better get her inside before Mrs. Kensington calls the cops."
"What about my wife?" Ron asked in a worried voice.
"Please," Ray snorted. "That head of hers is stronger than concrete. She's fine."
"That's not what I'm worried about," Ron said. "What I'm worried about is that she'll go on a killing spree when she finds out Pam knocked her out."
"Don't worry Ron," Cyril waved. "We'll tell her that she was chasing Krieger, Heckle and Jeckle around when she slipped and hit her head. Works every time."
"How many times have you used that excuse?" Ron asked.
"Too many Ron," Cyril sighed. "Too many."
"I told her this was a bad idea," Lana said.
"I'll get the absinthe," Ron sighed.
"Boy did this plan stink," Cyril said. Everyone looked at him. "What? It was a softball!"