The plane taxied to the runway and prepared for takeoff. The cabin of the small private jet her father had secured for her departure was buzzing with white noise. It seemed to Olivia that there had to have been millions of tiny parts working in that plane to get them in the air, and she was certain that she could hear each and every one of them. Every grinding gear and beeping notification coalesced into a cacophony of quiet sound that vibrated across her skin.
The engines of the plane roared to life and the pistons fired at full power. Olivia placed her head on the soft leather headrest of her seat and took a deep breath. She held it, ever so slightly, before releasing one long exhale. Olivia had been flying since she was a young girl, but she still couldn't seem to shake the uneasiness that came over her during takeoff. She closed her eyes and sent goodness out into the universe, for herself and others.
Olivia wanted to rest her arm between the seats but she couldn't. Well, she could but she didn't think she should. His arm was occupying his armrest and if she did the same with hers, it would put her in very close proximity to the Captain. Olivia wasn't certain that she could handle proximity right at that moment, so she folded her hands together and placed them neatly in her lap. She still couldn't believe that she was on a plane, alone, with him.
Jake turned and glanced at her and quickly turned away. He was just checking to see if she was ok. He did that. A lot. Olivia knew that Jake was in love with her. She knew it before he ever confessed how he felt. It was always there with him, ever present, an accepted truth. It made her feel so guilty. She knew how he felt about her, and she used him. She couldn't stop using him. Olivia needed Jake to care for her. That made her feel guilty. She was tired of feeling guilty. She didn't want to feel guilty anymore.
The bright sound of her ringtone snapped her to attention and she reached to answer it like she had always done, quickly. When she saw the name on the caller ID everything stopped: White House. It was Fitz. There were so many reasons why he could have been calling her. It could have had something to do with Jerry. Or maybe it was about the election. Maybe he needed her for something important. Maybe he was finally going to tell her that he was free.
Free. If Olivia had learned anything throughout all of her years with Fitz, it was that he would never really be free. No matter what course Fitz chose for his life, he would always be known as President Fitzgerald Grant. He would always have to maintain the image of Presidential perfection. Olivia couldn't see a place for herself in that picture. What she wanted more than anything right now was freedom; a fresh start, a clean slate. Olivia knew Fitz couldn't give that to her. She tapped the ignore key on the phone's screen and placed it back into the cup holder below the airplane window.
Jake's golden gaze followed her hand and an incredulous look settled into his eyes. "Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yes." Her quick reply was delivered with a warm reassuring smile. She liked Jake. She cared for Jake. And while she was wasn't willing or able to define her feelings towards him, she could finally acknowledge that they existed. He was always there when she needed him. He had become her champion. Even now, he was giving her an out, letting her make her own choices, without reproach. In that moment Olivia knew she had made the right choice.
But knowing it was the right choice didn't make it hurt any less. As the plane lifted off of the ground, Olivia allowed herself to take one minute to grieve for all that she was leaving behind. She turned her head to look out the window, and watched as her world, once too large to be contained, got smaller and smaller until it finally disappeared and all she was left with was the here and now. "Just one minute," she whispered and then she turned her head away from the window and her shut her mind off to the turmoil she'd left behind.
Jake yawned and his whole body tensed then slowly unfurled and lengthened as he stretched his cramped muscles. Olivia was painfully aware of his physical presence, she always had been. The moment Jake "bumped into her" in that coffee shop, she was instantly attracted to him. He had an easiness about him that she found comforting. His long legs supported his tall, lean frame and his shoulders were broad and strong. Olivia knew this from personal experience as she had laid her head on those shoulders more than once over the past year.
She was caught staring when Jake turned his head and their eyes met. He gave her a soft smile that didn't quite meet his eyes and she wondered what he was thinking. "You Ok?" she smiled, hoping it was a more enthusiastic smile than the one he had given her just moments before.
Jake's smile grew slightly, and he hesitated a moment before responding. "Are you worried about me, Olivia?" The question was teasing and meant to ease the tension in the room that appeared after the phone rang.
"Yes." The corners of Jake's mouth turned down and Olivia had the sudden urge to reach out and touch him. She wanted to put her hand on his cheek and make that sad look disappear. She wanted to protect him. The urge came over her so quickly and strongly she was almost startled by it. But, as quickly as the sadness had come into his face, it was gone.
Jake looked away from her and spoke in the same teasing manner he used before, "Well don't be. I don't think I've ever felt better." The cool, unaffected Jake was back and he was dismissing Olivia's concern. How many times had he done that? It hadn't always been that way. After the whole truth came out about his connection to B-613, and to Fitz, Jake made sure to tell her everything. In fact, at first she was put off by his openness, by his willingness to share. He did it with such ease. These days, he seemed to be more protective of his thoughts. He had started shutting himself off to her. It dawned on Olivia that even though they were sitting next to each other on the same plane, they'd never been farther apart than they were at that very moment.
"I am Jake, worried about you. You've lost everything. Your whole life has been turned upside down. And for what? What made you fight so hard? What do you have to show for it?"
"Do you really need to ask me that Olivia?" Jake turned to look at her and once again their eyes met. But this time, the veil had been lifted and Jake allowed Olivia to see the depth of his feelings for her. Everything was there in his eyes and the weight of it pinned her to her seat. Her mouth went dry. She couldn't move, she couldn't think, she could barely breath. All she could do was stare into the eyes staring back at her. Eyes filled with such a painful longing, she actually felt the ache inside of her. "Jake," she tried to speak his name, but all that came out was a choked whisper.
"You don't have to say anything. I already know. I know that you love him. I know that you are in love with him. I know that you have been denied your chance at happiness. I know that you feel that you can't live without him. I know that you believe that you don't want to live without him. I know that you can't stop thinking about him. I know that in your heart, you're still the President's girl."
Oliva lowered her head. Everything Jake said was true. She did love Fitz, she couldn't stop loving Fitz, no matter how hard she tried. How could she be here trying to start a new life with one man, when she still had very strong feelings for another? Jake placed a finger under her chin and lifted her head so that she was looking at him. His eyes were sympathetic and kind. It struck Olivia again just how much she needed his kindness in her life.
"I also know that you're hurting. I know that you are tired of hurting. I know that he's hurt you more times than you can count. I know that I've hurt you too." Jake took Olivia's hand in his, "I'm sorry, Olivia. I'm sorry for hurting you."
Jake had hurt her, more than once. If she was being honest with herself she had to admit that she had done her best to hurt him too. The circumstances of their lives had sometimes put them on opposite sides of the fight. She was glad that they were finally on the same side. Olivia gave Jake's hand a reassuring squeeze, "We've both done things we're not proud of." Jake opened the hand that was holding hers and spread his fingers wide, allowing her to lock their fingers together. They sat that way in silence for a long time. The only movement from either one of them was the tiny circles of Jake's thumb on the back of Olivia's hand. That small caress calmed her frazzled nerves and gave her a much needed sense of comfort.
When he spoke again, his voice was soft and low. "I know that you feel guilty. I know that you blame yourself for everyone's problems. Including Fitz's, including mine. But you shouldn't blame yourself. We've all made choices, and this is the result of those choices. This is who we are now. This is who you are now. You rolled the dice, and this is what you got."
Jake turned his body in his seat until he was facing her and leaned closer. He brought their still joined hands to his lips and brushed the back of her hand with the softest of kisses. Olivia thought about the last time he kissed her like that. They were saying goodbye at his door after spending the night together, making love. Olivia had been wracked with guilt over what she was about to do to B-613 and at that point Jake had already started to pull away from her. Neither one of them spoke a word, they just stood at the door staring at each other until Jake took her hand in his and kissed it softly.
"You want to know what I got out of it Olivia?" His quiet question brought her out of her memories. Their eyes met once again and she nodded for Jake to continue. "I got you, that's what I got. I know that you love him Olivia, but you're here with me now. I know that you need me. I know that you love me, Olivia. And I know that you're not ready to love me. And that's ok. I'm ok with that, because I don't think I'm ready either. We both have a lot of questions we have to answer. I'm just glad I'll have you there to help me figure things out."
Olivia leaned forward and put her forehead against his. "I'm glad too, Jake." Her words must have pleased him because a tiny groan of pleasure escaped from his lips. It brought a smile to her face. She pulled back slightly to look at him, and was happy with what she saw. A genuine smile had finally broken through on his face and his eyes we're lit up from the inside with something remarkable, something new. Something very close to what could be read as hope. Her eyes traveled over his face and down to his mouth. His full lips spread into a grin that took her breath away. Without even realizing it was happening, Olivia was leaning forward to kiss him.
Their lips met tentatively at first as both were shocked that the kiss was happening at all. It was a sweet and gentle kiss; not meant to arouse, but to soothe. But, when Jake went to pull away, Olivia put her hands on either side of his face and held him in place. He was right in what he said about her. She did have feelings for him. And while she wasn't able to tell him, she could certainly show him. She opened her mouth to deepen the kiss and ran her tongue over Jake's lips, asking permission for entrance. He acquiesced, and when his tongue came into contact with hers Olivia moaned in pleasure. They took their time tasting each other, both heady with the possibility poured into their kiss. Olivia drank her fill, she couldn't get enough. Jake gave her all of himself in that kiss. She only hoped that he could feel what she was trying to give him in return.
With his face still in her hands, Olivia broke the kiss and looked into his eyes once more. "Thank you, Jake."
"For what?"
"For loving me the way you do. Even though I don't deserve it."
Jake's sigh was short and full of frustration as he pointed a finger in her direction. "See that's your problem right there Ms. Pope: you don't know your own worth. But, that'll change, soon enough."
Olivia smirked at him. "And what's makes you so sure about that, Captain Ballard?"
"You have to learn to trust me Olivia. I told you once before I was going to be your do over. I told you when you took your first step toward that do over. And just look at us now. Next on the agenda: Operation Show Olivia Pope That She Deserves the World."
"And what about you? "
"What about me? I already know what I deserve. That's why I'm here with you." Jake smiled and grabbed her hand again, placing their arms on the rests between them. He turned around fully to face the seat in front of him and settled back into his chair. Once again Olivia was taken with his overt maleness. His solid form was stretched out as much as he could manage in these tight quarters, and Olivia didn't have to think too hard to recall just how good it felt to be on top of that solid male form. And underneath it. She shook her head to clear it of the thoughts she was having. The last thing she needed right now was to let her judgement be clouded over by sex. No matter how fantastic that sex happened to be. She wasn't naive enough to think that she and Jake weren't going to have sex again. She just knew that she needed time to figure things out. She cleared her throat and pushed those thoughts from her mind.
"Just where are you taking me, Jacob?" Jake turned to look at her, one eyebrow raised quizzically over the use of his formal name. Olivia just shrugged her shoulder at him. Her spirits had lifted tremendously and she was feeling playful. She had once teased him that he always called her by her proper name, and she asked him to call her Liv. They'd been using it to tease each other ever since.
Jake chuckled and shook his head. "Well, Liv, it's a surprise."
Olivia gave him her best pouty face, which made Jake chuckle even more. "Come on, you know I hate surprises."
"Well, I guess you're just going to have to trust me."
"I do, Jake, " her deep chocolate eyes met his sunny green gaze, and in that moment all the love between them was laid bare. It was all fresh and new, and Olivia couldn't suppress the tiny giggle that escaped.
He smiled and squeezed her hand. "Good. But I will say, I hope you packed a swimsuit."
Olivia frowned. She honestly couldn't recall putting a swimsuit in her bag. It was still cold in DC, and the thought never really crossed her mind. "You know, I don't think I did."
"Shame. I guess we'll have to figure something out." Jake's gaze roamed over her body before settling again on her smiling face. "I'm sure we'll manage."
I'm sure we will, Olivia thought to herself. And as they both settled into their seats Olivia was hit with the realization of just how deeply she cared for the man sitting next to her. It was no accident, no mere roll of the dice, that caused her to end up on that plane, alone, with him. Jake was right, she did need him, she did love him. She just didn't know how to tell him. For Olivia, the language of love was easy to learn, but difficult to master. She wanted to get it right this time. She wanted to figure out how she allowed her life to get so far off track. She needed to learn to put herself first, because Jake was right about another thing; Olivia Pope did deserve the world.
And suddenly nothing else mattered. Not the white noise in the cabin that had been making her so anxious just a short while ago. Not the phone call from the White House and all of the various troubles it was sure to bring. Not even their flying off to destinations unknown could bother her. All that mattered in that moment was that she was going to figure it out. And she had this remarkable man seated next to her to help her find her way.
Olivia was happy to discover that she could handle much more than she had ever given herself credit for. And as she looked down at their hands, still joined on the armrest between them she thought, maybe proximity isn't such a bad thing after all.