Brave

Hawk means to walk back to the Swamp with Beej, to make sure he's okay and that this evening was a good idea, but he turns around and BJ's gone. He half-runs across the camp with his heart pounding in his ears, then breathes a sigh of relief and near-annoyance when he finds the lights on and Beej sprawled on his cot.

Hawk comes within an inch of scolding BJ for it, but between it being BJ's anniversary and not wanting to admit how worried he got over his friend who is a grown man being out sight for three minutes, he decides to err on the side of not being completely ridiculous.

"You slipped out before I could ask you to dance," he says as he sashays in, giving Beej his best coy glance. (The best place to hide the truth is always in plain sight.)

As expected, BJ rolls his eyes, but he's smiling, the raw emotion from before faded into something a little happier and softer.

"You okay, Beej?"

He nods. "I'm sorry I've been such a pill." He gives Hawk a sheepish look. "And thank you for-" He gestures with one hand and shakes his head. "You know, I never- I don't remember the last time someone did something so thoughtful for me." His smile widens. "Seeing their faces, hearing Peg's voice, that was... it meant a lot to me. Thank you."

Hawkeye shoves his hands in his pockets and stares at his feet. It didn't seem like a big deal to him, if there was any possibility it might make BJ happy, or at least less miserable. He would've done more, if he had thought of something else to do. "You're welcome," he says at last.

There's another silence that seems a bit awkward, although Hawkeye's not sure if it isn't his own imagination working overtime. He did something nice for his best friend - no one would question that. No one needs to know he'd turn Korea upside down, turn the whole world inside out, if he thought it would help make BJ's life a little better.

"Hey, Hawk?"

"Mmhm?"

"Come over here a minute?"

Hawk looks up. Beej is sitting up now and... watching him. "What's up?"

"I was rereading Peg's last letter. Come over here, will ya?"

Hawk crosses the tent and perches on the end of BJ's cot. Up close, he can see BJ's eyes are still a little wet and a little red, but... happy. Mostly happy. And if Beej is emotional from reading what Peggy wrote him, well, that makes sense, too. It lets Hawk breathe a little easier.

"There was something Peg said that I didn't understand before. I thought maybe she was joking. Now... now I'm not so sure."

Beej is still watching Hawk's face closely as he speaks, and Hawk has no idea what he's looking for. "Oh."

"Actually, to tell you the truth, I'm sure she wasn't joking."

"No?"

"No." BJ chuckles. "I don't know if I ever really thought she was joking, to be honest. I just tried to tell myself that because it was easier."

"What was it she said?"

BJ looks away for a moment, almost like he's embarrassed, though there's a smile tugging at his mouth. "Well, it was something she wanted me to give you today."

Hawkeye raises his eyebrows. "Peg wanted you to give me something on your wedding anniversary?"

Beej shrugs a shoulder, but he meets Hawk's gaze. He's definitely smiling now. "Yep."

"What was that then?"

BJ shuffles so he's sitting next to Hawk on the cot. "Well..." He chuckles again. "My wife is..." He shakes his head, like he doesn't have the words. "I guess you could say that she's pretty perceptive. And knows me well."

"Don't keep me in suspenders, Beej. What did she want you to give me?"

"Okay. Okay."

BJ puts a hand on Hawkeye's face, and Hawkeye is so startled by the intimate touch that he doesn't even manage a lewd comment on it. Beej is looking at him with... with such tenderness in his eyes.

Hawk swallows hard. "What?" he asks. "Beej, what...?" Then he thinks he must be dreaming, because Beej is leaning in, angling his head like he's going to- God, is this real?- and there's a moment when he pauses and glances between Hawk's eyes and mouth, like he's asking permission, and Hawkeye can't help himself, he lets out a desperate little noise and tilts his head up in invitation, and BJ closes the gap and kisses him, so soft, so gentle, one hand on Hawkeye's cheek, the other sliding up into his hair.

God, it's so soft. Even as it deepens, it's as if Beej is taking exquisite care, like this... like this means as much to him as it does to Hawk, which right up until tonight Hawkeye wouldn't have believed possible.

Hawk skims his hands over BJ's cheeks, the line of his jaw, then tangles them in his hair, and BJ makes a sound Hawkeye's certain he will never forget if he lives to be a hundred. God, he's imagined this, but he never came close, never even came within a thousand miles of this feeling.

When they finally break apart, Beej cups Hawk's face in his hands, and his expression when Hawkeye opens his eyes is something Hawk would describe as 'longing' if he weren't so scared of giving himself false hope.

"Beej," he breathes, his voice husky and wrecked. He darts forwards for another brief kiss, mostly to try and convince himself this is real. "Beej, I..."

BJ laughs. "Breathe, Hawk," he says.

"Easy for you to say."

Another laugh.

"Did that... did that really just happen, Beej? I haven't fallen and hit my head? I'm not having an exceptionally enjoyable dream?"

BJ looks at him as if he's a raving lunatic, and that at least is credible. "Hawk, do you need a minute?"

"A minute? After that kiss?" Hawk flops back onto BJ's cot and huffs out a laugh of his own. "I... Jesus, Beej, you've broken me."

BJ pokes him in the ribs. (That also seems real, and Hawkeye considers the possibility that this is really happening. Holy shit.) "Idiot."

Hawk starts laughing again and can't stop, curling onto his side and grabbing BJ's thigh, laughing until he's out of breath and there are tears in his eyes.

When he finally manages to stifle his giggles enough to look up at Beej, Beej looks almost as bewildered as Hawkeye feels. It's only fair, though - he did start this.

"Beej," Hawk manages, "you broke me. I hope you realise you can't take me back."

"You're certifiable," says Beej, but there's a smile he can't entirely subdue, and when Hawkeye reaches up to touch his mouth, the smile wins. "Are you okay?"

Hawk props himself up on his elbows. He feels loopy and high, like kissing BJ is the equivalent of a shot of fine Scotch. "Hey," he says. (He sounds pretty high and loopy, too.) "Beej?"

"Yeah?"

"You will kiss me again, right?"

Now BJ's smile could light continents. "Yes."

"Then I'm marvellous." He looks up into BJ's face, so familiar and beloved, and wonders what he ever did to deserve Beej as a friend, never mind as someone he apparently gets to kiss more than once. "Beej, how did you do this? I don't understand."

BJ blinks slowly. "It was easy," he murmurs. "I'll show you again if you'd like me to."

"No - I mean yes, yes please, but..." Hawk sits up again. His head is still loopy, but he doesn't think lying on BJ's bed is an effective treatment. "I mean, how did you-?" Now he doesn't have the words. "How did you even know I'd let you?"

"I didn't... Not till today. Or maybe I would have done something sooner. But Peg..." BJ laughs, and picks up the letter he was reading when Hawk came in. "She told me I was lucky to have friends here who cared about me so much, though I didn't realise she had something specific in mind until this evening. And then she said 'Give that wonderful man a kiss from me. You'll know when.'"

He hands the letter to Hawk, who looks at it obediently although it might as well be in Korean for all he takes it in.

"'That wonderful man'? She said that?"

"Yes. It's obvious she hasn't ever met you," says Beej, and when Hawk looks up, ready to feign indignation, BJ's eyes are sparkling with mischief. "We'll have to remedy that after the war."

The obvious affection leaves Hawk unable to be flippant, and he still doesn't have the right words to talk about this properly.

He's always known Beej was brave, with the heart of a lion under his gentle demeanour, but it's different to realise how brave Beej was for him, for Hawkeye, for the troubled man who shares his tent. Hawk never knew he would be gifted that kind of bravery by anyone but his father.

"Oh," he manages at last.

"Hawk? Are you sure you're okay?"

He has to laugh at that. God only knows what the word is to describe how he's feeling, but merely 'okay' is not remotely accurate. "I'm... fuck, Beej, I'm reeling here. But I'm good, believe me, I'm really good."

Beej looks genuinely relieved. Hawk just... can't deal with how obvious and heartfelt BJ's concern is. He knew, he knows that Beej cares about him, even- no, he can't let himself go there even in the privacy of his own head. The point is, he knows, but he still doesn't really understand it, and seeing it so clearly makes his head spin and warms him to his bones.

"You sure?"

"Very." He grins. "Decidedly bewitched and enormously bewildered, but overall, definitely good."

There's another smile hovering at Hawk's joke."Not bothered?"

"I only understand two thirds of that song."

BJ throws back his head and laughs, and Hawk smiles so hard his face aches. Making Beej laugh has always been a pleasure, but right now it feels like a goddamn miracle. He's thrilled and terrified and confused, but Beej laughing grounds and anchors him. He could watch BJ laughing forever, and when BJ touches his cheek and smiles back at him... it's more than he ever hoped for. This might be all he ever gets, but if it is, it's enough. Almost enough.

"I always thought I was supposed to be the crazy one," he says, "but then you go and kiss me on your wedding anniversary and I'm not so sure any longer. Is it true what they say about Californians after all?"

Beej gives him a look. "What exactly do they say about Californians?"

Hawk just grins. It's hardly the moment for a dirty joke, and he's too full of confused delight to be properly sarcastic. "You're a little odd," he says. "I like it."

"You're calling me a little odd?"

"I will refer you to my earlier point about kissing me on your anniversary."

That gets him a smile and another laugh. "I don't see how that's so odd. My wife wanted me to have a good anniversary, and had the foresight to realise including you was the only way to make it happen, that's all."

Hawkeye sighs melodramatically. "And I didn't even shave."

"Hawk..." Beej leans in and kisses him again, and Hawkeye may actually die if it carries on like this. "Hawk, that isn't... I'm not pretending you're her, Hawkeye. I know exactly who I'm kissing."

BJ's gone from playful to completely serious, and Hawk has to catch his breath at the sincerity in BJ's voice.

"This isn't about Peg," Beej goes on. "Haven't you been listening? This is about you and me."

"But Peg-"

"She knows." He chuckles. "I never could keep anything from her. Even before I figured it out myself, she had me figured out. She's the one who told me, Hawk. She's the one who gave me the push. I had no idea that you... I had no idea. But I wanted to... I wanted."

BJ's tone is in danger of making Hawk's brain turn to mush and dribble out of his ears, but he's almost holding on to his sanity. "Beej, you didn't-"

"Of course I didn't. I'm not an idiot," Beej retorts without even needing Hawk to finish the thought. "I love my wife, and she loves me. Whatever this is... is not instead of that."

Hawkeye's relief is profound. He wants BJ, with an intensity that scares him, but he's seen how Beej loves Peggy and how Peggy loves Beej, and he couldn't forgive himself for hurting either of them.

BJ brushes Hawk's hair back from his face, and Hawkeye is never going to get over the tenderness in his touch. "But you are... important to me too, Hawk, I-" BJ pauses, then continues, lower, "You have to know, Hawk, I- I don't have the words, but this is real." He leans in and presses gentle kisses to the corners of Hawk's mouth. "I know," he says, "I know exactly who I'm kissing, and why, and I want to. Again and again." Then they're kissing each other, still soft, still tender, but firm and sure.

Something unknots deep in Hawkeye's chest, with a relief even deeper than of knowing he hasn't irreparably damaged BJ's marriage. He still doesn't really understand this, he's still afraid of what they stand to lose, but he knows Beej, knows Beej wouldn't risk his family or their friendship over nothing, and Beej would never say... that... if he didn't mean it.

Hawk doesn't trust himself to fill in the gaps - he'll either assume the worst or assume the best, and either extreme will trip him up. But there's enough in what Beej is saying to make him feel like he's not about to fall through the ice.

They surface reluctantly, then look at each other, just... look, like there might be something new to see after all this time. Like something might have changed because they've kissed, but BJ looks just like he did this morning, and Hawk thinks maybe it's because on a fundamental level, nothing has changed, even if it feels like everything has. They're both still the same people they were an hour ago. He loved Beej before, and he still loves Beej now; whatever Beej is feeling is not a product of loneliness or gratitude or simply of not being home on his anniversary, even if acting on it was precipitated in part by what happened today.

Hawkeye can't, won't put a name on that, even if he wishes BJ would. It's too terrifying. But whatever this is, it's something real, it's something he can hold on to, and that... that is enough.

Then Beej smiles, and Hawk is still knocked sideways by that smile, still feels it like sunshine on his face, and they're both laughing, and Hawkeye thinks his heart might burst, but it would be worth it.

Beej stands up but stays close, holds out a hand, then waggles his fingers impatiently when Hawkeye doesn't immediately take it.

Hawk has no idea what to expect, but it's Beej, and he's never learned to say no to Beej, even when he's confused and at least three steps behind. He puts his hand in BJ's, lets himself be pulled up, then Beej doesn't let him go but pulls him close, wrapping his other arm around Hawk's back.

"If I was braver or more foolish, this is what I would've done earlier," he admits. "Margaret's wonderful, but she's not you."

Hawk blinks and swallows against the emotions he can't stifle.

BJ hums something, and they move in time with the music, although Hawk isn't sure this gentle sway could really be called dancing. He wants to say he'll follow if Beej is willing to lead, but he doesn't want to let go, and doesn't want to risk ending this too soon.

Of course, he's still Hawkeye Pierce, so he can't entirely keep his counsel. "What are we doing?"

"What's it seem like we're doing, stupid?"

Beej starts humming again, and it takes Hawk a second to place it, then- "Beej, are we dancing to the Anniversary Waltz?"

Beej chuckles, but doesn't stop, and Hawk figures that's answer enough.

"Is this so you only have to remember one anniversary a year?"

Yet another laugh, that Hawkeye takes to mean 'You caught me'; Hawk sort of thought he was groping in the dark, but Beej just tugs him even closer and nuzzles at Hawk's hair, and doesn't demur for a second.

The idea of having an anniversary with Beej, that this... whatever it is between them is worthy of having such a thing, of sharing it with BJ and Peg's anniversary, puts a lump about the size of a grapefruit in Hawk's throat, and he dearly hopes Beej isn't expecting too much from him in the way of a coherent response. Holding on tight and swaying in time with the music is about as much as Hawk can manage.

The words to the song echo in his mind as he listens, as he gives in to temptation and hums along with BJ. He can't quite believe that this is real, that he's dancing with BJ Hunnicutt to what is undeniably a love song. Two hearts gently beating. He almost wants to sing the words: Darling, I love you so.

Would BJ realise he means it? (Would that be such a bad thing?)

Then Beej tugs their joined hands against his chest, over his heart, and Hawkeye thinks his own heart might beat right out of his body. He wonders if Beej could possibly be thinking, be feeling the same things he is.

BJ pulls him in, hand firm and warm at the small of Hawk's back, and murmurs in his ear - so softly he can only hear it because BJ is so close and everything around them is so quiet - "Hawkeye, I love you."

The words Hawk never imagined he'd get to hear hit him right in the knees, and if he didn't have Beej to hold on to, he'd be on the floor. As it is, he wobbles, and BJ's there to catch him like always.

"Beej," Hawk manages, but nothing else comes out. He wraps his arm more closely around BJ, leans into him, buries his face in BJ's neck, and hard as he tries, can't stop himself from shaking, can't stop a few tears from leaking out.

He'll say it out loud, too - he'll be brave, he'll say it a lot, he'll say it until Beej is sick of it - but for now he clings on and trusts Beej to understand, and they keep on dancing.

~ fin ~