She had lost track of how many times they had been here. Far too many. "Penny for your thoughts?" Quinn asked plopping herself next to Rachel. Blowing smoke out, Rachel glances at the girl. "You know what sucks?" This is either going to suck or…fuck it is going to suck. Raising her eyebrow, Quinn tilted her head at the smaller girl, "What?"
Rachel knew Quinn knew where this was headed. I'm fucked. I'm totally fucked. "One day I'll have to walk away for good." Rachel watched the shift happen through the blondes' eyes, a raging storm just beyond the surface. "We both know this is not healthy." Rachel shook her head. Not one bit. It is not our time. "I can't keep doing this to myself, love. I'm so fucking infatuated with you, it's maddening." Lighting another cigarette, Rachel knew the girl was waiting for her to finish. A raging storm just beyond the surface. "I know. I've done this a thousand times. But when I finally summon the courage, it'll be for good."
Heaving a breath, Rachel waited for the girl to say something. Anything. Pushing her hair back, Quinn let out a bark. "Are we really doing this right now?" Shaking her head in disbelief Quinn stared at the girl in front of her. "Look Quinn, I need you to hear this, to understand why it needs to happen. I am so in love with you, Quinn Fabray. I have been since we were fifteen. If we ever had a chance, it has long passed us. I'm not good at letting go and I know you aren't either." Looking away Rachel swiped away a lone tear. "One of us has to be strong. We can't keep playing this cat and mouse game. It wears on my emotions so fucking much. After four days of being with you, I was a mess again."
She couldn't help it, Quinn needed to hear this. I need to say this. Blowing out smoke Rachel continued. "I'm such a masochist when it comes to you. I need to say goodbye to us." Shaking her head, Quinn couldn't even look at the girl. "Why must you always do this Rachel? Why do you always run away from everything?" Turning to fully face Quinn, the smaller girl waited until she had Quinn's full attention. "Are you even listening to me? I can't keep hurting myself like this. At this point, I can't even handle seeing you with someone else. I'm not even jealous. I'm so fucking heartbroken that it's not me. I lost my chance. Did I even have a chance?" Taking a deep breath, Rachel tried to control her emotions. "I can't keep doing whatever it is we do. It plays havoc on my mind. I don't even know if I'm reading signals correctly anymore. Fuck, I can't even allow myself to actually put myself out there because I constantly fuck relationships over."
Staring directly into hazel, Rachel watched as tears began to pool. Always just under the surface. "I love you. I have no clue if you've ever loved me like I love you, but I would be anything you need me to be. I wish I had done a ton of things differently. But I love you and I'm sorry I brought this up. I'm sorry I feel this constant need to tell you these things. I feel like a broken record. I just, I won't be able to do this later and I'm not going anywhere, yet. I promise I won't disappear, I at least owe you that." God, I'm ridiculous. Glancing down at her watch, Rachel pushed off the ground. "Come on. It's time for Glee."