All this time, it was precisely this moment that I had been waiting for. I had convinced myself that the man standing in front of me was the one I had truly loved. He was a kind man with a soothing soul; forthright, genuine, brave and considerate. But he was not her. He was no Jane.
Those were not those eyes, those beautiful benevolent, unsparingly adoring eyes that had caressed my soul when I was most wounded and aching. Those were not those arms that held me tight when there was a tornado of grieve and anguish spiraling me in its depths, certainly not that embrace that made me feel most loved. Was the line between being a best friend and a lover this thin, this fragile that even though it always was platonic, neither of us dared to cross that line? Even when no words echoed when she was around me, they never really were needed. All I needed was her to be there near me and everything felt right.
Today, right in this moment, she has yet again said nothing, given me the freedom to be happy with whosoever I wanted to be without a word, and even now she is standing across the distance, looking, wondering if this made me happy, if this was right. She can see it in my eyes the turmoil, the uncertainty and the indecision, she can see I am torn, but all that she sees is what I see in her. Even if everything in the world changed, I would always want her to be here; to be mine.
Isn't this what she would want? I know she loves me. Loves me enough to care what I would wish for. But it is this yearning that she cannot see right in this moment, the longing to be with her; the ache of losing her. There is no room in my mind when all I can think is to be hers. My reasoning falters but it not a matter of reason. It is what my heart craves for, what my soul needs. Every step that she is taking away from me right now is pulling me towards her, and all I want to do is to stop her, let her see what my soul holds for her and embrace her. Embrace her in the warmth of my heart.
"I am sorry Jack… I am so sorry..," I choked. His eyes suddenly mirrored mine, broken, weak yet aware as if he knew what I had been going through.
"I cannot commit to what you ask. You are a good person, but we are not meant to be."
Jack's hold on my hand doesn't slacken, instead, his eyes, they smile kindly, disheartened and dismayed in the depths, broken may be, but they hold on to my tear filled eyes, "I understand Maura. I do."
"Thank you," is all I can manage.
I hug him goodbye, looking from the corner of my eyes, searching for the one form that holds the light to my heart in the tug of her smile; but she has gone. I cannot see her anymore.
I panic, and in that moment Jack, as if understanding, lets me go, and I run.
The door to Jane's apartment is ajar. I can hear muffled sobs and a shiver of unsettling concern runs through my entire being. I step in to see a curled form on the sofa, hugging Jo Friday while tears spill out, every drop glistening in the light of the apartment. Jo looks a little relieved on seeing me, knows Jane will have someone to comfort her now, and she jumps and rushes towards me, dragging me towards her. Jane sees me, worry, agony and relief all sweeping through her countenance, forgetting that I saw her crying, and stands up in one swift motion. Her glistening eyes look into mine, trying to calm herself down and in the next moment that comes, she is hugging me, hugging me tight.
"I.. I thought, I was never going to see you again…", Jane manages in her muffled cry of relief along my collarbone.
I hug her back instantly, bringing all my walls down, and letting all my love into that one embrace, as if this was the last breath I was taking, "I would never let that happen, Jane."
"Don't leave me Maura.. "
"I am never going to."
Even if the entire world changed right in that moment, I knew I could never live without this in my life.