This is a story dedicated to all of the people who read AND review my other stories. The readers are appreciated, but to Dreaming One, notwritten, they-call-me-circe, wildtaz2go, azaleakat, shechosedown, JoytoDemFishies101, and Mademoiselle La Lune, I give my heartfelt thanks for giving me feedback, encouragement, and in the case of notwritten, putting up with my whining. You guys rock. (Oh, and to Lixxle for the bunny stain I absconded with after reading her excellent story "My Fine Feathered Friend.") ;D
DISCLAIMER: I own a small clan of Voodoo dolls that owe their creation to me, and nothing else. Well, maybe the idea of Crystal Spam, since there is almost no one else in the world devious enough to think THAT up. To the story!
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"She's still in the first corridor," Jareth announced gleefully, peering into the crystal he was using to monitor the progress of the latest spoiled brat to wish a sibling away to the goblins. The motley creatures around him laughed uproariously. He held up a gloved hand and they fell silent, clustering even more closely about him. "Wait- she's noticed one of those worms. Oh, dear, she just walked into a portion of real wall. She's picking the worm up- What?!" The goblins, who had been howling with laughter a moment before, hushed and some of them actually climbed over one another to see the crystal in their King's hand.
Jareth stared with disbelief at the white rectangle whose image had just popped up in his crystal. It red, in boldface type: Win a FREE glow-in-the-dark MoonscapeRocket by completing this survey! "What is a moonscraperocket?" he wondered, bemused. Then he shook his blonde mane and concentrated on getting rid of this cryptic message.
Instead of disappearing, the writing turned into what he could only guess was the "survey!" mentioned. The first question read How old are you? "What does it matter?!" Jareth screamed in exasperation. He threw the crystal against the wall, scattering the goblins. It shattered and the Goblin King concentrated on breathing normally. Then, he flashed his staring subjects a bright smile that only punctuated his teetering sanity.
"I am going to go taunt the runner. Carouse, or something." He instructed the goblins. They continued to stare long after he had disappeared.
"I expected more of you, Lana," Jareth said smoothly, startling the bleach blonde teenager. She turned around and shrieked shrilly, tripping backwards over one of the many gnarled branches that littered the foremost corridor. "You only have five hours left to get to the center of my Labyrinth before your sister becomes a Goblin, and you have yet to find the first turning." He gloated, one booted foot on the nicely positioned log so as to better look down on the sprawled and terrified girl. Or, she was terrified. Then she frowned.
"Did you know there's, like, an e-mail in your little glass ball thingy?" she asked him. Jareth glanced at the crystal he'd been twisting about without looking at and froze. His mismatched eyes widened in horror. One of your friends likes you! Find out which one! exclaimed yet another of those evil white rectangles. The king's breathing became ragged.
"I don't have any friends!!" He grated at the nonsensical message. It didn't change, continuing to insist that one of his friends had a crush on him and that the only way to find out which was to read this obnoxious message. He whirled, raising a cloud of glitter, and threw the offending crystal against the nearby wall. It shattered into a rain of starlike missiles. He stood for a moment, staring with glazed eyes at the wall. The teenager, still lying on the slime and glitter covered ground, looked up at him with deepest sympathy.
"Man, you need new spam filters." She told him wisely. Jareth turned and stared down at her, wild-eyed and desperate. His shoulders were stooped in a paranoid hunch, and his once proud hair was in sad disarray.
"I don't have any spam filters! What is spam?!" He exclaimed in frustration and bewilderment. Lana shook her head sadly.
"That's what a lot of people would like to knoe." She told him. "There are a few different schools of thought on where, exactly, spam comes from. Are you atheist?" Jareth shook his head as he helped her to her feet. "Well, then..."