Foot of the Hobbit
Chapter 1
AN: Sup fools. This story is something i really think somebody needs to write about since its so fuckin obveus! Any way, chill back and witness to most epic fanfic EVVAH!
Deep in middle earth there is a place. A place where the most badass warriors ever live. The Shire.
Yeah I said it. THE SHIRE!1
Fuckin orcs drafwes, and gay ass elves got nothin on these cold blooded mofos. THe hobbits never trained in using swords and spears and shit since they learned the most epic of all weapons. thier feet, AKA, kung fu, bitches! (AN: See what I mean. all kung fu movies have those mofos usin nothing but thier feet, and thier hands sometimes, to totally fuck up any loser thats so stupid to mess with them. And hobbits have nothin but feet. [AN: seriosly have you seen those fuckers. they dont even wear shoes and they walk on rocks1]). But people thought they were all pansie assed bitches since they didn't like fighting and ate all the time (which are the signs of spotting a kung fu master BTW).
ANy way this kick ass story starts many years after those movies that have our most awesome badass's great grand dad and grandpa in it, so don't expect them since thier dead and shit. Y'know, Frodo and Bilbo Baggins. Althoh our guy would probly kill them himself since thier family heritage gave him such a doochy name to live with, but since that makes him so badass maybe its a good thing.
Dildo's training, (AN I know. sucks to be him, huh? Makes names like blake the shit right?) Started at a real young age.
When he was five he learned to play soccer with balls made out of metal and when he was seven he was taught to fold cranes with just his pinky. As he grew older Dildo's family could tell he was to be one of the greatest kung fu master's ever so they trained him hard but they also made him go to school so when he grew up he wouldnt be a total retard.
By day he would write calculus using his toes, and night he would spend the evenings practicing his martil arts with his uncle Modo, the family dojo master.
One day while he was fetching water with a thimble, Modo, his badass uncle, called him inside the hill.
"there is some thing I need to tell you. Said modo.
"What? Your not going to tell me i'm adopted or some dumb shit are you?" said Dildo.
"Of course not. Who would want some stupid ophens messing up the place. no, I wanted to tell you you're training is nearing its end. Soon you will need to leave the shire and study under other masters."
"Why uncle!?"
Modo gave him a desgusted look. "I told you moron, You're training is reaching its end."
"but why leave the Shire!" Shouted Dildo. "All the best masters are here. why go out into middle earth when all I coul d learn is how to use a lame sword.
Beacuse any master knows they never know enough. To go out into the world you will learn that too and make changes to you're style until you are a badass mofo like my self. Then you will become the dojo master and add to our history. Like our great grand dad and grandpa, both great warriors as you know."
"well duh! One kicked the shit out of dragon."
"And you could too." Said uncle clapping him on his shoulder proudly.
"Now go. since your a master in training all you need are the clothes you are wearing."
"Okay. I will return when im totally badass.
Dildo walked from the shire, his heart very heavy. He was leaving his home for the first time and even though he was a mean son of a bitch, he knew thing would never be the same when he returned. But to stop himself from crying he round housed kicked a nearby rock, smashing it into rock dust, before running into the sunset.
after all why should he sad? He was going out to see the fucking world!1 who wouldnt want that?
Later...
Master Modo watched the sun lower as he bit off the cork of his favorite bottle of malt liqcour. Even though he knew what he did was the best he wished he could've let dildo stay.
But he couldn't.
Not while the clan was in danger.
From behind him he heard some one blow out the candle and sighed. It was time...
What the fuck is happening? Why did master modo make Dildo leave when cleary some very serious shit is going down in the shire? Will there be danger for our hero before he knows it? RATE THIS CAPTER TO FIND OUT!
DO IT OR ILL ROUND HOUSE KICK YOU INTO ROCK DUST BITCHES!