Crashed Into You
A One Tree Hill fic based on the movie The Departed.
Author's Note: This is a BN/BL oneshot based on the movie The Departed. No knowledge of the movie needed. However, if you've seen the movie then you would know Lucas is Billy, Nathan is Colin, and Brooke is Madolyn. Also, for people who have seen the movie, I've kept names of some people so that should be easier to understand. Italics are flashbacks or a part of the story has taken place in the past. Enjoy! Don't forget to review.
Disclaimer: I own nothing of The Departed, or any quotes taken from the script. The names Costello, Dignam, and Queenan are all credited to the movie. That's all the brilliance of William Monahan. I hope I don't insult it. This is seriously my favorite movie, so I'd hate to do that. It pretty much follows the plotline closely, but that's the point. Maybe it will encourage anyone who hasn't seen it to see it.
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Lucas let out a deep sigh as he ran his hands through his hair roughly. There was only so much of this he could take, before he finally lost it. Who knows, maybe he already had. He'd been dealing with this for months, and it was literally driving him crazier with every second that passed.
"This is like confession, isn't it?" he asked as he finally spoke. He'd been sitting in the uncomfortable chair, in the uncomfortable office for a few minutes now. They'd gotten past the regular greetings, and Lucas' assurance that he was fine. Occasionally, he'd say something real to the brunette sitting opposite of him, but it only lasted for a few minutes.
"People lie in confession, you know that?" he asked her somewhat rhetorically, as he was pretty sure she already knew this. Everybody lies. It was fact of life. He was lying to her at this very minute, whether intentionally or not.
"Do you lie?" he asked as he looked up at her, staring straight into her eyes. Although it wasn't what she was looking for, it was something.
Brooke looked up to him, ready to play the game. She'd done it many times before. If he thought he was the first criminal she had ever seen, he was clearly mistaken. She knew how these games worked. "Honesty isn't synonymous with truth," she told him matter-of-factly.
Lucas let out a small chuckled and nodded his head. "Yeah, you lie," he told her as he pointed in her direction. "So, is it to do some good, to get somewhere personally, or just for the fuck of it?" he asked her curiously.
"I expect sometimes people do it to keep things...on an even keel," she suggested as she stared across her desk at him and shrugged her shoulders.
A slight smile rolled onto Lucas' face. "So, you had a parent who was a drunk?" he asked her as he pointed at her, turning the tables on their psychiatry session. If he was being quite honest with himself, this was the longest conversation he'd had with her since he started seeing her. Well, since he was forced to see her.
His thought on the entire situation was that it was completely fabricated. He wasn't really a criminal. He was pretending to be. He didn't spend four months in jail for something that he actually did, that was made up too. So the therapy sessions were completely unnecessary. Except for the fact that he knew things were starting to get under his skin, and he needed to do something about it.
Brooke looked up at him, surprised at his statement. She shifted in her seat, completely flustered. She hadn't meant for the session to become about her or her screwed up family. "Did you?" she managed to choke out.
Lucas shook his head, feeling completely confident in the situation. "No," he told her simply as he looked at the uncomfortable woman across from him, and smiled at the situation. This was obviously amusing him.
"So, Lucas," she said quickly to get back onto the subject at hand. "What was it like for you in jail?" she asked him curiously. She'd repeated the question many times before, but usually under completely different circumstances.
Sometimes, she would have a very unstable, very violent criminal on her hands. With Lucas, she knew it was a completely different case. He had a few assault chargers on her record, most of which very minor. If the sessions hadn't been court-ordered, she knew he wouldn't be here at this very moment.
"You want to hear about the showers?" he asked her in a joking tone.
Brooke let out a deep sigh, annoyed at his lack of seriousness. She looked up to him, with a very stern look on her face. He wasn't going to turn this around. She wasn't going to let him make a joke or two before heading out the doors again. "Did something happen to you?" she asked him.
Lucas shook his head. "No." He wasn't lying. Nothing happened to him in jail. It was outside that the troubles started.
"There's money behind this operation. You won't be paid as a cop, but there is a bonus involved. Tax free," the man told Lucas as he sat uncomfortably in front of the captain and a sergeant. "We can't conceal that you've been a trainee. You'll be convicted of a crime. We're thinking that a guilty plea to assault and battery might make sense."
"Given your nature," piped in Sergeant Dignam, someone who Lucas really disliked at the moment.
"You'll serve enough jail time to convince anyone that it's no setup. You'll see a court-ordered shrink. You'll be on probation. The whole nine yards," Captain Queenan informed him, as Lucas began to think it over. Could he do this? Could he really do this? Could he throw away his entire life, his entire identity?
"I need you, pal. You've already pretended to be a Costigan from South Boston. Do it again. For me," the sergeant told him.
Lucas looked up to the two men as he realized he was going to take the offer. What was holding him back? He had nothing. No money, no family, no life. Becoming a police officer was supposed to be his life, and this was the only way to do it.
He agreed.
Lucas spent exactly four months in jail, in which he pretended as though he was just another criminal and had no ties with the police whatsoever. After getting out of jail, he followed through. He met secretly with the captain and sergeant, and soon joined the Irish mafia headed by Frank Costello.
Did it scare him? Yes. Did it drive him insane? Yes. He walked around pretending as though he was a member of the group of cold-blooded killers. He stood by and watched as they murdered people and reported back to the police in private. Did he ever think that Costello or his men would find out and kill him? Every single day.
"You sit there with a mass murderer, and your heart-rate is jacked, your hand...steady," he told her as he stared across the desk absentmindedly. Quickly, he remembered that she was unaware of his secret life, and continued to cover it up. "That's one thing I found out about myself in prison," he told her as he straightened up in his seat and lifted his hand flat out into the air. "My hand does not shake…ever," he informed her.
"What do you expect from coming here?" she asked him quietly. She'd asked him the question before. He never gave her a straight answer. He never gave her any type of clue to as how he was feeling emotionally or physically, or what he wanted.
"I have to come here," he deadpanned, completely void of any emotion at all. It was true, he did have to come. As for why he was there, that was a completely different answer.
Lucas sighed as he looked down at the pictures of his dead mother. It was true, he had no family, but when she had been alive, she was someone. Someone he could at least talk to. Now… he was completely alone. Nobody in the world knew who he was except two police officers, a shrink, and a group of mobsters.
He wondered if it would be ending anytime soon. If the police would take Costello for the crimes he had committed. If it would ever end. He wondered if a day would ever come in which he didn't stand by and watch them commit crime after crime, sometimes even murder. If he didn't have to watch someone shoot another person in the head and set their house on fire.
He bunched up the pictures as tears started to grow in his eyes and his legs began to shake. Slowly, he read the label on the bottle of pills, before throwing a few into the back of his mouth and washing them down with a beverage.
Brooke let out a deep sigh. Here they go again. She'd had this conversation with him many times before, and she was tired of getting the same answer. "But, now that you're here, what do you want?" she continued to push, wanting an answer.
He slumped back into the chair and looked up to her, sincerity filling his eyes. "You want the truth?" he asked, his eyes widening as she nodded her head. Slowly, he brought his hand to rest under his chin. "Valium," he stated simply.
Brooke let out a deep sigh and continued to roll her eyes. "You know, if you lied, you'd have an easier time getting what you wanted," she told him disapprovingly as she closed his file.
"What's that say about what you do for a living?" he challenged her, his eyebrows raised. He was being completely honest in his intentions. Brooke brought her arms into the air and continued to shuffle around nervously. It definitely hadn't been what she had expected.
"Look, I'm having panic attacks. You didn't even ask about that. Last night I thought I was having a fucking heart attack. I puked in a trash barrel on the way in here, I haven't slept for fucking weeks," he explained to her as he raised himself up to the end of his chair and neared her desk.
Brooke looked at him, her eyebrows raised. She wasn't sure whether to believe him or not. "Is that true?"
Lucas let out a sigh in frustration as he grew more apprehensive. "Yeah, it is. I said something true!" he exclaimed as his voice grew louder. "I want some fucking pills and you're gonna what? You're gonna close my file?" he asked her rudely.
Brooke shook her head and wheeled around in her chair to pull the file back out of the cabinet. "No, I didn't close you file," she said quietly as he continued on.
"I thought I was supposed to tell the truth, here… if only fucking here!" he yelled as he continued to shuffle around, making Brooke even more nervous.
"Yes, you are!" she said back loudly to be heard over his yelling.
"A guy comes in pain, against every instinct of ...privacy, of, of, self reliance... that he has, and what do you do? You send him off to the street to score smack, is that what you do? You're fucking ridiculous," he continued to yell back harshly.
Brooke let out a deep sigh as she nervously pulled a small packet out from her desk drawer and set it on the opposite side of the desk. She looked down at it and then back up to him expectantly.
Lucas looked down at the desk, calmly, and reached out for the packet. He looked back up to her, questioningly. "Two pills?" he asked.
"Great," he stated sarcastically as he rolled his eyes. "Why don't you just give me a bottle of Scotch and a handgun to blow my fucking head off? Are we done here with this psychiatry bullshit?" he yelled and was met with her yelling back.
"You can leave!"
Lucas angrily stood up and went to the door. "And what if that was a legitimate threat? Think about it," he yelled as he opened the door. "Fucking hotshot," he mumbled as he angrily stepped out and slammed the door behind him.
Brooke sighed as she quickly scribbled words onto a piece of paper and followed him outside. She calmed down and took a breath as she caught up with him out on the sidewalk.
"Why is the last patient of the day always the hardest one?" she asked more to herself than to him as Lucas slowed down and turned around to face her.
"It's because you're tired and you don't give a shit. It's not supernatural," he stated rudely as he stopped and looked at her. He couldn't help but wonder why she had followed him out here.
"Look, I'm not just...somebody you have to see or they put you in jail. If you are in distress I will help you," she explained to him as she handed him the piece of paper.
Lucas looked down and took the paper from her hands. "What is this?" he asked.
"The prescription… and my card," she informed him, subtly telling him that he she was someone that would help him.
He smiled to her somewhat, happy that she had given him the prescription, especially after he had been so rude to her. However, he didn't feel guilty. He needed the pills, and a part of him wished he could tell her why. "Thank you," he told her sincerely.
"I'm switching you to another counselor," she informed him in a very serious tone. He nodded his head and agreed.
Brooke shook her head and turned on her heel, making her way back into her office.
"So, you wanna get a cup of coffee?" he asked her, a slight smirk playing on his face though he was completely serious. She turned around and looked at the man, completely dumbfounded.
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Brooke slowly stepped from the bathroom and made her way into the quiet living room. She noticed Nathan sitting at the coffee table nearby eating breakfast, already dressed in his suit and tie. Was she uncomfortable? Yes. Was it because of Nathan? No. Nathan she liked, it was the fact that she was standing in his living room after previously coming to his house to have sex and he was saying nothing to her.
"The light's nice here in the morning," she mentioned casually and watched as he looked up to her and said nothing. She made her way over to his kitchen and fetched fruit for herself. It really wasn't Nathan that was making her uncomfortable, because she did really like him. She felt they had a connection.
Brooke had met the dark-haired successful police detective on her way to see a patient one day in an elevator, and they definitely hit it off. He was quite charming. In fact, he was about as charming as men go, as far as she knew. They'd been on a couple dates since then, all of which went very well.
She continued to look in his direction, waiting for him to say something, but he said nothing.
"I gotta go to work," he finally said after a few minutes of silence, and simply stood up and left the apartment. Brooke gave a sigh as she retrieved her purse and left the apartment.
Nathan sat in his car, waiting for a call, and watched as Brooke stepped into her own car and left. He knew it wasn't a one night stand; he really did like Brooke and planned to further things. However, he needed to talk to Costello before he let things move too fast.
He felt somewhat bad about lying to her. She really was clueless about what was going on with him, as was the rest of the world. He hated to think about what would happen if any of the wrong people found out. His life would turn into a living hell, literally. He was betraying the police, and that was a sure way to get yourself killed.
He wasn't even quite sure how it had all started, he was so young. His dad was a preacher, hardly the kind of family that was involved with the mafia. He'd been a smart kid, always did well in school. He was taught how to be a good kid, doing and learning what's right. But that was before Frank Costello stepped into his life. Innocently sitting and eating breakfast one day, he'd been approached by Costello and told to 'stop by' sometime in the future.
What happened after that? Nathan got involved with the Massachusetts police and the Irish mafia. He was the mob's mole. He soared in the police academy, immediately put into the best unit possible. He worked with people who were trying to nail Costello and his crew, then secretly ran back to Costello and told him everything that was going on. He served Costello by helping him out of situations and such. And in return, he was as successful as any man his age could be. He was making the big bucks at the big job, and earning it in a dirty way.
Double crossing the police in order to help a group of mass murderers… yeah that was a sure way to get yourself killed. And the midst of the mess he had gotten himself into, he'd met a great girl that would be brought into it with him.
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Lucas ran his hand through his hair roughly as he signed inwardly. Did he expect to be the nervous? Certainly not. He shouldn't be nervous in the first place. This woman was someone to talk to, not someone to be 'interested' in. It wasn't so much that he was nervous around her, because this certainly wasn't the first time they had had lunch together. They'd been seeing each other as 'friends' for over a month now.
She was very reserved when he first asked her to have coffee with him. She made it a point to not see patients outside of the office. But, using the excuse that he was no longer a patient, she agreed to meet him. From then on, they'd meet casually to talk. She liked talking to him, and he liked talking to her. However, it had been almost four months since she hooked up with Nathan and things were getting serious.
That wouldn't have anything to do with Lucas, except she knew there was more between herself and Lucas than just talking.
"So I'm assuming you want to change things. Like the people you know. Change anything, change everything. Too many choices can seem like no choice at all," she told him as she observed his edgy demeanor.
"Did Confucius say that?" he asked in a joking tone as he looked back up to her and gave a smile. It wasn't uncommon for Lucas to crack jokes. It was a well made up defense mechanism.
Brooke ignored his sarcastic attitude and continued. "So you do something radical," she explained.
"Something radical, huh?" he asked her with a smirk still plastered on his face. The truth was he couldn't change anything in his life. He would love to change his life completely, but that wasn't possible.
The first time he had met Costello, he had no idea what he was in for. Did he think his job was going to be this hard? Of course not. He was getting in way over his head, and he knew it. But, it was too late to back down now. He felt the horrible presence and Costello seated next to him at the bar.
"Do you know who I am?"
Lucas turned to Costello casually, holding his composure, and shook his head. "No," he said simply… lying through his teeth. Who didn't know who Costello was?
"Come with me," he heard Costello say and watched as he stood up. Lucas remained sitting in the chair for a few more seconds before Costello continued. "I'm not the cops. I'm not asking you," he stated. Lucas nodded and stood up to follow him.
He would admit this guy scared him shitless. He was in the worst possible position ever. He was intentionally placing himself in the Irish mafia, and if anyone found out he was working for the cops, they would literally kill him. Probably in a very painful way. Then there was the fact that he would have to earn Costello's trust.
Lucas had been in the police academy for months. Costello knew that. How was he supposed to gain trust from a man who knows he was a cop and still could be?
"I'm going to have my associate search you," Costello stated as they entered a room in the back.
"Search me? Search me for what?" Lucas asked nervously. The one thing he was thankful for, he wasn't wearing a wire. Thank God he hadn't agreed to that. Otherwise, he'd be dead in two minutes.
"Contra-fucking-band. Take your shoes off," Costello demanded coldly. Lucas sat down on a chair and began removing his shoes. That alone wasn't easy, considering he had a cast on his broken arm from previously getting in a fight with someone.
"I knew your father," Costello stated. Lucas looked up to him, curiosity filling his eyes, as one of Costello's men searched his shoes.
"You know he's dead?" Lucas asked harshly, staring Costello straight in the eyes, as the man continued to search him.
"Oh, how'd he go?" Costello asked curiously. Lucas gave a slight shrug.
"He didn't complain," Lucas deadpanned, void of all emotion possible. He felt it best to have no feelings whatsoever when it came to his unbelievably messed up family.
"That was his problem," Costello stated, grasping Lucas' attention once again.
"Who said he had a problem?" Lucas bit back rudely and put his arms down after roughly being searched by the associate.
Costello looked straight towards Lucas, annoyance in his face. "I just said he had a fucking problem. There's a man that could have been anything," he replied as he watched Lucas being searched.
"Are you saying he was nothing?" Lucas asked with even more anger than before.
"I'm saying he worked at the airport," he explained and watched as his associate finished searching Lucas. "The arm," he demanded.
Lucas screamed in pain as he was pulled toward a table and had his arm slammed into it, the cast breaking off. He continued to wince in pain as the men looked through that cast in search of whatever they were looking for.
"I don't know if it's beyond some cop prick like Queenan to pull you out of the Staties, and send you after me. I just can't know," Costello informed as he moved closer to Lucas and examined the cast. Costello was one hundred percent right, and this scared Lucas even more. He screamed once again as Costello began hitting his arm, demanding to know if Lucas was a cop.
Lucas fell to the floor in tears after telling Costello he was no longer a cop, and watched him exit the room. Lucas knew, he wasn't in the academy anymore. This was real. This was violent. This was death. There's was nothing he could do to change that.
"Yeah, sometimes it's just a matter of picking a thing and doing it," Brooke informed Lucas as she took a sip of the drink in front of her.
"So how long you been with this guy?" Lucas asked, blindsiding Brooke completely.
"My boyfriend?" she asked, completely caught off guard. She'd told Lucas about the resident guy in her life, but never any details. He'd never asked… until now. "Oh four months… about four months," she told him, feeling slightly uneasy.
"Do you love him?" Lucas asked, catching Brooke even more off guard. What was she supposed to say to a thing like that? Especially when she didn't know if she loved Nathan.
"It's pretty serious, yeah, it is," she replied in a way to avoid answering the real question.
"Is he a head case like me?" Lucas asked, a smile playing on his face, and let out a slight chuckle. "Just curious…" he went on to explain. He watched as Brooke also laughed, and he couldn't help but love the smile that appeared on her face. It was nice to be so comfortable with someone. To have someone he could talk to, when he so desperately needed it. He needed someone to keep him from exploding and doing something irrational.
Things had gotten beyond complicated over the past few weeks. Specifically, when Lucas, the newest member of Costello's mafia crew, and the rest of the guys had a meeting with a few men from China. It was simple; they would sell government products to the men. The only problem, while he was selling out Costello to his handler in the police, there was another man apparently selling out the cops to Costello.
He found it somewhat strange that Costello knew exactly what do after receiving a text message, and had known that he needed to change the product to a fake. Then, after meeting his handlers the next day, the sergeant informed him that there was a rat in the police detectives. Someone inside the police force was working for Costello, and naturally, it was Lucas' job to find out who it was.
He knew he shouldn't be dependent on Brooke… at all. He shouldn't need to talk to her. But he couldn't help it, he did. He only wished he could tell her the whole truth. He wasn't a guy kicked out of the police for assaulting someone. He was undercover with the mafia.
"No more than I am," she said while chuckling. Lucas relaxed his face from a large smile into a more serious look. She was his 'friend' and that meant that he should be happy for her.
"Then you're lucky. Considering the odds, right?" he told her seriously as he took a sip of his drink and watched her somewhat nod in agreement. "Good, give him a shot," he continued on to tell her.
Brooke looked up at Lucas, staring straight into his eyes hoping to know what he was thinking and feeling, but got nothing. So maybe that wasn't exactly what she wanted to hear. "Doctors aren't supposed to have illusions," Brooke stated with a shrug.
"I'm in a serious, newly serious, relationship. There are ups and downs. Everybody has doubts, problems - I mean doubts," she said, quickly correcting her slip up, after realizing she might have gone a little too far.
"So what would you do if he was standing right there and saw us?" Lucas asked casually as he took a sip of his drink, curious about her answer. Even though, technically, she was doing nothing wrong.
"I'd lie," she stated, letting out a small disbelieving chuckle. "You know, to keep things on an even keel. We talked about that."
Lucas laughed as he nodded his head. She was a fascinating woman.
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"I'm getting the feeling we got a cop in my crew," Costello informed Nathan as the two talked into their secure phones.
"I've been getting that same feeling," Nathan replied, hesitating a bit because he knew exactly where this was going. He wouldn't just give this information to Nathan, if it didn't come with work attached.
"He's one of yours. Inside. Have you seen anything?" Costello asked Nathan.
"Look, I have no access to undercover files in Queenan's department. It's locked up. Queenan and Dignam run the snitches," Nathan explained, frustrated at the situation. Did he ever get overwhelmed with his secret job for Costello? Of course. Sometimes, it could drain the life out of him.
"Let's start with this...get me all the information on the people around you. Everyone that works for you. Get me real first names. Get me…" Nathan started as he sighed into the phone and began thinking of a plan that he could use.
"Get you? Give you? Who the fuck do you work for?" Costello asked harshly, earning an annoyed groan from Nathan. This wasn't how either wanted to start the day.
"Okay, Frank, I'm sorry...could you please get me social security numbers. I need driver's license numbers, full names, dates of birth, anything like that. Bank account numbers, everything that you don't get from a criminal record or, or a wrap sheet or a…" Nathan rambled, overwhelmed and frustrated.
"I'll get you the records but listen to me son, don't disappoint me on this," he told Nathan in a calm, yet very threatening tone. Nathan mumbled an 'okay' and hung up the phone.
"Good morning," Nathan cooed as he watched Brooke enter the apartment a minute later and come into the kitchen. He smiled to her as he wrapped his arms around her and planted a kiss on her lips.
"I beat the movers," she said in a joking tone after parting from Nathan.
"How was last night at the old place?" he asked her as he watched her start sorting through a few things in a box that she had brought over.
Brooke looked up to him with a smile on her face. "It was lonely," she told him and went back to the things in the box.
"I'm glad to here that. It sucked here, too," he told her and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before she started pulling out coffee and doughnuts that she had gotten them.
Nathan looked down into the box and began sorting through her things himself. He pulled out a picture frame of Brooke as a little girl and quickly put it back into the box. "Well, we're not having this out," he said before picking up the box and heading off for their bedroom.
Brooke looked up to him, a little taken aback. "What?" she asked in a very confused tone.
Nathan simply gave her a shrug and set the box in the bedroom before coming back into the living room. "You don't see any pictures of where I came from. Look, I respect who you are, but not in the living room. We might have company," he explained to her.
"You like me living here?" she asked him a few minutes after finishing her coffee. He made his way around the island in the kitchen, placed his hands on her hips, and kissed her once more.
"Yes, I do," he told her and kissed her one more time before stepping away from her. "I gotta get to work," he told her an abruptly left her standing in the kitchen.
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"I'm gonna get on a plane unless you put Queenan on the phone," Lucas yelled frantically into the phone, his breath ragged and his heart racing. He was beyond overwhelmed, beyond scared, and maybe even getting a little crazy. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to handle it.
He was walking through the airport, literally about to leave. He wanted to jump on a plane and go as far away as possible. He was in over his head, and he couldn't get out. At least, not yet, not safely. He knew he should see someone. He had real problems. The anxiety alone was something that needed to be addressed.
Sure, he was seeing Brooke, but that was personally… not professionally. He needed to see a counselor professionally, but he wouldn't. All he needed was Brooke and he was fine. He knew it was unhealthy, for both of them.
"Queenan had a funeral to go to. This is my shift. Calm down," his handler told him calmly and carelessly. Lucas could hit him. He could actually walk straight up the cop and punch him in his jaw. He'd come close to it before. This guy didn't care about him, not really. All they cared about was getting Costello.
"Why shouldn't I get on a fucking plane? Meet up? Do you actually want me dead? There's a rat in your unit. That's a fact. Where's Queenan?"
"Not here," Dignam replied in an annoyed tone, rolling his eyes as he did so.
"They knew you had cameras in the building. You have a leak from the inside. It's real. Smoke him out. Where's Queenan?" he asked again as he yelled into the phone and abruptly stopped walking through the airport.
"Are you deaf? He's not fucking here. Call me when you get something real," Dignam deadpanned into the phone and quickly hung up.
Lucas let out a deep sigh as he rested his head against the glass window in the middle of the terminal. He was having a panic attack, he knew it. Quickly, he reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle, gripped a few pills inside his palm, and through them into his mouth. He sighed inwardly and closed his eyes slowly. A minute later, after somewhat calming down, he began dialing a number on his phone.
"It's me," he said as he answered the phone. Upon hearing Brooke's soft voice answer on the phone, he felt a slight wave of calmness go through him. He wondered what she would say if he told her this. "Can you meet me for lunch?"
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Lucas let out a deep breath to calm himself down, before knocking on the door in front of him. He knew he was crossing a line. Maybe he even was before. But, meeting for coffee or lunch once or even twice a week was understandable… showing up at her house wasn't. He knew that. But he also knew he had nowhere else to go.
It had been three weeks since he last saw her… a lunch meeting after he called her in the airport. His mind was now in overdrive, and he was sure it was all shot to hell. He wasn't going to get out. Things weren't going to get better.
"What the fuck do you do?" Lucas demanded as he pushed the metal end of the gun further against the man's forehead. He couldn't help but think of the irony. Only a year ago he wanted to be a cop, a good guy, stopping people from what he was doing right at the moment. So yes, he was still a cop, still a good guy, but nobody knew that.
"What, I pay Costello and wait for him to trade me to the FBI? Cause that's what he does," said the man, a previous dealer for Costello… someone that Costello had sent Lucas to see.
"FBI? What the fuck are you talking about?" Lucas yelled frantically as he looked down at the man, completely in shock.
"Why do you think he's never arrested? Costello's a protected FBI informant. He'll trade you out."
That had been two weeks ago. Lucas had no idea what to do. He was stuck. Not only was he hiding from these men who would kill him if they found out he was a cop, but there was a possibility that it would never end. Costello was never going to prison. Lucas was stuck.
"Boss wants your real name, your social, your license number, all your bank account numbers," Costello's assistant informed, well more like demanded, Lucas. He knew what this was about; they were looking for the rat. They were looking for him, and one of these days they were going to find out the truth.
"I don't have a bank account," Lucas deadpanned as he groaned inwardly, and sat down on a barstool. Immediately the man was shoving a paper in his face and spitting out more orders.
"You fill in the papers, real name, all your numbers, no fucking around, and then we all wait here," he further explained, and received a nod from Lucas. "Put the forms in there," he said, and placed an envelope on the counter.
Lucas began to fill out all of the information he had been told to, stuff it into a white envelope, stood up from the counter, and started walking towards the door.
"Lucas, he said to stay here," Lucas heard the man call after him. He let out a deep groan and turned around.
"I'm not staying," he said simply and matter-of-factly. He stepped out of the warehouse, and stood still, looking around for a few minutes. What was he to do? Where was he to go? He had nothing, nobody. And then he realized the one person that could help him, without her even knowing it.
A sincere smile emerged on Lucas' face as he saw Brooke walking towards the door, and opened it up for him. He could see the expecting look on her face, most likely wondering how he had found her apartment. Well, technically her old apartment. They'd been out together at various places many times, but never to her house.
"Your name's on the pill label," he explained to her. He stepped closer to her house, considering the rain that was outside, but he didn't go in, and he didn't plan to until she invited him in. He knew it was inappropriate. He knew he shouldn't there, not now, not ever.
"I thought you weren't supposed to be in the book, in case of obsessive patients," he said, somewhat absentmindedly as she ushered him inside and he hesitantly followed.
"How obsessive are you?" she asked, with a small hint of a smile on her face. Lucas looked up to her, a smile plastered on his own face, and ran his hands through his short, wet hair.
"Medium," he replied, a slight chuckle escaping his lips. He continued to look around restlessly, noticing the boxes carelessly sitting everywhere. If he didn't know any better, he'd say she was moving in.
"Are you okay?" she asked as she closed the door behind him and made her way back into the house. Lucas looked up to her, confusion and sadness evident in her eyes. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to just blurt out all the horrible things going on in his life. He wanted to tell her the truth about everything. But he couldn't.
"If this is inappropriate... I can leave," he told her honestly, successfully avoiding her initial question.
"No, no, it's not inappropriate...you're not a patient," she told him.
"You moving in or out?" Lucas asked as he continued to look around.
She had so many home things sitting in the house as though she didn't plan on leaving. He knew not to question whether or not she loved Nathan, whether or not she wanted to move in with him. He had no right to ask such a thing, but he also knew that she couldn't possibly be sure about this, and it honestly seemed as though she didn't love him. At least, not fully.
"I still have three weeks on the lease…" she trailed off, deciding not to explain any further, and gave a slight shrug of her shoulders.
Lucas looked down, noticing a box of things sitting next to him, and began to sort through a few things. Brooke had taken it Nathan's apartment, well her new apartment, but immediately brought it back after he had told her it wouldn't be in the living room. Quite honestly, she still wasn't sure whether or not she wanted to move in with him, or spend her life with him.
"That's me," Brooke muttered as he pulled the picture that Nathan had rejected out of the box.
Lucas gave a sincere smile, and placed it on a hook on the wall. "Yeah, I know."
Brooke watched him, a slight smile playing on her face. "Would you like a cup of tea?" she asked him.
"Yeah. Yeah I would. Thank you," he told her as he carefully put things back into the box that he took them from.
"Do you want some…" she trailed off as she watched him looking around at things comfortably as though he could live in that very same place with her.
"Sugar?" he asked, reading her mind, and thinking the very same thoughts she was. "No."
Oddly enough, he was comfortable in the very moment with her. He was more comfortable, in a place he had never been in before, than ever before. Lately, Lucas had always felt completely out of place. As though he was watching his life play out in front of him, but the second he was with Brooke he felt right.
"I've always needed my own place," she explained as she looked around at the countless number of things she had.
"Hedging your bets?" he asked her as he took the cup of tea from her began drinking is lightly.
"No," she replied quickly and forcefully as she looked up at him. "I told you there's a choice. You choose...you have to make a…"
"Decision?" he finished for her, receiving a nod in response.
"...decision and stick by what you choose. You have to…"
"Move in with your boyfriend?" he finished once again, looking at her straight in her eyes with a somewhat expectant glare.
"Yes. Stick by what you...otherwise it's…" she started, but trailed off as she watched his body language intently. She could tell he was nervous, jumpy and fidgeting, but that he was so open with her. Maybe he didn't even know that, but she could sense it.
"I have to say that your vulnerability is really freaking me out right now. Is it real?" she asked, and a part of her knew she was desperately praying it was real.
"Yeah, I think so," he told her honestly. He looked away, partly to avoid her gaze because he knew within two more seconds he might just crack and tell her everything, and partly to continue his viewing of the apartment. It really spoke a lot about who she was. "You don't have cats."
"No."
"I like that," he told her as he nodded her head, and turned back to look at her. He slowly walked towards the counter that she was sitting on top of. She could hear, and feel, his deep breathing as he came closer to her. She could feel his warmth as he got within a foot of her.
"That's good," he mumbled, his thoughts somewhere else. His hands gripped the counter on both sides of her. He looked down into her eyes, questioningly for a second, before he knew to proceed. Slowly, he leaned towards her and began kissing her lips softly. He brought his hands up, began kissing her more roughly, and began unbuttoning her shirt.
Brooke knew it was wrong, for many reasons. She was with Nathan, whether she wanted to be or not, she was committed to him. Deep down, in her heart, she knew she wanted this. She wanted him. But in her head, she knew this was wrong. What kind of future did she have with a man fresh out of prison? Nathan was safer.
She brought her hands up for a second to push him away. He looked to her eyes for a second, and watched as she gave in and wrapped her hands around his neck, pulling him closer towards her. He brought his hands up to her face and began kissing her more passionately.
She pulled off his hooded jacket as they made their way into her bedroom, and he crashed his lips back onto hers. He wanted and needed her, on many levels, and they could both feel that. In a sense, she believed she needed him too. Her heart needed him.
Lucas lifted his shirt off over his head, throwing it onto a heap of boxes on the floor, slowly lowered himself onto the bed. A smile escaped her face through her ragged breath.
-------
"If I did it full time, law school, I'd be through in a year. I'm thinking that. If I wasn't a cop," Nathan whispered lightly, a few minutes after hearing her let out a sigh. He was lying with his back to her, as he had been for the past thirty minutes, but neither of them was asleep. They both knew that.
"What's going on?" she asked him, slightly confused, but partly relieved.
"I don't get it," Nathan told his captain with confusion written all over his face.
"We are all convinced that Costello has at least one mole in the Special Investigations Unit. You'll investigate. Everybody. Anybody. We have considered all possible candidates. You have an immaculate record. Some people never trust a guy with an immaculate record. I do," the man replied to Nathan.
He didn't know whether this was a good thing or not. His job was going to be to find himself? It was nice to know that they picked him, but what would happen when he fails to deliver the rat? After all, it was him.
"Nothing," he told Brooke, although it was clearly a lie.
"You're getting reassigned," Costello told Nathan, beating him to it. Nathan was meeting him to tell Costello that, and he already knew?
"How the fuck did you know that?" he demanded, somewhat confused, somewhat worried.
"Where'd they put you?" Costello asked, ignoring his question. Nathan looked at him, clearly not satisfied.
"I have to find myself," Nathan replied, a small chuckle escaping as he said it. "I have to find the guy you have in the department," he continued to explain.
"With everybody looking up their own ass and you looking for yourself, I put my money on nobody finding nothing," Costello said harshly in a joking tone.
"Frank, for me, you've got to lay low," Nathan pleaded, the hope clearly evident in his eyes. Nathan knew his so much of him, his life even, was banked on Costello.
"Laying low is not what I do," Costello informed him, a smirk played on his face.
"Frank, what good am I to you if you don't listen to me? Queenan's compartmentalizing. He's fucking smart, you know that. I will find this rat if you let me do it my way. If you let me do my job," Nathan continued to plead.
"Okay," Costello said hesitantly, and handed the envelope that contained his crew's accounts, numbers, etc to Nathan. "But Nathan, I hope I won't have to remind you, that if you don't find that cheese eating rat bastard in your department it won't be me who pays for it."
"Why would you need to remind me of that? I didn't know that would I be any good at what I do? Trust me. I know how to do this. It involves lying, and I'm pretty fucking good at that, right?" Nathan said, slightly laughing at the irony of the situation, of the whole mess.
"Who knows what's easy? Nathan, take care of business," Costello told him, with a very threatening glare, and left.
"There's nothing going on. Just thinking," Nathan told Brooke softly. He was scared. He would never admit that, but he was. He wanted out. "Another city...I'm thinking that," he explained, somewhat afraid of what she had to say of the situation. Maybe they didn't love each other, maybe they weren't right for each other, but he cared about her. He didn't want to intentionally hurt her.
"Another city? It'd be a clean slate," Brooke said, not quite sure of what to make of the situation. A part of her was hurt, and didn't want it to end. She was secure with him, and she did have feelings for him. Yet, the other part of her knew that wasn't enough, and was relieved at his words.
"I want you to know you don't gotta stay. If we're not going to make it, it's got to be you that gets out. I'm not capable," he told her quietly. He could feel a small wet drip fall onto his shoulders as he hands grazed over his back.
"Not a bad idea, another city," she told him softly.
-------
"He's crazy. I just saw the man. He had blood all over him. I can't get any more information for you. I can't trust it. He's not including his regular guys... I'm telling you, he's gonna find out who I am. He's gonna fucking kill me, I know it," Lucas said frantically as he roughly ran his hands through his hair.
He had problems. Real, physiological problems, and he knew that. He was having panic attacks, he clearly had anxiety. He could feel everything inside of him burst every second that he stood by Costello and his men, and watch them kill someone in cold blood. He needed out. He couldn't do it anymore.
"All right, all right. I hear you. I'm sorry for you trouble. Look, I'm not gonna jeopardize your safety any longer. I'll get you put. I can't do it overnight but I'll do it. We can bust him for what we have. At least I think we can," Queenan replied.
They were having a secret meeting. Well, they thought it was secret. Two minutes later, men from the police and from Costello showed up to intercept the meeting. Lucas ran. He ran for his life. He knew that if he didn't show up at all, Costello's men would know he was the rat. So he ran from the building they were in and reentered at the front. As he did so, he found Queenan, one of the only two men in the entire world that knew his true identity, dead on the ground.
Later that day, after Queenan died, Lucas sat in his own apartment, downing alcohol, and sitting nervously. What else did he have to do? Where else did he have to go? This was his life. Then, he saw his phone ringing, and the caller: Queenan. He picked up the phone, saying nothing, and was met with silence. Quickly, he hung up. A few minutes later, he called back.
"You called this number on a dead guy's phone. Who are you?" Lucas demanded frantically. He knew he didn't have time for bullshit anymore. This was it. He was dead.
"So it is you. Thank God you're all right. We were very worried," Nathan spoke into the phone. He'd found Queenan's phone on the dead body.
"Who are you?" Lucas asked, once more.
"You're talking to Sergeant Scott. I'm taking over Queenan's unit," Nathan informed him, though completely lying. He'd gotten his big break. He could meet this man, find out who the actual rat was, tell Costello, and things would get back to normal.
"Let me talk to Dignam to confirm it," Lucas ordered him as she paced back and forth through his apartment.
"Staff Sergeant. Dignam has... taken a leave of absence. He's very upset. We're all very upset. The best thing would be for your to come in. We need you to come in," Nathan pleaded, trying to sound as professional as a cop in his situation would.
Immediately, Lucas hung up.
"I tried to call you a few times," Lucas said, throwing his cigarette to the ground, as Brooke stepped out of her office building. It was dark out, late at night, and he was barely visible, but she could see him. She could feel him before she even noticed his figure.
"I know. I can't…" she trailed off, her voice quiet and shaking. She knew what she was about to do, and she hated it. She didn't want to, but she had to. She stepped closer to him, feeling his presence so close to her. Slowly, he relaxed against her body and rested his head against her stomach.
He wished, beyond normal human comprehension, that he could tell her what was going on. He needed her so much, and she had no idea why. Sadly, she ran her hands through his hair, and then slowly backed away from him.
"I can't be a friend to you. I can't. I'm sorry," she said softly, her voice cracking as she uttered the words.
"It's okay." He told her softly as he stood up and began to watch her walk away. "I know," he mumbled, mostly to himself.
-------
Lucas stood up as a younger looking man stepped into what appeared to be his own office. He let out a deep sigh, ready for everything to end. Costello was dead. He was shot by Sergeant Scott in police-mob shootout, along with most, if not all, of his men, two weeks after Queenan had died. They were all on their way to another drug deal, Lucas had informed Scott via cell phone where they were headed. The cops should up, and it ended in blood.
Lucas was very thankful for this. Now that Costello and most of his men were dead, Lucas was free to come forth with his true identity. To let everyone know he was the informant that had been working with the now deceased Queenan and the missing Dignam. He no longer had to work for the police while pretending to be in the mob. He was done. It was finally over. He was getting his money, getting his identity, and getting as far away from this stuff as possible.
"Nathan Scott... We spoke on the phone," the man told him as they extended their arms and quickly shook hands. "How long have you been undercover?" Nathan asked curiously as Lucas sat down across from him.
"Long time. Long fucking time," Lucas said, groaning as he said the words. It'd been so long, he really had no idea what the real world was like. He had no idea what he was going to do after this. After all, he had nothing, no one.
"I can't begin to tell you what a debt we owe you," Nathan told him appreciatively, although he couldn't help but feel slight resentment against the man. After all, he had been the one to cause him so much trouble in the past couple of months.
"I just want my identity back," Lucas said simply, ready to get things done and get out of there. "You'll have to excuse me. My only contact has been with a police shrink," Lucas said rudely.
Nathan quickly looked up from his computer to stare Lucas straight in his eye. He couldn't help but wonder if his shrink had been Brooke, considering she was one of the small few who saw both police officers and criminals. "Was that... helpful for you?"
Lucas shook his hand and waved his arms. He wasn't getting into anything involving his time undercover. "I'm all done being a cop. I just want to get my money and go home," Lucas demanded impatiently.
"Fair enough. You've given a lot. I can get you your file," Nathan said and stood up from his computer. Lucas nodded as Nathan went to get his file. Lucas stepped towards his desk, to get a cup of coffee, when he noticed something that piqued his curiosity. Sitting buried under a few file folders was a white envelope with writing on the front.
The exact same one that he had put his information in… the exact same one that was given to Costello's cop informant. And that's when he realized it… Nathan was the rat. Lucas grabbed his things and quickly left.
Lucas stood against the wall impatiently outside of Brooke's office. He didn't want to be here, and he knew she didn't want him to be here, but where else was he to go. He had to do this. He looked up to her as she stepped out of her office, and backed up a few feet.
"I've got something to give to you...something I need you to keep. For me," he told her quickly as he neared her and lightly gripped the side of her arms. He needed her to see just how serious he was, just how important this was. He looked into her eyes, knowing she was going to help him, and then pulled out a small mailing envelope from his picket and handed it to her.
"What is it?" she asked, slightly confused, as she took it from him.
"I need you to be my friend here and not ask any questions. That's for you to hold. Only you. Open this if I'm dead or if I call you and tell you to open it. Please do exactly what it says. Exactly what it says, please," he pleaded with her. He was running out of time, he knew it. He'd found out four days earlier that Nathan Scott was Costello's informant. He had a plan, and it was a dangerous one at that.
"All right," she said softly, nodding to him.
"I'm sorry to show up here like this," he said softly as he looked away from her, not being able to stare into her eyes any longer or he knew he just might break. "There was no one else I could give it to. I'm sorry," he said sincerely as he began to step away from her. "There was no one else," he muttered, cynically chuckling at the irony.
"I...we... I've, it's, been so confused... I just want to say…" she stated, stumbling over the words to stay. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say. That she was making the wrong decision?
"Whatever you have to say, really think about it, and if you still want to tell me, tell me in two weeks, all right?" he asked as he pulled her hands into his and watched her sadly nod, before making his way out of the building.
-------
Brooke let out a soft, quiet sigh as she watched Nathan enter in the bathroom. She wondered if she would be able to go on like this. She knew the answer. She could do it now. She could be with Nathan, but surely not for the rest of her life. She cared about him, she had deep feelings for him, she really did, but that wouldn't be enough. Maybe now, but not forever.
She began sorting through the mail, seeing only a few things that were hers. She still found it weird that she lived in this place, with Nathan, even though she had for awhile now. And then, she saw it. Immediately, the thick package dropped to the counter, sliding from her hands. She drew in a deep breath and gripped her hands on the counter.
L. E. Roe was written in the left hand corner of the envelope, with Nathan's name and address written in the middle. She turned around quickly, looking towards the direction of the bathroom to see if Nathan was coming out, before quickly ripping the package open. A CD was inside, with a label that gave an order to play and a phone number. She quickly ran towards the stereo system and inserted the disc, putting the headphones on her ears.
Frank, for me, you've got to lay low.
Confused etched across her face, she folded her arms, and narrowed her eyes into slits with furrowed brows. It was Nathan's voice, she knew that much. What she didn't know was what she was listening to.
Laying low is not what I do.
She heard the voice, though unaware exactly who it was she was hearing. The real question though… was why had Lucas sent this to Nathan?
Frank, what good am I to you if you don't listen to me? Queenan's compartmentalizing. He's fucking smart, you know that. I will find this rat if you let me do it my way. If you let me do my job.
She heard Nathan's voice speaking again, and this time she didn't like what she was hearing. Not at all. She could feel anger building inside of her when she realized what she was hearing. Frank. Frank Costello. There wasn't a person in the city that didn't know who he was, especially someone that worked with any cops or criminals. And Nathan was working for him?
She watched as Nathan neared her while towel-drying his hair. He too had a confused look on his face, and asked her what was going on. Brooke bit down in her mouth to keep from yelling at him, and snatched out the headphones cord.
Okay, but Nathan, I hope I won't have to remind you, that if you don't find that cheese eating rat bastard in your department it won't be me who pays for it.
Why would you need to remind me of that? I didn't know that would I be any good at what I do? Trust me. I know how to do this. It involves lying, and I'm pretty fucking good at that, right?
Brooke looked towards him, pulled her arms apart from her chest, and swiftly slapped him on the right side of his face. "I thought I was the liar," she spat at him, shoved the CD case into his hands, and quickly ran to their bedroom, slamming the door shut behind her.
-------
Lucas turned over onto his side, and roughly scratched at the side of his face. He couldn't sleep. Actually, it was more than that. He couldn't close his eyes because the second he did, panic kicked in and shots rang out in his head. He was clear, he was free. It was all over… yet he wasn't sure how long it would take him to get past everything. How long would it take for him to get passed the violence, the death, the fear, the anxiety? He'd lived through his own personal hell. It would take some time to adjust.
He no longer had a thing to worry about, though. He could lay in his apartment for weeks and weeks, without a care in the world. Nathan had called the number on the CD case, and Lucas ordered him to meet him. He did. When Nathan showed up, Lucas pushed a gun against his head, and arrested him.
Eventually, Dignam showed up to help, seeing as how Lucas was no longer a cop. Nathan tried to resist arrest, and Dignam shot him square in the head. The two men had been debriefed, and then they both told the police force of what exactly had happened over the past year. Lucas was awarded the Medal of Merit in a sinfully boring ceremony, given his pay for the job, and was then free to return home.
He slowly and carefully closed his eyes, in hopes of actually going to sleep. As he did so, he heard what sounded like a body falling onto the hard ground, Queenan's body to be exact, but was really hearing a loud knock on the door. He slowly stood up and made his way towards the living room, the kitchen, and then to the front door. He looked through the small hole, a smile emerging on his face, and then unlocked the three chains on his door.
"Hey," he said softly, and folded his arms across his chest. He was met with her soft voice, and then motioned for her to come inside. The two stepped into the apartment, standing across from each other in the kitchen.
"I, umm," Brooke started, unsure of what exactly she had to say. She wasn't even sure of what she was thinking, let alone what she could say. "What… what happened?" she asked, her voice barely audible in the silent apartment.
He lightly touched her arm and ushered her towards the table. He neared the stove, and put on a pot of water, remembering that she liked the tea.
"I know you told me not to open the envelope, but after Nathan's funeral I had too many questions. I was, confused to say the least so I opened it and read all the documents about Nathan and about you. What happened?"
He sat across from her, and began telling her the story. He told her everything. What he'd been asked to do in the beginning, which cleared a few things up for her as to why he was having such problems when they met. He went on to explain all details of what happened while he was with Costello. He then told her about finding out the Nathan was the rat and everything that happened after that.
By the end of the story, she was standing in the kitchen pacing back and forth. She could hear the pot whistling, but she for some reason neither of the two could move to turn it off. Brooke was shocked, to say the least. She was angry at Nathan, for lying to her for so long, whether he was dead or not. She felt beyond stupid because she had been so blind to his secret activities. Her heart broke with every sentence that Lucas told her, and she began wishing she hadn't left him.
At the time, she knew it was the only thing she could do. Her heart had told her to go with Lucas, to give in and be with him, but she was too afraid. She though Nathan was safe and secure. Now, looking back, she felt incredibly guilty for not being there for Lucas when he had needed someone most, and she was all that he had. She knew that was a mistake she was never going to make again.
The story did, however, clear many things up for her. She now understand why Lucas was so edge, why he was having so many problems, and why Nathan was so closed off and secretive. She quickly ran towards the stove, and turned off the burner, inhaling and exhaling loudly and deeply. Slowly, she made her way over to Lucas, lowered herself to the floor so that she was eye level with Lucas.
Her hand delicately stroked through his hair and to the side of his face. She could feel his warm breath on hers, the two merely inches apart, and she closed her eyes slowly. She was at peace just feeling his presence near her. She opened her eyes and looked straight into his. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she whispered sincerely, her hand still lightly pressed to the side of his face.
He gave a slight nod, before taking hold of her hand, with his own, and touching her lips with his own. He brought his hands to her face and began kissing her more passionately, before pulling himself and her to a stand and making their way towards his bedroom.
As he lay next to her, his arms wrapped tightly around her petite frame, for the first time in over a year and a half he slept peacefully.