Hi everyone! I am not really sure how this is going to work out, but I really enjoy writing and BTR so I thought 'Eh, why not?' Okay, so I am just going to say this right now, I am TERRIBLE AT UPDATING. I am crazy busy with school, and I have gymnastics everyday. It makes my life insanity. Yet, here I am typing away.

Disclaimer: I do not own BTR. However, when I see them, I know someday I will call one of them mine!

Kendall ran into his room and slammed the door. He ran his hand through his s sweaty golden hair. This wasn't happening. Kendall wanted to wake up and realize it was all just a terrible, terrible dream. He wanted everything to stay just the way it was. He liked it that way.

Kendall fell onto his bed and buried his face into his pillow. He screamed as loud as he could. He screamed until his throat was dry and could no longer function. Then he cried. He cried for himself. He cried for James, Carlos, Katie and his mother. But most of all, he cried for Logan.

Logan…

Kendall heard a knock on the door. "Kendall, buddy? Can we come in?" Kendall did not have the heart to respond. Or, maybe, it was just his throat. He just couldn't say anything, no matter what the cause was. Kendall heard the squeak of the door hinges as his door opened slowly. "Oh, Kendall." He heard James say. He heard the springs of his bed creak, and he felt comforting hands gently rub his back. However, Kendall could not take comfort in them. He was completely inconsolable.

"Kenny," Carlos whimpered. "We are all hurting right now." Kendall's heart hurt as he heard Carlos call him Kenny. No one had called him Kenny since they were six. Kendall slowly picked his head up from his pillow. He looked at two of his best friends. Carlos' eyes were red and puffy. The sparkle was no longer there. It seemed as if the energy and love of life had been drained out of him. James didn't look much better. His hair was tousled and was standing every which way. His eyes were also bloodshot from the tears that persisted to fall. Kendall could only imagine how he looked. It was probably much worse.

The three boys looked into each other's eyes. So many emotions were portrayed in those boys eyes. Pain. Anger. Confusion. Pity. Heartbreak. Finally, Carlos broke the silence. "Why?" He asked, looking back and forth between his friends, begging for an answer. "Why Logan? He didn't deserve any of this…" Carlos trailed off as he choked on a sob. More tears spilled over from Carlos' brown eyes. Kendall and James exchanged a sad glance.

"I don't know, Carlos. I just don't know!" James cried. Carlos leaned his head on James' shoulder and sobbed. James hugged the smaller boy tightly. Kendall put his head in his hands. He felt as if the walls were closing in on him.

"Kendall?" James asked. Kendall looked up at his friends. When Kendall saw the look in his friend's eyes, he broke down all over again. (IT'S LIKE I'M FALLING IN LOVE ALL OVER AGAIINNNN! Oh, sorry, got sidetracked there…) His body shook with gut wrenching sobs. James and Carlos pulled Kendall into a tight embrace. Kendall cried with his best friends. They cried for themselves. They cried for Katie and Mrs. Knight. But most of all, they cried for Logan.

For what seemed like days, Kendall, James and Carlos stayed like this. They held onto each other for dear life. Soon, Mrs. Knight came into the room. Her eyes were also bloodshot. She had been crying. She cried for herself. She cried for her son, his friends and her daughter. But most of all, she cried for Logan. "James, Carlos, sweeties…" Mrs. Knight whispered. The three boys looked up at the women. The complete and utter pain in their eyes broke her heart. She wanted to make their pain go away. However, this was not in her power. "You all need to get some sleep. Logan needs you." James snapped his eyes shut at the mention of Logan. Carlos buried himself further into James' shoulder. Kendall flinched and continued to cry. However, James and Carlos nodded, and headed wordlessly to their own room. Mrs. Knight pulled them both into a tight embrace before they left, whispering comforting words into their ears. They sniffled and shuffled out of the door to their room.

Kendall leaned back onto his bed. Mrs. Knight sighed and walked over to her son. "Oh, Kendall," She whispered. He sat up and looked at her with tear filled eyes.

"Mama…" he whimpered. Mrs. Knight hugged Kendall tight. She had never seen Kendall this hurt and vulnerable before. It scared her.

"Kendall," She whispered, "You are the strongest person I know. And honey, I know it doesn't matter how strong you are in this kind of situation. It hurts no matter what. But, Kendall, you boys have made it through everything together and that isn't about to stop now." Kendall nodded against his mother's shoulder. "I wish I could say everything will be okay, but I don't know that. All I can say, is that we need to trust that God has a plan for all of us, and fighting his plan is like trying to scream louder than Gustavo." Kendall smiled slightly at this. "Okay, honey?" Kendall nodded. "Now get some sleep." Mrs. Knight stood up from her son's bed and walked toward the door.

"Mama?" He asked. Mrs. Knight looked at her broken son. "I love you. And, thanks. I really needed that." Mrs. Knight tried to muster a smile for her son.

"You're welcome, honey. And, I love you too. Forever and ever." Mrs. Knight looked at her son once more, then closed the door quietly. Kendall leaned back on his bed. He closed his eyes. He invited, no, begged, sleep to come and dull the pain. Soon, Kendall's eyes were fixed upon Logan's empty bed. He couldn't think straight. He had to clear his head.

Kendall stood and walked to his desk. His hastily grabbed a notebook and a pen. He silently tip-toed out of his room into the kitchen. He tore out a piece of notebook paper and quickly wrote his mother a note.

Went to roof. Need to clear head. Don't worry. I love you.

-K

Kendall nodded in approval and silently left the apartment and traveled to the rooftop of the Palm Woods. He sat down on the railing and sighed softly. He had so many memories here at the Palm Woods with him. Kendall remembered why he was up here and opened his notebook. He took a deep breath and let his thoughts pour out upon the page.

Hey Lo. It's me, Kendall.

I know what you are thinking, 'Letters? Really, are you that corny Kendall?' Well, Logan, this is the only way that I can clear my head right now. Everything is falling apart, Lo. The walls are closing in on us. I guess I should have seen it coming. We were living the dream. Big Time Rush was on top of the charts and we could not be happier. But, as Robert Frost says, "Nothing gold can stay."

I remember it clearly. It has been replaying in my mind all day, Logan. We were on dance practice with Mr. X. You seemed a little off. You were messing up moves that you usually perform at ease. Mr. X was becoming extremely frustrated with you. I could tell you needed a break. Why didn't I say something? I guess I was just focused on finishing practice, then lounging by the pool at the Palm Woods. I didn't see any of this coming.

You collapsed. I remember screaming you name and kneeling down beside you. I begged you to wake up, Lo. But you didn't. Gustavo called an ambulance while James, Carlos, and I stayed by you side, watching over you intently. The EMTs rushed into the studio and loaded you onto a stretcher. They immediately hooked you up to oxygen and checked your heart rate. Logan, I had never been more scared in my life. And from the moment they loaded you into the ambulance and told us to meet you at the hospital, I knew things were going to take a turn for the worse. And boy, they did.

Gustavo, Kelly, James, Carlos, and I all rushed to the hospital. The ride there was a total blur. All I could think about was you, Lo. The moments we shared played through my mind. Guess what, Logan? The moments we shared is my new favorite movie.

When we got to the hospital, the receptionist told us to sit down in the waiting room and the doctor would be with us as soon as possible. For hours on end, we sat there. My mom and Katie came sometime in those dreadful hours, but all I could think about was you, Hortense Logan Mitchell. In fact if a had a penny for every time you crossed my mind while we were waiting for the diagnosis, I would have one cent, because, Logan, you never left it. (FYI: I DON'T OWN THAT QUOTE.)

Finally, the doctor came out. He introduced himself as Dr. Mollow. I actually screamed at him and told him to 'cut the small talk and tell us what the heck was wrong with you.' I know you would scold me and tell me not to be rude, but Lo, drastic times call for drastic measures.

Then came the moment where I heard the worst news of my life.

You have cancer, Lo. I felt like my world came crashing down on me. You, Logan Mitchell, have cancer? No way! This is the kind of stuff you read about happening to other people, and you feel bad for them. This wasn't supposed to happen to us! My mom took a sharp inhale of breath, and Katie started to cry. Carlos had a blank look on his face. James had tears collecting in his eyes, threatening to spill over. And, me? I got up and punched a hole in the wall.

Let's just say, not my best plan.

After the doctor rambled on about treatment options to my mom and my hand was concluded to be fine, we were allowed to see you. Thank God that by then you had woken up. As I entered the room, my green eyes locked with your brown ones. And Logan, I realized something.

I am in love with you.

It's like one of those cliché love stories. A person loves their best friend, and the best friend gets sick. But in the end, there is always a happily ever after. What if we don't get a happily ever after, Logan? What if you di- no, I refuse to think about it.

But Logan, I truly am in love with you. I have thought about it a lot, as I sit on the roof of the Palm Woods and write this letter to you. I have been denying it for ages now, simply thinking that since you are my best friend, of course I love you. It's a natural feeling. But now, Lo, this experience has made me realize that you mean so much more to me than a best friend. You are not only an amazing person, a genius, a talented singer and dancer, and a fantastic friend, but you are the love of my life. Plus, the fact that you're handsome is just an added bonus.

When I saw you lying helpless in that hospital bed, I knew we were fighting an uphill battle. This disease was not going down without a fight. But, Logan, you looked so broken. I knew you needed your brothers. So, I sat down in the chair next to you bed and grabbed hold of you hand. You looked over at me and smiled softly. James and Carlos sat on the other side of you bed. For hours, we just sat there, pretending we didn't see the elephant in the room. Finally, Logan addressed it.

"I'm still the same Logan, you know." You said. Tears began to roll down your face. And guess what, Logie? My heart broke into a million little pieces. "I know this is bad guys." you cried. "But we can make it through this together." James, Carlos and I nodded through our tears. I was the first to speak up.

"We are here for you, Lo. No matter what. Winsome Foursome forever, right guys?" You all nodded, and smiled with tear filled eyes. Then the nurse told us to go home, visiting hours were over. We all gave you hugs and promised to be back bright and early tomorrow. You smiled and told us to sleep, that we needed it.

We cried when we got home. The pain was unbearable. I still am, Lo. This seems like a bad dream, and that I'm going to wake up and shake my head and go to the studio and record a new song. Gustavo will scream at us, but that's ok because we will be together.

It seems like life is having a nice laugh at me right now, Logan.

I'll write again soon, Lo. You can count on it. Whether you read these or not, I mean every word I say in these letters.

Love,

Kendall

Kendall sighed as the wind whipped through his hair. He closed his notebook and back to the apartment He quietly discarded of his note. He climbed back into bed, and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Kendall could only hope his dreams were better than reality.

I hope that was okay! I will try to update soon! Review please!