Title: Seeing
Author: Juliet DeMarcus
Rating: R - just to be safe for future chapters.
Summary: Post "Selfless," Xander has given some thought to Buffy's words and has taken a long, hard look at himself...he's decided, he has to make some things right. Because sometimes you *can* help. Crossover with "Angel." X/A, B/S... X/S in a slow forming friendship kinda way.
A/N: I haven't abandoned my other projects. Especially not "Vanilla Suicide." But I had to write this in response to "Selfless" and season 7 so far. It's all been too strong not to write a fanfic response. Please review... feedback is my addiction of choice!
Xander Harris stood, consumed with a sudden uneasiness, outside her apartment door. He knew she probably wasn't ready yet. Not ready to see him. Not ready to talk. He understood what she had told him -- that she needed some time to figure out for herself who she really was. He respected that,...but he wanted to help. Even if he couldn't do much, at least he could be there.
He wanted her to know that he was there. Not for her to cling to, just to be there...to help her figure all this out. To let her know that she did have forgiveness. To show her that he still loved her...even if the words remained unsaid.
It had been four days since Anya offered herself up as a sacrifice to right her past wrongs. Four days since she gave up being a vengeance demon for good. Four days since Xander had to oppose one of his best friends in order to save the woman he loved.
It had all left a strange, entirely unpleasant taste in his mouth. He and Buffy had not talked since that night when he went out after Anya. She had kept herself busy at work and then, he assumed slaying all the new evils popping up all over the Hellmouth. It was fine with him, because quite honestly...he didn't know what to say to her.
For one, he was still hurt that she had so casually come after Anya's life. Just sat right there on her couch and told him she had to kill Anya. Just like that. Like she was telling him she had to go out and pick up something from the store! As if he should be able to just accept it, that she was going after the woman he loved... As if he could *ever* accept that. She had seemed cold -- so much so it chilled him to listen to the way she spoke, to look at the expression or *non-expression* on her face. And he'd wondered for the first time since they had saved Willow from destroying herself and the world, how far Buffy had really come since her struggle with being alive since then.
Then, there was what she'd said to him about her past. Wounds that he suddenly could see were never healed... And not the wounds one would think...
Her words had stung, to say the least. The entire situation made him feel like he was out of his place, being shown...what it was like to be in her shoes. Even as he lashed out at her, accusing her about Spike, he realized how hollow it sounded -- it only made him look more like a hypocrite. Hadn't he tried to kill Spike last year? And not for having killed anybody, but for having slept with Anya...of her free will, after he had left her at the alter. Hadn't his excuse for that been that Spike was a demon?
Xander took a deep breath. The regret and confusion swimming around him was palpable. And all he wanted to do was push it away...
But he couldn't.
He would never forget how it had felt then... Anger, desperation, fear, loss...all of it, in that moment of learning what Anya had done... That she really *had* gone back to vengeance... She had killed, ten...twelve people. Brought about a spider thing to rip their hearts out as they screamed... It was too much. First, Willow...then this.
And all he could feel towards Buffy was indignation while she sat there, so calmly telling him "I have to kill Anya." The words scorched into his chest, made it hard to breathe. Cause he knew she meant it. But how could she *kill Anya*?! Anya had been there the whole time, she'd stayed during the fight with Glory, she'd helped them in the past and *he still loved her!* How could Buffy even think of taking her away...
Spike -- that had to be different. She didn't save him because she loved him. Right? But still, it didn't set well.
He couldn't seem to find as much to pull from his arguments of the past...maybe it was knowing that Buffy was now using those same arguments, against Anya, against his heart.
That night, after he went home. He lay in bed, trying to not picture the blood on the walls, not to picture Anya's face -- her agony as Hallie was destroyed. And he tried not to think of the confrontation with Buffy. But he heard the words in his head despite all his best efforts not to.
"Willow was different. She's a human. Anya's a demon."
"And you're the slayer. I see now how it's all very simple."
"It is never simple."
"No, of course not. You know, if there's a mass murdering demon that you're, oh say, *boning*, then it's all gray area."
"Spike was harmless! He was helping!"
"He had no choice!"
"And Anya did! She *chose* to become a demon. *Twice.*
"You have no idea what she's going through!"
"I don't care what she's going through!"
"Oh, of course not. You think we haven't all seen this before? The part where you just cut us all out, just step away from everything human and act like you're the law. If you knew what I felt--"
"I killed Angel!," that moment, the look in her eyes as she spoke those words... He was stunned into silence, despite his desperate churning emotions for Anya or maybe even because of them... He went back to that time... he remembered, and suddenly he felt sick. Feeling this burning, debilitating taste of what it was like to be standing in her place...because that's what he was doing, wasn't it? Standing in her place?
'This is how it feels...,' a voice inside him somewhere chanted and he pushed it away with all the strength he had. He had to think about Anya...how to save her. The past was past... "Do you even remember that?," she continued, tears in her voice and her eyes, looking so broken that he had to force himself not to turn away. He grappled for words, but he was entranced by this pain...these gushing wounds opening up right before him.
And now the situation was reversed. He could lose the one he loved... He could lose Anya... And Buffy -- she'd already been there...and then some. So what could he possibly say?
"I would've given up everything I had to be with...," she tailed off a moment, lost in the grief that seemed suddenly, shockingly fresh. "I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life and I put a sword through his heart because I had to."
The intensity left by both the fury and the sorrow of her voice was interrupted by Willow, trying to make things better... Poor Willow...she had always been caught in the middle of these arguments.
"And that all worked out okay," she tried to make her voice light but it was heavy with trepidation. Because, really...*had it turned out all right?*
"Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you." Buffy's accusing glare switched to Willow a moment and Xander caught Willow's pained confused look in response. He felt a new wave of guilt washing over him. "Do you remember giving me Willow's message, 'kick his ass'."
"I never said that!," Willow cried, her eyes all angry accusation pointed right at him. He wondered if Buffy had already realized that he had made that up...or if she'd just found out as Willow responded... God, he really did that...
"That was different." He tried weakly. It wasn't as if she could have chose *not* to put a sword through his heart...she had to, to keep the world from being sucked into hell.
"It is always different! It's always complicated and at some point someone has to draw that line and that is always going to be me! You - you get down on me for cutting myself off, but in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook, no all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law."
He didn't know what to say. Everything she was saying made this horrible kind of sense to him. He was struck in a million directions by his own previous arguments towards Angel and Spike. What was he going to say to this? But he had to say something, had to stop this... Had to save Anya.
"There has to be another way."
"Then please, find it." She'd given him that, at least. Some part of him, deep down, sadly acknowledged it was more than he'd ever given her. He retreated in a mixture of fear, anger, sadness and shame, off to find a way to save the woman that he had nearly destroyed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It *had* worked out okay, like Willow had said...as okay as anything had ever worked out for them. Anya was alive...a vengeance demon no longer. She had offered her own life to reverse the wish that had led to the fraternity boys deaths. But she was hurting. A lot. And she was likely to be hurting for a long time.
He knew sometimes you just couldn't help -- he'd gotten that. But he *needed* to. He felt like he'd done so many things wrong. With Anya. With Willow. With Buffy. He had to try to make some of it right.
So now, four days later...he found himself standing at Anya's apartment door. Trying to figure out what to say if she actually opened up to him. He owed her the truth...after everything she'd been through he knew she deserved that from him. She had all along. And he had told her the truth...in that he was sorry. But there was so much more to it than that. Perhaps, she wouldn't have been so hurt, she wouldn't have gone back to vengeance, if she had known... the truth. She wouldn't have had to think that it was her, that he'd never really loved her. But the truth was hard, jagged and he was still as he stood there, ready to confront it, trying to imagine what words could convey his meaning.
Anya had never been anything but honest with him. And in return he had hidden things, kept things, covered over his own issues with jokes.
Anya was right -- about so many things. He really did just see what he wanted to see. He realized that now...with her, with his past, with Buffy. It was time to change it. It was time to see...even the things he didn't want to.
TBC...
Author: Juliet DeMarcus
Rating: R - just to be safe for future chapters.
Summary: Post "Selfless," Xander has given some thought to Buffy's words and has taken a long, hard look at himself...he's decided, he has to make some things right. Because sometimes you *can* help. Crossover with "Angel." X/A, B/S... X/S in a slow forming friendship kinda way.
A/N: I haven't abandoned my other projects. Especially not "Vanilla Suicide." But I had to write this in response to "Selfless" and season 7 so far. It's all been too strong not to write a fanfic response. Please review... feedback is my addiction of choice!
Xander Harris stood, consumed with a sudden uneasiness, outside her apartment door. He knew she probably wasn't ready yet. Not ready to see him. Not ready to talk. He understood what she had told him -- that she needed some time to figure out for herself who she really was. He respected that,...but he wanted to help. Even if he couldn't do much, at least he could be there.
He wanted her to know that he was there. Not for her to cling to, just to be there...to help her figure all this out. To let her know that she did have forgiveness. To show her that he still loved her...even if the words remained unsaid.
It had been four days since Anya offered herself up as a sacrifice to right her past wrongs. Four days since she gave up being a vengeance demon for good. Four days since Xander had to oppose one of his best friends in order to save the woman he loved.
It had all left a strange, entirely unpleasant taste in his mouth. He and Buffy had not talked since that night when he went out after Anya. She had kept herself busy at work and then, he assumed slaying all the new evils popping up all over the Hellmouth. It was fine with him, because quite honestly...he didn't know what to say to her.
For one, he was still hurt that she had so casually come after Anya's life. Just sat right there on her couch and told him she had to kill Anya. Just like that. Like she was telling him she had to go out and pick up something from the store! As if he should be able to just accept it, that she was going after the woman he loved... As if he could *ever* accept that. She had seemed cold -- so much so it chilled him to listen to the way she spoke, to look at the expression or *non-expression* on her face. And he'd wondered for the first time since they had saved Willow from destroying herself and the world, how far Buffy had really come since her struggle with being alive since then.
Then, there was what she'd said to him about her past. Wounds that he suddenly could see were never healed... And not the wounds one would think...
Her words had stung, to say the least. The entire situation made him feel like he was out of his place, being shown...what it was like to be in her shoes. Even as he lashed out at her, accusing her about Spike, he realized how hollow it sounded -- it only made him look more like a hypocrite. Hadn't he tried to kill Spike last year? And not for having killed anybody, but for having slept with Anya...of her free will, after he had left her at the alter. Hadn't his excuse for that been that Spike was a demon?
Xander took a deep breath. The regret and confusion swimming around him was palpable. And all he wanted to do was push it away...
But he couldn't.
He would never forget how it had felt then... Anger, desperation, fear, loss...all of it, in that moment of learning what Anya had done... That she really *had* gone back to vengeance... She had killed, ten...twelve people. Brought about a spider thing to rip their hearts out as they screamed... It was too much. First, Willow...then this.
And all he could feel towards Buffy was indignation while she sat there, so calmly telling him "I have to kill Anya." The words scorched into his chest, made it hard to breathe. Cause he knew she meant it. But how could she *kill Anya*?! Anya had been there the whole time, she'd stayed during the fight with Glory, she'd helped them in the past and *he still loved her!* How could Buffy even think of taking her away...
Spike -- that had to be different. She didn't save him because she loved him. Right? But still, it didn't set well.
He couldn't seem to find as much to pull from his arguments of the past...maybe it was knowing that Buffy was now using those same arguments, against Anya, against his heart.
That night, after he went home. He lay in bed, trying to not picture the blood on the walls, not to picture Anya's face -- her agony as Hallie was destroyed. And he tried not to think of the confrontation with Buffy. But he heard the words in his head despite all his best efforts not to.
"Willow was different. She's a human. Anya's a demon."
"And you're the slayer. I see now how it's all very simple."
"It is never simple."
"No, of course not. You know, if there's a mass murdering demon that you're, oh say, *boning*, then it's all gray area."
"Spike was harmless! He was helping!"
"He had no choice!"
"And Anya did! She *chose* to become a demon. *Twice.*
"You have no idea what she's going through!"
"I don't care what she's going through!"
"Oh, of course not. You think we haven't all seen this before? The part where you just cut us all out, just step away from everything human and act like you're the law. If you knew what I felt--"
"I killed Angel!," that moment, the look in her eyes as she spoke those words... He was stunned into silence, despite his desperate churning emotions for Anya or maybe even because of them... He went back to that time... he remembered, and suddenly he felt sick. Feeling this burning, debilitating taste of what it was like to be standing in her place...because that's what he was doing, wasn't it? Standing in her place?
'This is how it feels...,' a voice inside him somewhere chanted and he pushed it away with all the strength he had. He had to think about Anya...how to save her. The past was past... "Do you even remember that?," she continued, tears in her voice and her eyes, looking so broken that he had to force himself not to turn away. He grappled for words, but he was entranced by this pain...these gushing wounds opening up right before him.
And now the situation was reversed. He could lose the one he loved... He could lose Anya... And Buffy -- she'd already been there...and then some. So what could he possibly say?
"I would've given up everything I had to be with...," she tailed off a moment, lost in the grief that seemed suddenly, shockingly fresh. "I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life and I put a sword through his heart because I had to."
The intensity left by both the fury and the sorrow of her voice was interrupted by Willow, trying to make things better... Poor Willow...she had always been caught in the middle of these arguments.
"And that all worked out okay," she tried to make her voice light but it was heavy with trepidation. Because, really...*had it turned out all right?*
"Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you." Buffy's accusing glare switched to Willow a moment and Xander caught Willow's pained confused look in response. He felt a new wave of guilt washing over him. "Do you remember giving me Willow's message, 'kick his ass'."
"I never said that!," Willow cried, her eyes all angry accusation pointed right at him. He wondered if Buffy had already realized that he had made that up...or if she'd just found out as Willow responded... God, he really did that...
"That was different." He tried weakly. It wasn't as if she could have chose *not* to put a sword through his heart...she had to, to keep the world from being sucked into hell.
"It is always different! It's always complicated and at some point someone has to draw that line and that is always going to be me! You - you get down on me for cutting myself off, but in the end, the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook, no all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law."
He didn't know what to say. Everything she was saying made this horrible kind of sense to him. He was struck in a million directions by his own previous arguments towards Angel and Spike. What was he going to say to this? But he had to say something, had to stop this... Had to save Anya.
"There has to be another way."
"Then please, find it." She'd given him that, at least. Some part of him, deep down, sadly acknowledged it was more than he'd ever given her. He retreated in a mixture of fear, anger, sadness and shame, off to find a way to save the woman that he had nearly destroyed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It *had* worked out okay, like Willow had said...as okay as anything had ever worked out for them. Anya was alive...a vengeance demon no longer. She had offered her own life to reverse the wish that had led to the fraternity boys deaths. But she was hurting. A lot. And she was likely to be hurting for a long time.
He knew sometimes you just couldn't help -- he'd gotten that. But he *needed* to. He felt like he'd done so many things wrong. With Anya. With Willow. With Buffy. He had to try to make some of it right.
So now, four days later...he found himself standing at Anya's apartment door. Trying to figure out what to say if she actually opened up to him. He owed her the truth...after everything she'd been through he knew she deserved that from him. She had all along. And he had told her the truth...in that he was sorry. But there was so much more to it than that. Perhaps, she wouldn't have been so hurt, she wouldn't have gone back to vengeance, if she had known... the truth. She wouldn't have had to think that it was her, that he'd never really loved her. But the truth was hard, jagged and he was still as he stood there, ready to confront it, trying to imagine what words could convey his meaning.
Anya had never been anything but honest with him. And in return he had hidden things, kept things, covered over his own issues with jokes.
Anya was right -- about so many things. He really did just see what he wanted to see. He realized that now...with her, with his past, with Buffy. It was time to change it. It was time to see...even the things he didn't want to.
TBC...