Have you ever had that feeling that you're asleep when you're actually awake, or that you're awake when you're actually asleep?
This happens to me all the time. Usually I can tell because in my dreams everything goes how it should; how I want it to. The guy of my dreams, –Jared, isn't it such a beautiful name? it's like a sigh on the lips of heaven, a sudden cool wind threading through my hair, a soft caress on my cheek…ok, getting carried away with myself here, I think I've clarified that Jared is the best name a man can be called. So in my dreams, Jared- he talks to me and acts like I'm not invisible, like we talk all the time, like it's the most natural thing in the world. But it's not. In my dreams I dress how all the other girls do, everyone at school and everyone I pass on the street knows me, says 'hi', and though no one stands near me, everyone smiles at me, and I don't feel so alone.
In the real world everything goes wrong.
People bump into me harshly, not saying sorry, seeming not to realize who or what they bumped into, and other times I can feel everyone's eyes on me, saying I'm insane, laughing at me behind their hands and smiling scornfully at me or, most of the time, ignoring me altogether. Sometimes I'm so depressed with reality that I day-dream, just to get away, or finish my homework at home in a hurry to get to bed, waiting for my dreams to…not come true, but to come back, to be remembered. Come-to's during my dreams or long thought processes are always harsh, immediate things, usually interrupting something important.
I have a tell though, so I can know if I'm sleeping or not- I've already mentioned I dress better in my dreams, (though sometimes I fool myself into believing I'll have a good day –almost like one of my dreams – if I dress better) a series of good events, extremely out of the norm happen to me, including the guy of my dreams talking to me, but the one that I have relied on most is being able to trace back to my day to when I woke up. It's simple right? If I remember waking up, I'm not dreaming, if I don't remember, then I am dreaming.
Lately it's not that simple though- my life is so monotonous that often my first memory of the day will be pouring boiling coffee on my hand or seeing Kells in the hall and actually trying to melt into the walls as everyone seems to think I already do. In real life anyway. In real life, I never get away, she sees me –I swear she has eyes like a hawk, must have 20/15 vision or something – and I'm always hooked into spending the first thirty minutes of my school day –which go from the usual-bad to Kells-bad, yes in my mind that's a thing 'Kells-bad' which means a non-stop lathering of torture as she blathers on about how I shouldn't wear argyle socks with checkered Keds and I should really stop with the three-sizes-too-big jeans because it's almost an embarrassment to be seen with me. Yes, she says that every day, and she means it too, it's not the usual I-hate-you-so-much-B-word-but-I'll-love-you-forever thing, it's just that Kells likes to talk and around her friends she's constantly being told to shut up because what she says is not as important as what Queen-Major-Bee-atch has to say, so she must stay silent, but around me, since I know all this, I don't have the heart to tell her to shut up her face and badger someone else with her non-sense. It's like my good-Samaritan act of the day, when I'm feeling ok, and something I just tune out when good is not the case. Unfortunately for Kells, good usually isn't the case, so I only listen when I hear gossip that has anything to do with Jared which, as is normal for when one hears their own name, it's like someone's calling me and I must turn my head to answer when I hear his name. Something I've notice though- Kells says his name like a curse-word usually, like a worm under her foot that needs to be squished, a cockroach that needs to disappear, a–
"-ared will be skipping again." I come to the present, startled and mutter an intelligent 'huh?' she narrows her eyes at me, knowing I haven't been listening to her and stalks away, while I'm taken by two other matters- 1- what did she say about Jared? And two…dream or not a dream?
Suddenly the first thing doesn't seem to be as important –I mean how much could she really know about Jared? He's been skipping on real school for two weeks now, and in my dreams, she would only really know as much as I do– yes the second seems much more important. I swirl around, off-balance, like in a movie where the camera goes wild and you only see a bunch of faces and you feel like you're going to fall– except since this is real life, I actually do fall, and as my luck would have it, I fall into someone else and that person in turn falls to the ground.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so, sorry!" What? You're surprised that even though I kind of hate my life I can be nice? It's possible you know. It's kind of nice to know you can make your life a bit happier by being nice to people…
I pick myself up off the ground, and turn to give a hand up to the person I bumped into.
I scrutinize who he is, he looks familiar somehow…