Disclaimer: I only own the thought put into this.

Hymn

Chapter One: In Media Res

Most of the time, when your life changes permanently, you don't know it has happened until you're collapsed onto the ground. Crying and puking over what you lost. I'll never forget how he changed my life, how he brought me out of my misery and raised me into a bright happiness so high, so foreign, that I actually believed that my life was going somewheres. That everything I have suffered through was worth it. This was my reward, justice did prevail. I knew love like I had never known anything before.

I knew the soft planes of his body, his moles, that he picked his nose when no one was looking. I knew him inside and out. I knew so much more about myself than I ever had, I discovered that love.. is everything. Nothing matters without it. Money and fame are nothing next to the elation of being with someone you love, who loves you in return. Nothing to the way my heart skipped a beat seeing him, the way it still does.

In life I have known sadness, I'll always know sadness. It has been my cloak of cloaks in life, and well, I thought it changed.

I could vomit with the pain I feel. This wrenching, tearing pain. It has not abated over time, and despite the terrors I have perservered through, this is the most damaging and life threatening of all. My tears, oh dear gods, I could drown. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for this to just end. For time to rewind itself, turn its incessant hands backwards and give me just one more chance to fix things. With the knowledge I have now.. if I had it then, I could change everything.

All that happens, unfortunatly, is that my life continues. My head sinks farther down and my feet drag on slower. How could something so deep and profound just dissapear?

I am forced to watch him move on.

It starts with that sinking feeling in my stomach. Finally realising that this will never happen again. We will never be deeply in love with eachother. My fingers will never twine with his, we will never whisper passionate words in eachothers ears. Gone are the pet names and kisses. Gone forever is lying next to him, watching him sleep, stroking his face. Just to memorize him. To treat every moment like it could be our last together. I miss his soft breathing on my cheek, I miss the feeling of his arms wrapped around me.

Then it continues with a shock, or rather numbing, through my muscles. They relax to the point where I just don't feel like moving anymore. My mind dazes off into no thought at all. Just an image. Memories upon memories seep into my vision until I am ready to tear my hair out. Why, why, why?

When it finally hits me in the chest, the tugging feeling like I've lost half of it.. that's when I break down. I cry. I cry so damn hard, so loud, that it could be considered a surprise that there isn't a thunderstorm.

I am on the ground, choking on my own tears. Gagging on the pain. Heartbreak is worse than watching a loved one die.

Heartbreak is you dieing and watching everyone move on ahead of you. Watching those who loved you most turn away and forget your misery. Leave you with the pain. Alone.

This hurts, darling. You couldn't imagine it. Life is torn in half for me. My soul has lost half of itself. I put all of myself into him and he closed the door and isn't letting any of it come back out to occupy myself.

I am a walking nothingness. A hole. I shove things inside of me to make myself forget this horrible nightmare of life without him.

I need him.

Draco, please come back to me.

Well, lets hear some feedback folks.