A Love as deep as a River, by chibiness87
Rated T.
Spoilers: Let's Kill Hitler. The Wedding of River Song. First Night mini-sode.
Summary: Three kisses that kill, and one that doesn't.
A/N: This is what happens in my brain when you take the wonderful episodes LKH and tWoRS, add in Duke Special's wonderful song, Our love goes deeper than this, and leave it to simmer for about a week. (There's also a story about the death of a laptop, the resulting loss of the first version of this fic, and my cursing the unfairness in timing of it all, but you don't need to know that.) Not beta'd.
-x-
She said no, our love goes deeper than this.
Even though there's poison in each kiss.
She said no, our love goes deeper than this.
Our love goes deeper than this, Duke Special.
-x-
The first time Melody Pond meets the Doctor she is not Melody Pond. Not in the way he had hoped her to be. She can see him make the connection even as the regeneration energy beings to pulse through her. Shot by Hitler. There's something ironic about that. Really, someone with such a huge reputation to come and he can't even shoot a gun right.
"The last time I did this I ended up a toddler in New York." She tells him this to see how he reacts. And it is both in awe and pain. She is hurting him even now; killing him will be easier than she thought.
A new face always takes a moment to get used to. And oh, does she like the look of this one. And the hair. It's going to be a nightmare to control, but it suits this face, she thinks. She needs a better mirror than the one hanging on the wall, not to mention time to apply some lipstick, so runs off to check her full appearance, returning moments later to overhear then talking about someone else.
"She is not River Song."
Curiosity takes over, she can't help it sometimes. "Who's River Song?"
"An old… friend of mine." But the way he pauses between old and friend makes her think it is more than that. So maybe there will be someone out there who will mourn the passing of the Doctor after all. But that is of no concern of hers.
There are a number of guns lying around the room (really, people need to take better care of their weapons,) and she strikes a pose to draw their attention as she picks the closest one to her up off the chair. Only he is quicker than she thought, and the empty chambers click harmlessly as she pulls the trigger.
She launches herself at him, intent on firing the gun from the fruit bowl, but instead draws a banana on him. She is getting frustrated now. She had been taught he was quick with words, but never that he was quite so deft with guns. So instead she tries with the letter opener sitting on the desk behind them, only to be met with his sonic. The gun lying on the floor where it fell is her next target, but again clicks emptily in her hands, and the Doctor is holing up the magazine clip.
So she falls back onto her contingency plan, after all, what's the point of having one otherwise. She flirts, uses his own weapon, words, back at himself. And oh, it is almost easy the way in which he falls for it all. Kisses her back when she brushes her lips over him. She calls him Sweetie, and his reaction to that one word is more than she expects.
"Only River Song gets to call me that." The seriousness of his tone rocks her slightly, but then he is too busy dying for her to worry about it further. But he still looks at her and asks for River, like it, she, is all he can focus on now. She doesn't want to stay here for this. Besides, her job is finished. So she leaves, full of righteous anger. At him. At them. Everyone in her path is a threat to her and not a threat at all. She is the woman who killed the Doctor with a kiss.
-x-
Thirty minutes later and she is scared and confused. A ship who invades her mind with soft whispers of love and comfort, teaching her about a lonely man who looked into the vortex and ran away. A robot wearing her mother's face which held her in a status bond for killing the Doctor now standing silent. The Doctor himself has been trying to save her. Her. He is dying from her kiss and still he tries to barter for her life. He is mad, she thinks. Insane.
Her mother and father are there then. And she can tell her mother is hurting. It hurts her too. She forgot, despite everything, that this is still her mother's best friend. Amy can hardly look at her. It hurts more than she wants to admit.
The Doctor is asking for her now. Even now, struggling for breath. He wants to spend his last words on her, and she cannot help but wonder why. Surely she is not worth that.
"Find River Song, and tell her something for me."
"What's that?"
He whispers something she doesn't understand, the syllables new and foreign to her. But oh, she can feel the power behind it. His name. It comes to her suddenly, she can feel his ship still in her mind. The TARDIS translation cortex. Only his ship shouldn't be able to translate that. She looks over to her mother who was never her mother, but now she knows that was never by choice.
"What did he say?" She doesn't answer, instead asks a question of her own.
"Who's River Song?" She thinks she knows, thinks she's beginning to understand. But she needs proof. Needs to know that for once, for once she is making the right decision. Her decision. Not something that some other person has told her she must do. She was born to kill the Doctor, raised to hate him. But her mother and father, and his ship, the love they all feel for him is confusing. Because if he were such a monster as she was raised to believe, how could they stand by and watch him do all those terrible deeds?
The robot that held her prisoner, still wearing the face of her mother, is responding to her mother's call to show her River Song. And oh, oh, she was right after all.
They want to know what she was told by him, but this is one thing she will not, cannot tell them. Instead she can do this. She can feel the power of his name hum through her, fells the regeneration energy humming beneath her skin. Her hands fall to the Doctor's temples, and she pushes the energy through him. Feel his hearts begin to beat once more, the timing becoming stronger.
His eyes open, and even as she is saving his life he tries to get her to stop.
"River, no, what are you doing?" Something for her, something for them. She smiles down at him, and before pressing her lips to his in their second kiss of the day she lets him know – River Song will be found.
"Hello sweetie."
-x-
It isn't until she wakes in hospital for the second time that she fully understands what it is she has done. He is still there, sat in a chair waiting for her, but this time her parents are absent. She looks around in confusion. "Where are…"
"Hospital of the sisters of the infinite schism. Best hospital in the universe. You stupid girl, it was too much. It could have killed you." He repeats what Amy told her the first time, and she can tell he's trying to be firm, but she can detect the look of awe and pride in his eyes as he looks at her.
"I know." Her voice is weak, a raspy whisper, missing all the sass she had previously.
"Then why? Why do it? You could have had lifetimes. Why give them all up, just to save me?"
"You know the answer to that, Doctor." She knows he does. A Timelord doesn't tell his name to just anyone, she knows. He simply nods, and gives her a soft smile.
"Amy and Rory?" She finds herself more worried about his answer than she is prepared to admit. But his soft smile doesn't fade, and he moves to sit on her bed, picking her hand up and clasping it between the two of his.
"They're adjusting. They'll be fine though. The Ponds. Your parents. That still feels weird to say, by the way. And I'm sorry."
"Sorry?" He's sorry? She was the one who killed him because she had been brought up on all his evil. She never thought to ask, to question, if there was any good. Not that she expects she would have been told the truth. Wars and battles are always counted by the number of lives lost, never the number of lives saved. Before she can say anything though, he is continuing.
"Sorry I couldn't get to you in time. Sorry you had to go through all that." He raises her hand, presses a kiss to her knuckles, before turning her hand over and pressing anther one to her palm. She gasps, the gesture new and unexpected.
"I don't understand." Her voice is stronger now, but still whispered. She's so confused by it all, him most of all.
"I know. But you will. One day."
"No. Not that. I mean, how can you be here?"
He raises an eyebrow in confusion.
"Here. In this room. I mean, I killed you. I actually killed you. I…" Her eyes break away from his, her training kicking in. Walls. Window. Door. Escape plans forming and reforming in her mind.
"No. No, River, you didn't." He catches her darting gaze with his kind eyes once more. River. That name again.
"Am I…" She doesn't know if she even has the right to ask this, but of everyone who has known who she actually is in her life, he is the only one to ever talk to her, the person, not her, the weapon.
"Are you what?"
"Am I River?" Am I worth it? Is what she really means.
"I can't answer that." It hurts, more than she expected it to. But he hasn't finished, and his next words tell her all she needs to know. "That's up to you. Hush now. Try to get some rest." He leans over, presses his lips to her forehead.
He is almost fully out the door when she calls back out to him. "Will I..."
"Will you what?"
"Will I see you again?"
He grins at that. A cheeky smile that makes him look about 12. His voice has taken on a gleeful, almost mocking tone, one which she will only understand years hence. "Spoilers."
And then he is gone.
She thinks she might still hate him a little bit, after all.
-x-
She doesn't see him again until years, years later. She looks. Reads about his deeds, even manages to win a vortex manipulator and travel the stars, but always too late. Or too early. It seems, despite everything, he is never quite on time. But she finds what she needs to know. He is not a good man nor is he a bad man. Just a lonely man with a time machine, travelling through the stars. Maybe they are not so different after all.
She graduates with a doctorate, but before she can go anywhere, tell anyone, they are back. Those people, the ones she had finally managed to put behind her. And this time the suit does not respond in the way it did when she was a child. No. This time she has no control over it at all. She is left, abandoned at the bottom of a lake. She can feel time pass. Each second ticking by feels like a whisper against her mind. It is comforting at the same time harrowing. Because she knows now what it to come.
The suit begins to move suddenly, and then he is there. Looking at her with such peace in his eyes. Such love, and forgiveness. "It's ok, I know it's you." She wants to run. She is beyond terrified. But then a memory, tucked away, comes back to her. Him dying, lying against marble stairs, begging for help. Rule seven. So no, she won't run. She may be stuck in an astronaut suit, arm raised to kill him, but she is River Song, not some brainwashed little girl any more. So instead of killing the Doctor she kills time itself.
-x-
It takes him months to find her. Months and yet no time at all. Days do not move on and time does not tick. But it is trying to pass. River can feel it still, a pressure against her left temple. The gentle brush she has known all her life is absent now. It almost makes her feel bereft. But she cannot let it start again. Cant, won't be the cause of his death, not again. Not now she knows.
But he finds her, before she is really ready to be face to face with him. Despite knowing right now, he is safe, she can't forget the surprise in his eyes as time froze. It is there on his face now too. She feels it is more to do with the eye drive than anything, the way his eyes flick over it again. She wants more than anything to touch him, to reassure herself that he is here, finally here, but she knows this is the one thing she cannot allow to happen.
So of course he does it for her anyway. As time restarts she feels the hum of it embrace her mind. She welcomes it for the briefest of moments before she struggles, pulling herself from his grasp. Cuffing him seems to be the only way to make him behave, but by the way he rolls his eyes it is not new to him. She'll have to remember that for later. When there is a later. When they have figured everything out and have fixed this.
Before they can do much more than explain the basics of what they are trying to do, everything goes wrong. The Silence are out, and her men are dying around her. She feels a little bit Oncoming Storm-ish herself, now. There is no time to do anything, no time at all. And that is the point she is trying to make to the most stubborn man in the universe. The biggest martyr of them all, willing to throw himself to his own death to save time.
So maybe he is a good man after all.
His next words, though, cut her to the quick.
"This is crazy, River. Worse, it's stupid. You embarrass me." The words are hissed at her in anger, and even though she can read his fear and desperation, she can also feel his wonder. That she would do this, stop time because of him, must never have occurred to him. But yet, she cannot be the cause of his death again. Once was one time too many, even though she didn't know then.
They argue there, on top of a pyramid for the whole world to hear should they care to. He is more important to her than the rest of the universe, and he is still too blind to see it. He only sees the scared little girl she once was, torn between running and helping. Rule seven, she thinks. Never run when you're scared.
She is done running, her mind is made up. She will not kill the Doctor. She can tell the moment that he realises her resolve is set. There is only determination in his gaze now. He turns to Amy to be freed from the cuffs, and she allows it. Always a way out. It is a rule she hasn't been taught yet, but is beginning to grasp.
The moment he hands out the end of his bow tie to her she knows what is happening. Answers to questions she asked and yet didn't ask years ago return to her, and she has her answer. Yes, she is River Song. Yes, she is worth it. He says he just whispered his name in her ear, and even as she looks into his eye, sees him in that robot, that robot from years ago, safe and alive (always a way out), she remembers. His name, his wonderful, beautiful name, whispered to her as he lay dying on the steps in Berlin; it sings across her mind now.
She does the only thing she can to his request.
She kisses him.
And he dies.
-x-
There is a rose on the pillow of the cell she is shown to. The ever present thunder and lightning continue to wage a war in the skies above, casting a blue hue over everything in the path of the barred window, and everything else into murky shadows. The rose's once red colour is now dulled though age, the bars of her cell casting further patterns across its petals. No note, though why she thought there would be such a thing is isn't sure.
There is only one person she can think of that would do this for her. She picks it up carefully, holds it to her face, breathing and wondering what the scent would have been had it survived. As apologies go, for she knows this is what he means it to be, it's not the most original. But yet it is something. He didn't marry her in an aborted timeline, trick her into restarting the clocks, and left her to face 12000 life sentences alone after all. Her heart continues to hope she will see him again. She loses herself in the memory of his face for a moment, and as a result is not as careful as she should have been, and a prickle of the rose pierces the skin of her finger. She hisses, but before she can inspect the damage, he is stepping out of the shadow by her bed.
"You stopped time to save me." His voice startles her; she didn't even hear the TARDIS land. But then, who was to say he hadn't been waiting for her this time?
"Well, to be fair, you stole a robot that can change to look like anyone to cheat death." She turns to face him, and oh, she has missed him. She wants to ask how long it has been for him (sometimes time travel is an unfair advantage) but then she realises it doesn't really matter. He is here now. Alive, and here, and dressed up. The white suit jacket fits his frame much better than the tweed, though she notices he is still wearing a bow tie. Ah well. Small victories and all that.
"Oi. Borrowed. I borrowed it. I even got permission." He stops then, noticing the small drop of blood forming on her finger. "What did you do?"
Before she can answer he is lifting her hand to his lips, tongue reaching out and swiping the droplet form her skin. She shivers, her body humming, and wonders if he can feel it too.
She feels his lips tremble slight where they're pressed against her skin and she has her answer. He presses a firmer kiss against her palm, like he did so very long ago in the hospital. He is smiling as he pulls her with him back into his waiting ship. Except he has it cloaked this time ("Don't want them cottoning on too quickly now, do we dear?") and misjudging, he walks into the corner, falling backwards and almost tripping over his own feet. She does her best not to laugh at him, but a smile leaks out regardless. He grins at her, successfully locating the door on the second attempt and pulls her into his home. There is a welcoming hum that she feels in her heart, and she can't help but run her hand softly against the wall next to her.
"So. River Song. Wife of the last remaining Timelord. All of time and space to explore. Where would you like to start? Wait, no, hang on. Your diary. Where is it?"
"Diary?" Is she supposed to have a diary? Was he expecting her to be older? But then the rose, or was it not for her? He doesn't realise she is having doubts, his hands waving around by his side, and really, does he have any control of those limbs of his?
"Yes. Little blue book. Bout yay big?" His hand approximate the size. She looks confused for a second before remembering. The little book she woke to find on her bedside table. She has kept it since then, writing down anything and everything she can find about him in it. The bad she knows, it is the good she wants to record.
"Oh. I left it…" she turns to face the door, suddenly afraid he will disappear as soon as she steps outside.
He smiles at her, a soft smile she has only seen on a few occasions before. "Well then, best go get it. Hurry up though. Places to go. People to meet. Planets to save." She smiles at his enthusiasm, feels it flooding her senses from his beloved ship.
She is back in less than a minute, the small book clasped in her hands. "So it's a diary, is it?"
And then she learns about what it actually means to be married to him. Meetings in the wrong order. Messages across time and space. Rules they must adhere to (she plans on breaking many of them. And often). But always running together. To danger and from it, hand in hand.
The first night, he whisks her away to a world where the light of the stars are so bright; he is right, you could read a book by them. She feels almost disappointed that they didn't think to bring one to try. She only has… her diary, tucked away in one of the folds of the dress she is wearing. She pulls it out, and writes it all down; how he appeared as if from nowhere, stole her away into the night.
The night ends all too quickly for her. Despite knowing she must return to her cell at some point (really, how can she be seen to be serving a prison sentence if she is never there?!), but she does not want to lose this feeling of content she has right now. He must be able to sense it, because he follows her out of his ship and into her cell again, pulling her tightly to his chest.
"I'll see you tomorrow, River."
She smiles at him, a teasing glint in her eyes. "Not if I see you first."
"Bad, bad girl." He chuckles softly against her hair, before pressing his forehead against her own.
"Always, Doctor. But you love it."
"Oh, I do."
She smiles, hidden promises in her gaze. He is drawn to her mouth even as she presses up to his. She kisses him, and they both keep breathing.
-x-
End