Ch 1
180 Ways to Curse Snape
James Potter and Sirius Black could be seen sitting in the corner of the Gryffindor common room in matching reclining sofas, whispering and looking excited. Everyone in the common room was extremely nervous, not because OWLS were coming up, but because James and Sirius, the worst troublemakers in the school, appeared to be plotting some new prank. The Gryffindors could only hope that the prank was intended for someone else, preferably a Slytherin!
On the other side of the common room, Roger Patil was pretending to read his Transfiguration book, but it was quite obvious that he was really watching James and Sirius over the top of his book. Roger Patil had been picking on Peter Pettigrew earlier and feared James and Sirius's wrath.
In fact, James and Sirius were compiling a list, no one could so much as hope they were actually studying or doing homework because that just wasn't their nature; they were marauders. Sirius had written on the top of his page "180 Ways to Torment Severus Snape (One for every day of the school year)". So far the list had several colorful ideas on it from, "enchanting Snape's boxers to making his thoughts print across his forehead in neon colors".
Just then, a pretty red head girl with vivid green eyes walked up to James and Sirius and said, "What are you guys up to!? If it involves sneaking out or cursing Snape count me in!" It was Lily.
"Lily, who invited you to come along." James snapped. Then, he quickly added, "Not that we are going to do any of those things, of course."
"Oh, of course not!" Lily said sardonically.
"Perhaps, you should keep out of this adventure Lil. I mean you and James really don't get along to well and... I'd hate to find the two of you kissing in some disserted corridor." Sirius cracked.
James lunged at him. Lily looked over at him and smiled roguishly, "Oh does James have a crush on me!"
"You wish."
"It's called a JOKE!"
"Well, I didn't find it very funny, carrot head!"
"Well, I didn't find that very funny!"
"Well ... maybe you should just...."
Before Sirius had a chance to stop them (not that he would have; this was hilarious!), James and Lily started throwing curses at each other. Lily was sitting on top of James's stomach clawing at him; When, James decided this was not the time to be a gentleman.
So what if his mum had told him not to hit or curse girls, after all he had already broken the latter. Abruptly, he stood up, throwing Lily to the floor. She glared at him. He tried to glare back, but she looked so funny lying there on the floor that instead he laughed.
Lily tossed her hair and stalked out of the common room with two of her friends close behind.
"Lil, wait up! It's us, Elysa and Agatha." Lily turned around when she recognized her friends' voices. They hurried and caught up with her.
"Ooh, that James Potter makes me so mad!"
Elysa and Agatha smirked.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that!"
"Oh no reason," said Agatha innocently. "Only we were thinking what a cute couple the two of you would make."
Lily glared at them. "No way. The day I like James Potter will be the day I kiss him," she said, laughing cynically.
"Can we hold you to that?" asked Elysa.
"Of course!" Lily responded.
"cough they'll be hooked up by tomorrow cough!" stated Agatha through fake coughs. They ran off before they had to face Lily's wrath.
I will never like James Potter. He is such a creep and he thinks he is so great! Hardly. Even though he is kind of cute. NO! I didn't just think that. Yuk! I do not like him. Lily thought. Lily decided to go for a stroll around the empty castle. Who knows, maybe I'll find a new secret passageway that Sirius, James, and Remus don't know about yet. She thought.
Meanwhile, Sirius and James, now accompanied by Remus, who had just returned from the hospital wing, were doing the finishing touches on their 180 Ways to Torture Snape (One for Everyday) paper. Remus had had a lot of great input, and together they now had a plan to make tonight the worse day of Snape's life as well.
"Sirius, are you sure you know where you're going?" asked Remus tentatively. "We've been walking for ages!" Peter added. "Oh shove it Peter." Responded Sirius.
"Lily, hey, where are you going?" asked Elysa. "Nowhere." Pause. "Where have you been, and where is Agatha?" Lily inquired on second thought.
Suddenly, Elysa looked livid with anger. "That slimy Slytherin trash, Severus Snape, cursed her and she had to go to the infirmary because she had purple spots all over and her feet were beginning to resemble Big Bird's."
"He'll pay for that!"
"Don't I know it! To the dungeons, away!" Elysa said pointing her wand towards the stairs like Zorro. Lily laughed and followed her down the dark steps.
"I can't see a thing Elysa!"
"Don't worry about it just follow my wand light."
"There they are, the dungeon stairs!" announced Remus.
"Thanks, to my excellent navigation skills!" Sirius claimed.
The four of them laughed Sirius had had them lost for about 45 min. Until, James and Remus had taken over.
"Shh, I hear voices Elysa."
"Me too. Quiet we'll sneak by them, it is too dark for them to see us." Elysa put out her wand and with Lily clutching the back of her robes, they crept down the stairs stealthily.
"Boy, is it cold down here." James commented.
"Too bad Lily isn't here to warm you up, eh James!" Cracked Remus.
"Oh shut up, now you're on my case too."
"So you admit it?!" asked Peter excitedly.
"I said nothing of the sort! I don't like Lily!" he exploded in a somewhat aggravated voice, then added to himself mostly, "Although she doesn't look half bad!"
Sirius chuckled and somebody giggled.
"Whose there?" Sirius asked.
"Oh nobody." Answered a voice.
"Come off it. Who are you, and what are you doing?" Remus questioned.
"I'd like to ask you the same question!"
James heard a familiar laugh.
"Lily, is that you? Or is it Elysa? Or possibly Agatha?"
"Alright, alright it's us, Elysa and Lily. So, what are you doing down here? We came to curse Snape." Lily said in a matter-of-fact voice. "Now, how about you guys?" Lily lit up her wand.
"Same thing." Sirius chuckled.
Sirius offered his arm to Elysa. "Care to take a stroll to the dungeons?" Elysa giggled, "of course."
The six of them headed down towards the dungeons. Lily caught up with James. "So, James you think I'm hot, huh?"
James blushed. "I didn't say that, it was Remus!" He responded with a quick unconvincing lie.
"It didn't sound like Remus."
"Well, it was, ok."
"Fine. So are you sure my carrot head isn't the least bit attractive?"
He glared.
After much discussion(and a lot of arguing from Lily and James), the gang had finally decided on a plan of action. They saw a painting of a basilisk at the bottom of the stairs, pulled the tile to the left of it, and a huge hole opened in the wall revealing a dark stone stairway. Lily could vaguely see the outline of lanterns.
Before James could walk in, she asked, "How did you know this was the entrance to Slytherin Common Room?"
"Well, some of us are good at homework and the rest of us have real lives," He answered curtly.
"Well, Mr. Dark-and-Dangerous, you're just jealous because lets see you're 2nd in Potions... to me, 2nd in Charms... to me, 2nd in Magical Creatures...to oh yeah...to me, and 2nd in Defense Against The Dark Arts... to ME! I hope you like the number two James because that is all you will ever be."
"Get real. I could beat you any time I wanted to."
"Oh yeah." Lily laughed sardonically.
"Yeah!"
"Ok then, I'll bet you that you can't make higher marks than me on Professor Affondo's (the Potions master's) next test," Lily challenged.
"If I win you have to do the commentary for our next Quidditch match and compose and sing an anthem in my honor about how wonderful I truly am!"
"And if I win then you have to stand up in the middle of dinner and propose your undying love to some poor girl while kneeling and holding out to her a piece of broccoli!"
"You're on!" he said confidently.
Lily looked around. "Hey, where'd everybody go?"
****
"Those two fight so much they might as well get married," Elysa said.
"I don't think Jamesie would mind that arrangement too much!" added Sirius.
"Lily either."
"James'll never admit it he likes her; He is too proud. I've known James almost my whole life. If he really hated her he wouldn't tease her so much or go out of his way to make her mad."
"Hey wait a second I can hear them arguing about something." Sirius stood still, listening. Elysa did the same.
"Did you hear that?" She said with a great guffaw.
"I've got a plan Elysa." He whispered something and she giggled.
Just then, James stalked forward. "Hey why didn't you guys wait?" asked James huffily.
"Well, I thought you might want some time alone with Lily." Sirius said innocently.
"By the way I'd like to make a bet, as well. If you get the same grade on that test, then James has to kiss Lily in the Great Hall."
"And we don't mean on the hand," Added Agatha.
Sirius nodded, grinning broadly.
"Shut up, Sirius!" James said.
Lily grinned evilly and said, "Ok, but if we don't then you have to kiss dear Elysa."
"And that's a bad thing," Sirius said incredulously, raising his eyebrows suggestively at Elysa.
They all shook on it, except for Lily and James, who refused to touch each other.
"Don't worry about it if I know James half as well as I think I do, he'll want to beat Lily so bad that he is sure to get full marks." Sirius whispered.
"Lily too."
**************
The next morning, Madam Pomfrey had been awoken by a loud, bloodcurdling scream. She raced down the hall in her pajamas towards the sound where she saw a tallish boy with greasy black hair running down the corridor in his boxers (which displayed pink bunnies in different colored sunglasses) with all types of vermin following him. The vermin were singing some strange song that she had never heard before. She followed them trying to remember the counter curse. She was a medical wizard, not charms teacher. Finally, she went to find Professor Cantal (can-taul).
"Oh dear, and the poor child ran through the Great Hall during breakfast in his knickers with those vermin following him before I could perform the counter curses and magic him some clothes." Professor Cantal was saying to Madam Pomfrey.
Lily was still in an especially good mood as she walked to Herbology. Everything was going her way, she had the rest of today off after this class, Snape had been thoroughly embarrassed this morning, and she was better at this subject than James! What could go wrong?
Lily and Elysa were so busy filling Agatha in on last night that they didn't even notice Professor Vindictra behind them trying to pull something out of a sack filled with soil. The marauders came walking up to help Professor Vindictra. Lily rolled her eyes as James passed by.
After several moments of pulling the plant while Peter and the professor held the bag, a long purple plant that had leaves like a whip and something in the middle that looked peculiarly like a giant eyeball.
James grabbed the bag from Peter, "Let me get that for you Peter, ol pal."
James jerked the bag from Peter "accidentally" poring soil on Lily's head.
"No James. No!" Professor Vindictra had shouted, but she had been too late. "That has carrotine magical plant enhancements in it. You know what that will do don't you!"
James sure did, but he shook his head. Lily started sprouting carrots in her flame colored hair. James faked a look of shock.
"Oh, I'm so sorry Lily! Let me take you to the hospital wing." James gushed, and the Professor gave a nod of consent to his request.
As soon as they were out of earshot on the grounds, James started cracking up.
"I hate you James Potter!" she said with a venomous tone.
James pulled a carrot from her hair.
"Oww," she cried. "That really hurt you jerk."
"Oh, do you want James to kiss it and make it better."
"Not on your life!"
They walked most of the way in silence just as they reached the door Lily tripped James up causing James to topple into a bed inside the infirmary.
"Oh, James! Are you all right?" Lily called convincingly.
Madame Pomfrey magiced James onto a bed. She pointed her wand at his ankle.
"Hmm, compound fracture. Looks like you'll have some company Ms. Evans. Both of you will stay until tomorrow evening." Lily sighed, cursing herself silently.
180 Ways to Curse Snape
James Potter and Sirius Black could be seen sitting in the corner of the Gryffindor common room in matching reclining sofas, whispering and looking excited. Everyone in the common room was extremely nervous, not because OWLS were coming up, but because James and Sirius, the worst troublemakers in the school, appeared to be plotting some new prank. The Gryffindors could only hope that the prank was intended for someone else, preferably a Slytherin!
On the other side of the common room, Roger Patil was pretending to read his Transfiguration book, but it was quite obvious that he was really watching James and Sirius over the top of his book. Roger Patil had been picking on Peter Pettigrew earlier and feared James and Sirius's wrath.
In fact, James and Sirius were compiling a list, no one could so much as hope they were actually studying or doing homework because that just wasn't their nature; they were marauders. Sirius had written on the top of his page "180 Ways to Torment Severus Snape (One for every day of the school year)". So far the list had several colorful ideas on it from, "enchanting Snape's boxers to making his thoughts print across his forehead in neon colors".
Just then, a pretty red head girl with vivid green eyes walked up to James and Sirius and said, "What are you guys up to!? If it involves sneaking out or cursing Snape count me in!" It was Lily.
"Lily, who invited you to come along." James snapped. Then, he quickly added, "Not that we are going to do any of those things, of course."
"Oh, of course not!" Lily said sardonically.
"Perhaps, you should keep out of this adventure Lil. I mean you and James really don't get along to well and... I'd hate to find the two of you kissing in some disserted corridor." Sirius cracked.
James lunged at him. Lily looked over at him and smiled roguishly, "Oh does James have a crush on me!"
"You wish."
"It's called a JOKE!"
"Well, I didn't find it very funny, carrot head!"
"Well, I didn't find that very funny!"
"Well ... maybe you should just...."
Before Sirius had a chance to stop them (not that he would have; this was hilarious!), James and Lily started throwing curses at each other. Lily was sitting on top of James's stomach clawing at him; When, James decided this was not the time to be a gentleman.
So what if his mum had told him not to hit or curse girls, after all he had already broken the latter. Abruptly, he stood up, throwing Lily to the floor. She glared at him. He tried to glare back, but she looked so funny lying there on the floor that instead he laughed.
Lily tossed her hair and stalked out of the common room with two of her friends close behind.
"Lil, wait up! It's us, Elysa and Agatha." Lily turned around when she recognized her friends' voices. They hurried and caught up with her.
"Ooh, that James Potter makes me so mad!"
Elysa and Agatha smirked.
"What? Why are you looking at me like that!"
"Oh no reason," said Agatha innocently. "Only we were thinking what a cute couple the two of you would make."
Lily glared at them. "No way. The day I like James Potter will be the day I kiss him," she said, laughing cynically.
"Can we hold you to that?" asked Elysa.
"Of course!" Lily responded.
"cough they'll be hooked up by tomorrow cough!" stated Agatha through fake coughs. They ran off before they had to face Lily's wrath.
I will never like James Potter. He is such a creep and he thinks he is so great! Hardly. Even though he is kind of cute. NO! I didn't just think that. Yuk! I do not like him. Lily thought. Lily decided to go for a stroll around the empty castle. Who knows, maybe I'll find a new secret passageway that Sirius, James, and Remus don't know about yet. She thought.
Meanwhile, Sirius and James, now accompanied by Remus, who had just returned from the hospital wing, were doing the finishing touches on their 180 Ways to Torture Snape (One for Everyday) paper. Remus had had a lot of great input, and together they now had a plan to make tonight the worse day of Snape's life as well.
"Sirius, are you sure you know where you're going?" asked Remus tentatively. "We've been walking for ages!" Peter added. "Oh shove it Peter." Responded Sirius.
"Lily, hey, where are you going?" asked Elysa. "Nowhere." Pause. "Where have you been, and where is Agatha?" Lily inquired on second thought.
Suddenly, Elysa looked livid with anger. "That slimy Slytherin trash, Severus Snape, cursed her and she had to go to the infirmary because she had purple spots all over and her feet were beginning to resemble Big Bird's."
"He'll pay for that!"
"Don't I know it! To the dungeons, away!" Elysa said pointing her wand towards the stairs like Zorro. Lily laughed and followed her down the dark steps.
"I can't see a thing Elysa!"
"Don't worry about it just follow my wand light."
"There they are, the dungeon stairs!" announced Remus.
"Thanks, to my excellent navigation skills!" Sirius claimed.
The four of them laughed Sirius had had them lost for about 45 min. Until, James and Remus had taken over.
"Shh, I hear voices Elysa."
"Me too. Quiet we'll sneak by them, it is too dark for them to see us." Elysa put out her wand and with Lily clutching the back of her robes, they crept down the stairs stealthily.
"Boy, is it cold down here." James commented.
"Too bad Lily isn't here to warm you up, eh James!" Cracked Remus.
"Oh shut up, now you're on my case too."
"So you admit it?!" asked Peter excitedly.
"I said nothing of the sort! I don't like Lily!" he exploded in a somewhat aggravated voice, then added to himself mostly, "Although she doesn't look half bad!"
Sirius chuckled and somebody giggled.
"Whose there?" Sirius asked.
"Oh nobody." Answered a voice.
"Come off it. Who are you, and what are you doing?" Remus questioned.
"I'd like to ask you the same question!"
James heard a familiar laugh.
"Lily, is that you? Or is it Elysa? Or possibly Agatha?"
"Alright, alright it's us, Elysa and Lily. So, what are you doing down here? We came to curse Snape." Lily said in a matter-of-fact voice. "Now, how about you guys?" Lily lit up her wand.
"Same thing." Sirius chuckled.
Sirius offered his arm to Elysa. "Care to take a stroll to the dungeons?" Elysa giggled, "of course."
The six of them headed down towards the dungeons. Lily caught up with James. "So, James you think I'm hot, huh?"
James blushed. "I didn't say that, it was Remus!" He responded with a quick unconvincing lie.
"It didn't sound like Remus."
"Well, it was, ok."
"Fine. So are you sure my carrot head isn't the least bit attractive?"
He glared.
After much discussion(and a lot of arguing from Lily and James), the gang had finally decided on a plan of action. They saw a painting of a basilisk at the bottom of the stairs, pulled the tile to the left of it, and a huge hole opened in the wall revealing a dark stone stairway. Lily could vaguely see the outline of lanterns.
Before James could walk in, she asked, "How did you know this was the entrance to Slytherin Common Room?"
"Well, some of us are good at homework and the rest of us have real lives," He answered curtly.
"Well, Mr. Dark-and-Dangerous, you're just jealous because lets see you're 2nd in Potions... to me, 2nd in Charms... to me, 2nd in Magical Creatures...to oh yeah...to me, and 2nd in Defense Against The Dark Arts... to ME! I hope you like the number two James because that is all you will ever be."
"Get real. I could beat you any time I wanted to."
"Oh yeah." Lily laughed sardonically.
"Yeah!"
"Ok then, I'll bet you that you can't make higher marks than me on Professor Affondo's (the Potions master's) next test," Lily challenged.
"If I win you have to do the commentary for our next Quidditch match and compose and sing an anthem in my honor about how wonderful I truly am!"
"And if I win then you have to stand up in the middle of dinner and propose your undying love to some poor girl while kneeling and holding out to her a piece of broccoli!"
"You're on!" he said confidently.
Lily looked around. "Hey, where'd everybody go?"
****
"Those two fight so much they might as well get married," Elysa said.
"I don't think Jamesie would mind that arrangement too much!" added Sirius.
"Lily either."
"James'll never admit it he likes her; He is too proud. I've known James almost my whole life. If he really hated her he wouldn't tease her so much or go out of his way to make her mad."
"Hey wait a second I can hear them arguing about something." Sirius stood still, listening. Elysa did the same.
"Did you hear that?" She said with a great guffaw.
"I've got a plan Elysa." He whispered something and she giggled.
Just then, James stalked forward. "Hey why didn't you guys wait?" asked James huffily.
"Well, I thought you might want some time alone with Lily." Sirius said innocently.
"By the way I'd like to make a bet, as well. If you get the same grade on that test, then James has to kiss Lily in the Great Hall."
"And we don't mean on the hand," Added Agatha.
Sirius nodded, grinning broadly.
"Shut up, Sirius!" James said.
Lily grinned evilly and said, "Ok, but if we don't then you have to kiss dear Elysa."
"And that's a bad thing," Sirius said incredulously, raising his eyebrows suggestively at Elysa.
They all shook on it, except for Lily and James, who refused to touch each other.
"Don't worry about it if I know James half as well as I think I do, he'll want to beat Lily so bad that he is sure to get full marks." Sirius whispered.
"Lily too."
**************
The next morning, Madam Pomfrey had been awoken by a loud, bloodcurdling scream. She raced down the hall in her pajamas towards the sound where she saw a tallish boy with greasy black hair running down the corridor in his boxers (which displayed pink bunnies in different colored sunglasses) with all types of vermin following him. The vermin were singing some strange song that she had never heard before. She followed them trying to remember the counter curse. She was a medical wizard, not charms teacher. Finally, she went to find Professor Cantal (can-taul).
"Oh dear, and the poor child ran through the Great Hall during breakfast in his knickers with those vermin following him before I could perform the counter curses and magic him some clothes." Professor Cantal was saying to Madam Pomfrey.
Lily was still in an especially good mood as she walked to Herbology. Everything was going her way, she had the rest of today off after this class, Snape had been thoroughly embarrassed this morning, and she was better at this subject than James! What could go wrong?
Lily and Elysa were so busy filling Agatha in on last night that they didn't even notice Professor Vindictra behind them trying to pull something out of a sack filled with soil. The marauders came walking up to help Professor Vindictra. Lily rolled her eyes as James passed by.
After several moments of pulling the plant while Peter and the professor held the bag, a long purple plant that had leaves like a whip and something in the middle that looked peculiarly like a giant eyeball.
James grabbed the bag from Peter, "Let me get that for you Peter, ol pal."
James jerked the bag from Peter "accidentally" poring soil on Lily's head.
"No James. No!" Professor Vindictra had shouted, but she had been too late. "That has carrotine magical plant enhancements in it. You know what that will do don't you!"
James sure did, but he shook his head. Lily started sprouting carrots in her flame colored hair. James faked a look of shock.
"Oh, I'm so sorry Lily! Let me take you to the hospital wing." James gushed, and the Professor gave a nod of consent to his request.
As soon as they were out of earshot on the grounds, James started cracking up.
"I hate you James Potter!" she said with a venomous tone.
James pulled a carrot from her hair.
"Oww," she cried. "That really hurt you jerk."
"Oh, do you want James to kiss it and make it better."
"Not on your life!"
They walked most of the way in silence just as they reached the door Lily tripped James up causing James to topple into a bed inside the infirmary.
"Oh, James! Are you all right?" Lily called convincingly.
Madame Pomfrey magiced James onto a bed. She pointed her wand at his ankle.
"Hmm, compound fracture. Looks like you'll have some company Ms. Evans. Both of you will stay until tomorrow evening." Lily sighed, cursing herself silently.