Today, Tomorrow, Maybe the Next
Kenshin opened his eyes to an unfamiliar room. If he'd been a sounder sleeper, he might have forgotten where he was and panicked. But since he'd slept very lightly, sitting against the wall of 'his' new room in Kaoru-dono's home, he remembered that he'd decided to stay with her, for a little while at least.
For how long, he wasn't sure. When he'd agreed to stay with her, as rurouni, he'd warned her that he could leave at any time. He honestly never knew the logistics of his travels.
And Kaoru-dono had cheerfully overlooked this. That enthusiasm worried him…
Ahou! What were you thinking? Kenshin wondered, sighing and looking up at her ceiling helplessly. This wasn't the very first time he'd been invited to stay somewhere. Why was he putting an innocent girl at risk now? After ten years of wandering, it wasn't possible that he was simply tired of it. In fact, he was used to it, and the prospect of staying anywhere indefinitely, in the presence of someone else, was totally foreign.
Truthfully, being a wanderer allows this one to stay anywhere for as long as this one sees fit, and then leave without ceremony. But such has not been this one's habit. So, lingering is doubly strange.
…Such deep thoughts so early in the morning.
This was another habit, and one he knew he had to restrain. Wandering aimlessly had provided him with just as much time to think, as it did distraction when he came to a new place. And there were times when he knew it got out of hand, drawing him farther and farther into himself and the darkness that was there.
Baka, stop it… Now is not the time.
Kenshin silently rose and sheathed his sword, which had been propped against his shoulder while he slept. Then he left his room without a noise, to find Kaoru-dono's kitchen and begin preparing their breakfast. While he was here, he would do everything useful he could to thank her for all she had already done for him.
While he sliced vegetables, rhythmically and methodically his thoughts crept up on him again, and assaulted him with guilt and premonitions.
How long will you stay, and ruin this girl's life, ahou? Now, no matter how long or brief your intrusion, she'll be hurt.
Leave now, and suffer her happiness and safety. It's hardly good for such a naïve young woman as she to stay here alone. This one doesn't question the practical wisdom Kihei had about her quitting her swordsmanship and settling down somewhere, even if it was founded on greed and corruption. On that count, it was perhaps better you stayed at least overnight, on the chance that someone else came to hurt her.
Maybe that could be your defense for leaving later today…
But if you leave tomorrow, or days from now, you'll again suffer her happiness at a potentially greater degree. Kaoru-dono is lonely enough to attach herself even to you, as she has already lost so much. And she still won't be much safer after you leave, since someone else like Kihei could find himself on her doorstep. And you know she'd accept him, as she accepted you…
He paused, with his kitchen knife inches above the green onion he was chopping for the miso soup. He could feel the muscles of his face transform into an expression of sadness, and the look in his eyes waver in the same manner. How could someone as innocent as she, with the knowledge of his history and having seen him fight, bear to accept him?
That was truly why he had stayed...
Stupid, stupid ahou… Ten years of wandering, and he was still so weak in spirit.
Perhaps he was even lonlier than she, if all it took was for someone to want him, the rurouni, to stay with them, for him to forget all about atonement and settle.
But that couldn't be right! How could he ever forget about his sins and need for atonement, whether wandering, standing, sitting, or even sleeping? His past was forever with him, more real to him that the present moment at times. At that thought, Kenshin's blood ran unexpectedly cold, and he let the knife fall with a gentle clatter.
This one was wrong to think Kaoru-dono knows his history, he thought, while reality crashed over him like frigid waves. She merely knows his identity, as Hitokiri Battosai. History is an entirely different thing. To truly understand that, this one would have to tell her everything about himself.
Growing up in poverty,
Cholera,
The raid,
Shishou,
Training and burning for change, and retribution,
Deserting his master, and the man who'd taken care of him, raised him,
Entering the Choshu Isshin Shishi at fourteen, and the rapid progression into hitokiri and Battosai,
The nights of blood, screaming, dying, fighting,
The days,
The dreams of death and suffering,
Mourning for the world this one was creating, even while he thought there was no other way,
...Tomoe...
Enishi, and the end of this one's chaotic career,
And ten years worth of wandering, which led him to here.
That is this one's history. And that is something Kaoru-dono can never know.
Sessha has no right to stay here, for any longer than it takes to thank her and walk away.
The best way to thank her for her understanding and generosity is to leave her in peace. He will have to trust Kaoru-dono's own strength to protect her from men like Kihei.
Because this one certainly can't.
He let his eyes fall closed, and breathed in deeply, before resuming his task. Staying here had been a terrible mistake. How could he hope to be just a rurouni, ever? He knew all too well that it was impossible, and yet he allowed her eager face to fool him into hoping…
With his mind made up, Kenshin allowed himself to smile. Even though he'd leave today, he knew he'd never forget her. Kaoru-dono was the first person, after Tomoe, to accept him as he wanted to be accepted. In the past ten years, a few compassionate people had invited him in from the snow, or the rain, or whatever it was, to rest a while. But these people had known nothing about him, and he felt it was best to remain as anonymous as possible. He was certain that they wouldn't want him to stay, had they known whom he was.
But Kaoru-dono, who knew more than most, simply overlooked it. She didn't seem to look at him in the same way as everyone else. In her eyes, he could believe he was just a normal swordsman, for all the trust and gratitude he behld there. To think, she was grateful to him! It was this friendliness and admiration that amazed him, and drew him in. She was like Tomoe, except brighter and even more forgiving of who he was.
Though, Kaoru-dono certainly had less to forgive than Tomoe had. The fact that Tomoe could forgive him at all, even as she smiled while dying, was a treasure which Kenshin could never repay.
Perhaps that was another reason he had stayed with Kaoru-dono. It made her happy to have him in her home, and he'd hoped to please her as a way to thank her for understanding his reasons for being a rurouni.
But this was likewise another misake. Kaoru-dono didn't know that was what he was trying to do. She was too unassuming to suppose he was trying to repay her, just for understanding him.
Kenshin was made aware of Kaoru's approaching footsteps by the subtleness of her ki, and the sound of her bare feet. All other thoughts left him, as he concentrated on his preparations.
He sensed her presence in the doorway, but did not turn around.
"Rurouni?" she asked, in a sleepy voice. Kenshin' back straightened, and he noticed with a small measure of thankfulness that she still referred to him that way. Then he turned around, as if just noticing her, and allowed himself to grin.
"Good morning, Kaoru-dono," he said. "This one was just preparing breakfast, that he was. This one will clean up as well, before—"
Before he could say it ("before leaving") Kenshin inexplicably bit his tongue. Thankfully, Kaoru didn't notice, as she had just yawned.
"It's four in the morning, Kenshin-san!" she said, blinking watery eyes at him and leaning against the doorway for support. "Do you always rise this early?"
"Oro!" Kenshin didn't know what to say. Four in the morning? Was it really that early?
Come to think of it, he had wondered why the house and outside seemed so dark and silent. But he'd put that from his mind, since he'd had other pressing things to consider.
There was a palpable silence, which was something of an awkward pause. Kenshin felt incredibly silly as she looked at him, and said nothing. But then to his relief she smiled and laughed lightly.
"I guess you don't, huh?" she asked him, entering the kitchen. "Being a wanderer has probably altered your routine very much. Well, I don't mind, at least this morning. But tomorrow, I'll know it's you out here, and won't get up until five. You can make breakfast for yourself, and I'll make my own, okay?" She smiled at him cheerfully, openly, and Kenshin suddenly found that he could no longer entertain the idea of leaving.
She'd mentioned 'tomorrow'. She was expecting him to stay until then.
And maybe the next day too. He didn't know how long she expected him, come to think of it. But, she'd have to get tired of him sometime…
Perhaps he could wait it out until then. He surely could dodge any questions she might have for that long. It shouldn't be terribly long…
"Hai, Kaoru-dono," he assented, smiling pleasantly again. "This one is sorry to have disturbed you… But are you ready for breakfast?"
Kaoru nodded and opened her palms to receive the bowl of rice and bowl of miso soup. Then she left to sit down in the other room. "I usually eat out here, Kenshin-san," she said to him, over her shoulder. Kenshin felt a strange twinge of unease upon hearing the honorific for the second time. He got his own breakfast and followed her out.
"Please call this one just 'Kenshin', Kaoru-dono," he requested. Kaoru glanced at him, with those transparent blue eyes again, looking slightly puzzled and searching. "If you want me to," she acquiesced, with a shrug.
"Thank you," Kenshin replied, grateful that she didn't voice the question he'd perceived in her gaze. It seemed there was hope yet for this to go well.
They lapsed into a friendly silence as they ate, partially because Kaoru was too tired this early in the morning to make much conversation. She wasn't a morning person in truth, when it came to speaking. Rising early to begin practicing was a different matter.
Kenshin surreptitiously watched her eat, and thought about what he was getting himself into.
He honestly didn't know, and wasn't sure when he'd figure it out.
Maybe today, tomorrow, or the next…
[A/N]: I've been wanting to write this for a while! I was curious about how things would be the first morning after he arrived at the dojo... So, I came up with this. And, before you ask, Tardis, this is definitely going to remain a oneshot! HA! (lol, thanks for reading everyone :) _ce