Notorious
by
John O'Connor
The gang, less one, was sitting out on the Asphalt Cafe eating lunch. Robbie and Cat were talking about a project for their music class while Beck and Andre were talking about the upcoming baseball season. Tori just ate her burrito while enjoying the sunshine after several days of rain.
"I think we should write a song about unicorns," Cat giggled.
"Cat, I think we should write something a little..." Robbie paused.
"A little less juvenile," Rex cut in.
"No pirates!" Cat shouted.
"I think the Dodgers could go all the way this year," Andre addressed Beck after Cat quieted down.
"Yeah, we'll see. I think the Cubs have a good shot..."
"The Cubs? What are you on, dude?"
"Can we write about quadricorns?"
"Cat..."
Tori, who was looking around for their missing friend, asked, "Hey, where's Jade?"
Andre laughed, "Probably terrorizing freshmen."
Beck shook his head, "No. She actually had a screen test this morning."
"A screen test?" Tori asked, excited for her sometime friend.
At that point, a small sheaf of papers landed on the middle of the table, "Read it and weep!"
"Jade!" Cat jumped up and hugged the Goth.
"Three... Two... O..."
"Okay, okay," Cat backed off. "Bossy."
"I'm so happy, I won't even yell at you, Cat."
"You got the part?" Tori asked, excited for Jade.
"Yep!" Jade replied, popping the 'P'.
"Congrats!"
"What's the part?"
"Are you a star?"
"Not yet, Cat. But I have the lead."
"The lead? That's awesome, Jade," Beck cut in, already proud of his ex.
"What're you the lead of?" André asked.
"'Planet of the Ganks'?" Rex laughed.
"You know, Robbie. I'm in such a good mood, I won't even behead Rex."
"So? Spill, girl?" Tori insisted.
Taking a long, overly dramatic drink from her coffee, Jade just scanned her friends. Meanwhile, Beck picked up the papers and glanced at them.
"Schneider's new show? That's awesome babe!"
"I'm not your babe," Jade said as she yanked the contract back.
"C'mon, Jade... Tell us…" Tori said, her voice pitched a little higher.
"Jeez Vega, what's been with you lately? "
"What? Wait… What do you mean?"
"There. That. You sounded just like Cat when she gets hyper-sensitive. And you've been so whiny lately. "
"I don't whine," Tori whined.
"Yeah, you kinda do," Cat observed.
"Sorry Tori but you do," Beck agreed. Andre nodded along with Robbie, who had his hand planted over Rex's mouth since it first outburst with Jade.
"Well, I get excited and... Shut up!"
"Jade, tell us," Andre cut in before the conversation could get any further off the subject.
"I've been asked to star in the pilot for Dan Schneider's new teen comedy, Notorious. I'm Erin, the queen of the high school. I'm constantly in trouble with the principal and have to work myself out of the jam of the week. "
"Type casting, eh? Heh-heh-heh," Rex said.
Glaring at the mop-headed boy, Jade said, "Robbie? Remember when I said I wasn't going to hurt Rex? I'm starting to change my mind..."
"Who's this Snyder guy, Jade?" Cat asked. "Isn't he the snoopy super on One Day At A Time? I love that show…"
Tori cut in, "No Cat. This is Schneider." She emphasized the name and spelled it too when Cat still had a confused look on her face. "Dan Schneider has made a bunch of TV shows for Nickelodeon. All That, Kenan and Kel, The Amanda Show, What I Like About You, Drake and Josh, Zoey 101 and that other new show... I can't remember the name but it's that new one about a webshow like iCarly."
"How do you know so much about this, Vega?"
"Carly, Spencer, Sam and Freddie were in town after Christmas to work out a deal with him about doing a behind-the-scenes comedy about a teen webshow. They all stayed with us for a couple of days last December. And I decided to find out about this guy..."
"So, Carly is going to be on TV?" Beck asked. He definitely remembered the cute brunette from Seattle, even though he was with Jade at the time of the big party at Kenan Thompson's house.
Tori shook her head, "She couldn't be in it since she was leaving right after the New Year to go to Italy with her father. Without Carly, Sam bowed out too so they got Miranda Cosgrove, from Drake and Josh, for the lead and some girl named Jeanette McCurdy is playing Sam."
"Sam's my roommate!" Cat shouted excitedly.
"We know, Cat," Tori said to calm her.
"I knew it was a waste coming here to tell you guys," Jade interrupted.
"Sorry, Jade," Tori said. She was sincerely proud of her occasional friend. "Please. Tell us. When do you start?"
"The pilot will shoot over Spring Break."
The bell rang, signaling afternoon classes were about to start.
"Suck it, bitches!" Jade yelled joyously to the crowd scattered around the cafe and the patio. She turned back to the table. "Enjoy school, kids. I've got to see Dad about this contract," Jade said with a laugh as she headed back towards the parking lot.
"So, she just came to gloat?" Tori asked, slightly miffed.
"Yeah, she does that sometimes," Cat said.
"A lot actually," Beck added.
"One time my brother gloated and..."
Cat's voice faded as the gang left the table, leaving Tori staring at the remnants of her burrito, thinking.
In the intervening weeks, Jade would occasionally bring up her new career once her father okayed and cosigned the contract. Tori wasn't as irked as she had been when Jade first announced her big news. And, the half-Latina had to admit, Jade was much, much less irritating about the show than Trina had been about Divertisimo.
At lunch one day, Cat announced she wanted to see a movie that was opening and if anyone else was interested in going. "Sam can't. She's going back to Seattle to get the rest of her stuff."
Jade: "No."
Rex: "I can't. I have to help Rob with a medical issue."
Robbie: "REX! I told you not to talk about that!"
There was a long pause while everyone considered a puppet helping with a medical problem.
Andre: "Can't Cat, sorry. I'm gonna spend the weekend finishing my song for class."
Tori: "I want to see it but Aunt Sophie's birthday is Saturday."
Beck: "I'll go with you. Not normally my type of movie but it should be fun."
And so began what became a life-long relationship between Beck and Cat. One even Jade approved of.
Spring break came and went. Beck took Cat with his family to Cancun. She was much more warmly accepted than Jade ever was. Andre took his grandmother back home to St. Louis to visit family. Robbie tried some standup clubs with Rex, who was the hit. And Trina went to a voice camp - which didn't really help much.
Tori had stayed close to home, enjoying the relative quiet that was only disturbed when her parents were home. The three Vegas all agreed to send Trina to another singing camp over the summer, one that lasted at least a month. She also texted her friends, getting replies from everyone except Jade. That is until Jade sent a reply: "I'm busy! Leave me alone!"
Tori was hurt at first then found out everyone else got the same message.
The Monday following Spring Break finally came. Sikowitz came strolling into their class and gave his usual, unusual greeting, "Avast ye lubbers! And how was ye shore leave?"
"Ye?" Beck asked. Sitting next to him, Cat just giggled as he went on, "Cancun was great. We had a blast!" With a smart-ass smile, he glanced at Tori, adding, "Better than Yerba!"
"I even got to swim with some dolphins," Cat exclaimed. Glancing at her friend, Cat said, "Jade, I don't know why you don't like them. They're really playful and fun!" This earned a glare from Jade.
The rest of the class compared notes about their break, even a few of the shruggers chimed in. Then came Jade.
"Please, Jade, the black light of our lives, tell us about working on a TV pilot."
After a snarky initial comment, Jade did describe the week. "Well, I already had the script so I knew most of my lines already. We did a read through on Monday, an on-set run-through on Tuesday and Wednesday, then a dress rehearsal on Thursday. Friday and Saturday were shooting days..."
With questions, that obviously irritated Jade but she answered anyway, the discussion filled the balance of class.
At lunch, the gang started to ask questions. Jade merely said, "I told you everything. I'm not going to waste my time with details you won't even remember in an hour..."
A month later, as classes were starting to wind down prior to the summer, Jade sat at lunch with a shit-eating grin.
"What's with the smile, Jade?" Tori asked, smiling in return.
Jade calmly looked at each of her lunch companions and said, "We got picked up."
"Woo-hoo!" "Yay!" "Alright Jade!" "Congratulation!" "Jade, I'm so proud of you!" "Guess there weren't enough ganks on TV..."
Jade paused in accepting the accolades, stood up, grabbed Rex and, with an extra effort, heaved him across the cafe and over the far wall.
Robbie squealed and ran to retrieve Rex with Andre following. "Got to watch that boy in traffic…"
Cat and Tori closed in from both sides, making a Jade sandwich.
"Three... Two... One... I said One! Let me go! One, dammit! I can't breathe..."
Tori and Cat smiled at each other then let Jade go.
"What the hell is wrong with you two? You know I hate hugs!"
"But you didn't do anything to us when you got to 'one'," Tori said with a laugh.
Cat giggled, "Yeah Jade..."
"Anyway, we wanted to just show we're happy your show will continue."
"Alright. You two can live. For now." Jade sat down again and the other two girls returned to their places - Cat next to a chuckling Beck and Tori next to Jade, where she had been before. But a bit closer this time.
"Sooo, when do we get to see the show?"
"It'll premier next fall. We start production on the other fourteen shows when the semester ends."
"Will you be able to finish before we start our senior year?" Beck asked.
Jade nodded, "Yeah, we should. I already got the first few scripts to study. May be longer production days to squeeze it all in, but it'll be worth it."
"Can we get a sneak preview?" Cat asked.
"Yeah, like The Wood?" Tori chimed in. Immediately she froze, remembering the near-fatal reaction Jade had at the editing those clowns did.
Jade speared another bite of salad then, waving her fork around, said, "Maybe. If I don't want to maim or kill any of you before Saturday..."
"Great! We can watch it at my house!" Tori offered.
"Sounds good," Beck replied. Cat squealed and clapped while Andre and Robbie, who just got back, agreed too.
"But no puppets!" Jade declared.
"Hey, that's discrimination of the bonelessly-challenged..." Jade's glare at Robbie effectively silenced Rex.
Saturday, Jade was actually the first to arrive. She rang the bell several times rapidly then started hammering on the door. As Tori groaned and made her way to the door, she heard Jade yell, "VEGA! OPEN THE DAMNED DOOR!"
Flinging the door open, Tori was about to ask Jade what her deal was only to be stopped by the girl's smile as she leaned casually against the doorjamb. "Why, aren't you ever so nice? Openin' the door for little ol' me..."
"What's the... Why did you... And yelling? And then you're all Sweet Sally Peachfuzz and... And... Shut up!"
Jade walked in chuckling. "Tori, Tori, Tori... You are so easy to rile."
"No. I just... Oh, never mind."
"Do I smell coffee? Vega, you remembered. I'm touched."
"I'll say," Tori muttered.
When she saw Jade turn quickly to her, she quickly headed for the kitchen.
"Two sugars!" Jade yelled.
"I know how to make it!" Tori replied with a tone in her voice.
Handing the coffee to her guest, Tori restrained the small urge to spill a little of the scalding liquid.
The doorbell rang and Jade called, "Door!"
Tori, who was already halfway to the door, glared back at her, "I know!"
Pulling the door open, Tori was confronted with Beck and Cat sucking face. From behind her, she heard Jade yell, "Get a room!"
The couple broke apart, Cat giggling as Beck, in his best Cockney accent, asked, "'Ave ya gotta room we can 'ire for an 'our or two, sweetcheeks? We'll do our dilly-dalliest best not to be too loud…"
Laughing, Tori yanked Beck in, "Get in here!"
Before she could close the door, Robbie, without Rex, and Andre came sauntering up the front walk.
As the boys walked in, Jade keyed up her PearPhone, saying, "Hammer time, boys!"
The song started and Robbie immediately started the Hammer Dance. Andre almost followed then yelled, "Hey! Jade, that's not funny!"
"Yeah," Robbie agreed once he stopped dancing.
"I beg to disagree," Jade said with a laugh. "It's very funny!"
"Yeah, I have to go with Jade on this," Beck replied. Cat just giggled and nodded.
Desperate for support, Andre turned to Tori. "It's not funny, is it Tori?"
"Yeah, it kinda is," Tori admitted.
"Fine then!" Andre threw himself down on the near sofa, Robbie sitting next to him. Jade stayed at the center near the break between the two sections of the curved sofa. Tori had already claimed the spot opposite Jade so Beck and Cat sat just beyond her.
"Okay, Vega. Let's get this show on the road," Jade demanded.
"I will, okay? Just let me see to my other guests…"
In a few minutes, everyone had their drink of choice while a large bowl of chips and another of popcorn sat on the table.
"Okay. Now Vega?"
"Sure Jade…" Tori stood and held out her hand.
"What?"
"Are you forgetting something?" Tori asked sweetly.
"Oh! Yeah. The disk." Jade grabbed her bag from under the table and pulled an unlabelled jewel case out, handing it to Tori.
"Put it in the DVD player and start the show," Jade directed.
"I. Know. How. To. Do. It!"
The forty-plus minute pilot played and everyone enjoyed it. Jade was even snarkier in the show than real life and the gang loved it. Erin, Jade's character, dumped her boyfriend at the beginning of the show, claiming he was too weak. The main plot involved her ex getting back at her by pranking one of their teachers in a way that everyone had to think was her fault. The show concluded with her sneaking out of detention with a big smile on her face.
Her best friend, Jenna, tried to set her up several times with boys – each being turned down in different, inventively evil ways by Erin. The first boy who asked had his lips grabbed as Erin pulled him along to stand in a corner. The second victim asked her at lunch. Erin grabbed his hair and yanked back, causing his mouth to open. She grabbed his burger off his tray and shoved it in his mouth. The last ended up getting an entire can of soda poured down his pants.
Afterwards, Jade asked, "So? What do you think?"
"That was great!" Beck enthused.
Cat agreed, "Yeah! I swear it was like they filmed it at school and you didn't even know it. Heh-heh-heh-heh!"
Jade's eyes narrowed as she looked at her old friend before turning back to her Hammer boys.
"Well?"
"I thought it was great, Jade! Really."
Robbie quickly agreed, "Yep! A fine show and a surefire hit!"
Turning to the last of her pseudo entourage, "Vega?"
"High quality TV! Top notch acting!" Tori kissed her joined finger tips like a top chef.
Jade just glared at her, spears flying from her eyes to stab Tori in her face, her neck, her chest, her stomach, her…
The host smiled widely and said, "Seriously Jade, it was really, really good. It'll be a hit for sure."
"But…it's not…great?" the Goth asked slowly.
"Well, it's just missing something. Just a… I'm not sure…" the half-Latina's voice faded as if in thought.
"There's no foil for you," Beck stated. "Someone to play off of. You have your groupies or whatever but no one to challenge you and be the opposite of you."
Cat laughed, "Yeah, like you and Tori!"
"Uh, yeah, Jade? It's like they said. You need a protagonist for your antagonist."
"I am the protagonist!" Jade yelled. Then she took a deep breath and said, "But, you are right. After they saw the rough cut, the producers – Schneider, Weiner and the rest – decided I needed an enemy or…frenemy. God, I hate that word! I just heard before I got here that the role had been cast."
"Oh? And who did they pick?" Tori asked innocently enough.
"I don't know." Jade sighed, "God, I hope it's someone with some talent…"
Tori stood and walked over to retrieve the demo DVD, handing it to Jade. She remained standing, blocking the view of Celebrity Grudge Match, as she declared, "I have a small announcement.
"Friends, Jade… Guess who got cast as Olivia Peters for Notorious?"
Jade stared at Tori, shaking her head. Her voice was a low mutter but increased in volume as she repeated, "no. no. no. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO! NOO! NOO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"
PS: If this was a TV episode, the final scene would be shot from above as Jade looks up screaming 'No'. The camera would pull back through the Vega roof and up and up until southern California emerges through the clouds while Jade's denial scream continued undiluted, unabated and unstoppable.