Broken

Only one person remained, standing by the edge of his grave. The others had left, with promises to return soon, that they would bring more flowers, to call if she needed them. But she didn't need them. She had only ever needed him. Chris. The person she loved most. But his was gone, ripped away from her. Without warning, without reason, just gone.

She wanted to be angry. She wanted to cry, to scream, to throw things. But all she could do was be still. And feel. She felt so much she thought it would crack her in two. Cracked like her clarinet. She'd smashed it into pieces when she heard. He's broken she'd thought so why do you get to be whole. She was broken too. Grief does that to a person. And she had so much of it.

Grief for her unborn child, their unborn child, who she had to give up, because what if he was like Chris?

Grief for the life they could have led together, full of smiles and laughter and cheeky foot jobs.

Grief for herself, who she was, knowing that she could never be the same person again, that she could never truly be Jal again. Not his Jal anyway.

Grief for him, Chris, who called her Jalapeno, who always had a smile on his face, who made her African-American eggy bread, who held her as she slept and traced his fingers down her back and told her everything was going to be alright and that ipuckingloveyoujal and who made her say yes to everything and everyone, to life. And now all she could think was no, no, no, no, no, no.

Because everything was fucked and she couldn't quite understand why when she woke up tomorrow he wouldn't be there to hold her hand and make some shitty joke she had to pretend to laugh at.

Because that was life and that's what happens and why won't it happen ever again.

Because they were Jal and Chris.

Because they were Chris and Jal.

Because now it was just Jal and she knew that didn't make any sense and why doesn't the world make any fucking sense anymore.

Because she knew that she was part of a set and half of it was missing and without him she wouldn't work anymore.

Because she didn't know if she could be fixed, she was so empty. And so very very alone.

Because she was just Jal.

But that wasn't enough. She didn't think that would ever be enough.

And then the tears came. And they came and came and came, but they still couldn't wash how she felt away, and came and came.

And then it was morning.

And she tried to leave, to pick up her fragmented pieces and stitch them back together again.

And she tried to be brave, to say fuck it, fuck it for chris.

But she was just too broken for that.