Forever and Almost Always
A Star Trek Fanfiction
Disclaimer- I in no way, shape, or form own Star Trek. This was made for fun, and no profit is being made.
Note that this fic does not portray Jim in a good light, nor does it follow true to canon. This is placed in some unknown AU. With that in mind, please enjoy.
Sometimes, Spock wishes that he lived in a fairy tale.
It's illogical and worse than that fanciful, but still true. People in fairy tales are happy at the end, and the heroes are devoted to love, loyalty, courage, truth, and hope. The villains are one dimensional and defeating them is never easy, but they don't have legitimate reasons for going crazy, or loved ones at home, or childhoods filled with abuse. In fairy tales everything is black and white, and there are little to no shades of gray. But of course real life isn't like that. Villains wear a friend's face, and have husbands and wives and children and a cause that is worth it. Heroes aren't always pillars of virtue. They get angry; they hit things, people; they lie and cheat; and they don't always keep their promises. Sometimes heroes become villains. Sometimes the heroes stray from the path of the good, but are still considered heroes. Sometimes the villain is justified. Sometimes life is too complicated for sentimentality.
It starts out well. Spock breaks things off with Nyota three years after Vulcan falls. They part on amiable terms, both knowing that their relationship has run its course. There is love between them still, and Spock suspects that there always will be. But as with most of his other relationships love is not always equal to understanding. Spock doesn't understand himself, and he never expected Nyota to. She was the only one who thought that, and Spock knows that her demands on herself are part of what broke them.
Nine months after they break things off, Captain Kirk kisses Spock as hard as he can in his quarters. It leads to some truly fantastic sex, and afterwards Jim looks at Spock and tells him that they should do it again and soon. Spock agrees.
Nyota disapproves of their relationship whole-heartedly. In his more rational moments, Spock agrees with her. But the thing is, Vulcans don't show their emotions, but they have them. They run deep and strong whereas humans emotions are fast and passionate. Spock is both things, and he still loves Nyota with a deep, unwavering strength.
But Jim, well, Spock loves Jim with a deep passion that is making him reckless. Loving Jim hurts in a way that nothing else ever has. It's not a sudden thing. This love is born of years of friendship, antagonism, and respect. In many ways it has always run in Spock, a deep, sweet ache that never goes away. Spock tries to explain this to Nyota and cannot. He tries to explain to her how he belongs to Jim, how Jim is a part of him, how he's essential. Somehow, Spock thinks that he doesn't do very well, because after Nyota just looks at him, sad and resigned and a little angry. Spock doesn't blame her for that; he knows how their relationship must look to an outsider. He would make the same conclusion it he was in her position. Even knowing this, Spock will not and cannot leave Jim. Instead he extracts himself from the conversation, and then puts forth concentrated effort into never having it again.
Spock remembers his mother fondly. Every memory of her seems precious in ways that it hadn't before. He especially remembers when he was much younger, and his mother would tell him earth fairy-tales before bed. There was a time in Spock's life when he resented those stories, but now that he is away from Vulcan Spock feels free to remember them with much more fondness than usual. His mother had a soothing voice, and she made them thrilling. Perhaps Spock is remembering things wrong, but he doesn't recall any stories where the hero or heroine cheats on the heroine or hero. Of course, in his mother's fairy-tales villains weren't allowed to love, so maybe that's why.
It doesn't happen often. It only happens when they get shore leave or they are at a space station. Neither happens very often. But when they do get shore leave, or any sort of thing that could be construed as vacation, Spock starts to worry.
Their relationship was like a fairy-tale, Spock often thought. His mother had told Spock many different fairy-tales' when he was younger. She had stopped when he had grown older, but now that she was gone Spock was remembering them with a subtle fondness. Spock had often thought that his relationship with Jim was reminiscent of a fairy-tale though certainly not a traditional one. As time wore on and things got worse Spock would catch himself wishing for a fairy-tale world where happy endings were always assured. However he knew that having just short of that was better than nothing.
See the thing was that Jim Kirk was his, forever and almost always. They worked as a command team, as friends, as lovers. The only issue was that every once and while Jim would slip into old habits. He always apologized and Spock always forgave him, because Jim was his, and they worked. It didn't matter that sometimes Spock woke up not knowing if today was a day that Jim loved him or if he loved another. Regardless Spock was fine with what affection Jim could give him, he was fine waiting for Jim to come to him.
Some days, after he had meditated, Spock would think that he deserved better than what Jim was giving him. Spock shut those thoughts behind walls of iron quickly. They had no place in their relationship, and it was better…easier to ignore them.
After Vulcan disappeared Spock had undergone a variety of therapy and tests to ensure his mental state. He had been approved, but there had always been a part of him that thought that something was wrong. However he had never really suspected that his relationship with Jim was unhealthy.
There were times when Spock thought that Jim had changed, had committed to him for good. Months would pass without any incidents, and then it would come crashing back down around Spock's head. Spock would think that he had always expected it. Of course there were days when Spock got angry and tired of the cheating. Days when Spock would run out of second, third, fourth chances, and threaten to leave Jim. But then Jim would look at him with those blue eyes, and Spock would forgive him, because Jim was his, forever and almost always.
Things change though, people change. For better or worse, forever and always things change. When Spock realizes it hits him like a thunderbolt. He wakes up, Jim beside him, and he knows that this isn't working. That it hasn't been working for a while. Things have been good between them lately, and it makes the revelation even more shocking. Spock dresses and prepares himself for this confrontation. He tells Jim in very simple terms that this relationship isn't working, and that he cannot do it anymore. Jim doesn't fight him on this, just accepts it, and watches with sad eyes as Spock leaves. Though this hasn't worked out, they are both content with a certain piece of knowledge.
They belong to each other, forever and almost always. They are fine, and they will love each other when they can. However neither of them can wait for the days that they do love each other. So they'll break apart, and watch, and love each other because they're too broken, too shattered to complete each other in this universe, this lifetime. But they do love each other. Forever and always.