Quean, a naruto fanfic

quean [kween]
–noun
1. an overly forward, impudent woman; shrew; hussy.
2. a prostitute.
3. British Dialect. a girl or young woman, esp. a robust one.

You prolly hate me now, since I'm the pink-haired bitch in heat who corrupted Naruto and stole him away from those who needed him the most, right?

So you do. Oh, come on! Like there was anything to steal; it wasn't as if Naruto was committed (or wanted to be) to either of them! And even if he was…wouldn't you have done the same in my place? I mean, look at him! He's a fox, in every sense of the word!

I see you're not buying it. Well…how 'bout you drop those kunai and at least hear me out before turning this into the next Jerry Springer, okay? Great.

I should just start from the beginning. And I don't mean when Team Seven was first formed, my fangirl crush on Sasuke, his defection, all that shit. That's ancient history! I mean, if you didn't know that, then…you're hopeless.

It all began some time after our failed Rescue Sasuke mission. (Believe me when I say it was an epic fail.) I'd been mulling over what Yamato-taichou had said that time at the Tenchi bridge. Well, almost said, but I got the gist of it. I was heading to the grassy knoll where I knew Naruto went to think sometimes. (Yeah, I was surprised he actually thought about things too). But instead of Naruto, I found Sai, Team Seven's replacement for Sasuke.

Something you should know about Sai: he was pretty new to the whole emotions thing, so when I approached him and he was looking ready to cry, I was a little weirded out.

"Is something wrong, Sai?"

I never expected him to pour out his heart to me, much less for me to be his shoulder to cry on. But the bombshell was when he told me the reason for this emotional display: he'd kissed Naruto, who in turn rejected him. My Inner Self chewed me out for not realizing what Yamato had tried to tell me earlier. If I had, this pseudo-Sasuke wouldn't have gotten to him first, would he?

My Inner Self can be a real bitch.

Of course, I couldn't listen to her anymore because Sai had asked me to talk to the idiot, to which I obliged. It was my own fault Naruto was out of my reach and I would have to settle for playing matchmaker. You don't have to tell me I was being vicarious. Got that memo already.

I go to the idiot's place the next day and attempt a heart-to-heart about Sai, how Naruto was harsh with him, and how he should take a chance with someone who actually felt a bond with him. How does the idiot respond?

"Oh, since when does he know what he feels?"

What a sting. But nothing compared to what Sai's ink bugs gave Naruto right after he said that.

Served him right.

The next day, I met them both at Ichiraku's. They'd agreed to have a "friends-with-benefits" relationship and see where things went from there (after which I had to drown my sorrows in Tsunade's drink of choice).

And where did it go? Downhill, my friends. During the month after their newfound "friendship," I was witness to Naruto acting the same as before, even going so far as to rebuff any attempted kiss, handholding, or I love you on Sai's part. Hell, the only way I knew anything intimate happened between them was when Sai limped.

Seeing this really pissed me off. But not out of pity for Sai, mind you, but because I felt that if Naruto was gonna treat him like this, he shouldn't have had anything with Sai. I mean, the guy was too complicated! That baka should've chosen someone who wouldn't complicate his life. Like me!

But the drama was just getting started.

Uchiha Sasuke returned. And that night Naruto and I were sharing drinks with Kakashi-sensei, I should've known something was up when the idiot came in with that shit-eating grin that always betrayed some act of stupidity.

"So…Sakura-chan, isn't Sasuke hot?"

I was happy Sasuke was back, but not in that fangirl way of my days of uselessness. If only Naruto-baka knew where my affections now lay…

"Not to me anymore. In fact, Naruto, I think you're the only idiot here who's pondered that." (Correction: Kuroda's pictured Sasuke naked while showering. Somehow, I'm not surprised.)

And after some prodding from the perverts:

"I TOTALLY DID IT WITH HIM!"

My face? Kodak moment. "WHAT?"

Naruto tried to backtrack, saying that Sasuke took advantage of him, which would've been believable…if the idiot had put his thumbs down.

Need I tell you I was thoroughly pissed? And again, not because I felt particularly sorry for Sai, but because if Naruto was gonna cheat, he could've at least considered me, the one he'd always pursued in our Genin days!

That dumbass was about to go on about the dirty things he did, but I found a way to shut him up so I wouldn't have my face rubbed in my missed opportunities: "Look, I swear to God, you say one more word about Sasuke, I'm telling Sai!"

Censure me all you want, but blackmail works. And I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't experience vindication at the look on Naruto's face and when he was quiet for the rest of the night.

For the month following, I did everything I could to make myself oblivious to the situation with all my male teammates: more Poker Nights and drinking contests with Tsunade-shishou, working more shifts at the hospital. As fate would have it, it was the latter environ where my bubble of oblivion burst. Sai came to see me, complaining about some nausea he'd been having. I didn't see any reason to think it anything out of the ordinary at first; it could've been stomach flu, food poisoning, or maybe stress because his relationship with Naruto was going nowhere fast.

But then he told me that the smell of his ink nauseated him too. That was when I realized something wasn't right. I'd read in my medical books that pregnant women often had a keener sense of smell. But it couldn't have been that! Sai may have been effeminate, but he was still male!

But it was that. Sai was knocked up. Preggers. Up the spout. Kowayadosu. Whatever you wanna call it. And that's when I'd remembered something I'd read during my month of attempted oblivion, about fox demons and how they had the ability to…take liberties with others' reproductive organs.

I was at a loss as to how to tell Sai all this. I was afraid that if I did, the truth about Naruto's cheating would slip out…and I didn't want that to happen (Don't ask me why). And the sad thing was this time, I actually felt sorry for the poor guy.

The good news was, I managed to tell him about the fact that he was gonna (somehow) pop out a mini-Naruto without letting on about that dumb blonde's philandering. The less he knew, the better, right?

The bad news? He fainted right after I told him the former.

An hour later, he came to and decided to tell Naruto about the bun in his oven, asking me to come along for emotional support. Maybe it was fate that I agreed to come with him, because when we were approaching a clearing, I saw something that dwarfed all the yaoi porno I confess I've indulged in: Naruto and Sasuke going at it.

I must've looked really freaked, 'cause Sai raced over, asking what was wrong. Immediately, we got into a tangle of limbs as I tried to push him away, cover his eyes, anything to keep him from seeing what I saw. But to no avail. He saw the father of his child and the guy he was sent to replace going at it and boy, did he hit the ceiling. It took every ounce of my monster strength just to restrain him and pull him away. Never thought such a slight guy could give me, a butch tomboy, such a run for my money.

As soon as I pulled Sai a safe distance away, I had to once again be the poor guy's shoulder to cry on. And boy, did he cry. Even harder than when Naruto rejected him. I guess seeing the father of your child cheat on you can do that to you. Or maybe his hormones were acting up.

Either way, half of Naruto's jig was up: Sai knew about him and Sasuke. So I knew the other half was sure to follow. What I didn't expect was that it would come to pass through me.

A few hours after letting Sai cry on my shoulder (again), I was working the night shift at the hospital when Sasuke decided to grace me with his presence. He had nearly the same symptoms as Sai did and my diagnosis was the same: the last remaining Uchiha was one step closer to reviving his clan. But unlike Sai, he didn't faint. Instead, he asked the Sixty-Four Dollar Question (How much is that in yen?): "So, what was with that pansy who replaced me today?"

I'm sure you recall my threat to Naruto when he first bragged about doing my former crush. I fulfilled that threat…but with Sai and Sasuke's roles reversed. I know, I know; you don't have to tell me how ironic that is; I got that memo too. And I don't honestly know why I did this with Sasuke though I couldn't complain about that intoxicating feeling the Germans call schadenfreude at the look on Sasuke's face. (It's karma! We all know he deserved it!)

Again, my Inner Self. I told you she was a bitch!

Sasuke left, with a look that told me Naruto was in for it. It must've been intense because no one had seen hide or hair of him for a week. But that didn't mean I thought of him or Sai and Sasuke's situation any less. If anything, the tension made everything worse, such that I no longer felt pity for Sai (there was no room in my heart for Sasuke to begin with) and my thoughts consisted of somehow getting that blond philanderer in my arms. (I know, I know; that last part should've been a real turnoff for me, but for some weird reason, it wasn't. Love blinds us, apparently.)

But after a week, my luck would change. I remember that day well because on my way to Ichiraku's (a Freudian substitute for Blondie?), I was walking past the Academy and I saw a peculiar sight: a team of newly-dubbed Genin arguing over a ball. Well, the two boys were arguing; the girl just stood there, arms crossed in frustration. I know how you feel, honey. Takes me back to my Genin days.

Then the girl did something unexpected, something that still sticks with me because it was an action I would repeat (albeit with bigger consequences) later: she stole the ball. I kid you not. Fucking stole it, right from under her teammates' noses! Those poor boys didn't see it coming.

Lucky brat. She got what she wanted…and I didn't. Missed opportunities.

So I got to Ichiraku's, unable to do anything but play with the ramen, waiting for someone to come along and make my day interesting.

And guess who came by?

Sasuke, as always, was straight to the point: the dobe had gone too far. No way could I miss this!

Sai eventually told me why they came to me: to advise them on the whole Naruto situation. All I can say is, I didn't know they had such confidence in my words of wisdom. And they prolly lost it after what I said next:

"Well…dump him, I say!"

Believe me when I say I would've taken back those words if I could, because not only did Sasuke seriously look at me as if I'd just called him Orochimaru's bitch (which some villagers did behind his back and sometimes to his face!) and Sai as if I'd accused him of killing his brother. I feared that that little "advice" gave away my desires for Naruto. And if they knew that, I was so dead.

Fortunately, it hadn't. If anything, it was I who was incredulous with them. I mean, can you believe they still loved him? Of course, I loved him too, so who was I to talk?

Sasuke saw that they were getting nowhere asking me for advice, so y'know what he did? He asked me to talk to "the dobe"! Shocking, I know; even Sai was shocked! I mean, would you ask someone who gave you bad advice to talk to the source of your problems?

I didn't think so.

Apparently, Sasuke figured that Naruto would respect me more than either him or Sai. That, and: "you're not currently being fucked by him." Blunt, I know. But that's how he's always been.

But whatever. All I knew was that this was no time to take things lightly; my Inner Self wouldn't let me, especially not after I was face-to-face again with Naruto's favorite food topped with his partial namesake.

Hell yeah! Now's your chance! You can claim him now and they'd be none the wiser! You can make up for missed opportunities now! Shannaro!

Thankfully, none of this inner struggle was evident to either of the boys, though I knew I was trying their patience.

"All right. I'll talk to him tomorrow. But I'm not making any promises."

With that settled, I finally got around to eating my ramen…and almost spat it out, slamming my chopsticks down. "Oh, damn! Now it's cold! Mister!"

As the guy reheated my ramen, I was glad Sai and Sasuke had refused my invitation to join me, for I could hardly contain my giddiness, especially on my way home, when I started humming that one Cabaret song Tsunade-shishou and I sang (off-key) on drinking nights. How stupid could those two be? Didn't they remember that old ninja rule, look underneath the underneath?

Need I say I practically skipped to his apartment the next day? But, my excitement faded, when he answered the door and revealed himself…in his bloodshot-eyed, stubbly-faced glory, in nothing but a muscle shirt and boxers. I'm not gonna lie: my former enthusiasm dropped significantly. But there was no going back now.

"What have you been doing?"

"Drowning my worries in Kuroda's drink of choice."

Typical. But then, I often drowned my own worries in Tsunade-shishou's drink of choice. Who was I to talk?

"Sai and Sasuke—we really need to talk about them."

While shaving, Naruto insisted on talking about that elsewhere and glancing around his apartment, I could tell why. Nothing but beer cans. And I couldn't help but think of that old proverb…

The next thing I knew, I'd followed Naruto to none other than our old training grounds, where I finally got down to business. I'll be honest with you: my heart jumped just a little when he said that he wouldn't lie to me about what he'd said to the boys, about having "fun" with both of them. But as much as I admired his honesty, he was still being a Grade A idiot, such that I finally just dropped the bomb. I was subject to the deadpan applause of my Inner Self, but I had to drop the bomb, for it would determine my chances of having him: if he decided to do something about his impending fatherhood, I would let him go. And if he didn't…why didn't he just nip everything in the bud…and come to me?

It turned out to be the latter, so after "apologizing" for his "foxy-tude" and "one hell of a lay," BAM! Right in the kisser! That'd teach him…oh fuck! what've I done? The baka was splayed against the fence, a bruise swelling his cheek and a smile that was unlike him appearing. It must've been that smile that brought me to his side the quickest, for it wasn't his usual happy-go-lucky grin; it was something bitter, like you'd see on Sasuke. Even now, I shudder at that thought…

As I inspected my latest masterpiece, Naruto once again tried to talk his way out. People did it all the time, he said. I reassured him otherwise, testing him again (and suppressing the urge to go out and kick so much ass on his behalf) by reminding him that our teammates were of the same opinion as I, to which he reminded me that they'd persecuted him as well.

That was the opening I needed.

And so, I did the unthinkable and kissed him. I suppose that makes me shallow, flaky, a bitch, worse than trash or whatever. But at that moment, I didn't give a fuck…and neither did Naruto.

Of course, our little escapade of lovers' fun was rudely interrupted by a noise in the bushes. Rustling, gasps, and muffled screams. I looked around frantically, all possibilities rushing through my pink head. Had someone followed us?

What if it was the boys?

"Forget it," Naruto reassured me, carefree as ever. "Prolly just some animal."

With such reassurance coming from him, I shrugged that weight from my shoulders and turned my gaze back to him, my vision filled with his cheeky, lustful gaze. There was no mistaking that hardness against my nether regions; he wanted me, just as I wanted him. Never had my heart soared as it did in that moment, emerald gazing upon sapphire…

Soon enough, I was in another tangle of limbs, me dry-humping his nether region and nibbling and nuzzling his neck and him unzipping my top and feeling my breasts. Shameless, I know.

Oh fuck! We were outside! If no one saw us before, they'd see us now…it'd get around to Sai and Sasuke. Then, we'd be so dead.

For once, Naruto had the wisdom to realize where he was, so we took it to his apartment, where we immediately leaped onto the bed, wrestling like kids until I once again straddled him, resuming our foreplay from where we left off. I'm not gonna get all Icha-Icha, but lemme tell you: Naruto is great in bed. Great? He's…ugh! I can't think of a word doing it justice!

You're gonna say what I did with Naruto was wrong, ne? I'm not gonna deny it. Of course it was wrong! But let's be clear. There're two kinds of wrongs: hot wrong and regular wrong. Which was it?

You decide.

Our "morning after" wasn't that bad either, aside from Naruto mistaking me for Sasuke when he first woke up. But he realized his mistake, and how could I not forgive him, much less go for another round?

But like most "mornings after," there was still a proverbial elephant in the room.

"So what should we do about the boys? Obviously, I can't just tell them we hooked up. They'd get super-pissed."

Naruto and I eventually came up with the bright idea of telling them to wait a week before we told them Naruto decided to be with me. Hey, it's something!

We even came up with the ingenious idea to leave his apartment at separate times so as to avoid detection. The perfect crime, right?

Wrong.

Those "animalistic" noises? Yeah. Them.

Naruto and I didn't just run; we busted away from there, like Izanagi when Izanami was at his heels. Thank God their sicknesses kicked in…or I'd be telling this story as one of the dead.

The next thing I knew, we were in Tsunade's office, hunkered behind her desk, panting like we did last night. Then, we locked eyes…and honest to Kami, we started laughing. I still don't know who started it. Me? Naruto? Both of us? Beats the shit out of me. But there we were, laughing our asses off as soon as we locked eyes, like only those who've cheated death can laugh. I mean, full-bellied laughs, the ones that make your sides hurt and your eyes water. The kind of laugh I was too tired to let out when I 'gasmed, the laughter of the Wicked Witch.

And I was the Wicked Witch, wasn't I? The Wicked Witch…and Naruto was My Pretty. (Does that make Kyuubi the Little Dog?)

Tsunade was looking at us like we'd escaped the loony bin. And for all we knew, we did, considering the teammates we had. But who cares, right? I mean, who the fuck cares?

"What was that all about? You ran like Akatsuki was at your heels, brat!"

"It wasn't Akatsuki," Naruto assured Shishou, some leftover laughter present, "but believe me: what we ran from was just as bad."

"Like what?"

"Balls-and-chains," he quipped. I would've laughed out loud if my sides hadn't hurt so much.

Tsunade gave us that "what-the-fuck" stare again. "I'm not even gonna ask what that means." Eager to change the subject, she perked up.

"Well, I have to get ready for tonight." Of course. Tonight was Poker Night, a regular Friday night occurrence since Tsunade became the Godaime. As her apprentice, she saw no problem with initiating me into the aleatory world of gambling.

Tsunade eagerly invited Naruto, claiming she was feeling lucky that night. As if I hadn't heard that before. The last time she'd said that, she'd lost, big time. And with charity money, too! Of course, when I reminded her of this, she waved it aside, saying I sounded like that prude Shizune.

Shizune. Did she have to stoop that low?

In any case, I knew it was safer with shishou than out on the streets, where Sai and Sasuke were no doubt waiting to strike, so I let that unpleasantry go and asked Naruto if he would join us, which he did. I guess he thought the same as me that it was safer here than where his exes were sure to be.

That night, as Tsunade looked for the ace up her sleeve, Naruto and I pondered the hand life had dealt us: that dumb blonde had two-timed and, by some fluke of nature only he was capable of, knocked up Sai and Sasuke. Let's be honest: Naruto's hot, but he ain't dad material. I could tell Naruto realized this too, judging by how he stared at the table: his body there, but his mind elsewhere. And like Naruto's bitter smile the day before, I found his empty expression disturbingly out of place.

For my part, I knew it would be extremely difficult to pursue a relationship while we were around the proof of Naruto's two-timing: bellies swelling with his spawn and said spawn later walking among us. I couldn't let that happen. Not when I had done so much to make him mine.

And on top of that, it wasn't as if we could hide out at Tsunade's forever. Those two killjoys were sure to find us the next day. We were in way over our heads. If only there was some way out of this, some way—

"Ha-ha! Royal flush, suckers!"

Snapped out of our mulling, we looked up to see Tsunade drunkenly flashing her winning hand in everyone's faces, after which everyone (except Naruto's friend and drinking buddy Kuroda) left in much disgruntlement, some muttering "cheat" under their breaths (to which I heard Shishou reply, "sore losers"). For the next hour, we watched (and cheered on) Tsunade and Kuroda's drinking contest, the only time I saw that empty expression disappear from Naruto's face…and where I got a good look at how much Tsunade managed to win: 2 million yen. 2 million fucking yen.

It was a close one. Kuroda could hold his alcohol well, Naruto would vouch for that, but he still lost to the Legendary Lush…

"Ha! I won, Kuroda! I wo—"

…by two seconds.

That's when I realized. There was only one way, one clean, easy way, out of this shit: we had to leave. And I don't mean just Tsunade's office. I mean, really leave. Leave the Houshukage Tower, leave Mount Oinari, leave Jewel Country, leave the continent, leave the planet, leave the universe if we could. And with the old drunks sleeping it off and no one else around, now was the perfect time. So after a quick swig of Tsunade's drink of choice, I got a backpack and started stuffing that cash like there was no ashita.

"Sakura-chan, what're you doing?"

I met with Naruto's shocked gaze. Can't say I blame him. I mean, here I was, stealing from my dear old, perpetually hot-flashing, shishou. Yet something else unthinkable. I was on a roll, ne?

I wanted to bop that dumbass over the head for not looking underneath the underneath. But there's a time and a place for everything, and if I wanted this plan to succeed, I couldn't afford to do any characteristic actions right now.

"What does it look like?" I hissed back as I stuffed the last few wads of cash. "We have enough here to start a new life and now's the best time to leave."

"But, Sakura-chan…"

I sighed. He still didn't get it. Shutting out my Inner Self's cries to knock some sense into him, I went over to him and squatted 'til we were face-to-face. "Naruto, you know as well as I do that we fucked up. Royally. There's no way we can stay here with what we did hanging over our heads…especially you." Naruto's gaze stayed locked with mine, but I saw them glaze over, the repercussions of everything hitting him full force.

In a gesture of reassurance, I cupped his cheek with my free hand. "This is our shot, our chance at a clean break, and we may never get an opportunity like this again."

Naruto opened his mouth, prolly to object, but closed it again before letting out a sigh. I guess he realized there were some things his Way of the Ninja couldn't fix. He looked up again, resigned, and gave me a soft affirmation and a small smile.

Giving him a quick kiss and a rub of those endearing whisker marks, I returned to Shishou's side, finding a piece of paper and a pen, with which I wrote this note:

Tsunade-shishou,

Naruto and I are off. We promise to enjoy the cash.

Ja ne, Haruno Sakura

It got the point across, but it seemed to be missing something. Maybe I'd spice it up a little:

P.S. Sai: Remember your old philosophy concerning fake smiles? Macbeth, II.2.120-121: Where we are, / There's daggers in men's smiles.

P.P.S. Sasuke-kun: What goes around comes around, ne?

P.P.P.S. Both: Neither of you were a hard act to follow.

Satisfied, I put the pen down at about the same time Naruto placed the necklace Tsunade gave him atop my note and we made our way to the doorway leading to our new lives, scanning the room to see if either drunk had awoken. Tsunade hadn't.

But Kuroda had, those two bloodshot eyes boring holes into us after taking in the lack of Tsunade's money.

It was shot to hell, our plan to get away. Kuroda will wake up Tsunade, she'll take back her money, give us a severe beating at the very least, and leave us at the mercy of our teammates—wait, he's not even moving. Just shaking his head. Begging. Pleading with us not to go. It's true I've justified this to myself in all sorts of ways. Sasuke? I no longer gave a shit about him. Sai? He could fend for himself. But Kuroda? Okay, I felt sorry for Kuroda. He never did anything to hurt us.

But there was no going back now. And I don't know how, but somehow, Naruto and I knew he wouldn't rat us out.

So with a nod and a wave to our drinking buddy, Naruto and I walked away from Tsunade's office, away from the Houshukage Tower, away from Mount Oinari, away from our dilemma. Away from everything and everyone we knew. For good.

Sometime after Naruto and I were beyond Jewel Country's threshold, our eyes met in the bright colors of broad daylight, a brief interlude from the horizon of so many possibilities stretching out before us. Right after emerald met sapphire, for a fraction of a moment, I saw our past. Meeting at the Academy. Becoming a team. Losing. Gaining. Laughing. Crying. Growing. Together. We were in this together. The two of us. And no one can take that away now.

Because now, there is only love. My love. For Uzumaki Naruto.

Also, a little something a Wicked Game reviewer who was actually on Sakura's side said:

"Why did I like that they decided to elope... It just rubbed me the right way. Sai and Sasuke are being emo and whiny and being otherwise successfully irritating, while Sakura is this little trickster that knows what she wants and will be damned if she doesn't get it, is ALSO managing to make Naruto HAPPY, and is without all the crazy baggage the other two come with."

I ask you, readers: would you agree with this assessment?