Family Guy - Mr. Herbert's Last Act
Fade in
Peter, Lois (holding Stewie) Meg, Chris and Brian are standing in line for Herbert's viewing. Herbert's in a casket decorated with childish toys and pictures of his life, including the photo of him and Chris at a restaurant table. In front of them in line are half a dozen old people, behind them are half a dozen very young kids.
CHRIS - He died like he lived...an unexplained accident off screen and as a minor character in a popular tv cartoon. It's too bad Jessie had to be put down so they could be buried together.
LOIS - I'm sorry, Chris. I know he was your friend, but I think we all know he's burning in hell right now because of the type of life he lived.
STEWIE (looking surprised) - What? I thought he was a war hero? What does she mean? Do all war heroes go to Hell?
BRIAN - He was a pedophile.
STEWIE - A pedo what?
BRIAN - It means he liked children. He liked them a lot.
STEWIE - Well that sounds to me like he was a good guy. People are supposed to like children. We're energetic, cute, funny and easy to beat in sporting events. Everyone should like us. We should think of ourselves as fortunate to have known such a man.
BRIAN - What are you talking about? You hardly even knew him. You've probably had one conversation with him in the 11 years he's been on the show.
STEWIE - Oh yea, right. He babysat us that one time and tried to get Chris to give him a bath. That was a really weird.
CHRIS - I'm going to miss Mr. Herbert because he was my friend and he saved me from the Nazi prison guard. But I'm not going to miss his way of greeting me every time I delivered his newspaper.
FLASHBACK
Chris riding his bike up to Mr. Herbert's house to deliver a newspaper. Herbert, standing in his door with Jessie the dog at his feet, calls out to Chris.
MR. HERBERT (in a sensual voice), to Chris on his bike - Hi Chris. I hope you're bringing me some good news today. I could use something to lift my spirits. You sure look good today with your muscle-ly legs and muffin top under that blue shirt. You know I could get my news online if I was still allowed on the internet, but I prefer the personal touch of a newspaper boy.
END OF FLASHBACK
PETER - I don't know what we are going to do now with all that extra screen time Herbert won't be available for. He's going to leave a real hole someone is going to have to fill.
VOICE of QUAGMIRE from off screen - Gigitty
MEG - I'm glad he's dead. He made me give him the bath. So much skin flaked off, his bath water looked like soup.
PETER - Meg, there's some things you should keep to yourself. Please think about what you're going to say before you say it and in the future, shut the %$#$% up.
LOIS - Meg, you're father has a good point. Some of the things you say, I think you say them just to get a reaction from us.
BRIAN - Now maybe someone normal will move into his house and we won't have any more sexual innuendos that kids don't understand but parents do.
STEWIE - Sexual innuendo? What's that?
BRIAN - Seriously? You don't have any idea what a sexual innuendo is?
STEWIE - I'm a baby, dog. I haven't even graduated from pre-school yet. How am I supposed to know anything about sex or sexual innuendos. I'm surprised I knew how to make a time machine.
CHANGE of SCENE
Family is in the car returning from the funeral. They pass Herbert's house. There's a moving van parked in front of it.
LOIS - It looks like someone is already moving into Mr. Herbert's old house. Look at how big that moving truck is and how many men are moving that fancy furniture. I wonder if it's a big family with kids.
PETER - Good going, Lois. You're able to identify the obvious. I'm sure glad I married you. Without you we'd just stumble through the show without any idea what's happening.
LOIS - Go &%$# yourself, Peter.
PETER - I've been doing that for weeks now. I'm actually getting pretty good at it.
CHRIS - Let me know if you need any pointers, dad. Every time I get a girlfriend on this show, the writers forget about her by the next episode.
MEG - Doesn't anyone besides me think we're going a little too far with breaking the fourth wall? I mean, we're supposed to be a regular American family who has a couple of funny stories each week. But we've been talking like we know that we're really a weekly television show.
ANIMATED PRODUCER Cherry Chevapravatdumrong, from a car in front of the Griffins with cameras hanging off the side, through a megaphone yells - SHUT UP, MEG!
MEG - What the hell? Is everyone getting in on this now? Who else are we going to give screen time to?
Quick head shot of Conway Twitty
Change of scene - Griffins sitting on the couch watching TV
TOM TUCKER - The Channel 5 Undercover Team will report tonight how they spent $141,849 in six weeks investigating Mayor West's alleged bribery scandal. (pause and a straightening of his script by tapping it on the desk) They found nothing.
JOYCE KINNEY - Nothing, indeed Tom. The investigation did however cost enough, so the Channel 5 news anchors will not be getting raises this year. So here's to you investigating team. (Kinney flips off the camera)
PETER - The local news is getting a lot less entertaining than it used to be. Whatever happened to the professionalism of local news? I bet Morbo wouldn't put up with this kind of crap.
LOIS - Quick, turn it to channel 13 and see what he has to say.
Peter turns to Channel 13 where Morbo and Linda from Futurama are finishing up the news.
MORBO - ...and that's why the third graders at PS 139 are Morbo's "Vermin of the Week."
LINDA (with patented gratuitous laugh) - Vermin they are, Morbo. And finally, we have special video of Channel 5's undercover team investigating Quahog's own Mayor West. Roll the tape.
Tape shows Tricia Takanawa in a strip bar with Ollie Williams, drinking and waving a credit card around, buying drinks for every one in the club.
PETER - What the Hell was that?
CHRIS - This whole town is spiraling straight into hell. Maybe if we're lucky, Morbo's people will destroy us puny humans and be done with it.
Knock at the door
LOIS - See who's at the door Brian.
BRIAN - Why me? Meg is closer to the door. Make her do it.
LOIS - You're a talking dog, Brian. You're lucky we don't sell you to a side show. Now get up and get the door or I swear to God, you're on the next bus to a Texas circus.
STEWIE - You better do it Brian. Last time she was in this mood, Mittens didn't fare so well.
FLASHBACK to cat licking it's outstretched leg on the couch.
LOIS - Mittens, quit licking yourself and get off there! You're getting fur all over the sofa.
MITTENS (voice of Jodie Foster) - Hey, if I don't clean myself, I'll never get a date for Friday night's hoedown.
Shot of Mittens on a Greyhound bus headed for Texas.
End of FLASHBACK
BRIAN - I'll get the door.
Brian opens the door and there are two attractive females standing there, smiling. Brian's tail is wagging furiously.
JERRIE - Hi. We just moved in down the street. I'm Jerrie and this is my girlfriend Terrie.
BRIAN - Welcome to the neighborhood. This town has gotten a lot better looking already.
STEWIE - Heeeere we go.
TERRIE - We haven't got any water yet and we were wondering if we could use your bathroom. We tried the guy's next door, but he said we didn't have the mechanical qualifications.
PETER - Yea, Joe's bathroom is a train wreck from hell. Good thing you didn't go there. Our bathroom is just a regular one with underwear on the floor and poop stains on the toilet seat.
BRIAN - Oh sure! Our bathroom s this way. Absolutely! Come in!
STEWIE - You know, just because they aren't wearing ski masks and carrying a gun, doesn't mean they aren't going to tie us up and rob us.
BRIAN - We're the Griffins. This is Peter, who is married to Lois. That's Chris, a chronic masturbator and Stewie is the baby. I'm Brian.
JERRIE - It's nice to meet you all, but I'm crowning and really need to use your bathroom. Can you hurry up the introductions and tell me where your bathroom is?
BRIAN - Oh, sure. Top of the stairs, second door on the right.
TERRIE - Don't take all day, Jerrie. I've got a gallon of beer waiting to get out of my bladder.
PETER - You like beer?
TERRIE - Yes, sir. I like beer a lot. I like it so much, I got a job at the Pawtucket Beer factory.
Oh, who's this?
BRIAN - Oh, her. That's just Meg. You don't have to talk to her. She's the least popular member of our family. So, you must be the ones we saw move into Mr. Herbert's house? I guess that means I'll be seeing a lot of you.
TERRIE - Yea, Jerrie's Uncle John died without children, which was kinda ironic considering how much he loved them. Jerrie inherited the house because she was his closest living relative.
CHRIS (loudly) - What about his grand niece, Sandy? Remember her from Valentine's Day when she threw a rock through my window and wanted to date me? The reason I have to masturbate all the time is because the writers on this show suck.
TERRIE - I'm not sure. Last I heard Sandy joined a cult and moved to Utah, where she can freely practice her religion. (Walking over to Meg) Who does your hair! It's so beautiful!
(Everyone's jaw, except Meg's, drops to the floor)
MEG - I do it myself. I usually just crack a couple of eggs on my head before I shower and use a hair drier to whaaaaaaat?
TERRIE - Oh my, it is so beautiful! Can I touch it? (Jerrie comes down the stairs)
JERRIE (waving her hand behind her) - You might want to give that a few minutes.
TERRIE - Jerrie! Come touch Mig's hair! Isn't it beautiful? You just have to run your fingers through it!
MEG - It's Meg. Not Mig.
BRIAN - I use Hartz Flea and Tick Dip and am told my fur is easy on the hands.
TERRIE - Whatever, look at Mug's hair, Jerrie, ain't it just the cutest?
JERRIE - It sure is. I love the feel of it. It's like running my fingers through uncooked spaghetti. I haven't felt anything like this since that porcupine that got into our apartment.
FLASHBACK
Porcupine sitting in an apartment where a party is going on, smoking a blunt and drinking a beer.
SOME GUY - Who let you in? You weren't invited!
TERRIE - (Obviously drunk) Oh let him stay, he feels soooooo good. (Quills stick in her hands.)
PORCUPINE - Hit the bricks, bud. I got this chick taken care of.
END OF FLASHBACK
TERRIE - Meg, would you like to come to dinner sometime?
BRIAN - I like to eat. I can cook, too. I could whip up a crab-stuffed lobster tail, with baby spinach salad with raspberry vinaigrette and a nice red wine to wash it down.
LOIS - You're full of crap Brian. You can't even open your Purina Dog Chow bag without making a mess everywhere.
PETER - Yea, Brian. You couldn't even take a Christmas turkey out of the oven without starting the house on fire. You cooking skills are ... well ... they are just horrible.
MEG - I'd love to come for dinner some time. And shut up Brian. Can't you see they aren't interested in you. You're just a dog. You eat out of the garbage and %$#$ in the yard. Who do you really think you are?
BRIAN, sniffing - I ... I ... I thought I was part of the family.
MEG - You are part of the family. You're the family pet. Now sit. SIT!
Brian sits.
MEG - Good dog.
TERRIE - Hey, I have to drain the lake and then I'll be right back.
LOIS - So, Jerrie, what do you do?
JERRIE - I'm a webcam girl.
PETER - What's that? You sell webcams online or something?
JERRIE - Hahaha. No. I have a webcam in my bedroom and men pay me money to talk to them and dance around in my shorts.
PETER - You've got to be yanking my chain.
JERRIE - No. I put myself and Terrie through college with what I earned. You'd be surprised how much a woman can earn just by laying on her bed.
Brian's jaw is still on the floor.
PETER - What kind of loser would spend money on a woman he can't...
Knock at the door.
PETER - Just a second. It seems we're the popular house to visit. No one else seems to be able to go through a single day without including us in their life.
Peter opens the door.
PETER - Oh, hey Glenn.
GLENN - Hey, Peter. I need to borrow your... Oh, hi, Jerrie!
JERRIE - Hi, Pilot1069. It's strange to see you with clothes on.
GLENN - uh, um, uhh, well... I ... uh
Terrie comes down the stairs.
TERRIE - Hi Pilot1069! Hey, your last check finally cleared! Thanks so much.
Joe comes up beside Glenn.
TERRIE - Look Jerrie, it's Wheelman47. Hi Wheelman47.
JOE - Terrie, Jerrie, what are you doing here? You're not supposed to meet people in real life! You're computer people!
JERRIE - We moved into Mr. Herbert's old house. We're going to be your neighbors.
PETER - You guys know these girls?
GLENN (hanging head) - Sometimes a man get lonely.
JOE (hanging head) - Sometimes a man needs to feel like someone is paying attention to him.
TERRIE - And if they keep paying, we keep paying attention to them. But don't worry guys, we won't tell anyone how much you spend on us.
PETER - You mean women can really make money doing nothing but laying around in the bedroom, talking to men on the internet? Lois...
LOIS - Shut up, Peter. It's not going to happen.
MEG - Maybe I could earn some extra money that way!
TERRIE - You probably could, Mog. Men are always looking for new fetishes to try out.
STEWIE - What's a fetish?
BRIAN - Meg is a fetish.
STEWIE - Ew.
JERRIE - We have to get going. It was nice meeting all of you!
BRIAN - Wait! What's your web address.
TERRIE - Sorry, Bean. We don't talk with dogs. They require too much attention.
Change of scene.
Meg is eating dinner with Terrie and Jerrie.
MEG - Thanks for inviting me over. I don't get invited out much because of my smell.
TERRIE - You don't smell that bad. I once dated an old woman who was filthy rich who had stinky feet. I could barely stand to be in the same room as her, but she was rich, so I put up with it.
JERRIE - Yea, both of us had to do a lot of stuff we didn't like to get money. Thank goodness for the internet. Now we can get hundreds of dollars in just a couple of hours just by laying around our fake bedroom.
MEG - Can I see how you do it? It sounds like fun.
JERRIE - Sure! It's easy.
The three women move to a decorated bedroom with a web camera.
TERRIE - I just log in and go sit on the bed with my laptop.
JERRIE - I can monitor all the people logging in from here.
Meg watches the screen and the numbers start spinning up.
TERRIE - I've got the microphone off so we can talk.
A chime goes off.
MEG - What's that?
JERRIE - some guy named SeamanSeamus56 just gave me some money.
MEG - Why did he give you money?
More chimes
JERRIE - He likes the way I look. You can see what he's saying right here.
ON SCREEN SEAMUS types - You make my sail billow.
DOWNTOWNBROWN types - and boom goes the dynamite.
All three girls laugh
More chimes
MEG - You're really racking up the money!
JERRIE - You should see the way men throw money at us when we're together.
MEG - Together?
TERRIE - Yea, we're lesbians.
MEG - And you do things on camera?
TERRIE - Just watch.
Meg watches monitor and as soon as Jerrie sits beside Terrie and kisses her, the numbers race up to over a thousand. The chime becomes a buzz with all the money being given to them. Wheelman47 and Pilot1069 log in and their names come up on the board.
WHEELMAN47 types - Let's do it!
PILOT1069 types - gigitty
SEAMUS types - You ladies make my mast stand up.
MEG - Can I try?
JERRIE - Sure. Let's switch places.
The three change places and Jerrie and Terrie watch the monitor as Meg goes to sit on the bed. The chime stops.
WHEELMAN47 types - Oh God! NO!
PILOT1069 types - WTF?
SEAMUS types - You made me drop an anchor.
DOWNTOWNBROWN types - and fizzle goes the dynamite.
The numbers on the screen plummet until there is just one person watching.
The name on the screen is MrMAYOR
MRMAYOR types - I've seen worse.
A chime sounds and Meg looks up, thinking someone just gave her some money.
JERRIE - Actually Meg, get out of the camera view. They're taking their money back.
MEG - How is that possible?
TERRIE - I didn't think it was.
The counter goes to zero.
Cut to the Drunkin' Clam. Joe, Quagmire, Cleveland and Peter sitting drinking.
Seamus walks up.
SEAMUS - What did you think of those nautical terms I was using?
(all together) PETER - Not great.
QUAGMIRE - I've heard better.
JOE - Made my ass hurt.
CLEVELAND - You should get you own show.
PETER (looking at the camera): Well, that wraps up another week. Good night everyone!